Isolation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Isolation
Hi.
I have been thinking about this topic for a while, and it doesn't get addressed too often.
Why do we (some of us) isolate when we are with our A's?
I have been reconnecting wiht people I was friends with prior to my relationship, but comepletely detached from them while I was with L. I cannot remember why I did this. I think I was embarrassed at the time because of his behavior. I knew something wasn't right and didn't want that reflected on me. Also, the time I spent with him was way too much for any normal relationship. I don't know how I got to that point and was wondering if anyone had insights into why they did similar things.
I don't want to do it again, so I am thinking through my role in that isolating dynamic as I was NEVER like that before dating him.
Miss
I have been thinking about this topic for a while, and it doesn't get addressed too often.
Why do we (some of us) isolate when we are with our A's?
I have been reconnecting wiht people I was friends with prior to my relationship, but comepletely detached from them while I was with L. I cannot remember why I did this. I think I was embarrassed at the time because of his behavior. I knew something wasn't right and didn't want that reflected on me. Also, the time I spent with him was way too much for any normal relationship. I don't know how I got to that point and was wondering if anyone had insights into why they did similar things.
I don't want to do it again, so I am thinking through my role in that isolating dynamic as I was NEVER like that before dating him.
Miss
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I too am slowly coming out of isolation. Some of it was embarrassment but, in my case, it was mainly to do with control.
I wasn't 'allowed' to go anywhere on my own, AH had to tag along. It made it difficult if not impossible for me to maintain my own circle of friends. If I did go out with friends, I had to make sure he had something else to do that night - he couldn't be left home alone. But it was OK for me to be left alone somehow!
It was weird how it all ended up - I certainly didn't start out like this! When we did go out, he had to be the centre of attention. I couldn't talk to anyone without him joining in. It was so subtle at first that I didn't notice it.
Anyway, now that he is my STBXAH and I'm on my own, friends who stopped hanging around with us have got back in touch with me. Turns out they didn't want to spend time near AH, they found him bitter and self absorbed. Now that he is gone they've reached out to be friends which really suprised me!
So no, you're not alone in finding yourself isolated! I'm finding that reconnecting with people on my own is a bit scary - I was with my AH 18 years - but fun too!
I wasn't 'allowed' to go anywhere on my own, AH had to tag along. It made it difficult if not impossible for me to maintain my own circle of friends. If I did go out with friends, I had to make sure he had something else to do that night - he couldn't be left home alone. But it was OK for me to be left alone somehow!
It was weird how it all ended up - I certainly didn't start out like this! When we did go out, he had to be the centre of attention. I couldn't talk to anyone without him joining in. It was so subtle at first that I didn't notice it.
Anyway, now that he is my STBXAH and I'm on my own, friends who stopped hanging around with us have got back in touch with me. Turns out they didn't want to spend time near AH, they found him bitter and self absorbed. Now that he is gone they've reached out to be friends which really suprised me!
So no, you're not alone in finding yourself isolated! I'm finding that reconnecting with people on my own is a bit scary - I was with my AH 18 years - but fun too!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Interesting topic Miss..
One of the things the A said to me was why had I become isolated.. as a criticism.
I think it is quite common. The whole issue, when we come to be in a relationship with an A, is swathed in anonimity. It is that combined with not knowing what to say and feeling like if you talked about the problems you are somehow being disloyal, feeling some kind of (for want of a better word) chagrin, feeling maybe some disquiet and embarrassment. Possibly.
And then there is the feeling that you don't want people to judge the A. If you talked about the relationship, especially if you were to recount the bad, people would be quick to ask you what you were doing with this person. If you love someone you don't want to hear that.
I too have been reconnecting with people and things I lost during the relationship. I too was never like that prior to the relationship. I think we allow ourselves to become isolated and we have to take ownership of that. But I also think, sometimes, the other partner can make it very difficult for us to connect. Just my experience, but when you are with an A who is disconnected from people and who keeps themselves to themsleves, doesn't commnuicate and is an island, it is very easy to become that. Then there are the difficulties in being in a relationship with an isolated person. It is a very sad and lonely place to be: couple that with all of the foregoing and you have another island.
