anubus

As many of you know, after alot of struggling emotionally, I recently broke up with ABF. I go to Alon-on when I can, and read the boards on here daily. I'm really trying hard to take all the advise, but I'll admit I am having a VERY hard time getting over ABF....the failed dreams, and I am VERY lonely, and wanting to put this ordeal behind me & start a new chapter in my life.

So I've been emailing a guy from an internet dating site. At first it wasn't the "love at first sight" that my codie personality is usually attracted to (I can pick an A from a mile away), but we seem to have alot in common overall. Tonight we talked over the phone for the first time. Pretty early in the conversation he told me he's a recovered addict.....he says he's been clean for 21 years (he's 60 years old, I'm 50). He seemed pretty sincere, and told me details of his recovery, did the 12 step program, etc. He spoke about his remorse for all the problems he caused people when he used, etc. He said he doesn't drink at all now either. He seems REALLY sincere, but geez when I heard "addict" I wanted to put up a huge cross to guard myself......lol.

This may be too early to even worry about this (we haven't even actually MET yet, next step is coffee somewhere).......but given my history with ABF, I NEVER EVER EVER want to go through that again. Am I just being gun-shy, or should I really be concerned about his past addiction? Any suggestions?

Latte

Meeting for coffee doesn't have to mean that you are planning on dating him. I met several great friends through dating them first. Actions speak louder than words. You can watch how he deals with life. Keeping it platonic for a while might be a good idea, especially for your recovery.

GiveLove

Although 20 years is a very respectable amount of time (assuming he is telling the truth, and you have no way of knowing that) when someone has been an addict, there will always be a chance of relapse if the right combination of circumstances occur.

If you never ever ever want to run the risk of this, I'd respectfully suggest you search for a relationship with someone who's not an A, "recovered" or not. I will never again be involved with someone who fights a daily battle with addiction, whether for 20 days or 20 years. There are just too many other good people in the world who are mentally healthy, and my codie tendencies don't need any more stoking.

Good luck, anubus.

anubus

Thank you. I guess I'm just jittery, overly gun shy this time around. I'll take it slow. And now that I think about it, I DID see the warning signs with XABF, even when we first started dating. But things happened fast & I was lonely, and chose to ignore the signs (which got worse over time of course). So I just have to learn to listen to my gut and take things slower.

Cynay

Can I ask how long it has been since you ended that relationship???

I know that in my past I have sought other relationships to fill that void the other left behind... when I have done that it has always ended up horrible... with either myself getting hurt or worse yet really hurting another person because I was not ready to have a relationship.

I have found that what works best for me is to just work though the empty emotions and wait till Im really healed before going out to see other relationships.... If Im not healed there is no reason for me to go out and try to start something new ... when Im not past the old.

Just sharing my experience is all.... It sounded like your really still emotionally attached to the alcoholic.

laurie6781

I would suggest that you NOT date for a while, while you continue to work on YOU and figure out what it is in you that is 'attracting' you to an A recovered or not.

This is the time, NOT to jump into something on the rebound, but to work on one's self and look within.

We attract from our 'insides' not our 'outsides.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,

tallulah

ugh.. I know how you feel..

I've had a couple of guys express interest in me.. one completely new and one who I already knew. It's a minefield.. my break up was quite recent and part of me wants to just lick my wounds and another part of me just wants to get right back in the saddle.

I think the rule of thumb is do what is comfortable.

ToughChoices

In my book:

If you still want the old guy, it's not time for a new one.

Acting otherwise just puts a little-bitty Band-Aid on a big, infected wound. Not fair to the wound, or the Band-Aid.

gowest

Yes, I agree.
I did the band aid maneuver and ended up married to the wrong person for almost 20 years.

Not worth the risk. If you are really lonely make plans with every relative, friend, co-worker etc to keep yourself from getting involved with the wrong person at the wrong time.

Freedom1990

Take it from a gal whose been there, done that, got that t-shirt, you are not ready for any sort of interaction with men right now, Anubis.
Even a 'friendship' will be tainted with the garbage of past that you haven't even begun to resolve.

I spent 13 long years after I left the EXAH not allowing myself to heal and truly work on self, just hopping from one man to the next, and not a healthy one in the bunch.

Give yourself the gift of self-discovery, please. :ghug

LaTeeDa

In my experience, the only time I have ever been completely happy in a relationship is when I was completely happy without one.

L