Osakis

I've distanced myself from my alcoholic brother because I can't cope emotionally with his problems -- there's nothing I can do to help him, and I just drive myself crazy worrying about him when I'm part of his life. Instead, I try to not think about what might be going on with him. However, I find that NOT knowing is also hard. Tonight I'll be going to a high school band concert that his son is participating in. I'm afraid of seeing my bro there -- and afraid of NOT seeing him there.

I feel like a hostage with no hope of ever escaping the anxiety of waiting for the next crisis. I think waiting for the blow is in some ways more difficult than dealing with it when it comes.

Advice?

Freedom1990

There were a couple of tools that I put to good use in my life in dealing with my oldest AD. First of all, I had to limit my contact with her. I very seldom talk with her anymore. The few phone conversations we do have are usually initiated by her, and don't last long. I rarely see her in person. I make it a point not to be 'involved' in her life to much extent.

Every time I would catch myself worrying about her, what she was doing, what the next 'disaster' was going to be, etc etc etc, I would turn it over to my higher power. I'd usually end up taking it back, and I'd turn it over again! I'd do that many times in the course of a day.

As time went on, I found I was getting better about letting go, and leaving it with my higher power.

Today I can honestly say that my life isn't affected by what she does/doesn't do. I'm not plagued by anxiety over her escapades. That isn't to say she doesn't throw a curveball occasionally, but I usually work through it quickly and get back to the business of living my life.

As with any old coping mechanism I've had in life, I've not been willing to let go of it and try something new until it just gets too darned painful!

Barbara52

I too have learned to just let go of any worries that come my way. It doesn't even have to relate to concern about people who addicted.

If I see a potential problem, I analyse it, make decisions about what action, if any, I need to take, and then put it aside. Worry get me no where.

For instance, if you are worried about running into your brother, think about what you want to say, if anything, what action you want to take, if any, and then wait and see. Anticipating troubles, engaging in "what ifs" doesn't do anything other than drive you crazy. If you don't see him, well that's no differnent for you than where you are right this moment. So where's the problem for you?

Learning to let go takes time but it is ever so helpful for mataining one's serenity.

kelsh

I had the same problem but it was too easy to keep my distance since I lived an eight mile drive from him. I hadn't heard from him for three years after my last visit to see him.

He is even further away now but I managed to sell the house & because I had to evict him through my lawyer to find him, I was able to find him so he could sign the paperwork for the contract on the house.

He had been on Methmetaphine & alcohol...I knew he drank but didn't know he used drugs...he rented four bedrooms out in the house for his income & drug use.

He got off the Meth using alcohol but then drank a lot everyday. In August last year he had a heart attack & finally agreed to a medical detox & has been clean & sober since last October...not very long but what counts is that he is trying...I had 20 years of Sobriety on July 10th 2008. My brother has a small camping trailer he is living in at the place where his best friend lives in Oregon...he has 10 years clean & sober.

I love my brother with all my heart but I will not bail him out of jail or give him money....doing the house sale took a lot of my money...I just got the back property taxes paid off...next comes the lawyer...& then the moving expenses. Now I have to figure out how to add the $800 payments up to pay me back...we will be getting a big balloon payment in 2011 so my brother & I should each have what is owed us then. I put the payments in my savings account so it doesn't get mixed in with my checking account.

Family is hard to deal with when other problems exist. Our Mom died in 1996 & our Dad died in 2000. They were in their 80's so had a good life together.

kelsh

GiveLove

Osakis,

I'd suggest you write a script for yourself.

1) If I don't see brother at all, I'll do X.
2) If I see brother, I will be as pleasant as I can muster. If he:
a) Asks for money, I'll do X
b) Criticizes me, I'll walk away
c) Asks me why I'm avoiding him, I'll tell him X

Etc.

Half the problem with "waiting until the hammer drops" is not knowing what I'll do when it does.

And as for this:
Definitely. But since you don't know if, when, or how that "blow" might fall, you can't just deal with it. You HAVE to find ways to lessen the stress along the way (no contact, scripts, relaxation exercises, whatever it takes) or you will drive yourself nuts.

I wish you didn't have to face the possibility of seeing him at all, but if that's not an option, having a plan and an escape route is the thing that may lower your blood pressure about this. Wishing you luck!

Osakis

I should clarify that my brother is never unpleasant or hurtful. He doesn't ask for money unless he's really desperate (he's been out of work for several months). I almost wish my brother was more like many of the alcoholics described on this board - abrasive and difficult. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty about distancing myself from him. My brother is just sad and lost, and I can't help him, and that breaks my heart.

Freedom1990

Do you believe in God or a higher power at all?

Spiritual Seeker

I prefer to have contact, although minimally.
When my son was active in his addiction, I'd take him out for a meal once a mo. or so
and just enjoy the parts of him that aren't the addict. Just stay connected and let him know that someone cared about and loved him.
I didn't give him any opportunities to take advantage and like your brother my son is never abusive. Even as an addict he is loving, pleasant + fun to be around. Sometimes I saw him with no agenda except to have a few hrs. together and keep the relationship alive. I did it as much for myself as for him.

When he hit a bottom he ultimately let me help him get into a treatment ctr. at my suggestion. He always knew I cared and would be there when he was ready to work on getting well.

If you see your bro, just say "it is nice to see you" and maybe it will be.