Questa

Hey everyone.

First off I've been reading this forum for quite awhile and I think everyone is really damn brave for every shred of time, advice and care that goes into these numerous posts.

I'm 25 and have been drinking heavily since age 21. Cancer combined with numerous deaths in my family and lots of friends who didn't know how to help started me on a life of "functional" alcoholism.

Functional means absolute crap though and I think that doesn't need further explanation. I know it isn't functional and at least I feel smart enough to realize that now. I know the choices I make are mine.

The awful thing is that I managed to get into graduate school regardless and am still managing to pass all my classes. Oh it's medical school too which feels even worse somehow. I am the biggest joke of a hypocrite in the world.

That just makes me feel more guilty and anxiety ridden when I feel like this is now my drunk version of normalcy.

I feel pretty miserable all the time and just started seeing a counselor and then made it two weeks sober and the second she said something I didn't want to hear...

I've been drinking heavily every single day and night again for a solid week. Thank God I take the bus back and forth from school/hospital to work...how ironic.

Anyways...I think everyone here is brave and your stories matter and I just felt the need to say that.

Thanks,
Q

Tazman53

Questa welcome to SR.

If you are an alcoholic then you are not a hypocite! Being in medical school you should know that alcoholism is an incureable progressive disease. The good news is that alcoholism can be arrested by total abstinance. The bad news is that an alcoholic can go without a drink for 10 years, start to drink again and in very short order be right back to where they left off in their alcoholism.

I would highly suggest reading either "Under The Influence" &/or "Beyond The Influence", both of them are compilations of scientific and medical research into alcoholism.

As an alcoholic I can tell you that until I found a solution to my alcoholism, any thing was an excuse to drink, someone mad me mad, some one hurt my feelings, I was happy, I was sad, the sun came up, the sun went down..........

BTW alcoholism and drug addiction is pretty darn common in the medical profession so please do not feel "I am the only med student in the whole world who has a drinking problem." Your not!

I would highly reccommend the next time you see your counselor to ask where is the AA meeting/meetings at your school. Oh you don't think there is one do you? Ask and you will see, it is a rare school that does not have at least one if not more. I found a solution for my alcoholism in AA as hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics have, why not give it a try? What do you really have to lose, a drinking problem? What do you have to gain? SObriety and a life!

Questa

Thank you Taz you are very correct.

I have read both of those books and it is pretty frustrating the way you separate yourself from what is happening in your mind.

I can take a test and solve a problem and interview someone and then cope with it in the worst possible way.

I did not want to mention how frustrating it is that I would say over 50% of people in medical school have a problem with alcohol.

I just wanted to make it clear I own up to my own choices.

Thank you so much for commenting I will certainly ask my counselor about finding meetings. I've just been pretty scared to go.

Thank you,
Q

FizzyWater

Welcome Questa

Try a period of sobriety and see how things go.

AA is a great way to get sober and get some support. I don't use it though, I've been sober for the last year using this site as my sole means of support.

I try to check in here at least once a day and although I'll not pretend its always easy it is possible.

Keep posting and good luck

serenityqueen

When I saw the topic of this thread, I just had to click on it for the simple fact that I used to think because I had a good job, a roof over my head and lots of friends who were successful that I was a functional alcoholic and addict. I'd get in trouble with the law or my family would be so fed up with my sh*t that I'd go back to AA. I had argued on more than one occassion that I was a functional alcoholic and I wasn't going to "end up" like so many of the others in the rooms. There was this one guy who had several years clean & sober who would simply look at me and say, "keep coming back." Oh, those three words made me so mad! Now, they hold so much meaning.

Anyway, as Taz said, you should know that alcoholism is a disease, not a weakness like many still believe. If you had Diabetes, Cancer or Heart Disease, would you feel the same way?

You could make the absolute best kind of doctor who specializes in addiction. What better person than someone who not only has the book knowledge but first hand experience of what it's like to be an alcoholic. I have met many, many counselors, nurses and physicians over my years of struggling in Recovery and by far, the ones who I could relate to the most were those in Recovery.

The next time you get the thoughts in your head that you're a hypocrite, remember where this is coming from. . . it's your disease wanting to keep you sick. There's a saying that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. For me, those negative messages that it sent (and still tries to send) are one of the strongest indicators that this statement is so very true.

