Need some advice..and understanding
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
Need some advice..and understanding
Hello all,
I am new to this forum and am happy to see it has a friends and family thread.
I need some guidance on a recent situation in my life.
My best friend of 40 years disclosed to me that she was seeing a therapist last year who diagnosed her as being an alcoholic. I have alcoholism in my immediate family and to be honest I was very surprised that she was and obviously missed something along the way.
So that's fine, she's going to AA and in therapy for other issues and I am hopefully supporting her and her successes.
I have to preface all of this with saying as a friend-she was very unreliable when needed. I tolerated that as I really love her and knowing her all these many years know that she is a beautiful person inside and out. If she stood me up, or wasn't around when she said she'd be-I understood, she was my friend and we all have our quirks. Even my Dh questioned why I was always there for her at any time when she seemed not to have th same availability for me.
So she's in recovery, and I think that is great. I was hoping that doing the steps and being in therapy would mean that she could be aware of the times that I needed her and she wasn't there and that maybe there could be a shift in that behavior.
Not really...she did it again recently-stood me up when we were supposed to get together-no explanation, no apology, no nothing. This time I really got angry at her and let her know that I was. I have never gotten angry with her before so I thought maybe she'd understand just how very very hurt her behavior had caused me.
So what does she do? She tells me in a facebook note to **** off, that I am polluting her head and trying to control her. That my perception of her is my reality of her, not hers. That I am trying to occupy space in her brain and I have no right to be there. that she is in recovery and I don't get it and I never will, Even if I was trying to compliment her-I was doing that for myself not for her. That she is not a reflection of what I think she is. HUH??????
OK-I don't get this. I do understand recovery because my big sister is in recovery and once she was there-our relationship dramatically improved. We had a new openness and honesty in it and I feel we are so much closer for it.
As for my friend-I have never done anything except support her. I tried to be complimentary to her because her self-esteem was so low that I so badly wanted hr to feel some good about herself and I meant every single word I said. I saw her through 25 moves, 4 husbands, 30 different jobs and not once did I ever criticize. I didn't like the way her dh's and numerous boyfriends treated her but that was all based on what she told me about them. She tells me her AA friends are all she needs and that they give her everything she needs in friendship.
It's as if I am getting the blame for her overall unhappiness and I don't understand what I did wrong.
Should I call and apologize? We have not spoken in 7 months but I am still "friended" with her on her facebook page.
A part of me really misses her-we have so much history and deep inside of her I know there is a kind hearted person who would not have hurt anyone, but a part of me is just so damaged by this I don't know what is even left of our friendship. Is she acting this way because now she feels she can and it's OK?
Can anyone explain this to me? Did I cross some unsaid boundary I shouldn't have?
Is it worth trying to save this friendship?
Any advice would be appreciated.
I am new to this forum and am happy to see it has a friends and family thread.
I need some guidance on a recent situation in my life.
My best friend of 40 years disclosed to me that she was seeing a therapist last year who diagnosed her as being an alcoholic. I have alcoholism in my immediate family and to be honest I was very surprised that she was and obviously missed something along the way.
So that's fine, she's going to AA and in therapy for other issues and I am hopefully supporting her and her successes.
I have to preface all of this with saying as a friend-she was very unreliable when needed. I tolerated that as I really love her and knowing her all these many years know that she is a beautiful person inside and out. If she stood me up, or wasn't around when she said she'd be-I understood, she was my friend and we all have our quirks. Even my Dh questioned why I was always there for her at any time when she seemed not to have th same availability for me.
So she's in recovery, and I think that is great. I was hoping that doing the steps and being in therapy would mean that she could be aware of the times that I needed her and she wasn't there and that maybe there could be a shift in that behavior.
Not really...she did it again recently-stood me up when we were supposed to get together-no explanation, no apology, no nothing. This time I really got angry at her and let her know that I was. I have never gotten angry with her before so I thought maybe she'd understand just how very very hurt her behavior had caused me.
So what does she do? She tells me in a facebook note to **** off, that I am polluting her head and trying to control her. That my perception of her is my reality of her, not hers. That I am trying to occupy space in her brain and I have no right to be there. that she is in recovery and I don't get it and I never will, Even if I was trying to compliment her-I was doing that for myself not for her. That she is not a reflection of what I think she is. HUH??????
OK-I don't get this. I do understand recovery because my big sister is in recovery and once she was there-our relationship dramatically improved. We had a new openness and honesty in it and I feel we are so much closer for it.
As for my friend-I have never done anything except support her. I tried to be complimentary to her because her self-esteem was so low that I so badly wanted hr to feel some good about herself and I meant every single word I said. I saw her through 25 moves, 4 husbands, 30 different jobs and not once did I ever criticize. I didn't like the way her dh's and numerous boyfriends treated her but that was all based on what she told me about them. She tells me her AA friends are all she needs and that they give her everything she needs in friendship.
It's as if I am getting the blame for her overall unhappiness and I don't understand what I did wrong.
Should I call and apologize? We have not spoken in 7 months but I am still "friended" with her on her facebook page.
A part of me really misses her-we have so much history and deep inside of her I know there is a kind hearted person who would not have hurt anyone, but a part of me is just so damaged by this I don't know what is even left of our friendship. Is she acting this way because now she feels she can and it's OK?
Can anyone explain this to me? Did I cross some unsaid boundary I shouldn't have?
Is it worth trying to save this friendship?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Welcome to SR
I think, if she's in recovery she has to focus on herself, maybe that's what she's doing.
That doesn't mean you have to accept behaviour that you find unacceptable, you have the option to take it or leave it.
I think, if she's in recovery she has to focus on herself, maybe that's what she's doing.
