angry at his relapse
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NY
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angry at his relapse
so i'm new to this...i've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. he is a dope addict...it started with pain pills and progressed... i didnt know it was more than pills till december... on new years eve he went to detox and was clean till yesterday when he relapsed... i left him my debit card because i didn't have time to go to the bank before work and he took money and relapsed.... i knew something was up when he said he needed to talk when i got home... when i got home around midnight he was high and a mess.... he was honest with me, told me he f'd up and was sorry.... he sat there and cried to me and all i could do was be mad... why am i so mad... i know why i'm mad... but how do i deal with this... how do i help him, but not enable him... need some advice...
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 4
he's not working... he's in sparc... he goes to group 3 times a week and he's in a suboxone program... he says they tell him he needs to focus on himself before he starts to take on a job, etc. he's been working on our house...doing remodeling etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd suggest you set some boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable to you, and what are the consequences if he steps across those boundaries. It doesn't sound to me like he's too serious about staying clean with group support, suboxone, and he still chose to use.
What do you want for yourself out of life?
This may be as good as it's ever going to get with him.
What do you want for yourself out of life?
This may be as good as it's ever going to get with him.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
First thing i would do is stop calling him "my fiance" you dont want to marry into that so i would put that on hold immediately.
i always wonder when the addict says that they are told not to work - that just goes against any concept of recovery in my eyes. they're supposed to be getting their lives back on track not continuing the bum lifestyle. If he is so emotionally and physically devestated that he cant work i would think he needed to be in an inpatient program.
i always wonder when the addict says that they are told not to work - that just goes against any concept of recovery in my eyes. they're supposed to be getting their lives back on track not continuing the bum lifestyle. If he is so emotionally and physically devestated that he cant work i would think he needed to be in an inpatient program.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
I agree with Winnie. Not working allows the addict to have tooo much time on their hands. Getting back into the real world is the only way to except and acknowlegde that the world doesn't stop because of their addiction. RUN
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Ally)))
I'm a recovering addict. I have to agree with ((Winnie)) about the "not working" thing. In a perfect world, we A's (addicts) could sit around and focus on our recovery. I don't know many of us that live in a perfect world.
I have responsibilities and bills to pay. I relapsed a little over 2 years ago. I had lost my job and was looking for another one in 4 days (my DOC is crack, so no withdrawals). A HUGE part of my recovery is dealing with life, and staying clean. I have to learn to deal with life, and being "protected" from life, is not going to do me any good.
That being said, I do understand your anger, but where do you go from here? I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I know BOTH sides of addiction. You need to realize, sweetie, that this may be your life from now on, and it can get a LOT worse, and fast.
We talk about the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't change it. All you can focus on is you...what you will accept.
FWIW, I was allowed to live at home with my dad/stepmom after I relapsed, but I had "rules"...don't use, get a job, pay rent and bills were the big ones. One slip...I was out. This was after my relapse. Yes, I was allowed to stay after the relapse, only because I had been doing all of the above for over a year. It was all about my actions..talk is cheap when it comes to an addict.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict. I have to agree with ((Winnie)) about the "not working" thing. In a perfect world, we A's (addicts) could sit around and focus on our recovery. I don't know many of us that live in a perfect world.
I have responsibilities and bills to pay. I relapsed a little over 2 years ago. I had lost my job and was looking for another one in 4 days (my DOC is crack, so no withdrawals). A HUGE part of my recovery is dealing with life, and staying clean. I have to learn to deal with life, and being "protected" from life, is not going to do me any good.
That being said, I do understand your anger, but where do you go from here? I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I know BOTH sides of addiction. You need to realize, sweetie, that this may be your life from now on, and it can get a LOT worse, and fast.
We talk about the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't change it. All you can focus on is you...what you will accept.
FWIW, I was allowed to live at home with my dad/stepmom after I relapsed, but I had "rules"...don't use, get a job, pay rent and bills were the big ones. One slip...I was out. This was after my relapse. Yes, I was allowed to stay after the relapse, only because I had been doing all of the above for over a year. It was all about my actions..talk is cheap when it comes to an addict.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by allycat1700 
so i'm new to this...i've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. he is a dope addict...it started with pain pills and progressed... i didnt know it was more than pills till december... on new years eve he went to detox and was clean till yesterday when he relapsed... i left him my debit card because i didn't have time to go to the bank before work and he took money and relapsed.... i knew something was up when he said he needed to talk when i got home... when i got home around midnight he was high and a mess.... he was honest with me, told me he f'd up and was sorry.... he sat there and cried to me and all i could do was be mad... why am i so mad... i know why i'm mad... but how do i deal with this... how do i help him, but not enable him... need some advice...
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
no work and focus on recovery? get real, anyone sponsoring that I have ever met in recovery suggests "getting a job!!!" especially if it is one that provides a little humility.
"he took money" translates as he "stole money from me for drugs"
if he is not working then I assume you are providing shelter and food? that is enabling
I suppose you have an arrangement that his "remodeling labor" pays for "room and board"?
that is a very common story in this sort of circumstance
listen to the same question being repeated, is this what you want for your life ahead?
"he took money" translates as he "stole money from me for drugs"
if he is not working then I assume you are providing shelter and food? that is enabling
I suppose you have an arrangement that his "remodeling labor" pays for "room and board"?
that is a very common story in this sort of circumstance
listen to the same question being repeated, is this what you want for your life ahead?
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