Missmarple

Just as I´m starting to get my head around things since he moved out, today I´ve just found out I´m pregnant. I had suspicions when I was due for my period before the last month, but my period came and I thought nothing more about it, although that monthly period was very strange and not like a usual period, I´m realising now that it could have been the implantation bleeding. Anyway now 8 days over and have realised that I actually feel pregnant and my test was positive. So I´m either 8½ weeks or 5 weeks depending on if my last period was a true one. I haven´t told him yet as I´m not 100% sure what I am to do, last week when I had my suspicions I was hell bent on not keeping the baby if I was pregnant and convinced myself that I would have a termination, only now I´m having 2nd thoughts and literally don´t know if I could physically go through with that.

Right now it makes no difference at all what he thinks or wants, I know he will use this as an excuse to get back together and try again and he´ll stop drinnking etc..., only I don´t buy that anymore, that was the excuses he gave me when I was pregnant 4 years ago with our son, he carried on drinking all through my pregnancy, so much so to the point that my son was born premature due to the stress I was under. I know he is still drinking now and still he doesn´t accept that we separated because of his drinking as in his words "he only has a few beers now" funny how alcoholics lose count after the first 6 pints.

My hormones are already all over the place and I have been very emotional anyway with our separation, I´m already getting morning sickness, but I honestly do not know what to do, will I regret whichever decision I make, one part of me wants to have this baby alone and another part of me can´t stand to be alone, I can never take him back that woudl be disastrous.

Please, somebody give me some wise words.

Bernadette

(((((((Missmarple)))))))
Easy does it....whatever you decide to do you want to own the decision 100% as a decision that is good for you and your son and your future...do you have a close friend, or a counselor you can speak to about the reality of your situation?

Just because you are pregnant does not mean you HAVE to get back together with him. You are free in this moment to decide how to live your life. Stay strong and lean on people you can trust for help!

peace,
b

PoetryandHums

In terms of whether or not to keep the pregnancy, I would imagine it's a really difficult time for you to be making such a big decision. Phew. Can you talk to a counselor or someone, maybe through a woman's health clinic in your area? Can you take some time "away", physically or mentally, to think it over/feel it out?

In the larger picture, whether you decide to terminate the pregnancy or not, this is going to be a vulnerable time for you, physically and emotionally. The last thing you need right now is to deal with the madness of an alcoholic, to have another (adult) child to look after in the form of your AH, or to put yourself in a situation where you suffer. Also, you acknowledge (in your other post) that this is having a negative effect on your son. His needs are still important, and if you do decide to have the baby, so are hers/his.

Hang in there. It may feel like this changes everything, but I think it really just makes the same things more important. You're on the right track and you can handle this, especially with some help! :ghug

Bernadette

from PoetryandHums "It may feel like this changes everything, but I think it really just makes the same things more important."

Wow this is such a great thought! So true, so true.
peace,
b

Missmarple

Thanks Bernadette and Poetry and Hums for your words, I can say that I am 99% certain that I will not go back to my alcoholic partner, I do not want to be back in that situation - ever! I thought that my mind was already made up and the best thing for me and my son would be a termination, but that is such a difficult decision to make as it is a difficult decision to go ahead with the pregnancy.

One part of me feels that I am strong and I can cope alone with bringing up a new baby but then another part of me doesn´t want to a) have another reason to be connected with my ex partner and b) want to put any more heartache and stress on the son that I already have, most definitley another child would disrupt him no end.

I haven´t spoken with my ex partner about my pregnancy, at this moment I don´t feel that I need to, yes people can say that he is the father and he has rights also, maybe he does, but in my eyes he lost all the rights to my life when he continued to drink jepordising mine and our sons future.

I do have a very close friend who I can talk to, I would like to speak with my doctor but I was kind of hoping that I had things sorted out in my own head before I discussed the possibilities with her. Maybe I should make an appointment sooner rather later.

MissFixit

Missmarple,

I like your name. So sorry that you are torn in this situation. It is a sticky one.

I have not been in your shoes, but have firends who have and each has made a different choice and been at peace with it.

You say that staying with him is unlikely, so that is good to keep in mind. I know people who have had a child after they broke up and are raising the baby together but they are not together. I know people who have given the baby up for adoption and kept in touch with the adoptive parents. I know people who have terminated and years later were at peace with their decision. And, I know people who have married the baby's father. There is no judgement coming from me for whatever you decide.

I agree that talking with a counselor is a really important thing to do right now and talk with the best friend.

Miss

Missmarple

Thanks Miss Fixit,

The more I think things over the more I feel muddled, whichever decision I make I know I will regret it, if I have a termination I know that weeks, months or even years down the line I would wish I hadn´t, but then I´m also guessing that if I go through the pregnancy, I know I will just get on and deal with things because I have to, but will there be some slight resentment.

