prairiegirl

[SIZE="3"]It doesn't help that I have the flu and so am feeling miserable to begin with, but it's when I'm sick that everything else seems to spiral downwards as well. I'm just feeling really down and would appreciate any suggestions that you could give me. Forgive me in advance for going on.

As some of you know, I'm the one who separated from my XAH back in May. I was the one to initiate the break-up, not thinking that he would ever leave, because that's just how it was. I'd bring up how I couldn't continue living with his drinking and lack of participation in our relationship, we'd talk about separating, but it would never happen. He would always tell me he didn't plan to quit drinking. Then one day he announced that he would leave, but rather than just move out, get his own place in our city, he informs me he's moving to Texas where his brother lives. He called me every day for 2 months, so I thought it was still workable. Then when I questioned him on it, he said he was just calling because he thought it was the right thing to do, not to give me hope. So the calling stopped and then he'd call every so often, but the last call was December.

I was doing quite well the past couple of months, even took a major trip to New Zealand, something I'd wanted to do for years. But the last few weeks, I feel like I've slipped back to missing him and thinking I made a mistake in suggesting he go.

We were together 16 years, didn't have children because he wouldn't ever go to the doctor with me to see what the problem was or if there was something we could do about it. I think he was afraid to find out it was him. Needless to say, we didn't have children and I kept hanging in waiting, hoping for him to change like a good co-dependent. Some of you might say, that's good that no children were involved in this situation but it's not good for me. I let so many things pass me by because I stupidly put my life on hold, supporting him several times into treatment, encouraging him, and standing beside him.

All he wanted to do is stay home, drink, cook and watch movies, when he wasn't working. We did have pretty good communication and would talk about everything, but he wouldn't introduce me to anyone from his work, started keeping me from talking to his family on the phone, basically I think so that he could tell his little white lies about how great he was doing. If I was around, he wouldn't be able to get away with his stories because I was the voice of reality. He didn't want to go out anywhere, resented me planning anything for us to do or accepting invitations to go visit friends, and could never follow through on any plans anyway, let alone a vacation together. I kept telling him it felt like we were roommates rather than a couple.

Anyway, I can't believe I'm still missing him and feeling like I maybe made a mistake by asking him to go. I DO remember that I was lonely in the relationship but you know what? Today I feel like I'd rather have that than what I have now....... a big nothing and total emptiness. Oh yeah, I have the dog (his dog that he had to have) and the cat. Any suggestions appreciated.

respektingme

I think it's normal to look back on a past relationship in a situation like this and remember the good (perhaps even exaggerate it) and forget the bad. If you found someone else, you probably wouldn't be giving your ex too much space in your head. I can understand your feeling of loneliness. Please remember how lonely it was living with an active alcoholic. Remember the chaos you went through in addition to being lonely. And it sounds like you're still grieving over what you've lost... children, time, life. That's probably normal too. I hope you can find joy in the rest of your life without focusing on your past. Spring is here, flowers are in bloom, it's getting nice outside again. Maybe exercise will help? Walk that dog like crazy, or take him to a dog park. I meet people doing that.

Bernadette

Hiya prairie--
((((((((hugs))))))))
sorry you're feeling blue...and sick. Yuck-o-la!

Since May have you been doing hard work on yourself - on figuring out why you stayed for 16 years and let so many things pass you by, as you said?
Do you have a weekly therapy session going or AlAnon meeting you go to?

When my exH and I split up I needed the help of a good therapist to guide me towards becoming the woman I really want to be and to understand how I ended up in the situation that I ended up in....

I remember low times too...when I didn;t want to face all the hard work I had to do on myself and to change my life it was often easier to get nostalgic and depressed and wish for something- anything (even the past) to just make all this reality GO AWAY!!!

I hope you keep seeking answers and ask around for some local help...therapy was a life-saver for me....

peace,
b

prairiegirl

Thanks to both of you for your suggestions. Yes, I forgot to add that piece.... I have been working on myself, seeing a counsellor (actually I was seeing two different ones at one point - a D & A counsellor who understood alcoholism & codependency and a family therapist). I still keep up weekly visits, though she's gone away for a few weeks. I've been reading books on grieving and daily affirmation books and I journal from time to time. I haven't made it to Alanon yet, mainly because of location and times, though that's an excuse. I have been to some CODA meeting. I also have 3 or 4 good friends that have really been there for me through all of this and who I can call on when the going gets rough. That's why I'm feeling so surprised by this feeling of extreme sadness and weakness again. There's just some days, you're right when I just want this to all go away and I want him back. I just want that feeling of having a family unit, be it as it may.

Still Waters

It seems to me that part of being a co-dependent is forgetting the bad times, or at least not remembering them in full bloody color. That's where the "play the tape all the way through" comes from...to remind us that no matter how hard we try to soften the edges of the misery that was, it was still miserable.

I have a question for you. If you were involved with a loving, sweet, caring man right now - would that make you feel better?

I guess I'm wondering if you miss your ex, or if you miss what you never really had - a loving relationship.

Hang in there prairiegirl


Sometimes I feel like this, on the road to recovery >>>>

ToughChoices

I'm with you, prairiegirl!

