optra

Hi, my name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic. I've been surfing this site for about 6 months and joined last week. Tomorrow will be 9 months sober. I've been attending AA since I quit. About 3 months in I finally took good advice and got a sponser and started doing the steps. I thank God daily that I was finally able to admit to myself that I was an alcoholic...thanks to the Big Book and the experiences shared by other members. I couldn't believe that so many other people had went through almost exactly the same things as me. As stated in the BB my outlook upon life HAS changed.
I'm hoping someone here can share some advice on a specific issue I'm still struggling with though. I'm married to a wonderful woman(for almost 20 years) and as such she is the one person that got to deal with my alcoholic bs the most. I'm one of the lucky ones that didn't lose everything YET.
She finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired last August and told me it was over between us.
After a couple months sober she agreed to attempt reconcilliation. I hadn't started doing the steps yet and was unable to deal with the emotions,guilt, fear that I was feeling now that for the first time since I was 12, I'm 44, without alcohol to escape and was unable to let her close to me.
She has had no Al-Anon to go to and I've been going to AA meetings 3 times a week.
She wants more from me than I can give right now, also she is still in pain from all those years of broken promises, having to make excuses for me etc.
I just don't know if we can get back on the same page.
As much as we both want it to work I'm not sure if she can ever trust me again.
Thank you for any experience, strength and hope you can share.

Mary52

Welcome to SR, Optra. It sounds like you're doing the right things with getting a sponsor and going to meetings and working on the steps. I suggest that you work on you before you can work on a relationship with your wife. I would suggest Al-Anon for her, and try to find them. As long as you keep doing the next right thing one day at a time, it will fall into place. Not always how we want or when we want, but it will work out.

1_day@_a_time

My experience with this is simple. It takes time.

AND, your words (my words) mean NOTHING.

I MUST demonstrate consistently, over time, my ways have changed.

The only way I can do this is to apply the spiritual principles of AA as a way of life in the moment I'm in. Actions, not words.

Attraction, not promotion.

Glad your here, stick around, and go for it!!!!!!!!!!

barb dwyer

hi Steve welcome to SR officially at last, huh?

Congratulations on sticking with the program and following the suggestions.

I understand your concern, and at the same time, I know a thing or two about being the one married to an alcoholic.
I think your focus should be inside the Program looking out for now. Trying to fix things for your wife who is 'wanting more than you have to give' is a viewpoint not withing the immediate needs of recovery.

I am an alcoholic.
And I've been married to alcoholics.
Yes, sir... that's plural.

There's solutions to her not having an Alanon nearby or handy - but she's got to be the one to want to find something. There's programs often NOT officially Alanon, but similar that are often offered through hospitals, counseling centers, and churches.

Something about that statement struck me, hon,
and I am sorry I can't figure right away what it is.

I've seen many many wives attend meetings with their husbands. Not every meeting, but they come as regularly as their mates at one point or the other.
I don't know where you are in your step work, but I do know that talking with your sponsor about this is part of what a sponsor is for. He can guide you to parts of the Big Book that will help her.

Believe me - if she wants it badly enough - there's going to be a way.
And she's going to be the one to find it.

Keep going to meetings and please don't let this move your focus outside the Program until you've completed al the steps.
Completing all the steps affects true genuine change.
Believe me in this.

I agree that outside influences have a tendency to take care of themselves when we're fully committed to our own recovery.

Wolfchild

Welcome to SR and thank you for getting another day sober!!

If she wants reconcilliation, you should take a look at what you want. This may help you to see that you could give her the love and hope that you already have within. If she is willing to have faith in you, that's a start towards rebuilding the trust she had for you. If she is in pain, who's to say that you should not help her to heal? A good idea would be to check your motives with your sponsor and ask for guidance. Keep strengthening your recovery and be open to how God wants to organize reality.

Time2Surrender

Welcome to SoberRecovery Congrats on 9 months

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. Lots of good advice for you here....I would only add to stick around here. People really care.

tommyk

HigherPower

Honesty, openmindedness, and willingness.

(That's HOW.)

serenityqueen

Glad to see your jumped in, joined and shared about yourself. And much congratulations on 9 months clean and sober! The first few years of Recovery in particular, IMO, are a very selfish time in our lives, it has to be that way if we want to build a solid foundation with several support systems, work the Steps harder and more honestly than we have ever done anything in our lives all the while trying to make amends with those who we hurt while we were using. Simply put, it's healthy and positive chaos!

Have you told your wife how you're feeling? It's impossible for a normie to understand what were are feeling and going through, especially if we don't share what's going on with us. Still, they probably won't understand but I think our honesty and openness is a big step in the right direction. This is the complete switch from the lies, deceipt and hiding things.

