Mambo Queen

So today STBXAH tells me that he's sick of living this way, he knows he needs more help than even AA, he thinks he needs to enter a rehab facility. He's still on my insurance, so I told him I would help him find a rehab, and that even if our insurance doesn't have one that is covered, I will pay ( I know there's one in state that charges 5k). But I told him if he goes to the 5k one, I would need to then give him less in the upcoming divorce to help cover the costs. I also told him about Oxford house sober living and said that I thought he should really consider moving there after the rehab if he was serious about gettting sober. I also said that I was leery about giving him help with this, that I didn't want him to think that it in any way changed our relationship, but that it would at least give him a chance at rebuilding his own life and his relationship with our dd. He agreed. I gave him the #on the back of our insurance card to call, which he did, and they took all of his info and told him they'd call him back in a day or two with some options. All of this sounded pretty good at this point, and I was feeling some relief that he was maybe waking up to the problem and wanting to deal with it for himself.

So of course he then goes and ruins my good feelings by asking me to have "phone sex" with him and hanging up on me when I told him that I didn't want to, and didn't envision ever having sex with him agan.

He has a sister that is still somewhat supportive of him, but hates me, thanks to his persuasive quacking. Should I tell her what's going on and enlist her help in getting this rehab thing to happen. Honestly, I'll have a tough time living with myself if I feel like he was reaching out for help and I didn't try to help him. Other than the creepy phone sex request, he didn't say or do anything out of line in our conversation, just talked about how he was sick of living this way and understood we were over but wanted to seek help for himself and for his daughter. And I do agree with him that a 30-day rehab would probably be better for him now than just trying to do it on his own and with AA. Plus, there's still this window where he's on my insurance, which won't be the case once the divorce goes through. I feel like I want to help make this happen, but I don't want it "all on me". I need help with it. And I don't want to backslide in my own recovery by taking on too much myself--but I've always felt and maintained that I wouldn't feel right refusing him help in seeking sobriety. He knows he's a major alcoholic, he knows he needs help. I guess I would just appreciate some feedback on this particular situation, and what is the best way to go about treading that line between being supportive and doing too much.

isurvived

Well, like the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."

You've already helped him with your suggestions. Aside from that, what else is there you feel responsible to do? I'd say the ball is in his court, and if he wants to get well, he'll find help if he has to go to the ends of the earth to get it. BTW, I think there are many avenues for them to get help that are free. So don't beat yourself up if he opts not to go into rehab while still on your insurance... that doesn't mean help is unavailable for him. You offered your financial support, and I think that is where you should draw the line.

Why is it we feel so responsible for these people — when we didn't cause their problem, couldn't stop it, and can't fix it?!

Freedom1990

I agree. Salvation Army offers free rehab.

I often wonder how people ever stayed sober before rehabs were around from the way some addicts/alcoholics carry on.

AA has worked for me for the last 18+ years, and I've been to hell and back several times without drinking.

cassandra2

The way I see it...is if an addict/alcoholic came to you wanting help.....that's all he would want......any kind of "I want to get help, cant live like this, need to change" followed up with anything OTHER THEN "I will do whatever it takes to get better" is manipulation.....He asked you for help and then followed it up with a request for phone sex.....That is manipulation......Plain and simple......Someone who truly is desperate for help wants NOTHING but the help.......JMHO

Barbara52

It seems to me you have done all you can reasonably be expected to do: You've told you will pay, you have told how to get it set up, etc. THe next steps shoudl be up to him. If he is serious, he will find rehab. Whether your insurnace covers it or not.

As for contacting the sister, you seem to be saying you would do that to get support of some sort for yourself. Is that likely to happen from someone you say doesn't like you? Wouldn't it be more helpful to get your support from people who care about you?

laurie6781

I would suggest you take a look at WHY you want to do this.

Is it to put some 'balm' on your perceived 'guilt' for finally saying NO MORE? If it is that to a degree then if I were you I would rescind my offer. This man has bled you for a long time now, and there are some REALLY GOOD FREE rehabs out there, if he is so inclined.

Is it because this time you want to believe him? Well ............................. he's suckered you with words before.

How about, standing back, and WATCHING. Not contacting, just WATCHING and see what he does to 'find a rehab' etc

Sweetie you need not have any guilt in this at all! This man has done what we A's do ................................. used you to the max.

If he were a stranger, babbling about rehab, would you offer?

I know I am trying to show the 'altruistic' side, but please please check your motives. In the long run by doing that first you will save yourself some pain and heart ache.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

atalose

[QUOTE] I feel like I want to help make this happen, but I don't want it "all on me". QUOTE]

It sounds like you are still trying to "control" him and his addiction.

You have done what you can by providing him with the phone # now it's in his hands and his hands only.

MeHandle

You said: "He knows he's a major alcoholic, he knows he needs help."

