He's broken his word again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
He's broken his word again!
My X "takes the cake" for being a liar. Alcoholism has really refined his skills at this tactic - and I'm furious, as this time it has effected my son.
Several weeks ago, my son approached me to ask if he could go to a summer camp for a week this summer. I said, "well yes, that would be fun for you" - "how much is the fee?"
Turns out it was over $1,000. I am currently unemployed with the economic slowdown. So, I said " I'll pay for half, and you ask your dad for the other half" - which was fine with my son. He called his dad, explained what he wanted to do, and good ole dad said "Oh sure, I'll put a check in the mail tomorrow."
10 days have gone by. No check arrived. My son has called several times to inquire where it is, and his dad has told him that he mailed it. Yesterday, he called him again, and now the story is "The check was cashed - by your mother." UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's making me out to be a thief!
Well, my son knows fully well that IF a check came for him, he would get it. He knows I am not the type of person to do such a deed. He sees what is going on - which makes me feel better.
Somehow I will see to it on my own that my son gets to go to camp. I figured I'd have to foot the entire cost anyway, as I figured the dad was using his money for "other things".
Thanks for letting me VENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Several weeks ago, my son approached me to ask if he could go to a summer camp for a week this summer. I said, "well yes, that would be fun for you" - "how much is the fee?"
Turns out it was over $1,000. I am currently unemployed with the economic slowdown. So, I said " I'll pay for half, and you ask your dad for the other half" - which was fine with my son. He called his dad, explained what he wanted to do, and good ole dad said "Oh sure, I'll put a check in the mail tomorrow."
10 days have gone by. No check arrived. My son has called several times to inquire where it is, and his dad has told him that he mailed it. Yesterday, he called him again, and now the story is "The check was cashed - by your mother." UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's making me out to be a thief!
Well, my son knows fully well that IF a check came for him, he would get it. He knows I am not the type of person to do such a deed. He sees what is going on - which makes me feel better.
Somehow I will see to it on my own that my son gets to go to camp. I figured I'd have to foot the entire cost anyway, as I figured the dad was using his money for "other things".
Thanks for letting me VENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
((( trying2survive)))
I'm sorry this has happened.
That's kinda what many alcoholics do, though. I learned the hard way never - ever - to count on my X for anything important. It just wasn't worth the heartache.
Good luck
I'm sorry this has happened.
That's kinda what many alcoholics do, though. I learned the hard way never - ever - to count on my X for anything important. It just wasn't worth the heartache.
Good luck
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((T2S)))) I'm so sorry that your son is having to learn that he can't count on his own Dad. I'm glad that he has one parent on which he can rely. Good luck finding the funds for your son's summer adventure! I hope that all will turn out well!!
Hugs, HG
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I thought this sounded like a familiar situation and then I remembered your previous thread.
My son was upset tonight. He ask his dad for some $ over a week ago so that he could go to a concert this upcoming weekend. I agreed to pay for half of it, and suggested he ask his dad for the other half. He's checked the mailbox everyday, waiting for it to come and it hasn't. Finally, my son called his dad tonight to ask if he'd sent it — to which he said "oh, I forgot, but I will send it tomorrow." My son then remarked to me " he'll never send it, he's lying again." He's been disappointed so many times. That makes me angry.
My XAH is just a parasite.
I am still so heartbroken for your son. Do you think these problems would be less heartbreaking for him if you just told him you cannot afford them?
I know you are venting because he is a pill about keeping his promises to your son BUT I can't help but wonder if offering half and suggesting he again seek out his dad for money, is only a way for you to prove (to you, your son, to anyone else) yet again that his father is a heel and can't be counted on.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm trying to mean well and not trying to be mean.
Alice
My son was upset tonight. He ask his dad for some $ over a week ago so that he could go to a concert this upcoming weekend. I agreed to pay for half of it, and suggested he ask his dad for the other half. He's checked the mailbox everyday, waiting for it to come and it hasn't. Finally, my son called his dad tonight to ask if he'd sent it — to which he said "oh, I forgot, but I will send it tomorrow." My son then remarked to me " he'll never send it, he's lying again." He's been disappointed so many times. That makes me angry.
My XAH is just a parasite.
I am still so heartbroken for your son. Do you think these problems would be less heartbreaking for him if you just told him you cannot afford them?
I know you are venting because he is a pill about keeping his promises to your son BUT I can't help but wonder if offering half and suggesting he again seek out his dad for money, is only a way for you to prove (to you, your son, to anyone else) yet again that his father is a heel and can't be counted on.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm trying to mean well and not trying to be mean.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Hi Trying, sorry you're dealing with this, and I know how that feels.
My ex has lied on so many occasions, and has "hidden" things from me that I later discovered. If I would confront him about it, he would insist that I was crazy or dumb because I couldn't remember what really happened. There is no good way to confront someone like that because no matter what you say, they have already convinced themselves that they are telling the truth.
I think the biggest lie was "I promise I am done drinking" and "I will never act that way again". In my life, it was easier to believe those words, than to end it and remove myself from the situation. Obviously I chose the wrong option because this was not a solution at all!
Now that our relationship is over, I can see that I should have taken steps toward improving myself years ago!
Good luck!
