Feelings
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
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Feelings
It’s okay to have & feel our feelings – all of them.
Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we’ve lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging & the most long-lived.
Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations. We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy & love. We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.
But times have changed. It is okay now for us to acknowledge & accept our emotions. We don’t need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It’s connected to our physical well-being, our thinking & our spirituality.
Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct. They enable us to give & receive love.
We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we’re becoming healthy & whole.
Today, I will allow myself to recognize & accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.
Melody Beattie
Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we’ve lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging & the most long-lived.
Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations. We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy & love. We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.
But times have changed. It is okay now for us to acknowledge & accept our emotions. We don’t need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It’s connected to our physical well-being, our thinking & our spirituality.
Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct. They enable us to give & receive love.
We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we’re becoming healthy & whole.
Today, I will allow myself to recognize & accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.
Melody Beattie
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
We don’t need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It’s connected to our physical well-being, our thinking & our spirituality.
Today (most of the time) I am able to think before I react. Think about what I am feeling before I react and that is a good thing. I work on this daily.
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Me too Pauline...I HATE criticism and that is almost always a good way to get a reaction from me. I make excuses...and then I feel silly about it.
From Ward I basically get outraged...from a friend I take it way to personally...from an employer I feel like I have made a mistake and am not appreciated.
Is that typical of ACOA's?
I wonder,
JT
From Ward I basically get outraged...from a friend I take it way to personally...from an employer I feel like I have made a mistake and am not appreciated.
Is that typical of ACOA's?
I wonder,
JT
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I just did this at work not too long ago. The psychologist I work with looked at me and asked me why I was owning someone elses problem. Hmmm...That is what I was doing. One remark and I'm tearing myself apart to see if it's true. I really do horribly if I know it's not true. I can take the truth better, but not well.
Must be typical. Could it be from a performance based acceptance conditioning?
Must be typical. Could it be from a performance based acceptance conditioning?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I'm pretty sure that not taking criticism well is something typical of ACOAs. We spend all of our lives trying to be and thinking we're perfect, and when someone (other than our parents of course - we're used to their criticism) comes along and criticizes us, we pretty much become unglued.
But I think it becomes easier to handle once we stop seeking approval. So, if you criticize me, as long as I'm not looking for your approval, I can take it or leave it without reacting badly.
At least, I think that's how it works!
But I think it becomes easier to handle once we stop seeking approval. So, if you criticize me, as long as I'm not looking for your approval, I can take it or leave it without reacting badly.
At least, I think that's how it works!
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MG,
What the heck is this??
"performance based acceptance conditioning"
I think I can reason it out but I am going to put you to work anyway! (wink)
JG,
I think you are right. I don't seek approval as much as I did when I was younger. I am more of a "Take me like I am" kind of gal. Or I would like to think so. It is great getting older...you can act like you want!
Combine "program" with getting older and more comfortable in my skin and you have a very scary woman!
Wheeeeee
JT
What the heck is this??
"performance based acceptance conditioning"
I think I can reason it out but I am going to put you to work anyway! (wink)
JG,
I think you are right. I don't seek approval as much as I did when I was younger. I am more of a "Take me like I am" kind of gal. Or I would like to think so. It is great getting older...you can act like you want!
Combine "program" with getting older and more comfortable in my skin and you have a very scary woman!
Wheeeeee
JT
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
If one more person says that I am doing a certain thing or something because I am getting OLDER...I think I will scream - LOL!!!
The strong my program is, that more I am a take me as I am person to the people in my life. When I am being complacent (like now on my 4th) I get more insecure and plleasing to others...But today I can usually recognize it which is also a huge gift. Or I can come here and get whacked or get a whack from my sponsor!!!
The strong my program is, that more I am a take me as I am person to the people in my life. When I am being complacent (like now on my 4th) I get more insecure and plleasing to others...But today I can usually recognize it which is also a huge gift. Or I can come here and get whacked or get a whack from my sponsor!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: anytown usa
Posts: 24
Paulie, You hit the nail on the head with the statement that it was a gift that you can recognize your feelings. I've picked up some books on ACOA's and read the AA book. and was surprised at how I was able to pick up on certain things that would trigger my impulsive reactions. I'm starting to work the steps. Fascinating process. I'm feeling like my hibernation is coming to an end. Step 5 making amends is what is going to take me some time to work out. Did anybody else have a hard time with that one? I'd be very interested to know. daffy
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Daffy,
Much of the harm I did was to myself so I had to learn to let that go. I did what I knew how to do at the time and when I knew better I did better.
The other huge thing for me was the harm I had caused my family. A simple "I am sorry" could not begin to make up my behavior. So I began to make ammends by changing my behavior.
For me as a codie it is not like I was stealing to get my DOC...but I was stealing serenity from those closest to me. You cannot pay that kind of theft back overnight. It takes time.
Hugs,
JT
Much of the harm I did was to myself so I had to learn to let that go. I did what I knew how to do at the time and when I knew better I did better.
The other huge thing for me was the harm I had caused my family. A simple "I am sorry" could not begin to make up my behavior. So I began to make ammends by changing my behavior.
For me as a codie it is not like I was stealing to get my DOC...but I was stealing serenity from those closest to me. You cannot pay that kind of theft back overnight. It takes time.
Hugs,
JT
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