Need help and support fast!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Need help and support fast!!!!!!!!
As many of you know and have supported me through my 20yo AS son has just gotten home from 3 months of rehab. All seemed to be going fine until last night when we thought he seemed "off" we didn't drug test him then although we should have. Today my husband told him we were going to test him he said he didn't have to use the bathroom so he was told he had to stay downstairs until he could take the test. We found his laptop was gone and asked him about it he then admitted he had sold it to buy drugs yesterday. we told him he had to leave which he did and didn't take anything with him, he was crying. i just got a text saying he wants to kill himself and although i think this is a play to come home how can you be sure once again i feel like i have signed his death warrent. i have asked for prayers many times before and i am asking again!!!!!!!!!!!
I want him to know that when he is truely ready to get help I am here for him but how do i say that without making him thing that all is ok and he can just come back and repeat this cycle???????????
I want him to know that when he is truely ready to get help I am here for him but how do i say that without making him thing that all is ok and he can just come back and repeat this cycle???????????
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Join Date: May 2008
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Dorton -
I'm so sorry he's relapsing. I know that when my Ah pulled this with me, upon the advice of everyone here I calmly told him when he called "if he was feeling suicidal, call 911." I said that I couldn't help him anymore than I already have. Later when he got out of rehab he said he would have not killed himself. He said he was too selfish for that. I hope this in some way helps. This is for sure a manipulative play that many addicts pull as I've seen it on SR many times.
Hugs to you. I know what it feels like to have to deal with this.
I'm so sorry he's relapsing. I know that when my Ah pulled this with me, upon the advice of everyone here I calmly told him when he called "if he was feeling suicidal, call 911." I said that I couldn't help him anymore than I already have. Later when he got out of rehab he said he would have not killed himself. He said he was too selfish for that. I hope this in some way helps. This is for sure a manipulative play that many addicts pull as I've seen it on SR many times.
Hugs to you. I know what it feels like to have to deal with this.
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((Dorton))
My first reaction, as an RA, is he's upset with himself. He's using, and he got caught. He knows he's not welcome at your house when he's using and, to be honest, when the **** hit the fan when I was using, the first thing I thought was "I wish I was dead". I didn't mean it, though.
I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers, sweetie. You aren't signing his death warrant. He is a big boy and he's making bad choices..YOU have nothing to do with that. He learned the tools of recovery in rehab, but is choosing not to use them.
I hope you can stick to your boundaries, and let him find out, for himself, that the using life isn't all he thinks it is.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My first reaction, as an RA, is he's upset with himself. He's using, and he got caught. He knows he's not welcome at your house when he's using and, to be honest, when the **** hit the fan when I was using, the first thing I thought was "I wish I was dead". I didn't mean it, though.
I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers, sweetie. You aren't signing his death warrant. He is a big boy and he's making bad choices..YOU have nothing to do with that. He learned the tools of recovery in rehab, but is choosing not to use them.
I hope you can stick to your boundaries, and let him find out, for himself, that the using life isn't all he thinks it is.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Hi dorton, I haven't dealt with my son saying he would like to kill himself through any of his dealings but I think at this point I would want to know where he was if that happened. Calling 911 and reporting what he is feeling is a good way to get him some help. On another note, I have made it quite clear to my son that if drugs are involved in his life ~~we will not be. My heart is with you today with hopes that you find somehow to find an end to the heartbreak soon. Hugs hon, Bonnie
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Hugs dorton,
If he wanted to kill himself, coming home is not going to change that. He is playing you, he needs to hit a bottom and he is not hitting it at your home. I am so sorry I can only imagine right now where your at, but I know one day I maybe asking the same questions. Praying for you and your family. Julie
If he wanted to kill himself, coming home is not going to change that. He is playing you, he needs to hit a bottom and he is not hitting it at your home. I am so sorry I can only imagine right now where your at, but I know one day I maybe asking the same questions. Praying for you and your family. Julie
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Join Date: May 2008
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I'll also add that if he IS suicidal, calling 911 is a step in the right direction. They can admit him to the ER for a mandatory psych evaluation (they'll hold him for 3 days for an evaluation in my state.). It doesn't matter whether you take him or the police do. 3 days locked down is better than 3 days using on the streets. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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A suicide threat should never be ignored. A three day psychiatric hold will give him plenty of time to think about his situation. It might be just the consequence that he needs.