My ex has lied on so many occasions, and has "hidden" things from me that I later discovered. If I would confront him about it, he would insist that I was crazy or dumb because I couldn't remember what really happened. There is no good way to confront someone like that because no matter what you say, they have already convinced themselves that they are telling the truth.
I think the biggest lie was "I promise I am done drinking" and "I will never act that way again". In my life, it was easier to believe those words, than to end it and remove myself from the situation. Obviously I chose the wrong option because this was not a solution at all!
Now that our relationship is over, I can see that I should have taken steps toward improving myself years ago!
Good luck!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I figured I'd have to foot the entire cost anyway, as I figured the dad was using his money for "other things".
Why are you still going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread?
I don't know if you have legally seperated and have court approved support yet. If not, you should seek that as soon as possible. This has been my experience:
I'm am divorced from my A and we have a child together, I also have two children from a previous marriage. I have learned that the child support I receive is to support the children and their extracurricular activities. If there is extra, great! If not, I have to let them know we can't afford it at this time. When extra activities cost more than I can afford, I am the one to ask the father and find out if there is any way he can help with a little extra. I don't send the children to ask for money from their dad. The only time they ask for something is if HE offers to spend money on them while shopping or for a special occasion. I want them to love their dad as a father and not think of him as an ATM machine. I learned this the hard way.
I have witnessed my step children's relationship with their dad's deteriorate in both my marriages. The children of my ex's were always asking for extra money, and expensive gifts. Mom always said "Ask your Dad." This puts Dad on the spot and makes him out to be the bad guy each time. Dad doesn't get notices from school 3 months in advance that these activities are coming up, just last minute notice asking for a hand out. If we couldn't give the extra money, we were snubbed during the next visitation. Doesn't seem fair that the children were taught to put conditions on their time with dad. No pay, no play even when the dad is making his court approved payments.
As for me, my children and my ex's. I am always the one having the conversation with the ex concerning finances. Two years ago, I discussed trade school expenses with my first ex when our daughter wanted to go to massage therapy school. She was 18 and he was no longer paying child support. As an adult, she could have had that conversation with her dad and did discuss her desire to attend with him. However, the bulk of the financing was up to me and/or him. We reached an agreement and she went to school. We were accustomed to dealing with each other over finances concerning our two children for over 15 years. Their needs before our emotions has kept us as friends for all these years. I respect his finances and he respects mine.
Now that I am freshly divorced again, I am trying to figure out my budget for expenses based on my income and the support he pays. I am trying to keep my expenses within my own income range and use the support for what it is intended: supporting the children. My son is 17 and I won't be receiving support much longer for him. Then his dad and I will decide what we can afford for higher education and go from there.
I hope you will reconsider asking your son to keep going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. It may result in him carrying around resentments which will deprive him of the peace and serenity he needs to grow into a healthy young man.
This quote from "Courage to Change" has brought me up short on my own expectations recently:
"An expectation is a premeditated resentment"
I wish you peace in your new life.
Why are you still going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread?
I don't know if you have legally seperated and have court approved support yet. If not, you should seek that as soon as possible. This has been my experience:
I'm am divorced from my A and we have a child together, I also have two children from a previous marriage. I have learned that the child support I receive is to support the children and their extracurricular activities. If there is extra, great! If not, I have to let them know we can't afford it at this time. When extra activities cost more than I can afford, I am the one to ask the father and find out if there is any way he can help with a little extra. I don't send the children to ask for money from their dad. The only time they ask for something is if HE offers to spend money on them while shopping or for a special occasion. I want them to love their dad as a father and not think of him as an ATM machine. I learned this the hard way.
I have witnessed my step children's relationship with their dad's deteriorate in both my marriages. The children of my ex's were always asking for extra money, and expensive gifts. Mom always said "Ask your Dad." This puts Dad on the spot and makes him out to be the bad guy each time. Dad doesn't get notices from school 3 months in advance that these activities are coming up, just last minute notice asking for a hand out. If we couldn't give the extra money, we were snubbed during the next visitation. Doesn't seem fair that the children were taught to put conditions on their time with dad. No pay, no play even when the dad is making his court approved payments.
As for me, my children and my ex's. I am always the one having the conversation with the ex concerning finances. Two years ago, I discussed trade school expenses with my first ex when our daughter wanted to go to massage therapy school. She was 18 and he was no longer paying child support. As an adult, she could have had that conversation with her dad and did discuss her desire to attend with him. However, the bulk of the financing was up to me and/or him. We reached an agreement and she went to school. We were accustomed to dealing with each other over finances concerning our two children for over 15 years. Their needs before our emotions has kept us as friends for all these years. I respect his finances and he respects mine.
Now that I am freshly divorced again, I am trying to figure out my budget for expenses based on my income and the support he pays. I am trying to keep my expenses within my own income range and use the support for what it is intended: supporting the children. My son is 17 and I won't be receiving support much longer for him. Then his dad and I will decide what we can afford for higher education and go from there.
I hope you will reconsider asking your son to keep going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. It may result in him carrying around resentments which will deprive him of the peace and serenity he needs to grow into a healthy young man.
This quote from "Courage to Change" has brought me up short on my own expectations recently:
"An expectation is a premeditated resentment"
I wish you peace in your new life.
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