My chair..
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
My chair..
I did my chair last night. It went well 
Turns out I'm not alone in struggling with the label as a catch all.
I looked at my codie behaviour in the relationship with the A: which in my case was poor boundaries and arose out of the 'ism'... the alcohol part was never a problem for me and I when I encountered the wet A I had no hesitation in handing him over for him and his HP to deal with it.
So my experience of co-dependency was centered around boundaries. When I met him I had them. By the time I left they had been breached, trampled upon and were lying in a crumpled heap. I allowed that to happen: I take ownership of my part in that. I had allowed the A's actions and behaviours to determine my own. I was as trapped in the controlling and manipulating ways the A used: in a relationship swirling in a vicious cycle of twisted practices. I was someone I bearly recognise: being someone unhealthy for 'survival'.
I see co-dependency like an outfit made up of many different components... just as the symptoms of co-dependency are many. I wore a 'codie' coat when I allowed myself to put my sense of loyalty to the A in a place that outweighed my awareness of what I needed to keep myself safe, healthy and well. I developed my traits as a mechanism to be in a situation out of control. I was vulnerable - co-dependent behaviour kept me safe - it also kept the situation sick and ultimately myself so.
I never thought I caused it. Despite negatives thrown at me by the A, my little voice would still say 'that's not the case'. I never thought I could cure it. Despite the 'if you were this' or 'if you did that', my little voice would still say 'that's not the case'. I never thought I could control it. Actually that is not strictly true. Although my little voice let me know that it still didn;t stop me trying.
I was a smart girl, right? I could do letting him act out, I could nod and understand and agree. I could do that without it harming me. I could do that without it taking a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally. Couldn't I?
No. Because every little bit of acceptance, minimisation, rationalisation, qualification chipped away at the healthy boundaries until all that remained was a thoroughfare.
Every time I helped him, enabled him, to diminish his accountability and accepted.. I kept a precedent for the next time. Every time I took the unacceptable behaviours, the manipulations, the disrespect.. every time I sat willingly on the rollercoaster.. I gave away a piece of the interdependent for the co-dependent. I learned to accept less. Anytime the 'healthy' me rose up to speak, to set and enforce healthy boundaries, she was quickly squashed... and not only by the A. I minimised, rationalised, qualified right along with him.
An example of my 'codie' behaviour that I drew upon in my chair showed how I would skillfully use it to quell a storm. 'Yes I will take on your behaviour and agree my responsibility for it' - 'Yes I will accept it for I do not expect anything more' - 'Yes I will try to make it better by surrendering my boundaries'.
I realised that that 'codie' coat slipped on far too easily. I realised that it was ill-fitting and out of date. I realised what I had become. It did not and does not feel comfortable to me. I realised that the boundaries that worked in every other part of my life did not stand up when it came to the A: they were gossamer and (to me) negotiable.
I drew upon an example of change in my chair. When faced with a situation where I could easily enable the A by accepting, minimising, diminishing to the detriment of my well-being and what I feel to be 'right'. I chose to put aside that misguided loyalty and let him face whatever he has to face without my interference in trying to make it better for him. I maintained my boundary and rejected the 'codie' coat. It wasn't easy. It was difficult... but not without relief. That coat is heavy and burdensome!
I have no doubt that my boundaries will continue to be tested. They are, in parts, still fragile and have to be re-established.. I have to dig out the foundations and get building. But I seem to be put into situations lately where they are tested and with each test they strengthen.
A work in progress
Turns out I'm not alone in struggling with the label as a catch all. I looked at my codie behaviour in the relationship with the A: which in my case was poor boundaries and arose out of the 'ism'... the alcohol part was never a problem for me and I when I encountered the wet A I had no hesitation in handing him over for him and his HP to deal with it.
