JerseyGirl

I was going to my weekly al-anon meetings (though not 100% buying into it, sorry to confess, yet made some good friends) and things seemed to be going well with ABF - so long as I did not look beyond the surface. He was sober (a/k/a not drinking alcohol, but I was suppose to turn a blind eye to his continued pot use) and starting up a new business so life was hectic.

Until, last Monday, when it it came into focus how much he had been absolutely using me and I was letting it happen. I put my foot down, refused to be taken advantage of one moment longer, and when he saw how serious I was.....I was no longer a necessary part of his life. Have not seen him since.

That is the short version.....getting ready to type out the long version but just needed to get the ball rolling.

JerseyGirl

OK, so my long version is more like this.

When I met XABF this summer, he was almost 2 years sober, was involved in meetings, but the disease did not seem to play a forefront in our lives. We dated very casually, and after a month or so he got serious about someone else and we drifted apart. Well, I should have known then that he was so capable of lying - he told me he was going back to the girl he had been dating pretty seriously before he met me - when the truth turned out to be that he met some girl on MySpace. Why lie? It was casual, why did it matter? I guess he has a pattern of lying.

Anyway, when I met him over the summer, he told me he had lost his drivers license for 10 years - 5 years earlier. He told me this while HE was driving us to the beach for the day, down a busy highway. His boss had used car dealer plates and he let XABF use various cars.

Anyway, after that, I always drove....until Miss MySpace came into the picture, and we parted ways for a bit

About a month later he is back in contact with me. He moved out of his mom's house, got an apartment, why don;t I come see it, he is not with his ex anymore (he fails to tell me Miss MySpace exists). I get there, he confesses he has started drinking.

Why did I not run?

*sigh*

So, I got pulled into this drama - because apparently he has gotten this apartment intending that Miss MySpace - also "sober" in AA is moving in with him. Except she was secretly drinking - and then openly drinking - and then he was drinking with her. They fight, she goes home to her mom, drinks herself into a coma, ends up in the hospital. They break up.

I am still around, only as a friend, offering to help him find a detox. It all got pretty messed up, I wound up calling his sponsor and walking away. A month later, claiming he was sober, he calls to tell me I can pick up stuff I left at his apartment - get there, he is having seizures from drinking.

So, round 2, this time we manage to actually get him detoxed successfully. But, by the time he sobers up, he has lost his job that he failed to go to for a few weeks. Loses his apartment, moves back in with his mom.

We begin dating at this point. Well, that is what I thought we were doing, but in retrospect, it all seems to be a bunch of BS.

Why? He had a need that I could fill. I was weak, and let it happen.

See, it turns out I have a spare car - it was my mom's before she gave up her license, fairly cheap to insure s a 2nd car, and got good gas milage for long trips as compared to my SUV, but it was often unused.

One night, soon after he was sober, he asked if he could use it late one night just to drive home to his mom's, and he would be back early the next morning. It is about 1 mile each way.

I. Was. Stupid.

I said ok. I was tired, I had seen him drive other cars (when he had his old job) before, I let it happen.

But, oddly, it just kept happening. He kept the keys, he kept using it, we never really had a conversation about it. He was looking for work, and did say having a car was "saving him" allowing him to get around for interviews and such....and I stupidly felt guilty over taking the car away.

Yes, I realize the risk I was taking, I lost plenty of sleep over it, but between wanting to make things work with him, trying to prove I trusted him, and not wanting to upset his new found sobriety.....I never took my keys back. He was using it to get to jobs/interviews, he was using it to get to AA meetings, and he was using it to come see me.

So, months pass. We don;t talk about it much, except that I made it VERY clear to him that my one hard and fast rule was I absolutely did not want him smoking in the car - ever. I do not smoke, and I am unemployed myself right now, so there is a chance I might need to sell this 2nd car for $$ reasons. He promised me he was not.

So, things went along. Things seemed good, though in retrospect, things were very surfacey. He was working to stay sober, and trying to start a business. I was looking for work, going to my al-anon meetings, and stupidly thinking I was building some sort of relationship with him

So, some small stuff was going on - not worth typing out - but I wound up at the shop he was working on opening last Monday to get something from the car - MY car - that he had been driving exclusively for almost 5 months.

I get inside - and it stinks horribly of smoke, the interior is covered with ashes. I was furious.

So, we got into an argument. He offered no apology, just told me I was over reacting and he would get it detailed (which does NOT remove the odor), but was just plain nasty to me. Started with name calling, telling me to leave his property.

So, I did. In MY car. Got my keys from him, and left.

I have sent him an email - saying my greatest fear was that all along the past months, the only reason he was "with" me was so he could have access to a car. I was solely a means to an end. And that his smoking in the car - my one and only request (he did not contribute toward insurance payments, nothing) - was totally disregarded was a slap in the face to me.

I have heard nothing back from him. Nothing.

I cleaned the car, scrubbed it. As I would run wipes into the little crannies around the ashtray, cup holders, etc....it was coming out covered with little green leaves - pot.

So, not only was he smoking cigarettes in my car the entire time, he was smoking pot in there as well. Something he knows I am TOTALLY against.

And yeah, I know I should never have let it get started, should never have let it get this out of hand....but I felt as though I was falling in love with him, and I did not want him to think I distrusted him.

Now - I feel totally used and taken advantage of. Funny, as soon as I take the car, MY car, "we" are over. I guess "we" never really existed.

