Jayne2

I did it again.

Exactly one month after the last time. Like always. Big binge.

Fully conscious of the decision.

Am I that selfish? Am I that thoughtless?

My last drink was Thursday and I still feel like crap.

I hate myself right now.

I don't deserve anyone who cares about me. My marriage is in shambles. My family is terrified. I am systematically destroying my life with this behavior.

And I did this to myself. Plain and simple.

So where the h*ll is my bottom? Because I think I'm going to die trying to find it. I was so sick, drinking mouthwash in the end, not eating, chain smoking. FOR FIVE DAYS. Shouldn't that be it? Shouldn't all the other times be it? The ER visits? The risks? The potential loss of all that is important?

Do I just really not care enough about myself to do this? Or the consequences?

I just hate myself right now. Hate. I know so many of you can relate to that.

Had to come here and be honest. Day 3.

Jayne

michelle01

That was my cycle for awhile, and it frustrated me. One month and I would feel like I wanted to 'celebrate'. Because one month was a great deal to me. I think that in the end though I just got tired of it and the let down feelings afterwards. Know that feeling. Good luck this time.

Hevyn

Hi Jayne. My bottom wasn't homelessness or a divorce, but being afraid to fall asleep for fear I wouldn't wake up. One day I was doing ok moderating, the next day I was buying 100 proof vodka, and even that wasn't doing the job anymore. Feeling close to death is a good motivator, but I don't recommend you go there....

You came back here because you still have hope, and in your heart you know you can beat this thing. Don't give up on yourself, and certainly don't hate yourself for having a disease. Try again, Jayne.

Aysha

Well..I think first of all you shpouldnt be searching for your bottom.
You may never find it. And very well might die doing it.
Noone need hit bottom to stop poisoning yourself.
I myself dont have a bottom. Maybe if I lost my family. I think that would definately be my bottom.
But I dont ever want to go there. That would be the end of me for sure.
Do you really want to stop? What are you willing to do to stop drinking?
Is the pain outweighing the pleasure?
Dont hate yourself. Thats not goin to do anything but keep you stuck in the cycle of destruction. You cant get better if you dont care about yourself.
It is possible to stop.
But you have to be willing to go to any measure to do so. There is so much support and help out there.
But you have to be willing to commit and do the work.
I wish you luck and hope you stick around.

Mary52

I believe my bottom this last time was being in jail. So much despair and agony....plus I was close to losing my family. Thank God they stayed. Welcome back. When you get to 30 days again, I suggest going to lots of meetings and staying close to your sponsor and other recovering, sober people. You CAN do it!!!!! Congrats on 3 days!

firestorm090

Hi Jayne,

I've never hit bottom either, but I've dug a very deep hole. The problem for me is that I didn't have much left to lose when I decided to try and find some help with this problem. I am presently struggling like you are, but I feel a little better because I didn't drink today. I wanted to drink, had thoughts of drinking, but I came here, went to a meeting at noon and tried to keep my mind off the drink as much as possible. I know how you feel. I hope you can find some help through AA or another program, because drinking is just not worth hitting bottom over. I'm trying to stop digging, just like you, so keep trying, don't give up, just try to ask for help, eventually the answers will come to you.

serenityqueen

I agree with Chiy, it's not about finding a bottom, it's about when the pain becomes great enough.

For me, it took a lot. My son didn't want to live with me anymore, he couldn't sit by and watch me slowly killing myself. It took 5 years after he moved in with his Dad. I destroyed 2 marriages, lost more jobs than I can begin to count, I stole money, pills, from anyone within reach, my family was just about done with me, I couldn't look in the mirror without being so ashamed of what I saw. I was beyond disgusted with myself.

Are you going to Meetings? I honestly don't think anyone can truly find peace, serenity and Recovery without the fellowship of others who have been there, done that and want to share their experience, strength and hope. In AA/NA, I found out that I am not a horrible piece of sh*t, I have a disease, a disease that millions of others suffer from. . . a disease that can be put in to remission so to speak.

Don't give up. I had many, many what others call false starts. But I learned something from each one of these times that I went back out. I remembered what lead up to me picking up again and keep those warning signs in the front of my mind. . . just in case I would ever begin to see these signs again I know what happened in the past.

Hang in there, Just take things One Day at A Time and stop beating yourself up. That doesn't do anything but make you feel worse. Trust me, I know.

God Bless,
Judy

michelle01

As they say, some people hit 'bottom' and just keep digging... I tried going this alone for a long time, and it never worked. Identify your vulnerable points, and try to have some support system in place around those times.

least

I too tried and failed so many times. I began to think I was hopeless. But just like you, I was questioning myself and my behavior. And I kept trying. And I finally stayed sober. Then, after over six months, I drank for one damn day. Felt like sh!t for several days and tried again. And now I'm going on three months. It CAN be done. Don't give up. The key for me now is that I want to be sober more than I want to drink. And I'm staying sober.

Don't give up. And don't hate yourself, Hate the alcohol.

yeahgr8

7 months ago i would have swore blind i had hit my bottom and was not going to drink again! It has become very obvious to me that my 'bottom' is still far away, I am convinced i could really get down there this year and start drinking 24/7 with little effort, meaning that it would not be an option just to stop for a few days and feel better but start having to be detoxed.