That doesn't mean you have to accept behaviour that you find unacceptable, you have the option to take it or leave it.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by LucyA 
Welcome to SR
I think, if she's in recovery she has to focus on herself, maybe that's what she's doing.
That doesn't mean you have to accept behaviour that you find unacceptable, you have the option to take it or leave it.
I think, if she's in recovery she has to focus on herself, maybe that's what she's doing.
That doesn't mean you have to accept behaviour that you find unacceptable, you have the option to take it or leave it.
And some never get past this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Have you considered attending Alanon? Those of us who have loved an alcoholic have been affected. There are also some excellent books out there. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent one to start with.
I can hear the hurt in your post from her past behaviors and Alanon can help you begin to heal that hurt. :ghug :ghug
I can hear the hurt in your post from her past behaviors and Alanon can help you begin to heal that hurt. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
First off, "recovery" is a process that begins with physical sobriety and, if all goes well and if the recovering person is serious about staying sober and living a healthy, connected life long-term, moves along to emotional and spiritual sobriety. Not all people who stop drinking and/or drugging are so committed.....and even if they are, the recovery process takes time and can proceed in fits and starts.
Very often, if someone is not committed to the overall recovery process, the fact that she is not drinking will only make the other negative behaviors associated with alcoholism (blaming, denial, justification, irresponsibility, irritability, irrationality, and discontentment, etc....) to become more pronounced -- because an alcoholic who is not drinking and but who is not working any broader program of recovery is basically someone who is in a whole lot of pain, has stopped taking the medication they used to kill the pain, but is not doing anything to address the underlying causes of that pain.
So, anyways, that's about your friend -- as far as you go, why would you call her to apologize? Did you do something wrong? Do you want and/or need this person in your life if she's going to be treating you in this way? And, if so, why? When you can answer and are comfortable with your answers to those questions, then you'll know what you should do.
freya
Very often, if someone is not committed to the overall recovery process, the fact that she is not drinking will only make the other negative behaviors associated with alcoholism (blaming, denial, justification, irresponsibility, irritability, irrationality, and discontentment, etc....) to become more pronounced -- because an alcoholic who is not drinking and but who is not working any broader program of recovery is basically someone who is in a whole lot of pain, has stopped taking the medication they used to kill the pain, but is not doing anything to address the underlying causes of that pain.
So, anyways, that's about your friend -- as far as you go, why would you call her to apologize? Did you do something wrong? Do you want and/or need this person in your life if she's going to be treating you in this way? And, if so, why? When you can answer and are comfortable with your answers to those questions, then you'll know what you should do.
freya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
Thanks freedom and freya,
I will investigate alannon meeting around here-I htink it might help me sort things out. I am very hurt by all of this-I was a good friend to her and we have known each other for so long-very few secrets although as I said I had no idea she had an alcohol problem.
She says-in her facebook notes that she is diligently working the program and has been praised by the group leader for her adherence to the program-"he's never seen anyone more committed than me." I don't know if the friendship is worth it or not-she's like a trusty old blanket that one has had for years and years-you know every inch of it and it brings you comfort. Maybe I was expecting too much from her in asking her to be responsible for her hurtful behavior-I know she's supposed to make amends but I think she thinks she doen't need to do that one with me.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.
I will investigate alannon meeting around here-I htink it might help me sort things out. I am very hurt by all of this-I was a good friend to her and we have known each other for so long-very few secrets although as I said I had no idea she had an alcohol problem.
She says-in her facebook notes that she is diligently working the program and has been praised by the group leader for her adherence to the program-"he's never seen anyone more committed than me." I don't know if the friendship is worth it or not-she's like a trusty old blanket that one has had for years and years-you know every inch of it and it brings you comfort. Maybe I was expecting too much from her in asking her to be responsible for her hurtful behavior-I know she's supposed to make amends but I think she thinks she doen't need to do that one with me.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I would just like to add as a recovering alcoholic myself that each person's recovery process has its own time line and not everyone continues to grow in recovery.
Yes, making amends is part of the process.
I know for me, the people I hurt the most were the amends that were the hardest for me to make and were also the ones I had to make later on. I had to start healing myself first because I was still so raw emotionally and not prepared yet to fully process the tremendous amount of guilt I felt for the damages.
The fact that she struck out at you the way she did says everything about her, and nothing about you, dear. There's something within her she has not processed, so don't take it to heart.
You may never get amends from her.
I have a 31 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict, and I've come to accept she is who she is, we have limited contact, and my happiness isn't contingent on what she does with her life.
I do hope that you are able to find an Alanon group that is a good fit for you and helps you to heal. :ghug :ghug :ghug
Yes, making amends is part of the process.
I know for me, the people I hurt the most were the amends that were the hardest for me to make and were also the ones I had to make later on. I had to start healing myself first because I was still so raw emotionally and not prepared yet to fully process the tremendous amount of guilt I felt for the damages.
The fact that she struck out at you the way she did says everything about her, and nothing about you, dear. There's something within her she has not processed, so don't take it to heart.
You may never get amends from her.
I have a 31 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict, and I've come to accept she is who she is, we have limited contact, and my happiness isn't contingent on what she does with her life.
I do hope that you are able to find an Alanon group that is a good fit for you and helps you to heal. :ghug :ghug :ghug
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
First off, "recovery" is a process that begins with physical sobriety and, if all goes well and if the recovering person is serious about staying sober and living a healthy, connected life long-term, moves along to emotional and spiritual sobriety. Not all people who stop drinking and/or drugging are so committed.....and even if they are, the recovery process takes time and can proceed in fits and starts
This is so true........
Maybe just explain you are still her friend should she ever want to meet up/ catch up etc, then let it sit.... I would LET GO We cant make anyone want to be friends with us or want to be with us. I would focus on my own life and moving forward if I were you. Life works in strange ways, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
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