So, not only have I spent the last week crying over the loss of this relationship that was never what I thought.....but I have also been feeling GUILTY that he has no method of transportation. Luckily, the shop he is opening is less than 2 miles from where he is staying and he can walk it, but the other night it was raining heavily and I was feeling horrible over having 2 cars parked in my driveway knowing he would have to walk home in the rain.

How warped am I?

baileyboop

So, I take it you have your car back in your possession? Once you have that accomplished, you will have no need to contact him unless you choose to do so....If he contacts you, then you can choose to accept that contact or ignore it. It appears to me that he has demostrated that he has no respect for you or your wishes. Unfortunately, it appears you have allowed yourself to be used. I'm pretty fond of an old saying that goes kinda like this...."If it happens once..shame on you. If it happens twice...shame on me." I guess where I am going with this is are you going to let this happen twice? My experience in dealing with my XA is that I actually gave him permission to treat me badly by allowing the same thing over and over. Hugs to you wishing for you some peace of mind and clarification in this matter.

anubus

Sweetie, it isn't you....you aren't "warped" at all :ghug

I'm not really one to give advise, and I'm sure the more experienced posters will be along shortly with better replies.

But I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with your situation!! I did the same thing as you.....gave my ABF a spare car to drive, to get back & forth to work......God only knows what he did in it....lol. Not only did I give him a car, but supported him for about 3 years off & on. It's easy to do this kind of thing when we are in love. Not smart, but easy, and human. Don't be too hard on yourself!! Just learn from your mistakes.

And I can relate to the "feeling sorry" about him walking in bad weather, too!! Not too long ago, I took the car off ABF, then it snowed really bad and I couldn't sleep thinking about him walking to work (graveyard shift).....phoned him the next day & gave him the car back.....:codiepolice

Sorry you are having a tough time, I hope things work out.

JerseyGirl

Yes, I have the car in my possession, since last Monday when I took it back. Have not seen or heard from him since.

If he were back in touch (which seems unlikely) I don't know exactly how I would react, but I can tell you the car will remain firmly in my possession. So, my gut feeling is that if he were to contact me, and realized that there was no way in hell he was getting car keys from me, he would keep going...

You know, months ago, he told me his MOTHER accused him of being a womanizer.

Sometimes, mother really DOES know best.

Freedom1990

I hope you continue to attend your Alanon meetings. Sometimes we have to stay out in that thorny brier patch a long time and get cut up pretty good before the blinders come off and we see things for what they really are.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

MissFixit

Just in our state, when someone loses their driver's liecense for 10 years, that means they are a habitual offender. They are not safe on the streets and the court knows this, thus removes their driving priviledges. Also, priviledges are actually PERMANENTLY removed. The offender can "re-apply" to the court and DMV after 10 years, but are not guaranteed it back unless they can prove they are sober. A while back, I read our state codes on this as I was dealing with a similar type man.

Barbara52

I hope you find the strength to ignore any contact he may make. If he does, make sure you play the tape all the way through and remember how he has been using you you. You don't need this sort of man in your life. No one does.

naive

jerseygirl-

it is not a good idea to let someone without a license drive your car while smoking pot.

alcoholics will take advantage of you and say just about anything to get what they want.

if it makes you feel any better, i let mine use my car for 4 years and paid the insurance, tax and even his fines! now that i'm broke, i have mentioned selling my car to him, to get some cash to eat essentially.

he screams at me when i suggest this, saying it's all about me, my stuff and that i'm trying to manipulate him with the car.

the reality is that i am totally broke and need the money. i think it's weird...if someone let me use their car whenever i wanted, i would feel grateful. i certainly wouldn't yell at them when they wanted their car back!

just remember, they will twist everything so that it's our fault.

Kindeyes

jerseygirl
You are not warped....you are just like the rest of us. You are a kind, loving person. The kind of person that an addict/alcoholic seeks out. They NEED people like us. They are like vampires.....they suck the life out of us but we are (for some reason) intrigued by them. It's a difficult and confusing dynamic.

Unfortunately, we are the only ones who can save ourselves.

gentle hugs

JerseyGirl

How very true......

Thank you all

Still Waters

Vampires. LOL. Yes, that's a good description.

JerseyGirl - lesson learned, none of this crap happens for no reason, I like to think that it's a life lesson, and one we never need to repeat again.

Paintbaby

My exAB ALWAYS made me feel as if there was MORE I should have done for him, no matter how much I already gave---shelter( he lived with me but rarely contributed to bills or groceries), money, the use of my bicycle to get to his job as a window cleaner(which he says was stolen during one of our seperations, but who knows--and he never replaced it or felt he had to), acting as his taxi because he had lost his liscence for a DUI. He even wanted me to get an extra 25 000$ when I got my mortgage, so that he could pay off his credit card debts( which had NOTHING to do with me)...the list goes on and on.

Isn't it amazing the absolute sense of ENTITLEMENT these parasites have? It is truly amazing how they actually expect us to take responsibility for THEIR well-being. Absolutley NO sense of self-responsibility whatsoever. I often thought about my ex, whose favorite refrain seemed to be "It's the LEAST you could do!" , "Aren't you embarrassed YET?" (meaning HE should be the one to be embarrassed for being so openly parasitic and wholeheartedly taking advantage of my generosity)

These people have no conscience, but always have their hand out for MORE. Good for you for taking back what is yours, Jersey Girl. You are not obligated to take care of a physically capable adult. His life choices got him exactly where he is. Sounds like a few good long walks, now that he is no longer using your wheels, may give him a chance to do a bit of deep thinking, which is CLEARLY needed! Or, maybe not. Either way, it is not your problem. Stay strong.