The request for phone sex did not X out all that was spoken before.

He already called and they will be calling back with options.

He will call you when he wants to inform you of his actions and/or talk about the insurance.

If he talks to you as if the refusal for phone sex 'changed things' I would call that quacking, blaming, denial, not serious yet ..... you got anything else i didn't get???

Let him be is my thought.

Mambo Queen

Just curious, what are the free rehabs that exist? I am trying to "keep my hands off the addict" as of now--he says the insurance will call back today, and his sister has agreed to drive him there if they have a bed for him somewhere. If they don't though (and they might not--they are very limited in the places they cover) I would at least like to give his sister the info about potential free rehabs that exist. Maybe that too is being too involved, but it's what feels right to me for now.

Barbara52

Salvation Army is the one I hear of all the time. As Freedom1990 mentioned above.

faith2overcome

In PA, there are county offices that assist with rehab treatment. Depending on circumstances and their evaluation of the A, they might pay for inpatient in full or might send to IOP. I am not sure if other places have similar programs. Where I am, you can go right to the hospital ER and say you're there for "crisis intervention" (which is the link to the free rehab).

laurie6781

He can check with your State's Health Department.

The Salvation Army is an excellent program and Free. The Health Department will be able to assist him in finding "No Cost", "Low Cost", and/or "Sliding Fee Scale Cost" rehabs for him to persue.

You need not be a part of it at all as it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990

I've got to be honest and say when I first read the amount of money you were willing to shell out, Mambo Queen, I winced because I have a hard time making groceries last through the month in this household.

I am so determined to get my degree and be in a better financial position. I wouldn't put out that kind of money for anyone, including my own AD, even if I had it!

She knows where the help is. She is not interested in helping herself at all, and she has that right.

Ago

I've heard it said that AA isn't for people who need it, it's for people who want it.

I've also heard it said that rehabs are for people that need it, but don't really want it.

Like they are looking for some "silver bullet" to sobriety.

No offense to people that have gone through rehabs, but my observation is that that is quite frequently true.

If he has made the decision to get sober, he will get sober regardless of the $$$ you shell out.

Period.

AA has these things called "traditions", one of them is each meeting is self supporting, declining outside contributions.

That is for many reasons, but one is the alcoholic NEEDS to do this for themself or it just doesn't work.

Do what you need to do and what you feel is right, just keep in mind that his sobriety doesn't hinge on your help in the slightest in my opinion, if he is serious about his sobriety, nothing will keep him from getting sober on his own. If he's not serious about it, he won't stay sober no matter how much money you spend.

There are sober living environments as well that run about 900 dollars a month for room and board that you are expected to go to work every day. They are excellent environments to get sober in.

You paying is not the only option. As a matter of fact, I don't even think it's a very good option. Do you think continuing to "co" him and protect him from his consequences is really wise at the end of the day? Because that's all this is.

You may take note that every single sober "double winner" with time and recovery under their belt has stated the same thing. That right there would get my attention.

Sobriety seems to "stick" better when the alcoholic takes responsibility for his own sobriety. Just my .02

Mambo Queen

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I think I'm starting to see how even my "helping" right now is not really helping. As far as the $ goes, we are in the process of divorcing now, and he stands to get about $15k in the division of our assets (unfair, because it's really MY money, but it was acquired throughout the course of our marriage and my lawyer thinks that's about what I'll end up having to give him). So the money I was referring to would come out of the money I will be giving him any way. Without going into specifics, I won on a game show, and many times truly feel that that came my way so I could get out of this marriage without burdening myself too much financially--because now I can give him his share of the house equity without actually selling the house, thanks to those winnings. My HP really had my back on that one, I feel.

LaTeeDa

I'll say it again. If I keep saying it, maybe one day you will 'hear' it.

The longer you continue to treat him as incompetent and helpless, the longer he will remain incompetent and helpless.

L

Kimmieh

For some reason one day my ABF got tired of his situation one day. He would have been homeless if I had not taken him in, he realized that I was at the end of my rope, he didn't have a job, and no money. He asked me what he should do (because he knows I post and read here and wanted my opinion based on that). I told him that he needed to go into in-patient rehab. He had been to a treatment center close to us for crisis intervention a month or two prior and he knew that the treatment center takes everyone regardless of money.

After I told him that I think he needed to go to rehab, he said that he is tired of not knowing how he got home and that he is tired of being an alcoholic. He then went to look for the number and called them right away. He answered all their questions honestly (I was in the room). When they didn't call back within a few days as they had said they would, he called again. I didn't do a thing and now he is in treatment and seems very committed. I have not talked to him in a week, but for now, I am happy that he made the decision AND did what he needed to do himself.

I wouldn't have thought that this would happen and it seems like at the time when I decided to stop being helpful, he started helping himself. Good Luck!