A blurt... a shot in the dark
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 7
A blurt... a shot in the dark
Hi, to anyone who see's this, hope your in a good place, I'm not you see.
Not sure what to do, or even what to say, where do I begin? I know I've got a problem, and that I have to stop but can't. Sounds weak, I know.
It’s all very well to just say to myself don’t drink anymore then but I’ve tried that, failed every time. No matter how big the desire or severe the curse a few days later it creeps back in, I fool myself with thinking; I’ll only drink beer, no more Chang, definitely no whiskey, only at the weekends, you name it but the resolve only lasts for so long. Events, places and my weak will means I always end up getting completely trashed at some point. And that has always been the case, all my ****** up life. So, I know I gotta stop but can’t imagine a world without a beer or glass of wine, a nice brandy, just can’t see myself not drinking but I know I’ve got to. It’s ******* dangerous to get wasted here too.
There’s no doctor to ask anymore, no shrink to give advice and of course no alcoholic counsellor’s head to **** with. Good, don’t need them anyway, but what to do? I mean take yesterday.
I had even promised a good mate in the US that I wouldn’t touch a drop till Christmas, just to see if I could do it, he just laughed. He knows me well enough. A student was so happy I helped him out in getting him into a further Ed school that he brought me 5 cans of Chang. Could hardly say no to him, poor bugger had walked miles to get them and spent 100B, last night I just sat and watched a film knowing that I’d drink them, and drink them all. Just couldn’t even fight the thought of it. **** it, drink it. Should be a bloody motto. You see, I can go days with out a drink, no sweat, but when I do arrange to get it I’m always thinking of the next one, thinking we don’t have enough, quick get some more in, what can we get, how much can I get? Why??? I taste it and want more, and being me I usually get it. The only way is to stop but how the **** do I do that when I have never been a week without a drink since I was 15. Can’t even blame growing up in a pub, I was like it before, when two cans of special brew did the trick. And then there are the drugs…
All the drugs. Different chapters, different friends, different drugs but always I would push the limits every time. Thinking now it’s not really the same as drink, I always knew what I was doing on drugs, always had that kind of control even if I was ****** up real bad. Drinks different with me, there’s a switch that gets thrown in my brain, a chemical switch. Sometimes I just wake up and all is okay, I’d of made it home and crashed. Other times was like the last, a groggy coming to somewhere strange, the looks of people who have a memory of the previous night, the pain of seeing it in their eyes, friendships ruined. There’s never, or hardly ever, a memory that comes back, its total black out, an impenetrable darkness I can’t fathom for any answers. But the damage is done, again.
How many times have I recoiled from locations and people because of that darkness? How many good relationships have been thrown away along with my reputation? How long am I going to let this **** my life up? Can I stop it? If I can’t I’m screwed.
I’ve known this for decades and put it to one side every time because of a realisation that scares the **** out of me. If I turn to face this and can not, then… knowing me, it’s curtains. One way or another it’s curtains. Because all the time you deny it, it’s not that you don’t have to face it (you do in some degree with every hangover), it’s that you don’t have to actually deal with it. The ultimate impasse; either accept you are an alcoholic and turn to beat it or you turn to it and lose. The steaks are winning and never drinking again or loosing and collapsing into a binge you’ll never recover from. Walk this track and you’ll trip a mine, or you’ll be shot and killed. Well, I do walk tracks like that on occasion but never on my own, always with armed friends who really know their stuff. And you know what’s scary? Being honest, I’d rather be shot dead in the jungle because I’ve never really feared death, but I do fear greatly tripping a land mine.
I can say all the way till the next time that I won’t drink anymore but I know, have known, despite the current conviction, its ********. Guess I need a Paddle because it sure feels like **** creek to me. Honesty does that sometimes, which is why I suppose I’ve always lied to myself.
I don't live in the West and there is no help here, no meetings of brave broken men, no doctors just this crazy life, I live on the border of Thailand and Burma.
If anyone has made it to the end of this dire mail, and I wouldn't blame anyone for flicking the channel, could someone, anyone, give me some advice. Others must have this condition, always wanting more, but the usual stuff can't help me here. Gotta do this own my own, just have no idea how.
Not sure what to do, or even what to say, where do I begin? I know I've got a problem, and that I have to stop but can't. Sounds weak, I know.
