spiritedgrl123

Today for some reason I got to thinking about EXABF and our relationship, how it started and ended. In the beginning I ran from him as soon as I found out he was an A, for fear. He pursued diligently, and fought to get me. He even told me at one point early on that I took all the fight out of him in the begining, and I believe that.

I was nasty to him at times, refused to talk about his program. Told him flat out that I didn't want myself surrounded by a bunch of drunks anymore and did not want to hear about what they "chanted" about in their group meetings. The topic was closed, and to my wishes he went to his meetings every week, and never once brought up the subject of AA or A.

I told him MANY times that he could do whatever he liked to me, walk away if you like-I'll live, but do not hurt my son.

I was controlling, mean, nasty, manipulative and downright cruel at times, never considering his real feelings (if he actually had any back then).

I made my amends to him the first round of the steps, and again apologized for the NASTY email I sent him back in April, but for some reason today I feel REALLY guilty. He did (I think/thought) have some really good qualities-of course maybe not, maybe they were all part of his manipulation and controlling me-who knows.

I know I did what I needed, made my amends and all. And I know and remember the things he did/said to me-though they pale in comparison to the lashing out I did on him that past 6mths. I just can't get over the feelings of guilt today....I wonder where they came from all of the sudden?

Thanks for letting me share
spirit

CatsPajamas

If you've made your amends to him, perhaps you might make some to yourself. I've had to forgive myself for some of the things I did way back when. It helps to know that I was doing the best I could at the time, and I make living amends by doing things differently today, treating the people in my life with respect, checking in with myself daily and when I am wrong, I promptly admit it.

There is a grief process to the end of any relationship, and I've learned there isn't a set time frame for it. I have had old memories and feelings come up from relationships that were over years ago.

Be gentle with yourself. Perhaps journaling would help?

GiveLove

Can you forgive yourself for not being a perfect spiritual paragon all your life, spirit? Can you ever forgive yourself for not being Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama, or Jesus?

We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time. There could be any number of reasons why you feel this way today, from hormonal shifts to a sad song you heard to that small, still voice saying "Maybe you need to journal about this today."

Can you forgive yourself?

We do. God does. How 'bout you?

ItsmeAlice

I agree. The last person I ever forgive for all-too-human mistakes is me.
Long after the resolution of even a small rift between a friend or family member I will still feel embarrassment, regret, and guilt. I couldn't get rid of them.

I'm working on self forgiveness finally and little by little those feelings are ebbing away.

cmc

I don't see how I could ever measure or compare my pain as it relates to what somebody else may be feeling. My own feelings vary a great deal and oftentimes not in proportion to the event. Even if a person shares how they feel, I will never really know how it is for them to live in their own skin.


When I experience negative thoughts and feelings about myself, it helps me to take my name out of the situation and fill in the blank space with any other person's name. Then, when I look at it as an outsider, I find that I'm much more generous, forgiving and realistic.

The other good thing to remember is that once I realize that I can change and that I have changed- that is something to guard & be proud of. This helps me to silence any other 'voice' that says different. I can go forward knowing that although there's always room for improvement; I need to remember that nothing can rob me of the growth I have today, if I don't allow it to.