TinyDancer82

I am worried about my husband.

We are young, have one child, another on the way, and we have been married for a little over 2 years. I stay at home and am going to school for my masters degree. He works full time in construction and is doing very well. It is not the white collar/wealthy life that I grew up having, but it is simple and stable and going well.

However, there are some things that are NOT going so well, mainly with my husband's drinking. When my husband and I first met I was working in a bar while going to college and we were having quite a fun party life. We lived downtown in the city of Chicago, went out ALOT, had many drunken nights and really partied our little butts off. His friends always joked about him loving Bud Light but I always thought, hey so do I, and we are young and having fun! Why not have 10 beers on a Saturday while watching football!? Only... I was able to stop drinking in that way. I mean, when we were 22 I didn't think twice about him ordering tall rum and cokes or ordering tequila shots for the gang a couple times in a night, but now 6 years later it just seems a little much. Sure we aren't going to the hot clubs in the city and just mainly hanging out with friends at home, but the tall drinks and multiple shots just haven't seemed to stop.

Although I am pregnant now, I am known for being a little party girl myself still. I don't mind drinking a couple glasses of wine, taking ONE shot, or even having a few martinis with my girlfriends, but it just seems like my husband is drinking at inappropriate times when drinking is just so unnecessary. Recently he has started buying handles of Bacardi and just filling up the glasses like the liquor is going to run away! I was a bartender - I KNOW how much of a pour it takes to make a mixed drink. Over a couple hours he gets louder, and more talkative and ANNOYING AS HELL - mainly because he is a completely different person. He isn't mean, destructive, or even missing work or time with our daughter, he is just different. So much so that I don't even like being around him. I feel like I don't even know that person. Sometimes I think, gosh I know its normal for a hardworking man to come home and want a beer or two, I remember when I worked I would have a glass of wine or two in the evening. But 4-6 heavily poured rum and cokes? COME ON! I feel like if it was 4-6 beers I would be happy. Why does it have to be liquor? Even if it was one scotch on the rocks I might understand that he enjoys the specialness of the taste or something. But these are just like party drinks that a college kid would order at a bar!

I feel everyday I try and tell myself that I should stop caring. That if I stopped caring then it won't bother me. I should just accept that my life is not going to be the romantic love story that I hoped it might be. I do not believe in divorce and would NEVER do that unless it got violent or dangerous for my children or myself. But I don't want to be intimate with him. I don't even really want to be in the same room with him. And it started out like only once in a while, now its practically everyday when he comes home.

There are so many things going RIGHT in our life (buying a new house, we have lots of financial stability, have an AWESOME child and another on the way, tons of great friends, very helpful family) the only thing I can think of is that he drinks because of me??? Is it because I don't want to have sex with him everyday - or that the intimacy level has changed (I mean I am pregnant and have a 18 month old!).... I just don't know. Is it because we grew up different? He comes from a blue collar family where his dad did and still does drink ALOT. His father didn't really pay attention to the wife and kids and did his own thing, mainly drinking with his friends. My family was more of a white collar and my parents were super involved in everything we did. My parents barely drank anything but wine and beer. Not that they didn't have some wild parties, but nothing so routine as his parents. Is it just that we have different expectations from life? Maybe I am just being a crazy pregnant lady who is annoyed that she can't have a glass of wine after a rough day with a one and a half year old?

Thanks for reading my story. I don't have anyone else to ask. I don't really know what to do next. What do you think?? Anything familiar? Thanks a bunch

Spiritual Seeker

You mentioned blue collar/white collar a couple times. Job and social status has nothing to do with alcoholism. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer and is progressive.

I accepted and partied with my 1st husband. After we had a child my priorities change...his did not. It got to the point where I lost all respect for him. Our marriage did not survive and we split up when our son was only two.

Can you get to a counselor together to communicate what the issue is. ??
We can't change what we don't acknowledge. Does your husband think his drinking is a problem?

suki44883

He doesn't drink because of you; he drinks because he wants to drink. He may be an alcoholic but it's not because of anything you have or haven't done.

Also, since you are pregnant, you should not be drinking at all, let alone the amount you admit to.

naive

you are not the cause of his drinking. he wants his drink. it's as simple as that.

counseling for the two of you sounds like a good idea.

i understand your not wanting to have sex with a drunk. it's not fun. i felt the same as you, so then my ABF took a lover.

i'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from him during your pregnancy.

i'll second that you shouldn't drink at all if you are pregnant.

when i was pregnant, i didn't drink at all but ABF kept going full steam ahead. he said the added pressure of having a baby (which he begged for) made him drink more. they will use any excuse possible to blame something else for their drinking.