It’s all very well to just say to myself don’t drink anymore then but I’ve tried that, failed every time. No matter how big the desire or severe the curse a few days later it creeps back in, I fool myself with thinking; I’ll only drink beer, no more Chang, definitely no whiskey, only at the weekends, you name it but the resolve only lasts for so long. Events, places and my weak will means I always end up getting completely trashed at some point. And that has always been the case, all my ****** up life. So, I know I gotta stop but can’t imagine a world without a beer or glass of wine, a nice brandy, just can’t see myself not drinking but I know I’ve got to. It’s ******* dangerous to get wasted here too.
There’s no doctor to ask anymore, no shrink to give advice and of course no alcoholic counsellor’s head to **** with. Good, don’t need them anyway, but what to do? I mean take yesterday.
I had even promised a good mate in the US that I wouldn’t touch a drop till Christmas, just to see if I could do it, he just laughed. He knows me well enough. A student was so happy I helped him out in getting him into a further Ed school that he brought me 5 cans of Chang. Could hardly say no to him, poor bugger had walked miles to get them and spent 100B, last night I just sat and watched a film knowing that I’d drink them, and drink them all. Just couldn’t even fight the thought of it. **** it, drink it. Should be a bloody motto. You see, I can go days with out a drink, no sweat, but when I do arrange to get it I’m always thinking of the next one, thinking we don’t have enough, quick get some more in, what can we get, how much can I get? Why??? I taste it and want more, and being me I usually get it. The only way is to stop but how the **** do I do that when I have never been a week without a drink since I was 15. Can’t even blame growing up in a pub, I was like it before, when two cans of special brew did the trick. And then there are the drugs…
All the drugs. Different chapters, different friends, different drugs but always I would push the limits every time. Thinking now it’s not really the same as drink, I always knew what I was doing on drugs, always had that kind of control even if I was ****** up real bad. Drinks different with me, there’s a switch that gets thrown in my brain, a chemical switch. Sometimes I just wake up and all is okay, I’d of made it home and crashed. Other times was like the last, a groggy coming to somewhere strange, the looks of people who have a memory of the previous night, the pain of seeing it in their eyes, friendships ruined. There’s never, or hardly ever, a memory that comes back, its total black out, an impenetrable darkness I can’t fathom for any answers. But the damage is done, again.
How many times have I recoiled from locations and people because of that darkness? How many good relationships have been thrown away along with my reputation? How long am I going to let this **** my life up? Can I stop it? If I can’t I’m screwed.
I’ve known this for decades and put it to one side every time because of a realisation that scares the **** out of me. If I turn to face this and can not, then… knowing me, it’s curtains. One way or another it’s curtains. Because all the time you deny it, it’s not that you don’t have to face it (you do in some degree with every hangover), it’s that you don’t have to actually deal with it. The ultimate impasse; either accept you are an alcoholic and turn to beat it or you turn to it and lose. The steaks are winning and never drinking again or loosing and collapsing into a binge you’ll never recover from. Walk this track and you’ll trip a mine, or you’ll be shot and killed. Well, I do walk tracks like that on occasion but never on my own, always with armed friends who really know their stuff. And you know what’s scary? Being honest, I’d rather be shot dead in the jungle because I’ve never really feared death, but I do fear greatly tripping a land mine.
I can say all the way till the next time that I won’t drink anymore but I know, have known, despite the current conviction, its ********. Guess I need a Paddle because it sure feels like **** creek to me. Honesty does that sometimes, which is why I suppose I’ve always lied to myself.
I don't live in the West and there is no help here, no meetings of brave broken men, no doctors just this crazy life, I live on the border of Thailand and Burma.
If anyone has made it to the end of this dire mail, and I wouldn't blame anyone for flicking the channel, could someone, anyone, give me some advice. Others must have this condition, always wanting more, but the usual stuff can't help me here. Gotta do this own my own, just have no idea how.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
You were smart to come to SR. There are a lot of people that will pop in later that will offer words of wisdom.
Welcome to SR. YOU are responsible for your drinking. YOU are responsible to stop. And yes, it is doable. I did it w/o AA. Drank for 30 years. Like I said, stick around SR...and read EVERYTHING.
Welcome to SR. YOU are responsible for your drinking. YOU are responsible to stop. And yes, it is doable. I did it w/o AA. Drank for 30 years. Like I said, stick around SR...and read EVERYTHING.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
Man, I'm only a couple days in and not in any kind of position to offer advice. Everybody has their own moment of clarity. For me it was the realization that I am physiologically preordained to destroy my life if I drink, no matter how much I try to kid myself about it. The only solution for me is to stop drinking and try to figure out why I was so intent on screwing myself up.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
:
Welcome to SR
There are members here who are happily sober without
using a structured program. I hope you will stay
around to meet them.
