Xana

guys I am new here, but i read the forums and I think you do a really good job helping others understand addictions.

Recently (about 2 weeks months ago) i found out that my boyfriend was using crack!!!! We've been together for 8 years now, 3 of those in a long-distance relationship. We never had drug problems, he used to use marijuana, and i must admit that that didn't bother me. As far as i know in the beggining of the year he started using crack, he did for 2 months, and according to him it wasn't everyday. Apparently he "hit bottom" and decided to check himself into rehab (that's when i found out what was happening) because he was afraid of me leaving him, and also he was afraid of dieing!!!

I love him like crazy, can't imagine my life withou him, but at the same time i don't know if i will be able to handle the life with an addict. Right know i am afraid that instead of helping him, i am hurting him more becase i don't know what to say, what to do, i wanna show him that he can count on me always, that i will love him regardless, but i don't know how to do that!!

Like i wanna let him know that i'm dissapointing on him but at the same time i don't want to sound mean. like everytime i talk to him he sounds so sad, like he says he cries almost everyday thinking about the stupid choices he made (we were supposed to get married in June, but apparently by then we will still be in rehab so no wedding).

Can someone pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee tell me what should i do, and what shouldn't do to help him?

Hammerhead

Oy! Please concentrate on yourself. How much is he showing you that you can always count on him? Love him regardless? maybe now. Please know that you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.... that's how to do that! Don't worry about sounding "mean" when you're involved with an addict you HAVE to be selfish... and self-centered... if you don't - you are on the same roller coaster they're on and when a healthy person jumps on that roller coaster... well... hello codie. That's when the real fun starts. Forgive me for being cynical :sorry but being with him 8 years (3 long distance) You didn't see ANY signs before he went into rehab?

Xana

No i didn't see it coming, nobody did..... he was in graduate school finishing his master's, he had a job, we were about to reunite and then this happend. We can understand why, me and his parents couldn't believe when he called and asked for help, i thought it was a joke until his counselor called and talked to me!!!

Joeyboy

well, Sounds like there isn't going to be a wedding in June. Thank goodness. Crack is a bad drug. It's very addicting, and it is horrible for his health. Besides that, if your not married, and tied down to this guy for life, why would you want to tie yourself to someone with a horrible addiction. If I were you I wouldn't think of marrying someone with that kind of addiction. You will set your self up for a lifetime of pain and suffering. You can't fix him, and you can't stop him from using or relapsing. If he should relapse, it isn't your fault. Addiction is a recurring disease, that is subject to relapse. Move on while your young and find your self a guy with an education, who is working, studying, and trying to build a future for himself. Do you really need to take on a crack head? Your not going to change him, or save him. Only he can do that.

Freedom1990

I would strongly suggest you find Naranon (for loved ones of addicts) or Alanon in your area (Alanon tends to be more widely available) and start attending for yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on to educate yourself on addiction.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book to read. When you said you knew he smoked pot but that was no big deal, a red flag went up for me. There were a lot of behaviors I excused with my EXAH too, and my bar of standards was so low at the end, no one could limbo under it.

If you're determined to stick it out with him, fasten your seatbelt because it's going to be a bumpy ride at minimum. There's no guarantee he's going to stay in recovery, and chances are he's not been truthful about how long he's been using either.

The further you get into it, the harder it will be to get back out, guaranteed.

You need to stay out of his recovery, and get into your own 'program' so to speak of.

bluejay6

can he count on you when he disappears for days or weeks at a time? can he count on you when he steals from you for drug money? can he count on you when he has crack sex? can he count on you when you have his baby and he does not show up for the delivery?

just be very cautious about using terms like "i'll support him totally and always be there for him no matter what."

think hard about what your terms are and make them clear to him and DO NOT compromise on them no matter how many sob stories from him.

addicts cry....for their screwed up lives. and because they don't want to face life without their drugs.

if you think he is crying about the cancelled wedding, you will need to read good and deep about addiction.

do be careful and please do go to a meeting for yourself and get some brochures. they pack a lot of good info in those brochures that will be real eye-openers.

i agree......he has likely been using far longer and way more than he told you.

do take good care of yourself and don't believe anything he says for a long long time. watch behavior instead.

greeteachday

No use repeating this wise advice with other words. My daughters were the addicts in my life. It wasn't until I started working a program of recovery for me by reading and posting here, learning about addiction and codependency and going to Naranon and working that program that I started making major positive changes in my life.
This is an excellent time for you to begin that journey while he is in rehab. Stay in today and work on yourself...In time the rest will work out and you will know what is best.