For whatever reason, today I felt incredibly nostalgic. It was a beautiful peaceful day, and I was SAD. Maybe there's something in the air.

I've been telling myself that those feelings of sorrow will most certainly come and go. They are nothing to fear and nothing to push through. They're just part of my process.

Have you considered dating again? I'm starting to realize that I'm not missing my X so much as I'm just missing general pleasant companionship (I'm not so naive as to think that my X is capable of offering me that as this point!). Maybe a date or 2 would prove interesting and fun?

Thinking of you and sending good vibes your direction!
-TC

TakingCharge999

Hi prairie and TC,

Make that 3!
Today my first thought, and I am sure, my last thought before sleep will be about my Ex.

I am shocked of how quick the table turned. I realized I am starting the grief cycle for the 5th time, and I am in a mix o shock and sadness.. AGAIN. I have a really bad memory, but the 2 o 3 things I remember of the good "him" bring me down to my knees in sadness. And I just cannot believe what happened. I miss him as a friend, too. I do not like not talking to someone. I usually end OK with my ex's.

It is just another wave. Please do not beat yourself up for being human under a very important grief process. You spent a lot of years with this man and its been very little time since you separated, I am amazed about how well you are doing in such a little time.

I hope you take yoga! Its wonderful because it takes you to the present moment.

I live in March 2008. Need to realize its March 2009, I am alive, I am healthy.

Count your blessings and start a morning and nightly ritual. I am just starting, giving thanks to HP, and asking him to send me all the angels I need to LET GO of my suffering, to forgive him and myself, to give me the gift of compassion. Perhaps it would help you too? Ask him for what you need.

I agree that going out with new people may distract you a little and broaden your horizon. You are doing well, prairegirl. This is just another wave.

Take care and drink lots of water. I heard having colds or flu mean unreleased sadness.... I urge you to release it all, acknowledge all the feelings, feel them, even talk to them... don't be afraid.. your HP knows exactly who you are, and where you are at.. everything is going on as it should. You got to trust HP.

It all sounds like a cliche. But its true.

Or try my last tactic, whenver I think about him, I follow the thought with an image of Robbie Williams. LOL. Or I remember a great moment I lived, that did not involve him at all. I have found I had been very happy before knowing him, and I can be happy again. Heck, I can be happy NOW even as I am. I think happiness is not smiling, loving everything, etc, but being who you are, feeling what you feel, without judgment. Again: living in the present. Nowhere else. DO YOGA

((((((((all my hugs))))))))))

prairiegirl

Thanks so much to all of you. I just got out of bed (12:45 a.m.) to check the computer, as I'm feeling so miserable and couldn't sleep anyway. What a pleasant surprise to see all of your wonderful support, love and understanding. I will respond properly tomorrow, when I'm hopefully feeling human. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate having such wonderful friends, who really understand. I feel ten times better and will take all of your wise advice to heart. Good night!

Barbara52

I don't know about you, but I always see my life, the world in general and the universe as horrible when I'm sick. Be gentle with yourself as you are sick and then prehaps you will have a different view of things.

JenT1968

hey there,

wanted to send you hugs, I am sorry you are floundering, and beeing poorly is horrible. If you can tryand get as much rest as possible.

Quick bit about where I am now as background to what I am going to say: I have been with my AH for 10 years, I have told him that I can no longer live with his drinking, that I want us to live separately, and that if in 6 months he has stopped drinking for 6 months, and has embraced that change, along with counselling regarding his other issues, and I believe that he has done that, we can look at whether we both think its worth trying to be together, and what we need to do to work that out.

But the minimum is he needs to stop drinking. It’s been 6 weeks since this conversation, he moves out next month, and he is still drinking.

I am happy and relieved that I have finally committed to this decision, I feel like I have been tying myself in knots, to accommodate trying not to make it for years. However, I do wobble occasionally:

I tend to romanticise the past a lot: my hindsight isn’t 20/20, its pink and fuzzy and myopic….

I have fortunately emailed myself intermittently with statements of the craziness for 3 years, so I can look back and see the cycles of behaviour we both exhibit….

When I wonder if I could have tried harder…I can see that I have tried really hard to live with an active alcoholic and I became depressed and exhausted with the effort.

When I wonder if it was really that bad……. I can see that in fact it was worse than I remember, as there are things I’ve written to myself (and I haven’t written all of it) that I don’t immediately recall.

When I wonder if (as he says) he would be better able to stop if he had the support of his family around him……I can see that we have tried this before, and it didn’t work.

Have you journalled, or emailed friends or written here or elsewhere about what it was like? (I find the written evidence very compelling)?

If not could you start writing down now, the specifics of those occasions you talked about above where he got angry about you making plans etc… write it all down, I bet it triggers more memories and it can be cathartic just to get it all down on paper.

Have you ever got back together with someone you split up with??? I have, I know lots of friends who have, I can think of no examples of when it has worked out well. The saying “they’re an EX for a reason” is very true, and not limited to people dealing with alcohol.