If I decide to have the baby, I know that it could be raised with the father, he is still seeing his son daily since we separated and I know he would do the same with a new child. I have thought that this could just be another tie or connection with him, but we will always be connected anyway though our son.

I live in Spain and my family are all back in the UK, it´s hard being so far from family, yes I have a very close friend as I said before, but sometimes nothing beats the support of family around. I have contemplated keeping the baby and going back to the UK where I have my family support but I know that I would be so miserable as I hate it there but love the life I have in Spain and besides my son´s father would of course need to be involved in the situation of where we live for them to still have contact.

MissFixit

What would be your ideal situation?

tallulah

Well.. first things first.. I'd make an appointment with my Doctor and talk it over, possibly get a referral to a counsellor to discuss the options and get an idea of how long you have to make a decision.. I'd look at the options and play the tape all the way through for all of them.

I may get burned for this because yeah he is the Father but.. right now, if I were you, I'd take him out of the equation and think about what having another baby would mean for you and your son.. because even if you have the baby and he is involved, while he is an active alcoholic he isn't going to 'be there' 100%.. is he?

I don't know your situation.. the only thing I could say is don't make any rash decisions either way. Talk it out with people you trust and who love and support you, talk it out with people who can give you medical advice and support... talk it out so you know that whatever you decide, you have explored all the possibilities and are comfortable with your decison.

This is hard.. my thoughts and good wishes go out to you :ghug

Missmarple

My ideal situation would be to have the baby with the father involved, not involved as being a couple but just involved as a father, I´m not naiive to think that this would make us, because it wouldn´t as I said I´ve been there before.

But my ideal situation is not necessarily the right decision to make.

I have taken the father out of the equation for now and yes I understand that he is the father and he does have rights, but I need to decide for me whats best, for the past 8 yeasr of our relationship, I´ve always put him first, always but my attention to helping him with his addiction leaving little time or compassion for myself or what the hell I´ve been going through.

I know it would be a huge step to raise the baby alone, I am the breadwinner of the family, so I would also have to go straight back to work for financial reasons which is what I did after my last pregnancy and I would need to have a nanny to help with the childcare.

The easiest thing would be to have a termination, but I need to be 100% sure in myself that it´s the right thing to do in my circumstance.

MissFixit

Hugs to you

GiveLove

Very tough situation. Weigh your options and also think about what is best for the baby. Take a look at some of the threads here from mothers/fathers who watch their children go through the hell of

• alcoholic dad seeks and gets awarded unsupervised visitation
• "daddy promised to be here but he didn't show up"...the heartbreak of explaining that for the next couple of decades
• being forced to see baby's father even as he starts to see other people, get thrown in jail, lose jobs, etc. and expose yourself to more manipulation and pain
• grown-up baby feeling emotionally/financially responsible for A father as he grows old
• mommy had to work full time to pay for everything as a single mom and never had time for the new child
• and everything else...

Think carefully whether this is an environment you would want to thrust a new baby human being into. I once had to make the choice not to, and I have never regretted it - to bring a helpless thing into that situation would've been child abuse, I honestly believe that.

But please DO get some counseling to find out where your feelings lie. And remember to take care of you in all of this

Missmarple

Givelove,

Thank you so much, your advise has made my feelings a little clearer now, I will have to go through most of your points as I already have a son with my ex partner and yes if I´m honest it´s devastating when I think that I will not know what my son´s future is with his alcoholic father, so you are very right to force another helpless child into that very same situation is very selfish of me. It would also be selfish of me to bring another being into this world knowing that I couldn´t provide a stable upbringing.

For now my decision is made, I will call to make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

One other question, do I tell my ex partner, that I am pregnant and plan not to go through with the pregnancy. Part of me is thinking I should tell him, he will not be able to influence my decision one bit, oh yes I will know he would want to try again but I will never take him back. But another part of me would hate him to find out from somebody else in time, we are on good terms right now, we are actually getting on better than when we lived together, that fact is because I don´t have to see the drinking anymore, we have agreed to be as good together in an amicable way as much as we can for our sons sake.

Freedom1990

It is a very personal decision.

I terminated a pregnancy when I was with the EXAH but before we got married. I was terrified of bringing another child into this world under those circumstances.

That being said, it was a decision I had a very hard time living with for many years, and finally found some resolution when I spent 3 weeks in-patient in a women's treatment program.

The last time I ended up pregnant, despite the protests of my parents, the scathing letters from my mother, I carried through with the pregnancy because that was the decision I could live with.