Best wishes.....
Welcome to SR
There are members here who are happily sober without
using a structured program. I hope you will stay
around to meet them.
Best wishes.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hello and Welcome to SR...
YOU are not alone...ALL alcoholics experience many of the same things you have...Sobriety is possible and the only way one can live a meaningful life...
First thing you must do is admit you have a problem and it looks like you have...Next, latch on to all the support you can find...SR is a great place...May be you have other friends that are suffering in their addictions too and you could have your own meeting much like AA...Maybe you could start meetings in your area...
Keep reaching out...YOU can do this...
YOU are not alone...ALL alcoholics experience many of the same things you have...Sobriety is possible and the only way one can live a meaningful life...
First thing you must do is admit you have a problem and it looks like you have...Next, latch on to all the support you can find...SR is a great place...May be you have other friends that are suffering in their addictions too and you could have your own meeting much like AA...Maybe you could start meetings in your area...
Keep reaching out...YOU can do this...
Stick around, there is a lot of support and information here. Reaching out for help is a great first step.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
There is lots of hope.
You can do it on your own if you are motivated.
And, yes, denial is a huge part of addiction. Many of us struggle with accepting that we are addicts. But, accepting the situation is necessary for recovery.
You can do it on your own if you are motivated.
And, yes, denial is a huge part of addiction. Many of us struggle with accepting that we are addicts. But, accepting the situation is necessary for recovery.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Fatchance welcome to SR, this is a great place to start, you spoke of :
I attend those meetings you speak of, I was a broken man when I started as every single one of us (Men & Women) were in the begining...... let me say that we are no longer broken........ far from it. We have found a common solution that can work for you as well if you are willing to go to any length to get and stay sober. Here is the link to the Home page of the "meetings of brave broken men" that can lead you to recovery Alcoholics Anonymous : here you can find the book Alcoholics Anonymous on line, here you can also find links to meetings on line as well as people like you who are isolated from meetings.
You are not hopeless, trust me I too thought I was hopeless, but I was willing to do what ever I had to, to get and stay sober. I will not lie, it is not easy at first, but in the early days of AA there were people who were thought to be hopeless who with nothing more then a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous got and stayed sober.
meetings of brave broken men
You are not hopeless, trust me I too thought I was hopeless, but I was willing to do what ever I had to, to get and stay sober. I will not lie, it is not easy at first, but in the early days of AA there were people who were thought to be hopeless who with nothing more then a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous got and stayed sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hello and welcome to sr........im glad your here with us.
Firstly my name is shaun.....im an alcoholic..
this means ....like you once i commence drinking i have no control...power or choice to stop.....i am powerless with regards to alcohol.
i empathize with you.......i have been in your position and thought....this is it...this is my life......and this will be my death.
WRONG...........it is possible to live a happy and contented life without alcohol.........but alcoholism will tell you its not possible..
You have no AA meetings?...........BUT......you can get the big book and you can go to on line meetings and you can get an on line sponsor.
In the big book and the steps i started to find the answer to my dilema.......how can i not drink and be happy not drinking......sure it took time and patience.........but my main point was it worked and does work
for this alkie anyhow.
And boy did i try alot of other "stuff" before finding AA and the program of recovery........you name it i tried it.
When i got to AA i was a bum...vagrant........living hand to mouth on the streets.
Id drink anything..........anytime........it was relentless.
This September the 1st i haven't had a drink nor wished to take one for 9 years........and I'm a baby in AA really.
Please look into getting an on line sponsor.....and on line meetings.
download the big book of alcoholics anonymous and start reading.......
PLEASE think about seeing a doctor BEFORE you stop drinking......im sure you know that it can be very dangerous to stop suddenly.
i needed a program to recover.......i found that program in AA and the 12 steps........
i needed a power bigger than me.....i found god.....or rather i open my eyes and he had always been there......
i pray that you find the solution......i can only give you my experience.
plenty of people will give you there experience.......i hope it all adds up to the truth for you........and the truth is..........
it is possible to live life ...happy and content without alcohol.
god go with you and guild you.................shaun ..please feel free to pm me anytime.
Firstly my name is shaun.....im an alcoholic..
this means ....like you once i commence drinking i have no control...power or choice to stop.....i am powerless with regards to alcohol.
i empathize with you.......i have been in your position and thought....this is it...this is my life......and this will be my death.