Maybe you might also want to think about whether if he wanted you back you would actually go……
Does it make a difference to you that he now seems to have cut off the communications, effectively taking the choice out of your hands?

And why returning to a soul-destroying relationship is preferable to you to living your life exactly as you want without that relationship and being open and available to the possibility of a nurturing, love-filled relationship sometime in the future?

GiveLove

When I am sick, it brings to the forefront my desire to have someone who's "got my back" so to speak. I'm weak, sad, and scared, and it really accentuates the feeling that I want someone in my life who I can turn to for comfort and support (someone I can trust, someone who'll take care of me without judgment, without feeling like I'm putting him out). I didn't have that as a child, and I didn't have that with my X...but when I first split up, I kept trying to make my X the answer to that.

In time I connected the dots: I didn't want that lonely, sick relationship back. I wanted what it never was: a true partnership where occasionally I COULD be sick and cared-for.

The lack of good sleep and all of that really got to me too. It's just something I had to get through.

I hope you're feeling better, prairiegirl, and can get some rest so tomorrow dawns brighter for you.

TakingCharge999

Hi prairegirl how are you doing today? Just checking

prairiegirl

I am so grateful to all of you for your kindness and support. I know all of you understand and 'get' it. Reading your words has literally brought tears to my eyes. thank you so much!

I've been trying to comment but my computer keeps shutting down, like it's about ready to crash. Why is it when you feel sick, it seems like nothing cooperates with you? Every time I have a message ready to send, I lose it so I'm going to do several short ones.

Dreamer999 - I'm feeling somewhat better today but called in sick to work so that I could take care of myself today. Emotionally I am much better, especially after reading all of these wonderful and encouraging comments. Thanks for asking.

prairiegirl

GiveLove - I really relate to what you said about wanting someone you can turn to for comfort and support. When I'm not feeling well, that's when I feel totally alone. One thing about my EX, he was very supportive when I wasn't well or had a health issue. He would cook and make sure I ate something healthy, even when I didn't feel like it, he would always have some wise advice if I was worried (that is until he had too much to drink), but more than anything... just his presence made me feel that I wasn't alone in this world. Should anything happen, there was someone who cared or would be there. But you're right, I'm missing a true partnership, something my relationship never really was. And the occasional times that he showed his kindness when I was sick, is not enough to keep a relationship going. I guess we all just want to know that someone else cares. That's what is gone now. Thank you.

prairiegirl

*Ceridwen - My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. You are very strong for making a decision, setting boundaries and conditions and following through on them.

You've reminded me once again of why I initiated him leaving in the first place. It's just that when he decided to go, I felt like it backfired. It somehow felt like him taking control and deciding how it was going to go, when I intended to be able to set conditions and that hopefully he'd be willing to work at so we might get back together. Like you said, I think I have been romanticizing the past as well. I'm pretty sure I take random incidents of kindness on his part and then remember the whole relationship as being like that when it wasn't.

Your idea of emailing yourself is a great one. Ii've actually kept all the emails between my friends and I from the time that my ex left and have started printing some of them off so that I can refer back to them easily. One of my friends forwarded me some emails I had sent her over a year before he left, so that I could see things weren't so wonderful as I thought. And yes, I have journalled alot on and off through the years I was with him. When he first left, I pulled out all the journals and was shocked to read some of the things I'd written, becaue we do tend to forget how bad things were. I actually had to stop reading them at one point, because I was getting quite depressed with the fact I had stayed for so long, despite the little I was getting in return.

I suppose it is a good thing that he has cut off the communication; at least I don't have to wonder when he's going to call again, or decide if I'll pick up his calls or not, or whether what he has to say is going to hurt me again.

Thanks for all your great suggestions. I feel better already.

prairiegirl

Barbara52 - you're absolutely right. I'm always surprised that we know that when we're sick, everything looks worse than what it is; yet when we aren't well, we forget that simple fact. I'm not feeling that great yet, but my outlook on my situation is alot better with all this wonderful support.

Dreamer999 - I took yoga once and have committed to trying it again. Problem was it was supposed to be a beginner's class but she geared it to the advanced students that were also in the class. I've heard from so many people, including yourself that it's wonderful so I will follow up with that. Also the morning and evening rituals involving my HP is a good idea. I find I put things like that in place and then when I start feeling bad, they often go right out the window. I try to make it a daily ritual of giving thanks for everything I'm grateful for on that particular day. That helps me stay positive and focus on the simple joys in life. Interesting that the flu is about unreleased sadness. Well, that would make sense then. I will be sure to drink lots of water, take care of myself and allow myself to cry and get the sadness out. Thanks for all the great suggestions!

prairiegirl

ToughChoices - Sorry to hear you're feeling sad as well. Hopefully it won't last long. I probably am just missing what I never really had with my ex. I appreciate your suggestions but just don't feel quite ready to date yet. Maybe in a few months but I feel like I've only just accepted that it's really over, as crazy as that may sound. I have been living in this illusion that we could still get back together. When I'm ready, I'm sure that it will help me realize my life is not over.

Still Waters - great message! Full bloody color, eh? That's about it. In answer to your question....I miss what I never really had - a loving relationship.