Justifying
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Justifying
I am so tired of hearing things like "I cooked you a good dinner didn't I?" and "I gave you money for milk", or "I mowed the lawn" things like that right before he says he is going to "Go have a beer"! All he is doing is trying to justify in his OWN brain that he has taken care of his Busness at home so he can feel better about going off to drink! I don't say "I did your laundry didn't I" ,"I Ironed your clothes", "I cleaned up the Kitchen after you cooked dinner"! Those are things that are expected of us! The things we do out of courtisy to the ones you live with! Every day! It just buggs the S*%# out of me!!! Anyone else have this problem? (or is that a stupis question!!! Ha! Ha! :banger
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi mamasmitty.
Beer = Bad is your equation, not his. If you will let go and resist commenting when he's going off to drink... you will not have to hear his rationale. As much as we love someone, we can't make decisions about how other adults conduct their lives. If you can't stand to live with it, you don't have to live with it. From the things you have posted, it sounds like your exhusband could have some serious health problems. Perhaps you could encourage him kindly to get to a doctor. Then leave the nagging to the doctor and claim at least that much peace for your home. All the reasoning you can do will not convince this man to quit drinking until he's ready himself.
Have you found an alanon group to attend?
Hugs,
Smoke
Beer = Bad is your equation, not his. If you will let go and resist commenting when he's going off to drink... you will not have to hear his rationale. As much as we love someone, we can't make decisions about how other adults conduct their lives. If you can't stand to live with it, you don't have to live with it. From the things you have posted, it sounds like your exhusband could have some serious health problems. Perhaps you could encourage him kindly to get to a doctor. Then leave the nagging to the doctor and claim at least that much peace for your home. All the reasoning you can do will not convince this man to quit drinking until he's ready himself.
Have you found an alanon group to attend?
Hugs,
Smoke
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Reply to Smoke
No! I don't know how I would get to an actual meeting without his knowledge. Not to mention that I don't have TIME to go! Thats why I am on here! I don't nag him at all! He just SAYS that! I can be just sitting there watching TV in the best of moods and we could be just sitting there talking, and as soon as he feels like he wants to go to the bar, (I know, because he silently slips out of the room and goes upstairs to "freshen up") then he comes downstairs and starts "justifying"! When he says (for example) "I cooked you a good dinner didn't I?" I always say, "Yes, it was really good" He just SAYS this out of the blue! I don't ever stop him from going! To tell the truth, it's a great break for ME! I get the house to myself! I am just tired of hearing it because I know he is just Justifying himself, and it is so undignified a thing for him to be doing to himself! But I don't nag him or argue with him at all! Sometimes I have thought that maybe I should because maybe by NOT nagging him, he feels like I don't care. Then the next morning he starts telling me about what all the "drunks' were doing there the night before,and how he is never going to go there again because they are all losers, and I listen, but I don't really care. It's the same story every day! 
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 19
Why don't you want him to know you went to meetings?
To me, that sends a very powerful message! "I don't have time to cook your dinner because I have to go to a meeting to deal with your drinking"
OH yes, I've said that MANY times !!!!
To me, that sends a very powerful message! "I don't have time to cook your dinner because I have to go to a meeting to deal with your drinking"
OH yes, I've said that MANY times !!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
My experience
has been we find the time for the things we find important in life.
If you would consider spending some time on and for you, perhaps you will have the chance to learn more about alcoholism and yourself! !
You will find and make the time if it's important enough to you.
If you would consider spending some time on and for you, perhaps you will have the chance to learn more about alcoholism and yourself! !
You will find and make the time if it's important enough to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Justifying is definitely something I've dealt with for years.
I understand what you're saying too about them feeling as if they have to point out everything they do, like a little child.."Mommy, look what I did today! Can I have a piece of candy???"
That's how it sounds to me most of the time, although I'm sure it comes out as "Hey hon, did you notice I mowed the grass and cleaned the pool for YOU and THE KIDS today??? Oh, by the way, I'm meeting so and so at the bar in an hour, to go over some club business but I won't be late". Won't be late is usually after I'm long in bed asleep.
I usually say.."Okay, whatever, see when you get home" and pretty much ignore the grass and pool part, mainly because he probably forgot that he told me he was entertaining his friends with a cook out/booze party the next evening, so I KNOW who all the yard work was really for.
I know I'm a blond but gimme a break!LOL (Just kidding about the blond thing, I am smart as hell!LOL)
Alcohol does seem to make people forget doesn't it? That has often times worked in my favor. I'm a great listener, when I want to be.
I understand the grouchy nasty thing too. Just last night I had to take my daughter shopping for school clothes and I hadn't even eaten all day, so she and I stopped in the mall and grabbed a nasty old hot dog, just so we could shop without our tummies growling all evening and I'm not even supposed to eat hot dogs and BOY am I paying for it today!LOL
We pulled up to the house about 8pm and as we were getting out of the truck, IN FRONT of his brother and his brother's wife, who had stopped by to borrow our van, he yells at me all POd "DID YOU BRING DINNER???? IF I CAME BACK FROM BEING OUT ALL EVENING, YOU'D EXPECT ME TO HAVE SOME DINNER FOR YOU!!!!"
First of all, that is the biggest load of you know what I ever heard. It was just another time that he was grouchy from not drinking all week and he had an audience to make a fool out of me in front of. He barely works a full day, usually getting home around 1 or 2pm. (Which he usually spends sleeping, storing up his energy for the next drinking spree) I on the other hand have a very demanding and stressful job, which barely leaves me time for lunch all day and I don't get home until most days nearly 5:30pm.