What I have learned from reconnecting is that people were always there, just didn't or wouldn't see them. On reconnecting with one particular person I was expecting a lot of 'I told you so'.. didn't happen.. he was just really glad to speak to me.
One of the things the A said to me was why had I become isolated.. as a criticism.
I think it is quite common. The whole issue, when we come to be in a relationship with an A, is swathed in anonimity. It is that combined with not knowing what to say and feeling like if you talked about the problems you are somehow being disloyal, feeling some kind of (for want of a better word) chagrin, feeling maybe some disquiet and embarrassment. Possibly.
And then there is the feeling that you don't want people to judge the A. If you talked about the relationship, especially if you were to recount the bad, people would be quick to ask you what you were doing with this person. If you love someone you don't want to hear that.
I too have been reconnecting with people and things I lost during the relationship. I too was never like that prior to the relationship. I think we allow ourselves to become isolated and we have to take ownership of that. But I also think, sometimes, the other partner can make it very difficult for us to connect. Just my experience, but when you are with an A who is disconnected from people and who keeps themselves to themsleves, doesn't commnuicate and is an island, it is very easy to become that. Then there are the difficulties in being in a relationship with an isolated person. It is a very sad and lonely place to be: couple that with all of the foregoing and you have another island.
What I have learned from reconnecting is that people were always there, just didn't or wouldn't see them. On reconnecting with one particular person I was expecting a lot of 'I told you so'.. didn't happen.. he was just really glad to speak to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
The relationship where I was isolated, he wasn't an A in my life but had many of the negative personality traits that are warned about here and he did drink and do drugs. I allowed myself to become isolated because when I first met him, he was so charismatic and charming and bad boyish that I just fell hard. Gave me such attention. Then slowly, he'd ask small things like stay with him tonight instead of seeing your friends, etc. All of a sudden, your friends stop calling and it doesn't matter cuz you're with him. And then you're invested, even when you see things you don't like, in my case he'd belittle me, call me names, etc. but you accept it cuz the rest is so great.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
This is a great topic that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I allowed the A that was in my life at the time to isolate me without me even realising it until after I left. I'm sort of a loner by nature and have no issues being alone. I have to be "on" for my job and be around and deal with people all the time, so I rather enjoy my alone time. The A that was formerly in my life used that against me. We met when I had first moved to Colorado and I knew no one, which really wasn't a big deal to me. The huge red flag that was waving back then was that he never wanted me to meet anyone that knew his ex-wife. I bought into all of the awful things he said about her and stayed away from all of their friends whom had "so called" betrayed him during his divorce with his ex-wife. He only wanted me to hang out with his party friends, no one else, which wasn't appealing to me, so I would opt out of their little party till you drop sessions and stay home enjoying my quite time...until he would come home drunk and disrupt those peaceful moments. He is a 40 year old man who wanted to have a frat party every night. I still can't believe what I allowed myself to put up with. When I wouldn't go along with his party mentality, he would tell me that I was a sad person, because I didn't have any friends to hang out with. I would try to explain to him that just because I liked to be alone during my off hours from work and not throw a party everynight didn't mean that I had no friends. He'd then started telling me I was anit-social. I look back at it all now, and just have to shake my head at how silly it all was. I didn't realise it at the time, but he was isolating me in a very clever way..by trying to control who I could have contact with in his life. I've gotten to know alot of the people that he said were evil. He didn't want me anywhere near them, b/c they would tell me the truth about what happened with his ex-wife. He didn't want me to find out about her leaving him because of his cheating, lying, and abusing alcohol. Funny....those are the same reasons that I left him. Anyway....I will never again apologise for liking my alone time again, and I will never allow someone to who tries to control me within 5,000 miles of me again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: gulfport, fl
Posts: 2
Isolation
I can so relate to this topic. My AH has been working AA very hard since October 2008, then in Jan, my mom (who lives 1000 miles away) was diagnosed with cancer - I'm an only child so I've been spending a great deal of time with her. When I had a break in March - he went to the AA meeting and came home drunk., although he was on probation from a DUI and was driving drunk. When I came home this week, he was drunk - and he let in repairman into our house and then he passed out drunk.Told the repairman to just leave when he was done - put our house at risk. Now, after 6 years of on again off again "recovery", I realize that I have so isolated myself that I feel as if I'm in hell. I need to go back to mom's this Saturday, he has jumped back into AA. I can't in good conscience let him drive -- I don"t want him alone in our house. BUT he has no one else because he has isolated himself.