So my experience of co-dependency was centered around boundaries. When I met him I had them. By the time I left they had been breached, trampled upon and were lying in a crumpled heap. I allowed that to happen: I take ownership of my part in that. I had allowed the A's actions and behaviours to determine my own. I was as trapped in the controlling and manipulating ways the A used: in a relationship swirling in a vicious cycle of twisted practices. I was someone I bearly recognise: being someone unhealthy for 'survival'.
I see co-dependency like an outfit made up of many different components... just as the symptoms of co-dependency are many. I wore a 'codie' coat when I allowed myself to put my sense of loyalty to the A in a place that outweighed my awareness of what I needed to keep myself safe, healthy and well. I developed my traits as a mechanism to be in a situation out of control. I was vulnerable - co-dependent behaviour kept me safe - it also kept the situation sick and ultimately myself so.
I never thought I caused it. Despite negatives thrown at me by the A, my little voice would still say 'that's not the case'. I never thought I could cure it. Despite the 'if you were this' or 'if you did that', my little voice would still say 'that's not the case'. I never thought I could control it. Actually that is not strictly true. Although my little voice let me know that it still didn;t stop me trying.
I was a smart girl, right? I could do letting him act out, I could nod and understand and agree. I could do that without it harming me. I could do that without it taking a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally. Couldn't I?
No. Because every little bit of acceptance, minimisation, rationalisation, qualification chipped away at the healthy boundaries until all that remained was a thoroughfare.
Every time I helped him, enabled him, to diminish his accountability and accepted.. I kept a precedent for the next time. Every time I took the unacceptable behaviours, the manipulations, the disrespect.. every time I sat willingly on the rollercoaster.. I gave away a piece of the interdependent for the co-dependent. I learned to accept less. Anytime the 'healthy' me rose up to speak, to set and enforce healthy boundaries, she was quickly squashed... and not only by the A. I minimised, rationalised, qualified right along with him.
An example of my 'codie' behaviour that I drew upon in my chair showed how I would skillfully use it to quell a storm. 'Yes I will take on your behaviour and agree my responsibility for it' - 'Yes I will accept it for I do not expect anything more' - 'Yes I will try to make it better by surrendering my boundaries'.
I realised that that 'codie' coat slipped on far too easily. I realised that it was ill-fitting and out of date. I realised what I had become. It did not and does not feel comfortable to me. I realised that the boundaries that worked in every other part of my life did not stand up when it came to the A: they were gossamer and (to me) negotiable.
I drew upon an example of change in my chair. When faced with a situation where I could easily enable the A by accepting, minimising, diminishing to the detriment of my well-being and what I feel to be 'right'. I chose to put aside that misguided loyalty and let him face whatever he has to face without my interference in trying to make it better for him. I maintained my boundary and rejected the 'codie' coat. It wasn't easy. It was difficult... but not without relief. That coat is heavy and burdensome!
I have no doubt that my boundaries will continue to be tested. They are, in parts, still fragile and have to be re-established.. I have to dig out the foundations and get building. But I seem to be put into situations lately where they are tested and with each test they strengthen.
A work in progress
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Yeah, brilliant.
This is such a great illustration to me, of how addiction is so utterly cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL a disease,
and
a FAMILY disease, that sucks those around the addict in.
Addiction can take just about any person around it, and root out and find within them whatever tiny vestiges of codie tendencies they may have, and amplify them to its use.
In the end, I personally have grown grateful for the trauma and education addiction gave me. I now have a much better "viewer" to see maladaptive behaviors in myself and those around me, and a great set of tools and perspective to adjust myself, than I EVER would have developed, had I not been exposed to addiction.
It's true for me, when they say "you will grow not to regret the past."
I'm sure your participation was incredibly useful for the folks in that room - what a great topic you were able to discuss.
CLMI
This is such a great illustration to me, of how addiction is so utterly cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL a disease,
and
a FAMILY disease, that sucks those around the addict in.
Addiction can take just about any person around it, and root out and find within them whatever tiny vestiges of codie tendencies they may have, and amplify them to its use.