HE wanted me to go back to work full time last year because we supposedly needed the money and our agreement was that since he is home early, he picks the kids up from school and has dinner ready when I get home. I guess you know where that deal went right???LOL
I can't even remember the last time he had dinner ready when I got home. The kids usually either fend for themselves or he goes and get's them fast food at 4pm and I don't eat fast food so that's that. I forage when I get home or keep things in the house that I can eat. I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and cannot eat greasy, fatty foods or I end up in the emergency room 8 hours later. Stress is also another factor...I'm not supposed to have any! If my poor doctor only knew!LOL I'm also lactose intollerant. He however knows that he doesn't have to fix anything fancy but there has to be a green vegetable or mixed vegetables that I can eat.
Well, since he wasn't drinking last night because he couldn't, (he had to have surgery today on his hernia) I felt very JUSTIFIED myself to yell right back!
It was really funny! He just looked at me and gets all defensive..."What are you yelling at ME for???"
I looked at him as if he had three heads and said.."UM...YOU started this REMEMBER? All I did was get out of the truck!"
Then, he told our son "Let's go to McDonald's!" and out the door they went.
You see, to me it's all just so hilarious. It's really sad but I laugh now instead of crying and falling apart and getting angry. I only yelled back at him because he yelled at me like that in front of the kids and I don't want my daughter thinking a man can just yell at you and you fold up like a withered flower and I don't want my son to think he can ever treat a woman like that.
Well, he shut his trap and ate his food and that was that! HA!
Poor guy. He can't get around too well right now because of his operation. I guess if he needs to go to the bar, he'll have to call one of his buddies to come and get him but I don't even think he is thinking about that right now. He really is in a lot of pain.
I understand what you're saying too about them feeling as if they have to point out everything they do, like a little child.."Mommy, look what I did today! Can I have a piece of candy???"
That's how it sounds to me most of the time, although I'm sure it comes out as "Hey hon, did you notice I mowed the grass and cleaned the pool for YOU and THE KIDS today??? Oh, by the way, I'm meeting so and so at the bar in an hour, to go over some club business but I won't be late". Won't be late is usually after I'm long in bed asleep.
I usually say.."Okay, whatever, see when you get home" and pretty much ignore the grass and pool part, mainly because he probably forgot that he told me he was entertaining his friends with a cook out/booze party the next evening, so I KNOW who all the yard work was really for.
I know I'm a blond but gimme a break!LOL (Just kidding about the blond thing, I am smart as hell!LOL)
Alcohol does seem to make people forget doesn't it? That has often times worked in my favor. I'm a great listener, when I want to be.
I understand the grouchy nasty thing too. Just last night I had to take my daughter shopping for school clothes and I hadn't even eaten all day, so she and I stopped in the mall and grabbed a nasty old hot dog, just so we could shop without our tummies growling all evening and I'm not even supposed to eat hot dogs and BOY am I paying for it today!LOL
We pulled up to the house about 8pm and as we were getting out of the truck, IN FRONT of his brother and his brother's wife, who had stopped by to borrow our van, he yells at me all POd "DID YOU BRING DINNER???? IF I CAME BACK FROM BEING OUT ALL EVENING, YOU'D EXPECT ME TO HAVE SOME DINNER FOR YOU!!!!"
First of all, that is the biggest load of you know what I ever heard. It was just another time that he was grouchy from not drinking all week and he had an audience to make a fool out of me in front of. He barely works a full day, usually getting home around 1 or 2pm. (Which he usually spends sleeping, storing up his energy for the next drinking spree) I on the other hand have a very demanding and stressful job, which barely leaves me time for lunch all day and I don't get home until most days nearly 5:30pm.
HE wanted me to go back to work full time last year because we supposedly needed the money and our agreement was that since he is home early, he picks the kids up from school and has dinner ready when I get home. I guess you know where that deal went right???LOL
I can't even remember the last time he had dinner ready when I got home. The kids usually either fend for themselves or he goes and get's them fast food at 4pm and I don't eat fast food so that's that. I forage when I get home or keep things in the house that I can eat. I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and cannot eat greasy, fatty foods or I end up in the emergency room 8 hours later. Stress is also another factor...I'm not supposed to have any! If my poor doctor only knew!LOL I'm also lactose intollerant. He however knows that he doesn't have to fix anything fancy but there has to be a green vegetable or mixed vegetables that I can eat.
Well, since he wasn't drinking last night because he couldn't, (he had to have surgery today on his hernia) I felt very JUSTIFIED myself to yell right back!
It was really funny! He just looked at me and gets all defensive..."What are you yelling at ME for???"
I looked at him as if he had three heads and said.."UM...YOU started this REMEMBER? All I did was get out of the truck!"
Then, he told our son "Let's go to McDonald's!" and out the door they went.
You see, to me it's all just so hilarious. It's really sad but I laugh now instead of crying and falling apart and getting angry. I only yelled back at him because he yelled at me like that in front of the kids and I don't want my daughter thinking a man can just yell at you and you fold up like a withered flower and I don't want my son to think he can ever treat a woman like that.
Well, he shut his trap and ate his food and that was that! HA!
Poor guy. He can't get around too well right now because of his operation. I guess if he needs to go to the bar, he'll have to call one of his buddies to come and get him but I don't even think he is thinking about that right now. He really is in a lot of pain.
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