What a mess I've gotten myself into.
What a mess I've gotten myself into.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are totally right in that when I speak about the ex (less and less often) I am wary of not saying the truth.. because I do not want everybody to know he is an abuser.
It is a very sad and lonely place to be.
I will never ever, cease to talk to MY friends and MY family, whatever happens in the future. All the bad times before were worth this lesson.
Its like willingly cutting your life support system
It is a very sad and lonely place to be.
I will never ever, cease to talk to MY friends and MY family, whatever happens in the future. All the bad times before were worth this lesson.
Its like willingly cutting your life support system
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's a control thing with them too, and of course we allow it to happen. But it is insidious in many cases.
Mine kept total control of the money, and could cut it off at any time. My car disappeared, never to be seen again - and I had to beg him to get another vehicle. He then didn't put the paperwork in it - hoping I wouldn't leave since you're not supposed to drive one without that paperwork? Probably.
Suddenly all the PIN numbers for cash cards stopped working, he knew nothing about it.
I was totally uncomfortable leaving him alone with my child, makes it hard to work outside the house (even if you have a vehicle).
Etc. The l lists are endless I'm sure, between all of us here we could fill a forum with them.
Who wants to admit all this to family or friends? What the heck do you say to people?
It's a very bad place to be, but luckily a place none of us has to be at all.
Mine kept total control of the money, and could cut it off at any time. My car disappeared, never to be seen again - and I had to beg him to get another vehicle. He then didn't put the paperwork in it - hoping I wouldn't leave since you're not supposed to drive one without that paperwork? Probably.
Suddenly all the PIN numbers for cash cards stopped working, he knew nothing about it.
I was totally uncomfortable leaving him alone with my child, makes it hard to work outside the house (even if you have a vehicle).
Etc. The l lists are endless I'm sure, between all of us here we could fill a forum with them.
Who wants to admit all this to family or friends? What the heck do you say to people?
It's a very bad place to be, but luckily a place none of us has to be at all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
I can totally relate to this thread, as well. Before I got involved with my AH, I was used to having friends over & doing things with other people, etc. My AH wasn't that big into going out (easier just to drink at home, I guess), and I didn't know many people when I moved to town (about the same time I met him.) Long story short, over the years, I was so wrapped up with him & our life together that I didn't really pursue friendships. Fast forward a few years when I started realizing things were lacking in my life & started making & nourishing friendships. However, by that point, the alcoholism has progressed, and I was embarrassed to invite friends over or to have guests from out of town b/c of his behavior. Since I've been on my own, my friendships have flourished, and I enjoy entertaining at my house again. I feel like piece by piece, I'm growing back into myself again & finally learning, too, what being me really means.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks for the insights. Please keep them coming. It really helps me to hear from others wo have experienced this.
I feel almost ashamed that I allowed myself to get wrapped up in my relationship. I am worried about boundaries in the future, but not sweating it too much right now. I completely lost myself by taking care of him and I did it willingly. He definitely did not want me doing anything without him, which I thought was love. Now I am not so sure. He is doing the same "intensity" thing with OW, so it must be more about him and his attitude than it was "our" immense love. Although, I was thoroughly in love with him. He always questioned this and I never could figure out why. I did everything with him.
I think that is something that hurts or bothers me now, that I devoted so much to him and it was never enough. Now I am putting energy back into my life and keep getting shocked by how far away from myself I got. I really scares me as I didn't recognize it at the time I did it.
Just rambling...
I feel almost ashamed that I allowed myself to get wrapped up in my relationship. I am worried about boundaries in the future, but not sweating it too much right now. I completely lost myself by taking care of him and I did it willingly. He definitely did not want me doing anything without him, which I thought was love. Now I am not so sure. He is doing the same "intensity" thing with OW, so it must be more about him and his attitude than it was "our" immense love. Although, I was thoroughly in love with him. He always questioned this and I never could figure out why. I did everything with him.
