Rose56

I am brimming over with feelings this morning. I feel sad, afraid, unloved, uncared for. I have been keeping these feelings at bay with activity, distractions, and over eating. This morning they all come rushing forward.

I am mad. I have been avoiding confronting my AH in the past few months as it does no good, and only gets my anger stirred up and spilling over. This morning I lost that battle and confronted him. The result is what I expected, nothing beneficial. The result is that I am stirred up, filled with anger, sadness.

I think it stinks that the sicker the alcoholic the crazier we become. This is so unfair. I have been working my program, going to meetings, reading, trying to work the steps. Ok, so I haven't gotten a sponsor yet, I am planning to. I am trying, please believe me that I am trying.

OK, I am telling myself that just because I am filled with negative emotions, this doesn't mean I am not getting better. Right?

Ok I know I have been saying that I am close to ending this mixed up relationship, and you all are likely thinking just leave him already. I am trying. My counselor says that people make a change when it is more painful to stay than to change. Well this morning I am feeling the pain.

four812

good job rose,

good job feeling the uncomfortable feelings and knowing that growth IS happening even when it don't feel like it because it don't feel good or even close to good, and when it feels the exact oppostite of good.

keep up the good work

Barbara52

Absolutely! You are feeling your emotions now where you weren't before. That is progress indeed.

I found that it worked for me to let those feelings out, to experience and accept them, and then I could begin to move beyond them. Trying to pretend they didn't exist only led to more pain down the road for me. I could not then, and do not want to now, try to keep my emotions at bay because that only means they hit me when I least expect them. I have also found that when I am best able to deal with something, that it when it starts being felt more fully.

blessed4x

((((hugs)))).....my morning (mourning if you will), has been filled with tears as well. I want you to know that so far as getting out of the relationship, you will know when you know. People kept telling me that and I was getting so frustrated, wondering how long I would be sentenced to the same thing day after day.

So, finally after revising the petition and parenting plan, today I am filing. It hurts, and it feels good. If it is really what you want, you can get there too. I try to focus on all of the things that will be good and true in my life once I get through the logistics of it all. But so far as that panic, anxiety feeling we get that something must be done and now.....my counselor says that's full blown codependency. She assured me that everything unfolds exactly as it should in just the right time, and we must stay in the here and now with what we can do about. Never a bad thing to dream of good things to come though......

Kindeyes

Rose
It is so true. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, that's when it's time. For some, that time never comes. For others, it comes quickly. In a way, it's like grieving......each person has their own timeline and no one can tell them to "get over it" or "leave him".

I've been dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction in my life for 30 years (since I was 20). First, being married to a drug user/alcoholic (I divorced him 25 years ago).......and years later, dealing with the same thing with my son.....the product of that marriage. I didn't begin MY recovery until about 3 or 4 years ago though! And I still have slip ups. I still feel like I take ten steps forward and two steps back every now and then.

This may sound very strange....but in a way......dealing with the issue of addiction with loved ones has made me a better, stronger person. Without them in my life, I may never have made this journey to know and understand myself.

Take care of yourself today......love yourself.

gentle hugs

Rose56

I am making it through this day. Had another talk with AH, he just doesn't get it. The words of Elton John come to mind (or did Bernie Taupin write these words?)


Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word – Elton John

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I gotta do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Chorus:
It's sad, its so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
*Oh, it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Chorus

What do I do to make you love me
What have I gotta do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me

Rose56

You know I get that, I hadn't "talked" to him about how I felt about his drinking etc in weeks and weeks, because I knew it didn't go anywhere. But I wasn't taking any action either. Just letting things go, building up anger and sadness. Yep, maybe its high time for action.
Lord, help me to be up to the task of taking care of myself in this relationship whatever that means. Give me courage to move forward, to risk making a mistake, to risk happiness. I have tried hard enough, I have truly done everything I could think of to make this work. Let me be open to seeing the action I need to take, and give me the courage to follow through. Amen

GiveLove

I think we should vote this the Codependent National Anthem No offense intended, rose, but this song talks about how we get INTO these messes in the first place: thinking there's something we ought to be able to say or do that will magically get through the alcoholic's armor and make everything all better again.

There isn't. There is only self-love, self-protection, self-direction.
Today, I love me more than I've ever loved a guy. I hope you will find your way back to that space soon.

There is no relationship on the planet that's worth the suffering you're going through. Here's a song of my own: (you started it! )

That's Not Love (by Keb' Mo')

It ain't you
No it ain't me
That's not the way
Love's supposed to be

And it's just no good
No it ain't right
For you to be sitting all alone
Crying every night

You're down on your knees
Scared he's gonna leave
But if you really wanna know
You're gonna have to let go

´Cause that's not love
Love don't feel that bad
That's not love
It don't feel that sad
No that's not love
'Cause you don't feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But that's not love

Inside your heart
It's always raining
And you're oh so tired
Tired of your own complaining

This is for real
It ain't no game
You can't measure your love
By the depths of your pain

Here he is doing it on YouTube.....I watch it when I seem close to forgetting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIwtzsvaVIM

Barbara52

That is one of my all time favorite songs anvilhead! I sing it with great gusto in the car anytime it comes on the radio.

Barbara52

OMG! I hadn't clicked on the video before. That poor thing! Just when she gets her strut going big time too!

Rose56

Good Morning friends,
Thanks Give Love, you are right on about the EJ song, ah the mess that runs about in my brain. I love the song by Keb Mo, going out today to buy a CD. I need to reprogram my thoughts. I really liked him. Yes, I need to love myself more. I was watching the Sex in the City movie again the other day, and the Kim C character (I can't remember her name) says to her guy:"I'm going to say what your not supposed to say. I love you, but I love me more." As the relationship is just not working for her. Anyway, I get your point. I promise you, and myself that I am working toward loving me more. I believe I am very close.

Anvil, OMG, I am laughing so hard! That is the best song, and I love the video. So laughter today, that's pretty good.

I went to bed last night at 7pm and slept through to 6:15 this morning. I was wiped out yesterday from all that emotion. Today I am doing something good for myself: I am going to join a local Wellness center (gym), I already belong to a gym where I work. But I need somewhere to go when I am at home. I can swim there, take classes, and feel like a princess! I am also going to Kohl's to buy some bras!!!!!! Whopee. Also, attending an Alanon meeting tonight. I might even get a sponsor today.

Thanks for being there for me when I really needed you.

Rose56

So we talked this morning. I say we have no relationship because you don't adjust your behavior based on what I like and don't like. I make choices based on what is good for us, you make choices based on what is good for you. He says I am going to do what I want. I have been beaten down for 25 years, with you telling me how I fall short of what you want. He says he doesn't want to talk anymore, it doesn't make him feel better, it just makes him feel more distant from me. I say we haven't talked in weeks, how much more distant can we get. He says he doesn't have any magic words. I say if you don't have any magic words then just leave. If there is no relationship, then just leave.

I walk away, he says lets do this in a civilized way, I need time. I say take whatever time you need. He leaves to go on a walk.

So we have danced this dance many times, but this time it feels close to happening.

I feel mild panic, like someone is slowly cutting off my right arm. I am comfortable with that arm, I know what to expect. I want more than anything to be held in his arms and comforted. But the comfort will be false. I feel deep disappointment, and failure. I feel the fairy story, happily ever after fading away.........

What I really want is for everything to shift, and for us both to be so madly in love that all our differences fade away. And back here on planet earth, I want to feel peaceful, hopeful, empowered.

Time will tell, may I have the courage to love myself more.