Bard

I don't know where to go. If I try to talk to my family they would just say well take it easy. While my Sister would probably just sit there with a blank stare on her face and then ask me to take her down to the store. But God, I'm so sick of feeling like constant s**t all the time! The last 3 days I wake up I'm anxious one moment depressed the next, only a few fleeting moments do I feel normal in a day. And also the last few days my stomach has been in knots. Not so much like it hurts but just uncomfortable. Then I finally got around to calling that number my cousin gave me about the free mental health care where you can go in a talk to a shrink but apparently there's a twist and what they do is if you're suicidal or homicidal they call the police to have them come pick you up and from there they evaluate you and decide if you qualify for their free program. Well f**k the last thing I want to do is have the cops come and pick me up at my house with all my neighbors watching. And I sure as hell don't feel that damn far gone yet. That's another thing that's been gnawing at me is that I'm still unemployed and with that no damn insurance to go see a doctor and I don't have the money to pull out of my ass to see one.

Look I know that this will all lift eventually, the sun will shine again and all that. I know drinking will only be a temporary boost followed by a even bigger let down then what I have now. But man, ONE!!! damn relapse after 4 months and I feel like I'm going through the very early stages of recovery again. At the start of April I was feeling so much more better but then one slip later I'm right back in the emotional hell hole again.

If anything let this be a lesson to some of you who have a little time under your belt, feeling better and hear that voice going off in your head again. Even one "harmless" little night of drinking will be enough to kick your butt and make you go through all the hoops again!

ANGELINA243

Thank you for posting. And yes, drinking (even for one night) after being sober for awhile can and often does bring you back to where you were before--if not at a lower level. That's what happened to me. I'm starting over again--and some things I learned in recovery--even before--seem foreign to me. I fell hard this last time. Yes--the disease does progress..even while we aren't actively drinking.

mamabin

Oh how I hated those first two weekends. I cried but I made it through somehow. I'm sorry you feel so bad. And I know that you know you'll feel better. Think about how you used to feel in the morning.

Kablume

Thanks for sharing. I keep thinking I can just have one. Crazy, I know. I had 4 yrs. sobriety and then went back out for 9 yrs. I just got back so I feel

kinda weak still. I'm glad you didn't drink. Maybe with this board, we both won't. Thanks.

I hope you start to feeling better soon.

least

I understand you very well. I had over six months and drank for one damn day and felt like sh!t for several days. Now I'm on day 79 and feeling much stronger in my recovery. YOu'll get there. You'll start feeling better, physically and mentally, it just takes time. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time if you have to. And be good to yourself!

Believe808

I know it feels like hell but it will get better, you have to believe. I had 15 yrs and went back out, sheer torture getting back in. I wasn't so lucky to have drank only 1 day it took 5 years to get back. Hang in there.

Tazman53

Bard you know when I first got sober 2 1/2 years ago I felt the same way with one very important exception, when I was in a meeting every single person there knew how I felt, some of them I was able to help because I had a few more days sober then them, many helped me because they had been sober longer then me, but we all have a common bond. our alcoholism and our sobriety.

Here it is 2 1/2 years later and you know when I want to talk to some one who can relate to me I go to a meeting, I pick up the phone and call some one in the fellowship, or I come here. I find a far better connection face to face or on the phone, but I get help here as well.

Bard I want to thank you & Angelina for what you both shared, you have helped me to keep those crazy thoughts away that a drink can't hurt anything, I know it can hurt me, your shares simply re-enforce what I already know.

jules67

I agree with tazman, thank you for you honesty bard. when I have thoughts of having a drink and I come on SR I am so grateful to have the chance to step back and listen to others.

I am sorry that you are going through this all. But for me , I know that all of this recovery stuff is way better than drinking everyday.

take care

jules67

Anna

Bard, that's the thing about this disease - it's relentless. It will never give up looking for a vulnerable moment.

Be proud of yourself and the sober time you've put together.