I think that is something that hurts or bothers me now, that I devoted so much to him and it was never enough. Now I am putting energy back into my life and keep getting shocked by how far away from myself I got. I really scares me as I didn't recognize it at the time I did it.
Just rambling...
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I didn't isolate because of things XABF did to me - I isolated because I didn't want to be away from my drug of choice - the alcoholic - and he isolated from everyone.
He was addicted to alcohol, as I was addicted to him. My whole world revolved around what kind of day he was having. Whatever I was doing, I was thinking about him, or the relationship - never myself, what I wanted, or what, god forbid, I "allowed" myself to feel.
It took so much time and energy to be responsible for myself and someone else - I spent much of the time with him recovering from exhaustion. To work 13-14 hour days and come home and take care of a 3 year-old in a 30 year-old body left nothing for anyone or anything else.
That life seems so foreign to me now it's hard to imagine I ever did it. At the time I couldn't imagine wanting it any other way...wow. Today, I love my life with me. And honestly, I surprise myself at how I have to keep an organizer to figure out when I have a weekend free!
He was addicted to alcohol, as I was addicted to him. My whole world revolved around what kind of day he was having. Whatever I was doing, I was thinking about him, or the relationship - never myself, what I wanted, or what, god forbid, I "allowed" myself to feel.
It took so much time and energy to be responsible for myself and someone else - I spent much of the time with him recovering from exhaustion. To work 13-14 hour days and come home and take care of a 3 year-old in a 30 year-old body left nothing for anyone or anything else.
That life seems so foreign to me now it's hard to imagine I ever did it. At the time I couldn't imagine wanting it any other way...wow. Today, I love my life with me. And honestly, I surprise myself at how I have to keep an organizer to figure out when I have a weekend free!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I finally arrived at the point that I realized I had enough on my plate to keep me from bothering to see what was going on in AH's life. I realized, deep down inside, that my attention to his addiction was my way of keeping the focus off my own problems. And I have enough problems to keep me occupied.
But I was afraid to face those problems, so he was a convenient excuse to re-direct my attention.
I isolated because I was clinically depressed. I had no energy to engage the rest of the world; I had spent it all on the addict.
Got therapy. Got medication. Got a plan. And stepped way back from the addict. When the temptation to isolate starts to creep up on me, I get involved with other people.
JMO, but my own depression over avoiding my life was what got me to the point of isolation and a sense of hopelessness.
But I was afraid to face those problems, so he was a convenient excuse to re-direct my attention.
I isolated because I was clinically depressed. I had no energy to engage the rest of the world; I had spent it all on the addict.
Got therapy. Got medication. Got a plan. And stepped way back from the addict. When the temptation to isolate starts to creep up on me, I get involved with other people.
JMO, but my own depression over avoiding my life was what got me to the point of isolation and a sense of hopelessness.
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by cagefree 
I didn't isolate because of things XABF did to me - I isolated because I didn't want to be away from my drug of choice - the alcoholic - and he isolated from everyone.
He was addicted to alcohol, as I was addicted to him. My whole world revolved around what kind of day he was having. Whatever I was doing, I was thinking about him, or the relationship - never myself, what I wanted, or what, god forbid, I "allowed" myself to feel.
He was addicted to alcohol, as I was addicted to him. My whole world revolved around what kind of day he was having. Whatever I was doing, I was thinking about him, or the relationship - never myself, what I wanted, or what, god forbid, I "allowed" myself to feel.
And others have isolated from me as well, telling me they're going to "keep their distance" as long as I'm in this relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Cath,
Thanks for sharing. That is pretty incredible that you have such good freinds who will be honest with you about your relationship and their unwillingness to support something they see as unhealthy. Mine didn't say anything. I got looks periodically and people did avoid us on occassion. Didn't see it like that before, but "understand" it now.
You are ahead of the game if you are aware of all of that.
Miss
Thanks for sharing. That is pretty incredible that you have such good freinds who will be honest with you about your relationship and their unwillingness to support something they see as unhealthy. Mine didn't say anything. I got looks periodically and people did avoid us on occassion. Didn't see it like that before, but "understand" it now.
You are ahead of the game if you are aware of all of that.
Miss
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