Freedom1990

How do you suppose your children might feel as the years go by, and it only continues to get worse?

Just some food for thought.

Bernadette

I do not believe in divorce and would NEVER do that unless it got violent or dangerous for my children or myself.

Wow. So other than violence and danger everything else is acceptable?

I went into marriage counseling stubborn as hell saying "I am NOT getting a divorce!"
The counselor looked at me and said "Well then what are you going to do? Because your spouse is not your piece of clay to turn into the "thing" you want and expect him to be! No matter how many legitimate reasons you give for wanting/needing him to be a certain way. Can you accept that?"

So tinydancer what are you going to do?

Can you accept him, just as he is, today?

As far as his drinking goes:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.


AlAnon and one-on-one therapy helped me a lot with my denial/acceptance issues! Maybe try AlAnon - especially if you are so determined to remain married - you'll learn lots of tools there to make sure you are not enabling his problem and that you are doing the best you can to not contribute to the unhealthy dynamic your kids will be around.

Glad you're here.
Keep posting!
B

GiveLove

Early on in my marriage, my husband and I had a conversation about the "party" drinking he was doing at the time. I said: "When you're this drunk, I don't want to have anything to do with you, and I question the wisdom of marrying you in the first place."

It's been a long, long time since he let himself get to that state again. The difference? My husband's not an alcoholic. He looks at being drunk, looks at the possibility of losing me, and is able to say, "Nope. It's not worth it." And stop on a dime.

An alcoholic can't. Is your husband willing and able to do this? Have you had this conversation with him? What was his reaction? His reactions/answers to all of these things are very telling, in terms of how much control (if any) he has over his drinking, and how much respect he has for you.

My parents stayed together because they too "didn't believe in divorce" (italian catholic) So instead, as their alcoholism escaled (which it does - make NO mistake about that) they raised five incredibly screwed up adult children of alcoholics, two of whom are dead, one in a mental institution, and the other two with years of therapy under their belt to un-learn everything they were taught.

I'd urge you to look at your situation and decide what you are willing to live with. This is serious stuff.

JoBloggs

Welcome TinyDancer.

Your story sounds quite like mine. I met my husband in a nightclub when we were both in our late 20s and we partied alot together at first. Then I wanted a family and my partying stopped but his continued, and more than a decade later, he's still partying...

During my pregnancy with my second son I was so stressed about my husband's constant partying and "friendship" with another woman who partied with him and I ended up going into labour and having my son at 31 weeks gestation, 9 weeks early. It was a truly terrifying and horrible time because I was so insecure and so afraid for my baby (who is now a beautiful healthy 8-year old). It's great that you are reaching out for support - keep doing that, and look after you and your babies!

Please don't think that he drinks because of you. He drinks because that is his choice - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

You can choose what to do with your life.

It is very hard to accept that your life won't be the romantic love story that you thought it would be - I have often heard people with alcoholic spouses describe the pain of letting go of what might have been - but it's great when you get over that and get on with trying to make the rest of your life the best that it can be.

I wish you and your babies well. XX

In a Tailspin

Whoa there, suki.........put that wagging finger away. I'm pretty sure she was talking about how much she drinks when she's *not* pregnant.......hence the distinction "althought I am pregnant now......"

I read nothing in her post that makes me think she is throwing them back.....quite the opposite, in fact!!!!

TinyDancer...........without volumteering too much identifying information about myself, let's just say that I work in a field that requires me to ask family members a lot of questions about medical and behavioral information in order to determine overall health and risk of disease in their loved one. Obviously, regular alcohol consumption is a concern to someone's health. We use the ballpark number of "average of 2 or more drinks per day". Meaning someone who averages 2 or more beers, 2 or more shots of hard liquor, or 2 or more glasses of wine daily is at risk for health risks from their drinking, and would be concerning to me in my position. 4-6 beers daily........maybe you would be happier, but he would still be in a precarious position. It's not about what he drinks. It's about how much he drinks and his obvious inability and/or unwillingness to stop. And it's about how much you are willing to tolerate. How much are you willing for your children to grow up thinking this behavior is normal, acceptable, and to be copied by them?

I hope you have found or will find an alanon meeting near you. There is an incredible amount of knowledge, understanding, wisdom, and support in those rooms. It helps me, and so many others, so much. Good luck to you and your babies.........keep posting and let us know how it goes!!