I had no emotional support from my biological family, but I had tons of support from my recovery network of friends. One of my first AA sponsors was there with me through my entire labor, and she was in the delivery room with me too.

That beautiful baby girl is going to be 21 years old in June. Her father, despite being a sober member of AA for over 33 years now, has had little to no contact with her for most of her life. He lives 35 miles away.

She knows which parent was there for her through thick and thin. Yes there were times it was tough, and I felt guilt about once again choosing a man who couldn't even be there as a father, but I don't regret for one moment making the decision that I did.

I wish you only the best, and a quiet heart in whatever you choose. :ghug

laurie6781

There is another option. Adoption. No guilt from termination. Father is not involved. Child goes to a good home, and after child turns 18, if you desire there are ways to find said child. I know, I did find her. Took me years, as most of my search was before the internet, but once I hooked into the internet it took me only about 9 months and I found her when she was 34.

As much as I left the Catholic Church, I can tell you that they do have an EXCELLENT adoption program, world wide. J M H O

But, first things first, get to your doctor. Talk with your doctor about all of this, s/he may have some further suggestions and 'solutions' for you.

I fully understand that you would not want this child involved with a practicing father and you certainly do not want him around your son.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care so much. Many of us are 'across the pond' but we can and will keep you in our prayers and you will know that you have many you can turn to for support.

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

Missmarple,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, it must be a tough time for you, thank you for trusting us. I agree with the others in that seeing a counselor/therapist at this time would be the most convenient thing to do, so she or he can help you take the best decision.

I have a really good friend that terminated her pregnancy. Right now she is happily married and at peace with that decision. So in case you decide to do it, just know there are others who have done it and feel at peace with themselves.

I send you (((hugs)))) during this difficult time.

Daisy30

personally I would not let the A know until you finalize your decision, if at all (depending on what that decision is).

I got unexpectantly pregnant with my 3rd. my AH was actively drinking. We were still living together and I said the same thing. I cannot bring another child into this situation. I must of said it a hundred times. Finally, 8 months after he was born. I went to my first al-anon meeting. I started to learn, grow, and heal. He is now 2 years old and AH and I are seperated. I wouldn't give him up for the world.

Adding a new life into this situation does make it harder. There is a lot of good though too. This is a very personal decision. Talk it out with some people you trust a councelor. If you don't go to al-anon give it a try

(((((hugs))))

Missmarple

Well thank you all for your replies and words of wisedom and support. After careful consideration including a councilling session, I ahve decided to keep this baby and I am happy and at peace with my decision.

The biggest reason is that I don´t want my son to grow as an only child, I want him to have a brother or sister, I know with my age I wouldn´t want another opportunity if i don´t take this and it will do him good after all the stress that´s happened in his young life so far.

I am not with the father, we are still separated yet we do still see eachother everyday, I have the control and he doesn´t turn up drunk as he knows his access would be cut straight away.

This pregnancy I´m not in the same volatile relationship that I was the first time around, I know that I have more love than most couples can give together and that is what is really special.

Financially I can cope very well, yes I will go back to work but I am a career woman and it´s what I do best. This is my 2nd child, I have my eyes wide open and my childrens best interest at hearts.

This new baby and even my other son will not see the depths of the alcoholism that is controlling their father, that is why I made the consious decision to separate. I have told him this morning that I´m pregnant and plan to keep this baby, of course he was over the moon and thrilled, I have told him if he wants access and to help me raise the children he needs to come clean, whether he does I don´t know, I know he can only stay sober for himself and not anybody else, but at least this may give him another purpose to.

However, even if I raise this child alone I am determined to give it my best and I know that I have much love from friends, my family are back in the UK if worse came to worse I know I always have a place there with support.

I hope you all support me on my decision and will help me through my pregnancy, I know with hormones all over the place I´m sure I will need to have a good old rant every now and then xx

bluejay6

MissMarple,
Many blessings to you. You are an experienced mother and you are also financially independent and I think you will succeed in your conviction to birth this child and raise him lovingly and responsibly.

Their father will be for you a serious and ongoing challenge, and I hope you will also include in your responsibility to your children a commitment to get counseling for yourself to cope with his effect on your life and theirs. He will become crazier in his disease, and that can make your entire life crazy and your children's lives a devastation. Do not minimize this risk and do not for a minute think you can handle it on your own just because your intentions are good. The disease is diabolical and powerful and the addict becomes that as well, especially when he does not get what he wants as he becomes sicker.

It can make you very ill and your parenting will deteriorate. So do please find ongoing support to treat the effects of his disease on your psyche.

For what it's worth, your choice would have been mine also.
Wishing you a happy pregnancy and beautiful child.

Don't isolate, sweetie. Post here whenever you need.