As others have said, I feel you need to only focus on your Recovery for now. If your marriage is meant to be, it will work out. Although I wasn't married or even in a relationship when I got clean and sober, I still had alot of living amends to make, mainly with my Son and Mom, the two people I am closest to. I worried from day one whether they would ever be able to forgive me, trust me, believe anything I said . . . Just like it took a lot of time for their mistrust, doubt and feelings of being let down to build up, it takes time to mend the damage done.

Keep sharing with us, read around the different forums, keep up with your Meetings, working the Steps and with your Sponsor and turn it over to God and things will automatically fall into place. It may not be exactly what we want, but it will be what's best for us because I believe that God doesn't make any bad choices!

God Bless,
Judy

Hevyn

Welcome to the family, Steve. Like Barb, I've been on both sides of this too. If there is a strong bond between you, I feel that she will come around once she sees it's ok to believe in you again the way she once did. If you search for Al-Anon online there are several different sites - also, the Friends & Family Forum here at SR is a wonderful resource.

Congratulations on your decision to have a new life. We'll be here to cheer you on.

adore79

Hi and welcome glad you signed up.

123bubblegum123

Welcome to SR and congrats on your decision to get sober!

CarolD

Glad you are here with us.....Welcome!

Congratulations on your sober time

McGowdog

Don't know what to tell ya, Optra. But welcome to SR.

If you're truly an alcoholic and you find some path to sobriety AND recovery, who knows what can happen?

I can state my personal experience with sobriety and relationships and it might give you some idea of what to expect and maybe not. My first wife met me when I was in the grips of a progressive drinking "career", as they say. When I got sober in A.A. back then during my 1st serious attempt at sobriety, things seemed to be going well... or so I thought. She left me. Maybe she didn't like the "sober" version of me, or maybe we were just done, IDK.

Then I drank some more and got sober again and seemed as strong as ever in sobriety and I got married again... while sober! So I'm happily married to a gal who likes me sober. I'm not the same guy that I was back then. I'm not saying it's necessarily better... better for me, anyway. But I've got a whole new attitude and different priorities now... ones that wouldn't necessarily attract the type of person who I might have in the past. Excitement just isn't my game anymore. But, I still have an edge to me and much work to do.

It seems like the more I grow spiritually, the keener my ego gets.

Your wife could certainly benefit from 12 Step in Alanon, but that's up to her... not you.

Now here's the advice part; if you were to maybe do a set of steps, you could see what comes of it. If you're gonna do A.A. anyway, you might as well do it right and do the whole deal, right?

gravity

Many similarities to my story.

I'm 42. My wife & I have been together for 18 years.

My actions had to clearly show that I was 100% committed to quitting drinking & to becoming a better man.

I would update her on my stepwork, what I was learning, even when I was struggling.

I had to prove myself as a 100% reliable husband & father. Delivering on all commitments to my family. Doing my best to be kind & loving.

By the time I got to my step 9 amend, I had 4 months sober and a bit of a track record. After we talked, I asked her what she wanted from me. She said "keep doing what you are doing." And that's what I'm doing!

I'll never fully know what my wife thinks but with each passing milestone, her confidence in me grows.

By the way, we do get past the guilt & the fear. Stepwork and patience.

NewBeginning010

Glad you are with us Steve keep posting & sharing with us.

Anna

Hi Steve,

Welcome!

I'm glad you're doing well, and I hope that you can find a way to work things out for both you and your wife.

sfields141

God grant me the serenity to accept the thingsI cant change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. This serenity prayer has carried me through all my bumps in my road to soberiety since 89, use it and believe in it and it will answer all questions..

optra

Thank you ALL for your welcome and support, what a feeling to get so much from people I've never met. Much like what I find in AA, I guess its because we all have the common bond of this disease. As strange as it feels to say this as each sober day passes I can't help but feel that it is a blessing!

keithj

Congrats Steve, on working the steps. You didn't say where you were at with that, but if you continue, you will have a life beyond your dreams. Happens every time.

Why don't you let God figure that one out for you. It's easy to turn my alcoholism over to the care of God as I understand him. I wasn't too fond of my alcoholism in the first place, and I sure wasn't doing a good job of managing it. But, 3rd step says my will and my life. Right now, Steve, is when the magic of the program can happen. Without exception, every single time I've been willing to seek God's will, not mine, the situation has turned out OK, oftentimes better than I would have thought. The real magic is when I'm willing to take a course of action indicated by a higher power, even when it is not the courseI want. Those things always work out for me. And that's what builds faith.


Best you can do is be trustworthy. Her reaction is not your concern.