Have you been to any Meetings? I wrote in another thread a few minutes ago that I imagine some people get so tired of hearing, "go to Meetings, work the Steps, get a Sponsor . . . " but there's a reason why so many of us continue to suggest this. Because it works! Believe me, I tried damn near everything trying to get this "Recovery stuff" and after 25 years of in and out of some clean time, I finally surrendered completely. Through AA, the Steps, my Sponsor and having a close contact a God of my understanding I have been able to not pick up in nearly 4 years.

I hope you'll keep reading the different forums, sharing what you feel comfortable with and remember, One Day at A Time.

God Bless,
Judy

Questa

Thank you fizzy...

I thought I was really on my way after my two weeks and then was pretty horrified about how easy it was for me to cave.

I finally have to come to terms/figure it out why I drink in the first place.

I felt like I was already regretting posting but your comments along with Taz make me feel good about taking this step.

People on this forum are pretty freaking impressive.

Thank you,
Q

Questa

Judy...

I kinda am wishing I didn't just read that cause you have hit the nail on the head. I had just decided last week to give up and then I won an award from my med school about my psychiatric skills and my ability to teach about substance co-morbidity. Everyone in my family is an alcoholic and my brother is a drug addict so I'm always still the "functional" one by comparison.

I promptly went to the bathroom to throw up.

I felt like it was so unfair to feel proud of myself when I had been caving to the substance I preach to stay away from every single day.

I understand it...I cannot seem to see myself being able to survive.

How is it that you stop feeling that drinking is justified? I don't want to post about all of the horrible things I feel are excuses. Everyone has those and I don't want to make excuses.

Meetings I know. I know I know I know.

I'm just scared.

This place is seriously amazing. Thank you from every pore in my body.

Q

serenityqueen

Questa

Judy you are right again...anything seems like an excuse.

Tazman53

Questa if you were not scared I would suggest you see a shrink!!!!

Of course you are scared, who is not scared of the unknown? Being scared of the unknown is normal, think about it:

Were you not scared to go to kindergarten? Why? The great unknown!

Were you not scared to go to intermediate school? Why? The great unknown!

Were you not scared to go to ihigh school? Why? The great unknown!

Were you not scared to go to university? Why? The great unknown!

Well going to AA is scary, I thought it was the end of my life! I figured I was going to go to AA and see a whole bunch of old broken down old men drinking coffee, smoking cigarretes and crying about how they could not handle thier booze anymore and how miserable thier lifes were.

Well when I went to my first meeting I was sure I was in the wrong place, there were people laughing, joking and talking, most of them had a twinkle in their eye. There were people dressed in everything from jeans and t-shirts to coat & tie, there were people of every age, gender, and profession! I just knew that as miserable and scared as I was this could not be the right place!

Well I was wrong, and what was amazing was these people at one time had been right where I was at at that time.

I will tell you this, every AA meeting has a personality, go to several of them, the first one you go to may not be to your liking.

Check out beginners meetings and meeting on or near campus, you will find people closer to your age, you may find old goats like me harder to relate to! LOL

Mark75

Hey Questa... Good Question....

My experience with this is simple,really. For me, I just had to not drink. I had to string a whole lot of days together and get SANITY into my life. By around 4-5 months, I think, I began to see the fallacy in whatever justification I thought I had to drink. Does that mean I never want to have a drink? Oh no, while the acute urge and cravings are gone, sure, there are times... usually when I see those neon signs or commercials showing the glamorous side of alcohol...

What I am saying, is that for me, once I was sober for awhile, I quit seeing the justification in drinking. This is one of those things where you just have to give it time, and well, time takes time... It gets better, promise.

Mark

Questa

I am overwhelmed by the response.

I do need to go to meetings. I am just so ashamed because I am the only "normal one" in my family. My brother was just abused at NA and he just swears to me it makes him 'worse' to go.

I know he is upset/has is own problems too but I just felt that I'm the only one still in school and functional and it must not be a problem.

I'm here because I know that is a lie.

That is what the disease says and I know it and having everyone here be so understanding is just so incredible.

I just always hide how miserable I am and it is very comforting to know that it is ok to feel this embarrassed.

