adore79

I have come up with a number of character defects that I suffer from but I'm sure I am missing some that I'm not aware I have. I dont plan on doing step 5 with my sponsor so I cant exactly talk with her about them and get help with identifying them. So, how do I identify defects that I am not aware of? Thanks

Astro

Fel, I used Hazelden's Step 4 pamphlet as a guide, it has a fairly extensive listing of character defects that I used throughout my 4th Step. I guess having that list in front of my face helped me to identify them clearly and quickly as I worked on my 4th. You can also Google "list of character defects" and come up with similar lists.

On a sidenote, the speaker I heard last night shared on the 5th Step, and the importance of sharing it with our sponsor. His thought was that it'd help our sponsor when discussing issues in the future with them, if they'd heard our 5th and were able to say "hey, remember when we did your 5th Step and you shared about such & such, blah blah blah"? I'd never thought of that before, but I guess it only makes sense that our sponsor can only help us if we've provided them with the background information.

RufusACanal

Follow the directions on the Fourth Step contained in the Big Book in Chapter Five, "How It Works". This guide will give you all you need to complete the Step; for additional help, read Step Four in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Though you have stated you will not work your completed Fourth Step in the Fifth with your Sponsor, you can still ask questions. Your reasons are yours concerning this matter, but the question begs to be asked, why have a Sponsor who you are unwilling to work with on information and guidance? I have no issue with no working the Fifth Step itself, but your Sponsor can only help you if you are willing, honest and openminded. If the Sponsor is the issue, ask another to guide you through the Steps or overcome the obstacles and move forward with this one. Best to you! R

navysteve

The practice of inventory is something that should continue for a lifetime. You don't have to worry about being rendered pure like the driven snow. They will come out if you continue to practice inventory

The Big Book is all we need to do a thorough and fearless 4th step in my opinion.

adore79

Thanks for the responses, Ive been working on step four for a month now and am anxious to get on with it. I dont think it is going to do any good for me though, nor is step 5. My therapist already knows all there is to know about me, I've told him all my secrets. So, I'm mostly trying to get to step 6 asap. I suppose I could do step 5 with my sponsor and therapist, its just that my therapist is legally bound not to gossip about me, whereas my sponsor isnt.

Thanks for the suggestion to google character defects Scott, I'll do that.

sugErspun

It seems like you want to do a perfect 4th step...which I doubt is really possible for anyone to pull of.

There is stuff that has come up after my first inventory that I probably couldn't handle at the time. I write a prayer on the top of each page when writing that I be shown what I need to see, and put down what needs to be put down. At step 3 I offered my will and life over to god as I understand god. Part of that understanding is that I feel safe and will have everything I need at any given time. Most of all - it was ALL of me, I didn't have any reservations about jumping off. I am not saying that you should or shouldnt do you fifth step with your sponsor ~ but maybe say a prayer and ask...the answer will come.

Most of all, don't overthink the process too much. Just write, and then share. Like steve said, this is a continuing process and when things come up later, you know what to do with them

The first inventory is like cleaning out a garage ~ get rid of the most obvious stuff first and when you get done, that garage will be emptier than it was before. That is what step 4 is about - identifying and discarding.

Music

How do you expect your sponsor to be able to be of service to you if you let her know who you are? You should be talking to her about your 4th step problems, not coming here. I can tell you right now, one of your character defects is PRIDE!!

Pinkcuda

I'd take another stroll through Step 3. Gods will vs. Self will
Gods will demands rigorous honesty and Self Will says that it's OK to toss a veil over the complete truth so only part of it shows.
That's my .02 cents

Astro

You might want to read through this thread too Fel http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-4th-step.html

navysteve

Here is what the Big Book says about taking the 5th step:

we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious conception, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.
If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. It may be one of our own family...
BB page 74


It is perfectly OK to not tell your 5th step to your sponsor. This is your recovery!

It is also perefectly alright to come here and discuss areas of concern with our recovery. This is what we do in AA isn't it?

gravity

Many people in my local program do their 5th step with priests and Elders. I did mine with my sponsor and it does help when new issues in my life come up (he knows where I am coming from). I did have the same feelings you have (can I really trust him to keep what I tell him confidential?) but in my case, this fear was unfounded.

However, I've always viewed my sponsor more as a guide to the steps, not so much as my confidante.

McGowdog

Absofreakenlutely. Do the deal.

tomvlll

Regarding your troubles with 4 and 5:

1) I think it's fairly common that newcomers stress over the possibility of not uncovering some fatal but deep-seated character defect.

As if somehow, if you dug deeply into your past and into your pysche, you'd find out your father called you an idiot back in kindergarten and all your self esteem issues resulted from that. And if you never find that out,you'll be doomed to a life of low self esteem.
I don't think it's like that.

I'm of the opinion if you can't think of a character defect using the Big Book guidelines, it must not be much a defect.

2) It's just a typical alkie BS excuse to put off doing the 4th and 5th Step.
<Like I did >

IO Storm

Okay...Adore..hun.

You are asking how to identify defects you are not aware of? If you have, or believe

in a Higher Power..ask to be shown. Simple.

You need not ask another human being, to do so puts you at risk of human judgement.

Listen to your inner self....write...if you think "there's more."

"More is revealed" ...when we take a break from stressing on a Step and "step away"

a little..and clarity comes, almost naturally. Just let your thoughts flow.

Your answers will come..just trust that they will. And..you can choose anyone you

like to share the 5th with. Well...any other human being, that is.

Hugs, Adore..and good luck!

nelco

I think you got a lot of good responses here. I was told to remember step 4 is not written in red with a note attached saying........this is a terrible step!!
Its written in black just like all the others. If you do step 4 as set out in the big book all will fall into place ...if your honest. your defects will show their faces if you own your part in all your situations in step four. I was amazed at how one step just lead me right into the next. God bless you on your journey.