My daughter has also said she was suicidal when caught doing things she shouldn't. She used to always bolt when caught doing something, things as simple as driving the car too far or having a boy friend in my house when I wasn't home. After she was gone a few hours or longer, she would call crying wanting to come home. If I was firm on the rules, her tantrum would then lead to telling me she was suicidal. She wasn't. In her case, it was pure manipulative behavior.
Take the threat seriously and let mental health professionals evaluate him. Then you will know if there are mental health issues or if he is being manipulative.
My daughter has also said she was suicidal when caught doing things she shouldn't. She used to always bolt when caught doing something, things as simple as driving the car too far or having a boy friend in my house when I wasn't home. After she was gone a few hours or longer, she would call crying wanting to come home. If I was firm on the rules, her tantrum would then lead to telling me she was suicidal. She wasn't. In her case, it was pure manipulative behavior.
Take the threat seriously and let mental health professionals evaluate him. Then you will know if there are mental health issues or if he is being manipulative.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Dorton,
I dont have anything to add that hasnt been said before me here. Im a recovering A too. Its a ploy, tactic, etc. But you did ask for prayers and I can add you into my prayers tonight for you and your son. I hope you found some peace tonight.
Hugs.
I dont have anything to add that hasnt been said before me here. Im a recovering A too. Its a ploy, tactic, etc. But you did ask for prayers and I can add you into my prayers tonight for you and your son. I hope you found some peace tonight.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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My son has used the suicide thing many times with me when i didnt "behave" the way that he wanted me to - he knew that would throw me into a panic state because it was playing off of my worst fears. So i started a huge boundary that if he even remotely mentioned suicide I called 911 and he went to the hospital. Three times we went through that before he finally stopped it. Once he realized that those words were taken seriously then he stopped using them. Each time he spent about 5 days in a mental hospital until he was stabalized.
I have spoken with doctors about this many times and they emphatically state that any threat of suicide should be taken seriously even if you truly feel its manipulation. Sometimes in their manipulation they will go through with it so if you have the opportunity i would try to get him to a professional or have someone pick him up through 911.
To reassure you a little though, he now admits to me that he never intended to commit suicide he was just saying that to try to get me to allow him to do what he wanted and that when he was high he would say and do anything to get to me. I even saw an email that he wrote to another kid he met in the hospital about this. She was wanting to sneak out of the house and he advised her that if she got in trouble to just claim suicide and she would get out of trouble.
I have spoken with doctors about this many times and they emphatically state that any threat of suicide should be taken seriously even if you truly feel its manipulation. Sometimes in their manipulation they will go through with it so if you have the opportunity i would try to get him to a professional or have someone pick him up through 911.
To reassure you a little though, he now admits to me that he never intended to commit suicide he was just saying that to try to get me to allow him to do what he wanted and that when he was high he would say and do anything to get to me. I even saw an email that he wrote to another kid he met in the hospital about this. She was wanting to sneak out of the house and he advised her that if she got in trouble to just claim suicide and she would get out of trouble.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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I'm so sorry he is using again. Unfortunately, that is often the nature of the disease.
I would call 911 whether or not you thought it was manipulation - it will let him know you aren't fooling around and take drug addiction very seriously. With my ASs, the suicide card was tried often. And as was said many times here, now that they are clean and sober they said it was just another in a long list of manipulations.
I have called the police when my ASs left in a car when they had been drinking. I have also declared one "incorrigible" so he would have a probation officer telling him what he had to do instead of his mother (daily meetings, random drug screens, being respectful, going to school, etc).
This is a killer disease - and I learned from Alanon how to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. My mother love just about killed them - I was a huge enabler.
Prayers coming your way - there is always hope for recovery - yours and his.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I would call 911 whether or not you thought it was manipulation - it will let him know you aren't fooling around and take drug addiction very seriously. With my ASs, the suicide card was tried often. And as was said many times here, now that they are clean and sober they said it was just another in a long list of manipulations.
I have called the police when my ASs left in a car when they had been drinking. I have also declared one "incorrigible" so he would have a probation officer telling him what he had to do instead of his mother (daily meetings, random drug screens, being respectful, going to school, etc).
This is a killer disease - and I learned from Alanon how to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. My mother love just about killed them - I was a huge enabler.
Prayers coming your way - there is always hope for recovery - yours and his.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
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Originally Posted by dorton 
I want him to know that when he is truly ready to get help I am here for him but how do i say that without making him thing that all is ok and he can just come back and repeat this cycle???????????