WRONG...........it is possible to live a happy and contented life without alcohol.........but alcoholism will tell you its not possible..
You have no AA meetings?...........BUT......you can get the big book and you can go to on line meetings and you can get an on line sponsor.
In the big book and the steps i started to find the answer to my dilema.......how can i not drink and be happy not drinking......sure it took time and patience.........but my main point was it worked and does work
for this alkie anyhow.
And boy did i try alot of other "stuff" before finding AA and the program of recovery........you name it i tried it.
When i got to AA i was a bum...vagrant........living hand to mouth on the streets.
Id drink anything..........anytime........it was relentless.
This September the 1st i haven't had a drink nor wished to take one for 9 years........and I'm a baby in AA really.
Please look into getting an on line sponsor.....and on line meetings.
download the big book of alcoholics anonymous and start reading.......
PLEASE think about seeing a doctor BEFORE you stop drinking......im sure you know that it can be very dangerous to stop suddenly.
i needed a program to recover.......i found that program in AA and the 12 steps........
i needed a power bigger than me.....i found god.....or rather i open my eyes and he had always been there......
i pray that you find the solution......i can only give you my experience.
plenty of people will give you there experience.......i hope it all adds up to the truth for you........and the truth is..........
it is possible to live life ...happy and content without alcohol.
god go with you and guild you.................shaun ..please feel free to pm me anytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 7
Hi, thank you so much for your words. I really didn't intend for any offence whatsoever in saying that, the reverse actually, for they are braver then me, AA meetings have been suggested before when I was in the west, but I shunned the idea.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi fatchance, Welcome to the SR forums :ghug3 we may not be right beside you physically but we are all around you spiritually. I can relate to your story in many ways as can most of the members here.
I am also pretty new to this so I will leave it to the more experienced people to provide you with guidance. All I will say is that you can do this & we are all here with you.
Trucker... thank you for that wonderful post, I learned from it.
Please stay with us fatchance, I look forward to seeing your progress & one day looking back at our first posts here on SR & sharing stories about how far we have come & how much better life is now that we are sober.
All of the best in your recovery & life, we are all here with you. Please stay with us & keep posting.
NB :praying
I am also pretty new to this so I will leave it to the more experienced people to provide you with guidance. All I will say is that you can do this & we are all here with you.
Trucker... thank you for that wonderful post, I learned from it.
Please stay with us fatchance, I look forward to seeing your progress & one day looking back at our first posts here on SR & sharing stories about how far we have come & how much better life is now that we are sober.
All of the best in your recovery & life, we are all here with you. Please stay with us & keep posting.
NB :praying
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome to the family, fatchance. Thank you for your eloquent post. My heart goes out to you. I was just the same - caught in a hell of my own creation that I couldn't crawl my way out of. You are fortunate in that you are so self aware - many never acknowledge what they're doing to themselves. Believe it or not, you're on your way to recovery because you've seen the light.
Your words sum it all up, "The stakes are winning & never drinking again, or losing & collapsing into a binge you'll never recover from." That is where I was when I came stumbling in to SR in Aug. '07. After decades of torturing my mind and body I finally got it right. Being faced with certain death was a huge motivator - it should never have come to that. Enough with the remorse, guilt, and shame - they are useless emotions. Time to take action and pull yourself out of this - we know you can do it, and we'll be with you on your journey. Please let us know how you're doing.
Your words sum it all up, "The stakes are winning & never drinking again, or losing & collapsing into a binge you'll never recover from." That is where I was when I came stumbling in to SR in Aug. '07. After decades of torturing my mind and body I finally got it right. Being faced with certain death was a huge motivator - it should never have come to that. Enough with the remorse, guilt, and shame - they are useless emotions. Time to take action and pull yourself out of this - we know you can do it, and we'll be with you on your journey. Please let us know how you're doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 7
whats the score?
Hi,
you'll just have to forgive me, I know bugger all about this except I HAVE to stop.
I can't PM anyone of you, but could really do with chatting some rubbish at the mo, mixed episode is the term, got nothing to stop it, unless..
ah **** it. what's the score with a sponsor? How would I go about getting inconveniencing some poor sod with all the crap in my head/life right now?
Really want a pipe but can't even have that. There's that rage starting in my head, nothing to drown it. Sod this for a game of soldiers. 4 days, what a weak ********.
you'll just have to forgive me, I know bugger all about this except I HAVE to stop.
