Every time I turn around--
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Every time I turn around--
Every time I turn around--
There is another active drug addict in my life, messing with my serenity in recovery. I was away this weekend with my kids, thank goodness. But when I returned, all heck had broken lose within my family. My father celebrated his birthday and my many siblings and their spouses and kids were all there, except me.
One of the brothers-in-law, T., is in active addiction. I discovered this and advised my sis. Z. about it over the summer, then stayed out of it. He has even stolen my dad's pain pills a couple of times.
T's chronically unemployed, and his driving record is so bad that everybody in the family has been advised by our long-term insurer that he isn't covered under any of our policies, so nobody can lend him cars. All he does all day is surf the net while his 2 preschool-age kids run wild.
My sis, his wife Z., has a doctorate in Poly-sci and keeps the household afloat all by herself, financially and every other way. She has never dated anyone else in her whole life, and says she doesn't believe that her situation is abnormal (denial). But nobody can tell her anything, so I try not to meddle.
One of my boundaries I have in my recovery is that I don't have people around me if they are in active addiction. But T. is at every family function I attend, so I just so far have ignored him, though I do feel uncomfortable when I can tell he is high (he gets very irritable coming down). T. screamed at me on Christmas when I tried to help with his son, who had fallen down, and I walked out of the room rather than get into it with him.
But the other day at my dads' party, he said some very mean things to another sis, J., insulting her. badly. J. left the party in tears.
Another sis, D. (I have lots of 'em) who overheard his remarks, left with her, as did J's adult kids. Her husband had to be stopped from going over to strike him he was so upset.
My Mom is exhorting me to get involved and "make peace" among my younger sibs (I am oldest). I don't think that I can do that. My sympathies are with my sister J, and I told her that I would no longer have T over to my home unless and until he is clean of drugs and apologizes.
J. has already decided that she won't have him at her home anymore. His wife and kids are welcome, though. My mom is saying that if we have this rule, she won't ever come to any gatherings at our homes either. She says that because our sister chose him, we are all bound to accept her choice and welcome him in our homes. I just don't know about that. I love my family, but I don't want T. around me right now. Not while he is getting high all the time. I don't want him near my son either. Am I being unreasonable? My mom says she is surprised I am so stubborn about this. I used to be the family push-over.
KJ
There is another active drug addict in my life, messing with my serenity in recovery. I was away this weekend with my kids, thank goodness. But when I returned, all heck had broken lose within my family. My father celebrated his birthday and my many siblings and their spouses and kids were all there, except me.
One of the brothers-in-law, T., is in active addiction. I discovered this and advised my sis. Z. about it over the summer, then stayed out of it. He has even stolen my dad's pain pills a couple of times.
T's chronically unemployed, and his driving record is so bad that everybody in the family has been advised by our long-term insurer that he isn't covered under any of our policies, so nobody can lend him cars. All he does all day is surf the net while his 2 preschool-age kids run wild.
My sis, his wife Z., has a doctorate in Poly-sci and keeps the household afloat all by herself, financially and every other way. She has never dated anyone else in her whole life, and says she doesn't believe that her situation is abnormal (denial). But nobody can tell her anything, so I try not to meddle.
One of my boundaries I have in my recovery is that I don't have people around me if they are in active addiction. But T. is at every family function I attend, so I just so far have ignored him, though I do feel uncomfortable when I can tell he is high (he gets very irritable coming down). T. screamed at me on Christmas when I tried to help with his son, who had fallen down, and I walked out of the room rather than get into it with him.
But the other day at my dads' party, he said some very mean things to another sis, J., insulting her. badly. J. left the party in tears.
Another sis, D. (I have lots of 'em) who overheard his remarks, left with her, as did J's adult kids. Her husband had to be stopped from going over to strike him he was so upset.
My Mom is exhorting me to get involved and "make peace" among my younger sibs (I am oldest). I don't think that I can do that. My sympathies are with my sister J, and I told her that I would no longer have T over to my home unless and until he is clean of drugs and apologizes.
J. has already decided that she won't have him at her home anymore. His wife and kids are welcome, though. My mom is saying that if we have this rule, she won't ever come to any gatherings at our homes either. She says that because our sister chose him, we are all bound to accept her choice and welcome him in our homes. I just don't know about that. I love my family, but I don't want T. around me right now. Not while he is getting high all the time. I don't want him near my son either. Am I being unreasonable? My mom says she is surprised I am so stubborn about this. I used to be the family push-over.
KJ
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Sounds like there is a lot of chaos going on in your life.... and if you let it, other people's problems will drive you completey insaine..
Keep the focus on you and stick to your boundaries... you can't change other people and their environement but you can change yours..
Keep the focus on you and stick to your boundaries... you can't change other people and their environement but you can change yours..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KJ))) - I think if anyone's being unreasonable, it's your mom. If she wants him in HER house, then fine. As far as who is in anyone ELSE'S house, that's THEIR decision.