In the end, I personally have grown grateful for the trauma and education addiction gave me. I now have a much better "viewer" to see maladaptive behaviors in myself and those around me, and a great set of tools and perspective to adjust myself, than I EVER would have developed, had I not been exposed to addiction.
It's true for me, when they say "you will grow not to regret the past."
I'm sure your participation was incredibly useful for the folks in that room - what a great topic you were able to discuss.
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Thanks guys. :ghug
I haven't written it all out.. it's like War and Peace lol.. but I've posted the important bits.
When the group said which topic did you get and I told them they collectively went 'ugh, hard subject, poor you'. I thought I'd drawn the short straw but in fact it was just the right straw. *shakes fist at HP* darn you.. and thank you..
Stuff is put in your path for a reason huh.
I haven't written it all out.. it's like War and Peace lol.. but I've posted the important bits.
When the group said which topic did you get and I told them they collectively went 'ugh, hard subject, poor you'. I thought I'd drawn the short straw but in fact it was just the right straw. *shakes fist at HP* darn you.. and thank you..
Stuff is put in your path for a reason huh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
thank you Freedom.. I'll no doubt be shaking my fist again but with every little 'why yoooooou' comes something I have to do to learn from..
I've done alot of reading about it and seems to me that the checklist of co-dependency reads like that of any human being.. traits found in healthy situations and people.. but it is unhealthy when one or more of those traits is amplified or skewed.
Without boundaries you ain't got nothing.. and if there is one thing I have learned from this mess is that never ever ever be complacent about them.. like CLMI says, sometimes situations and people can root out stuff, amplify stuff, chip away at stuff.. and before you know it, no boundaries, increased tolerance levels, recipe for disaster.
I've done alot of reading about it and seems to me that the checklist of co-dependency reads like that of any human being.. traits found in healthy situations and people.. but it is unhealthy when one or more of those traits is amplified or skewed.
Without boundaries you ain't got nothing.. and if there is one thing I have learned from this mess is that never ever ever be complacent about them.. like CLMI says, sometimes situations and people can root out stuff, amplify stuff, chip away at stuff.. and before you know it, no boundaries, increased tolerance levels, recipe for disaster.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Thank you for this T. I noticed recently ABF was inching past my boundaries. Sneaky devil. I've been telling myself that I'm being overly critical...he hasn't stomped over the line...it's just a crack in the foundation that he has started leaking through.
I decided this morning in my daily pondering that it's standard operating procedure for him to work around whatever boundaries I put in place. It's his job to creep forward a little at a time to see how far my tolerance extends. It's not just the addiction either. He has always been the king of guy to push buttons and test the rules in life.
Because of this there is nothing wrong with reassessing my boundaries and establishing new ones. There are amendments to the constitution, right? Not even such an important list is without change. Making adjustments isn't changing the rules of the game, it's rolling with the changes of my current existance.
Even as I made the decision and vowed to stay strong for myself, I had a hint of doubt that I wasn't being fair or that I was making him jump through hoops in some way.
Then I read your post!! You may not have thought it a blessing to get this subject for your chair, but I think it was the perfect one for you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!!!
Alice
I decided this morning in my daily pondering that it's standard operating procedure for him to work around whatever boundaries I put in place. It's his job to creep forward a little at a time to see how far my tolerance extends. It's not just the addiction either. He has always been the king of guy to push buttons and test the rules in life.
Because of this there is nothing wrong with reassessing my boundaries and establishing new ones. There are amendments to the constitution, right? Not even such an important list is without change. Making adjustments isn't changing the rules of the game, it's rolling with the changes of my current existance.
Even as I made the decision and vowed to stay strong for myself, I had a hint of doubt that I wasn't being fair or that I was making him jump through hoops in some way.
Then I read your post!! You may not have thought it a blessing to get this subject for your chair, but I think it was the perfect one for you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!!!
Alice
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