As you may know i am going into rehab on Sunday for a month, i'm going because i am desperate and i can honestly see real trouble round the corner. I can't face, and am refusing to try alone, doing another winging it period of sobriety for a few months only to come crashing back down worse than ever. Please get yourself the help you need:-)

Bamboozle

Please cut yourself some slack. Easier said than done, believe me, I know.

Want to know what helps me? I ask myself if I would say these things to another human being. Guess what? I wouldn't do that. These things are negative...hurtful...so why is it okay for me to be hurtful to myself? If I came across someone else who was hurting this much, I'd give him/her a hug.

Hating myself makes it easier for me to drink again. The more I hurt the more reason I have to escape. I think I'm finally understanding this connection within me. I have to love myself.



Jayne, please find some face to face support, be it a group or therapy. I don’t know if you are already doing that, but I do know it is so hard to go it alone. SR is great, but the human element in person is so important.


When I'm really struggling, I come to SR. I stay for hours on end at times just so I can make it through sober. I stay until I'm ready to fall asleep or I feel better. Use this place, Jayne. Use SR a ton. It's okay.

It's so hard in the beginning. I find myself wanting to give up every single day. I find it hard to believe that things will get better, but I look at some of the people here. There are success stories. These people have given me hope.


Sorry this is so long. I hope you can be easier on yourself.

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for healing and peace.
Mega

Have you considered an addiction counselor?

Tazman53

Jayne, do you want to find your bottom?

Well everyone has a bottom and they get to choose it!

Ones bottom is when they are willing to do what ever it takes to stop drinking and STAY stopped.

I can tell you that when I hit my bottom I was absolutely without a doubt in my mind ready to do anything anyone who knew how to get and stay sober suggested.

What have you been doing so far to stay sober when you have quit before?

What ever you have been doing to stay sober before add to it, do something you have not been willing to do before to stay sober, if you have found your bottom you will do it!

Have you tried any long term sobriety programs like AA, SMART, WFS, etc.?

AA is what worked for me. Did I want to do AA when I came out of detox? NO!!!! But I knew I was going to die if I kept on drinking! So I followed the suggestion they gave me in detox and I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor.

Before the end of that 90 days I was very glad that I had done as they suggested in detox. I was sober, I had made some great sober friends in AA and was learning 2 very important things:

1. I was learning how to stay sober one day at a time.
2. I was learning how to live life on lifes terms sober and happy most off the time.

Jayne you get to choose your bottom, you do not have to go to jail, you do not have to loose your marriage, you do not have to live on the streets, you do not have to loose every person you care about in the world to find your bottom......... unless you decide to do so.

Jayne have you drank enough? Are you now willing to do what ever it takes to STAY sober?

I can tell you that I and hundreds of thousands of others have found a solution to our alcholism, you never have to drink again unless you choose to. There are rooms full of people just like you with one exception, they have found a solution to thier alcoholism, they are sober & they would love nothing more then to share with you the solution they have found.

Jayne congrats on your 3 days sober, congrats one staying sober a month before you relapsed.

Mark75

Are feeling any better today Jayne?

This disease is unbelievably strong, you can't do this alone. Keep posting, get into some kind of face to face support. Have you been to AA?

Hang in there, it sucks, but it's not as bad as it seems. You are an alcoholic trying to get better... it's never pretty. We have all been where you are, one way or another.

Thinking of you.

Mark

Mark75

Someone in my AA home group said... It's an elevator down to the bottom, you choose the floor you get off on. It takes the steps to get back up... I assume that it's only 12

Mark

marty888

Mark, I heard the exact thing at a meeting last night, we live in a high rise and we can choose which floor we get off at. Everyone has there own bottom to hit. As Taz said its when you truly decide you want to stay stopped.

gravity

I read a bit of wisdom the other day:

We only take action when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

9:00 AM, December 16, 2007: After yet another lengthy bender the fear, demoralization, and self hatred had become unbearable. I called the AA hotline, got a sponsor, started the steps, and began attending meetings. I did not want to do it but I really had no choice but to get help. I couldn't think myself into sobriety.

Recovery is tough. I had to swallow my pride and admit that, on my own, I am powerless over alcohol. Also, I don't like the stigma normal people have of AA and alcoholics. I don't want others to know that I need help. But you know? I just couldn't continue living the way I was. The pain.

Do what you gotta do.

Toomutch

My bottom came the last time I made a complete a$$hole of myself and put other lives in danger. All I have to do is think of that dreadful night. That night combined with SR and God are what keeps me sober.
I hope you find your bottom befor it's too late; You need to have a plan and a support system. :praying

Helene

Hi Jayne,

I haven't been on a while, what with moving and the new job. I am sorry to hear that you had a bender again, but as someone else said "cut yourself some slack". I also fell off the wagon what with moving, so I am starting again today. Day one....again.

I am thinking of you, and your family.
All my love and positive thoughts
Helene

Believe808

I don't believe that one needs to hit their "bottom". If you are looking for it, well it might just find you!! I am not gonna take that chance of going out again and seeing if I can make it back. I knew I had enough when the pain of being alive and in the state I was in was too much for me. Good Luck