Thank you all so much,

Q

flutter

I have to run to work, but I wanted to just respond and say hello. I remember being pretty much the "superstar" at work, at home etc.. and no one knew I was dying inside, scared, feeling like a hypocrite. I used to even wish that someone would pull an intervention on me, because I was so far gone, I was embarrassed to admit how bad it was. That kept me drinking and killng myself until I did almost kill myself. I remember how that felt (your description of the award, and puking rang so true for me), but I also know now that I never ever have to feel like that again. The relief from a dependency so strong and so lethal is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and though you cant see it now, cuz I know I couldn't.. you do deserve it.

Ok that was longer than I thought it would be Have a wonderful day, and thank you for posting, I'm sure that took a lot to put out there!!

Philly

Q-

Welcome and you can see why I love this site. You have been given great advice by just asking. Taz and Judy are great. I don't use AA for personal reasons but it does seem the way to go. This site is my replacement. You think we should be able to see alcoholism coming but we don't. My father was an alcoholic but I never knew him because he never left the bar. My sister was an alcoholic who almost died and she came to me for help about 10 years ago. I got her in rehab and now is a very active member in AA. My husband has been a problem drinker his whole life. I started drinking in my
40's when my kids got older. I got my degree and went to work and thought now I deserve to enjoy myself on weekends. Long story short (too late for that) my drinking turned into full blown alcohlism in about 5 years. I never saw it coming. I guess I didn't want to admit it. Sometimes now after only 10 months I feel lucky that I did something about the problem. It is not easy but it is doable.

I too believe everything happens for a reason. I think because you are here at the young age of 25 with your whole life ahead of you, you are way ahead of the curve. Alot of people lose everything. If you can just realize you have the disease you will have one hell of a life ahead of you. Good luck and keep posting SR is a great resource.

Mark75

When I started grad school, my brother started AA, that was after my parents divorced and my dad started AA... It took me 24 years to hit my bottom, well, I needed some help to see my bottom.

I too was the superstar... Between my traumatic intervention, rehab and the fall from grace was an ocean of shame. I wish I had seen where I was headed when I was where you are now.

You are doing great.

Mark

Philly

One more thing about being the normal one. My sister always called me the "normie "but in hind site maybe if we do something about this disease that will continue to make us the normal ones. We figured out we had a problem and did something about it. Again good luck and keep reading/posting.

Believe808

Hi Q - I think its super that you are so young and straightening yourself out. I couldn't see how I was heading for disaster at your age. Bravo to your going to Med School, that's another plus.
My belief is that we should all be afraid, it shouldnt be the fear of an AA meeting, we don't bite, its the fear that if I don't work a program I will go back out and probably not make it back this time. I have been given chance and chance again, this is it!!!!
There are many in the Med field as well as all walks of life in AA. I sit next to people at my meetings and don't know what profession or what they do outside of meetings and probably wouldn't have anything in common with them but we all have the one important thing in common and that's that we ARE ALL ALCOHOLICS trying to STAY SOBER.

Good luck with your Sobriety and your career.

Wolfchild

Thank you for sharing about your difficulties with alcohol and welcome.

Mattcake

Welcome to SR, Questa

I can relate. I've always been an overachiever, [insert shiny adjective here ] and quite able to take on whatever challenges were thrown my way. But I also felt numb -dead- inside, and my drinking was a symptom of this situation. Seeking help, waving a white flag and surrendering is not the same as giving up. I'm glad I did it.

Uhmm.. also... don't devalue your accomplishments... A lot of us tend to be very hard on ourselves. Though you might feel like a hypocrite, your efforts seem to stem from good faith.

I hope to see more of you Take good care of yourself.

gravity

I just finished reading Lucky Man by Micheal J. Fox.

He writes about how he always felt like a fraud & that he would be found out, that his career & marriage were undeserving. The result was a non-stop work schedule & alcoholism. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For a long time, he thought that his Parkinsons disease was that other shoe.

I can really relate to his story. I come from a somewhat difficult background (racism, poverty, alcoholic mother) but have done well academically and career wise. I have a beautiful family.

But I used to think that I was a fraud, that I have done nothing to deserve what I have. Alcohol would help fill the void but then it stopped working.

I have been sober for 17 months through AA, ongoing spiritual growth, and the support of family & friends. With each passing day and each bit of growth, I am seeing the truth about who I am. I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not so scared anymore.

The only way I can live a good sober life is to face head-on the reasons why I used to drink. No more hiding in a bottle.

There is a solution.