I can't PM anyone of you, but could really do with chatting some rubbish at the mo, mixed episode is the term, got nothing to stop it, unless..
ah **** it. what's the score with a sponsor? How would I go about getting inconveniencing some poor sod with all the crap in my head/life right now?
Really want a pipe but can't even have that. There's that rage starting in my head, nothing to drown it. Sod this for a game of soldiers. 4 days, what a weak ********.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
well fatchance 12 out of 12, I got 11 out of 12, I was very close to 12 out of 12 when I surrendered! That is right! I bloody gave up the fight!!!! Alcohol had whipped this old goats butt when nothing else had ever been able to do so!
So what did I do after I surrendered to the fact that alcohol owned me, that it controled everything in my life? I had no idea what the heck to do, so I decided I needed to start listening to people who knew how to get and stay sober, but who were they? How could I find them? I had no idea, but I did know that I was going to die if I did not find them and do what they did to get and stay sober.
I was lost, I called and got an appointment with a doctor who specialized in alcoholism and drug addiction. For the first time in my life I was totally HONEST with another person about my drinking, not only was I HONEST, but I was WILLING to do what ever he suggested I do. He told me I needed to be medically detoxed because I was beyond being able to quit drinking safely.
Well I went into detox....... in detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor! I did just that when I got out, I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days and I did get a sponsor. You could go to at least 90 online AA meetings and you could get an online sponsor as well.
Fatchance if you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober you can, I have found a solution to my alcoholism that has worked for me and hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics, you too can find the same solution or if need be another recovery program on line.
If you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober you can!
So what did I do after I surrendered to the fact that alcohol owned me, that it controled everything in my life? I had no idea what the heck to do, so I decided I needed to start listening to people who knew how to get and stay sober, but who were they? How could I find them? I had no idea, but I did know that I was going to die if I did not find them and do what they did to get and stay sober.
I was lost, I called and got an appointment with a doctor who specialized in alcoholism and drug addiction. For the first time in my life I was totally HONEST with another person about my drinking, not only was I HONEST, but I was WILLING to do what ever he suggested I do. He told me I needed to be medically detoxed because I was beyond being able to quit drinking safely.
Well I went into detox....... in detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor! I did just that when I got out, I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days and I did get a sponsor. You could go to at least 90 online AA meetings and you could get an online sponsor as well.
Fatchance if you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober you can, I have found a solution to my alcoholism that has worked for me and hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics, you too can find the same solution or if need be another recovery program on line.
If you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober you can!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 7
Okay Okay I'm sold.
It would have been so easy this afternoon to get a student to run down and get us 'tiger' and I just so nearly went fu** it, sort this stuff out tomorrow, just tonight, one more. This is a joke mate. It's like going into the jungle for the first time, you can read and chat about it beforehand but you don't actually know how a leech feels until you've got a couple of gits sucking off your groin. People can say the hills are hard work but nothing prepares you for it. The thing is I know I'm still just at the verge not even a hour in, not looking forward to what's coming.
This make sense? No worries if not, just corrected that paragraph and it was laden with mistakes, and the analogy is bit unique I suppose!
Look I'm a rational bloke. I've gotta stop I've known that for a long time now, accepted after the last **** up. So, this place for me seems to be good. How do I find a mentor?
Gotta go
It would have been so easy this afternoon to get a student to run down and get us 'tiger' and I just so nearly went fu** it, sort this stuff out tomorrow, just tonight, one more. This is a joke mate. It's like going into the jungle for the first time, you can read and chat about it beforehand but you don't actually know how a leech feels until you've got a couple of gits sucking off your groin. People can say the hills are hard work but nothing prepares you for it. The thing is I know I'm still just at the verge not even a hour in, not looking forward to what's coming.
This make sense? No worries if not, just corrected that paragraph and it was laden with mistakes, and the analogy is bit unique I suppose!
Look I'm a rational bloke. I've gotta stop I've known that for a long time now, accepted after the last **** up. So, this place for me seems to be good. How do I find a mentor?
Gotta go
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Fatchance when the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I would suggest that if you are seeking an AA sponsor/mentor that you could seek one out here or at a online AA meeting. I would suggest going with experience, some one who has sponsored some one else on line and asking them. More then likely your odds would be better seeking a mentor with a similar experience to your own.
BTW leeches are just as nasty as tics and chiggers, no fun at all and for one to know the pain they bring one must have experienced them! LOL
BTW leeches are just as nasty as tics and chiggers, no fun at all and for one to know the pain they bring one must have experienced them! LOL
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