By the way, I know you are disappointed,and I appreciate your question about how to say that or whether to say that. Addiction, IMO is a disease...I doubt your boyfriend decided he wanted to become an addict. Understanding that helped me to stop passing judgment on the addict and shift the focus back to me...my actions and reactions and what I could change. When I defined what was acceptable to me by establishing healthy boundaries instead of passing judgment, things got better for all of us. Hugs

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome.

Healthy love has boundaries. What are yours? Will you love him if he decides crack is more important that you? What about if he lies? What about if he steals from you? Steals from your family? What about if he disappears for days on end without a word? What if he ends up in prison? What if he cheats? If he contracts an STD?

Because those are real possibilities when you are in a relationship with a crack addict. It's no joke. It's not romantic. Being an addict in recovery is hard work for the rest of his life. Being in love with an addict is hard work for the rest of your life.

If your BF is in recovery I think thats great. I suggest you check out some Alanon and naranon meetings and research crack addiction, recovery and codependency so you can be realistic about what to expect from him in the future and what you can do to prepare yourself for the future.

winnie12

Really??? there's nothing he could do to make you stop loving him? think about what you're saying with those words. Basically you've just said that you will be his doormat no matter what he does. So if he beat you, stole from you, slept with your sister - you would still love him? I'm not saying he's going to do that but you must have boundaries with everyone because if you dont expect respect then no one will give it to you.

Take it from an ol' lady - love can die - people can go too far - there are limits to what you should tolerate for the sake of love and most importantly there are lots of good men out there who dont use crack and will treat you with dignity and respect. If you have any chance of surviving this or any relationship then you would do yourself and him a huge benefit if you said there are things you wont tolerate. Crack is an angry all consuming drug that steals love and life - if you tell him that you will love him unconditionally then you are giving him permission to continue on that path of destruction.

If you want to be the wife of a crack head then all i can say is you better start reading here and hittin some meetings because darlin you're going to need all the help you can get. If his own self-instinct at survival is so damaged that he is using then why would you think he is going to ever treat you any differently?

sorry if that was harsh - i'm angry at drugs today.

allycat1700

i'm in the same boat as you, but with dope...we've been engaged for 2+ years...i work 60-80 hours a week... i have no idea what goes on when i'm not around... he was clean 89 days and relapsed yesterday... i question myself everyday if this is the life i want... then we'll have a good day/week/month... i just don't know... i'm hoping to start my own recovery to see if this is what i want for the rest of my life... hope you know you're not alone...
<3

noonereal

Yes. Leave him.

Easy answer intellectually but tough to do emotionally.

Good luck.

Windmills

Get out while you've got no children to him. You can't possibly 'love him regardless'- what about if he hits you, if he goes out to score while you're giving birth, if he threatens you with a knife, if he steals your money and possessions, if you have kids and he steals and sells their Xmas presents and then empties your account a week before Xmas? It's all realistic- all a little part of things I've experienced while living with an addict who I would 'always love and support'. I thought he was the most amazing man in the world, that we would be together forever. I took whatever **** he dealt me and just kept hoping he'd change. Now I've opened my eyes I can see he's a lying, cheating, violent bully. it's painful and it's so difficult, but this man isn't capable of making me happy. His addiction and abuse have turned me into an empty shell. I'm starting to try to claw things back together now. You should attend a NarAnon meeting. I do FA because there is no NarAnon in the uk that I'm aware of!
Love isn't enough to get him recovered. Also, like everyone else said, he's very unlikely to have hit bottom in 3 months of occasional use. He's lying, one way or another.

lesliej

my ex has family long distance
until I finally decided I had enough I watched him for two years slowly lose parts of his life to his sporadic relapses with crack, its a horrible drug.

the whole time he would lie, try to save face and hold up his mask that he was doing okay

he lost his masters program a year and a half ago but he STILL uses it as part of his "mask" his family constantly asks how it is going? doesn't time start to play a role in giving long distant people a clue about reality?

if any of you were to ask this struggling addicts family or long distance friends how he was doing they would tell you about his job and his masters program...

just sayin'

read everything you can, and do everything you can to get yourself a program of support
you won't make the decision to leave until you make the decision to leave
how your life unfolds in the meantime will depend upon your own self awareness
if someone uses crack they use lies. you don't get one without the other until their recovery is deep, strong and longterm

lesliej

ps...his family knows about his relapses too (not ALL of them) but they don't know how much it has affected his life.

they loved me, but I am sure that they don't know "why" I left

wuzzled

Wish I would have know all these things 20 years ago when I began a relationship with, and married an addict. He had been clean for 3 years before I met him. Relapse does happen! And when it does, this is your life! Not saying relapse WILL happen, just saying is this a gamble you are willing to take??