mle-sober

Well. I haven't had a drink. But I'm kind of going through hell. Drinking is really far from my mind right now. There's the gift in it all. I'm too busy going through my own special hell to think about drinking. I know (without any doubt) that drinking would only make all things worse.

It's as if someone has peeled away a layer of my life and left, exposed, a bloody, smelly, rotting corpse. What I believed in no longer exists. My husband is another man completely. We are getting a divorce - yet have to live in the same house. My family is not a given - he wants to take full custody. My parents and sisters are afraid for my safety. He is mean. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. First today and then tomorrow.

Drinking doesn't even have an appeal! What a miracle! Seriously. In the past, I could use the fact that I'd picked a scab as an excuse to comofrt myself with a bottle of wine.

Now, it's like God has picked the "DRINK ALCOHOL TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER" gene out of my body - leaving nothing but a sort of empty bewilderment. Wasn't that there just a minute ago? Heh! Hoo-rray! I'll take that gift and run with it!

It has nothing to do with me or my efforts. It's like something given to me.

Anyway, I've been less active recently here at SR. There's the attempt to explain. I'm reading. And posting a little. But just kind of preoccupied. Still love the strength here. Glad you're all here.

Dee74

Glad you're still here too, M.
I'm sorry for your troubles, but I have faith all will work out.

hugs
D

barb dwyer

mle-sober -

****{hugs}}}for the bad stuff.


{hugs}}}for the accomplishment. I remember when you first got here - how far you've come... go back and read some of your first posts.

I felt the same way - and I went out and volunteered.

it was an 'off the wall' thing to do - but it was also THE thing to do.
I'm tellin ya - it may just change everything.

*prayers*

CarolD

I'm concerned about domestic abuse in your situation.
Please contact a local womans crisis center for options.
It's wise to have a plan.....hust in case.....

Well done on your sobriety ...

michelle01

I'm sorry that things are so difficult, but am glad you didn't drink.

I've just been thinking of all the ways we try to convince ourselves that we 'need' a drink to get through life, despite all the abounding evidence that the results are lame and not worth it. We spend so much time trying to figure out how the 'normies' do it and get through seemingly okay. How kids have so much natural enthusiasm, etc.

It puzzled me for a long time, though I think I'm now beginning to understand. Take care of yourself.

Jules62

I'm really glad too you're still here mle. I am so sorry about all you're having to deal with, but please know that even though I imagine you feel anything but?You are a living miracle to me.You've turned so many things around in the past year and you continue to inspire me with your thoughtful, honest posts.

I understand needing to lay low for a while.Please take care of you through all of this, won't you?I will certainly be praying for you and for a good outcome,

Love,

Julesxox

Hevyn

I remember when you first got here, too, & how uncertain you were about your marriage & wondered if it would survive. I believe you felt your husband was unsympathetic and almost cruel at times. Judging from what you shared, you gave him every opportunity to be different & tried to be understanding when he was impatient and remote with you.

It is a miracle you aren't craving a drink - I doubt that I'd be as strong. Whatever you're facing, you'll be clear headed to deal with it all. I hope by coming here to talk about it you'll feel a bit of relief.

mle-sober

Thank you - my current plan is to call 911 at the drop of a hat. Does that count as a plan?

coffeenut

The fact that you don't want a drink, is a testament to the strong woman you have become. I applaud you.

Please, please be careful. Have 911 on your speed dial. And please check in every now and again. You are with us.

gerryP

Ugh...so sorry to hear how tough things are for you Mle.

How wonderful that a drink hasn't come to mind as a comfort to you. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Liberty47

MLE, I think you are a living miracle, and I wish more posters had said so- I've seen SO many people drink and use over so much less than what you are going through. I mainly lurk on SR, but really wanted to put out there in this case what an inspiration you are- some day, this too shall pass, and you will still be sober and and ready to embrace the happiness you truly deserve!

CarolD

Well.....yes and no....

I am thinking more along the lines of .....
a safe house where you can not be located.

Keeping cash + clothes in your car trunck
if you have your own vehicle. If not....
stashing them with a trusted person.

That's why I suggested making the call to
your local crisis center.....I have no idea
what is available to you.
I also don't know the laws in Co. but
they will.

Ok...maybe I am over reacting but I did leave
an abusive marriage in MD. years ago.
I wish I had been more prepared.

Praayers coming your way....stay as safe as possible.

vegibean

mle-you are singing my song of personal hell. Been through the whole ordeal. Better to be divorced and going through what I'm going through now. You can get through this and I know it sucks. Drinking is not an option for me either. So not worth it. You've got my support 110%!!

Jomey

Glad you checked in MLE - prayers for you that things will work out & you will be safe...very happy you are sober! Jomey

Anna

Hi Em,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Carol's idea to have a plan in place is a good one. Being prepared could only be a good thing.

I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Horselover

I agree ML. Thanks for checking in. I wish things could be better for you right now. I think living in the same house during a divorce has to be so unbelievably hard. I can't imagine it. Is there no place, no friend or family you could go stay with? I'm saying prayers for you ML! Hugs - Sarah

mle-sober

Thank you all of you. I feel supported and lifted up by your prayers and your kind words. My son said that at our house, it's as if there's been a death but the person is still walking around with us. How gruesome but true.

I can't leave the house without the kids because he could claim I'd abandoned them and get custody. I've seen it happen. I can't leave the house WITH the kids because I could be accused of kidnapping them. I talked to a lawyer. We just have to let the process winde its way through the steps.

In the meantime, I am trying to be civil and not provoke him. And I'm trying to be there for each of my kids in the ways that they need me. And I'm alert. It's like I'm on high terror alert or something. And I remain aware of the danger or drinking.

One not so funny thing happened: I had some really evil thoughts come into my head yesterday. He's always been convinced that I've had affairs. Which I haven't and never would. And he also questioned extensively whether our first child was his - throughout my pregnancy and until the baby was about one year old. He took a long time to sign the birth certificate. This parinoia has always been part of his personality. I had this evil thought of telling him he was right. I'd had an affair and the baby (who's 8 now) wasn't his. I thought how incredibly mad and horrified this would make him and how it might equal the feelings I have about him trying to take my children away from me and say I'm not a good mom when I know in my heart that's the one thing I can be clear on - that I'm a good mom. I couldn;t believe I thought this horrible thought. Even thinking it seemed wrong. But the truth is, I would never do such a thing. My mom pointed out he would probably kill me if I did. Which is probably true. Anyway - had to confess the evil thought. Hope you don't judge me. It was just a thought. Never an action.

Thank you, all of you! I feel stronger from reading your responses. I soldier on.

mikefreak

Sorry you are having to go through something like this. He sounds like a total insecure nutcase. Is there any way you & the kids can GET THE HELL out of there for a while? good l;uck.

adore79

((((((mle))))))

Bamboozle

I like Carol's suggestions. Hang in there and stay safe.

Do you have any neighbors you can reach out to?

Stay in contact.