The hard truth is that our children may die. I remember the day I felt this amazing touch, a soft brush across my shoulder, and heard this voice saying; "all you need to do is love her, nothing more". It was as though I had been shaken, awakened from a deep deep sleep. There was no one else in the room with me.
The challenge for me was to stop judging and looking at the addiction, and start connecting with her on a deep level of love. My final goal wasn't any longer to get her to hear me, it was simply to open up a space within myself where only love existed. Nothing more. No more judging and trying to control her, no more trying to save her life, no more trying to get her to do something else. Just simply loving her.
I gotta tell you, some days I look back at that and see how her addiction was a mutual experience, there was a gift in it for both her and I. There was certainly no accident that she was a heroin addict, that was in fact her path to walk, and I hold compassion for those who have a path in life to walk that is so unbelievably pitiful. I feel blessed today that I have had moments with her where I "loved" her. Moments where I no longer saw the addiction, and I connected with that innocent spirit. She may die, I may die, and today I can say that because of her addiction, I became a more loving human being, a more compassionate human being.
I will never look at an addict through the same lens I once had. I always remember that it could be me, it could be me that is sitting there nodding off with spit running out of there mouth, just so that another human being might learn to become more loving and compassionate in their life.
The program says, nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by accident. Much love and light to you!~Cheryl
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Dorton, I'm so sorry to hear he has relapsed. As the others have suggested, call 911. If he is doing it as manipulation, he'll soon get the message that it no longer works. Yep, many times my AD has used the same tactic, until I stopped reacting to it.
Hugs,
Chris
Hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by dorton
I want him to know that when he is truely ready to get help I am here for him but how do i say that without making him thing that all is ok and he can just come back and repeat this cycle???????????
She's chosen not to get help, and that's okay with me. She's a big girl and is free to live her life as she sees fit.
I continue to live my life in recovery, doing what I need to do for me, and leave her in God's hands.
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Kwigers,
thank you so much for your post.
You have really hit home with this. Addiction is a mutual experience. And you are right. Everyone who has dealt with addiction, has had to experience the threat of suicide. We really cannot change this. But as you have said, it is important to cherish the moments we do have with our children, using or not, and acceptance of our addicts.
Dorton, I will pray for you and your son, 3 mos clean is something . It means at least he admits there is a problem. I agree, boundaries must be set and stuck to.
My heart goes out to you, as when mine threatened, it was the scariest thing i have EVER dealt with. But he is doing well now and hopefully this is just a set back and he will get back on track again.:praying
thank you so much for your post.
You have really hit home with this. Addiction is a mutual experience. And you are right. Everyone who has dealt with addiction, has had to experience the threat of suicide. We really cannot change this. But as you have said, it is important to cherish the moments we do have with our children, using or not, and acceptance of our addicts. Dorton, I will pray for you and your son, 3 mos clean is something . It means at least he admits there is a problem. I agree, boundaries must be set and stuck to.
My heart goes out to you, as when mine threatened, it was the scariest thing i have EVER dealt with. But he is doing well now and hopefully this is just a set back and he will get back on track again.:praying
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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My As tried that suicide threat also. It was terrible, I was scared, so I dialed 911. He was high, and wanted to take my car, I said no.
the police were wonderful and he was sent for an evaluation.
That was a situation that I could not handle on my own, and I am glad I did what I did. Hang in there, this is tough.
Hugs, Stef
the police were wonderful and he was sent for an evaluation.
That was a situation that I could not handle on my own, and I am glad I did what I did. Hang in there, this is tough.
Hugs, Stef
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Update--well he and husband texted back and forth and we decided to give AS the chance to come home and talk about what was going on. We had not done this when he came back from rehab, big mistake on our parts. We had thought that we would sit down with the counselor before leaving the rehab but for some reason the counselor wasn't there when we picked him up so that didn't happen. I told him that the only reason he was getting this chance was because we had not sat down and went over the contract we had written while he was in rehab. Basically I was not very nice to him I told him straight out that if he does not follow the rules he will have to leave our home and I will not have contact with him until he has DONE something to get and stay clean. I told him that althoug I can never be done with him as my son I will always love him more than life itself I am done with his crap. I will not live my life in that way ever again it is not fair to me, his dad, brother or anyone in our family. I just will not do it he has his choice and I have mine and my choice is to not live that way. Long story short he is home with a list of chores that will keep him busy for a long time )he isn't allowed to drive until he passes a drug test) When I got home from work he was working. Sorry this is so long but please continue to pray for our family as we find our way down this path from hell.
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