You are setting a boundary and your mom doesn't like it. It's sad that she may choose to miss out on family functions, if he's not invited, but that is her choice.
The longer I'm in recovery, the less I want to be around toxic people...even if they're related to me.
I think you're making a wise decision.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You are setting a boundary and your mom doesn't like it. It's sad that she may choose to miss out on family functions, if he's not invited, but that is her choice.
The longer I'm in recovery, the less I want to be around toxic people...even if they're related to me.
I think you're making a wise decision.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
People don't have to like my boundaries. I have my boundaries in place for a reason.
My mother has been angry at me many times.
That's her problem, not mine.
If you know this guy is going to be at family functions and it interferes with your serenity, then don't go.
My mother has been angry at me many times.
That's her problem, not mine.
If you know this guy is going to be at family functions and it interferes with your serenity, then don't go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by kj3880 
My mom is saying that if we have this rule, she won't ever come to any gatherings at our homes either. She says that because our sister chose him, we are all bound to accept her choice and welcome him in our homes.
Seriously, YOU didnt marry him your sister did - you have no obligation to him and do not have to accept his bad behavior. My own parents didnt want my son at their house for Christmas. Its their home and their decision to make who can come into it. I was welcome, my daughter was welcome (and we did go) but he was not. It wasnt because of his drug use it was because of how he had treated me. They were taking up for me and telling him that he cannot treat his mother like this and come to their home.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I agree~~~~your home, your rules. Mom will be there,,,watch!!! She's just trying to get you to do something maybe she should be standing up for. Your her daughter~~~and thats her SIL>>>Hang in there..things will work out and your mom will not miss a family gathering..Hugs, Bonnie
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
I think it's a fine idea. My family has the same one for my AD. The result of both her addictions and her treatment of her sisters and me. I completely understand.
She is now clean and if she maintains that she will get to go see relatives this June. Her choice.
She is now clean and if she maintains that she will get to go see relatives this June. Her choice.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I love my family, but I don't want T. around me right now. Not while he is getting high all the time. I don't want him near my son either. Am I being unreasonable? My mom says she is surprised I am so stubborn about this. I used to be the family push-over.
When we start changing, people are surprised and aren't sure how to react. I found some of my friendships became tighter while people I used to have constantly in my life, I had to let go of to keep my serenity. And I just didn't enjoy being around them anymore....
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
I think you are doing the right thing by sticking with the boundaries you've set. I agree with what has been posted above. It was a BLESSING you weren't there for all the drama, now don't rob yourself of the blessing by getting into all of it now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
kj, I agree with the others, your house, your rules. If Mom doesn't like it, then she'll be the one to miss out. I also agree, hold onto your recovery, don't let Mom or anyone else upset your serenity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Thanks for the replies, everyone. I am getting a dozen phone calls a day about this from the many people in my family. I just keep reminding myself, "this is not my problem."
It really isn't. I'm not the one using. I'm not the one yelling at people. And I don't have to be. I get to choose who comes to my home. My family is very close. I have many brothers and sisters and we all live in the same tiny town as my parents, most within a short walk of their front door. So it isn't like we don't see each other.
I think for me, that a big part of the problem is that I'm the only single sibling. So I don't have anyone to back me up on this, and the rest of them have their partners to say "Don't worry about it honey, you are doing the right thing." Luckily, I do have my sponsor, and she thinks I'm doing the right thing.
It is upsetting to have my mom and sister mad at me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm just not used to living with my own decision and standing up to them. It goes against my very nature, which is to try to get along and please others and avoid confrontation.
KJ
It really isn't. I'm not the one using. I'm not the one yelling at people. And I don't have to be. I get to choose who comes to my home. My family is very close. I have many brothers and sisters and we all live in the same tiny town as my parents, most within a short walk of their front door. So it isn't like we don't see each other.
I think for me, that a big part of the problem is that I'm the only single sibling. So I don't have anyone to back me up on this, and the rest of them have their partners to say "Don't worry about it honey, you are doing the right thing." Luckily, I do have my sponsor, and she thinks I'm doing the right thing.
It is upsetting to have my mom and sister mad at me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm just not used to living with my own decision and standing up to them. It goes against my very nature, which is to try to get along and please others and avoid confrontation.
KJ
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by kj3880
It goes against my very nature, which is to try to get along and please others and avoid confrontation.
KJ
KJ
yep, that's ME
any wonder I'm a codie.and KJ, don't forget besides your sponsor you have us..........that can be so much more than what your sib's have.:ghug:
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kj3880
It is upsetting to have my mom and sister mad at me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm just not used to living with my own decision and standing up to them. It goes against my very nature, which is to try to get along and please others and avoid confrontation.
The bottom line is I MUST put myself, my recovery, and what is best for my recovery first!
:ghug :ghug
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