111

I am a 39 year od woman. My 35-year-old brother has been actively drinking/abusing drugs for 25 years. He started drinking and smoking marijuana when he was 10, and since then has abused everything he can get his hands on in every way possible short of shooting it (he does not care for needles, or so he said). The litany is familiar, including alcohol in all its many forms, acid, coke, mushrooms, PCP, heroin, Xanax, Somas, etc. etc. His latest drugs of choice are alcohol, Vicodin, Oxycontin, and Somas.

He shows little desire to stop using and has resorted to all the usual tricks - lying, stealing, blaming, denial, projection, and calling in sick. He is currently obtaining his drugs from a quack doctor who will write a prescription for anything without question.

I think depression underlies the years of drug/alcohol abuse, however, treatment as a teen did not help. My parents, who were not physically or mentally abusive to me or my brother, placed him into several rehabs and halfway houses with no success. All he learned while there was how to get better drugs from more places. His adult life has been marked by sporadic employment, often with no benefits. I do not know the status of his employment at this time. He had a job last week, but that was then.

He has created 3 children, two of which are whereabouts unknown. He has tried to take care of the third and shares custody with the mother, who tries her best to be responsible (he pays no child support) but is not doing a very good job because of his drug/alcohol problems.

At this point I have relegated myself to being merely a bystander to his self-created soap opera. I have absolutely nothing vested in the outcome of his life and couldn't change it even if I did. He is the only one who can change himself, and he doesn't want to. We were never close as children, and the distance has continued into adulthood. I have decided to minimize my contact with him and do not answer when he calls or see him except when I visit my parents and he happens to be there (we all live within 10 miles of each other).

I am sick and tired of the whole mess and would like nothing more than to move far away, cut all ties, and forget about him entirely (I am working on this), because there is nothing I can do. He is the one who must change himself, and shows no signs of wanting to do so.

If I sound harsh and cold, so be it. I see no other way to deal with the issue and successfully get on with my life.

I just wish my parents would realize that the way he is is not their fault. They tried their best, and now it is up to him to straighten out his life...or not.

If you have read this far, thank you.

Seren

Welcome to SR.....I'm sorry to hear about all of the pain and sorrow your brother's choices have caused the family. Sometimes no contact is the only way to go with an active addict. Your parents should not feel responsible since they tried to get him into treatment when he was a minor. Now that he is an adult, the consequences of his choices are entirely on his shoulders.

Hugs to you and your family. I hope that you will soon find the peace you deserve!

HG

Freedom1990

You don't sound harsh and cold at all. You sound like you understand his addiction perfectly.

Welcome to SR. I am a recovering addict, I was married to an active addict (now deceased), and my 31 year old daughter is an active addict, from whom I have detached.

Please keep posting. :ghug :ghug

111

I appreciate your replies. I suppose I posted in order to organize my thoughts somewhat. This was brought about by the unpleasant discovery that he had gone through my purse while we were both at my parents' house and stolen all but 2 Vicodin that I had been prescribed for an infected tooth (thanks!). Selfishness - yet another hallmark of addiction. Sigh.

My brother's addiction issues have dragged out for so long that I feel absolutely nothing beyond regret that my parents cannot see that they have done nothing wrong and can do nothing more. No anger, no rage, no disappointment, no sorrow, just...nothing. As I stated, there is nothing I can do and his life is entirely up to him.

lovtolaff

Nope...not harsh and cold. Real and smart - if you ask me. I wish I could have come to this very same conclusion earlier than I did.

Keep posting. The company here is wonderful.

BBD

I only suggest that your parents talk to someone that is schooled in addiction. Thats what I did and it really opened my eyes. Once I knew what I had to do to take care of myself it was so much easier to deal with my son. He was addicted to cocaine and with therapy and rehab he has straightened out..(for today))..I'm praying hard that he can stay clean and enjoy life as he should. I feel for your parents because as they get older he (your brother)) may learn how much easier it will be to take advantage of them. They are the ones you should be trying to help. Your brother needs to realize he can't depend on others for his well-being. Addiction is the pits but as we understand more about it~~its easier to exist. Good luck. You are a smart one and know how to relate to your brother. If you need distance ~~thats what you should do. And, don't feel guilty at all.......Addiction can kill~~and I wasn't going to be a part of that!! Hugs and smiles, Bonnie

Spinner-007

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're not cold or harsh, but surviving. Your brother's choice to continue down that path is just that, and nobody but he can change that.

I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here, but welcome nonetheless!

sojourner

To expound on something here - If your parents knew that your brother had stolen from your purse while in their house, what would be their response?

111

Hi, cynical one! Sorry for the late reply.

Regarding your question, I haven't given him any money for the past several years (and lately not as much as the time of day), and my parents both say they haven't given him any money. I think he is living off credit cards and the remnants of a 401k he accrued during a rare period of stability several years ago, but as far as I know that is almost gone. His pattern of late is to work for several months, then lose his job due to absenteeism, disagreements with coworkers or supervisors, and the like.

I truly do try to be part of the solution, as difficult as that may be (but it is getting easier every day!)

111

Hi sojourner!

I told my parents that my brother stole from my purse. My mother pursed her lips and shook her head, and my father said, "that's not surprising, he's a worthless addict." He's stolen many things from my parents and I, more so in the past when we were all living under the same roof. He and I now have separate apartments in different neighborhoods, so I can keep my things under lock and key, thus solving the theft problem. As far as I know he hasn't stolen anything from my parents, although I am not 100% sure. I suppose I could have locked my purse in my car, but I was loath to do so --- because I was afraid that someone would break in and steal it! How ironic. I think from now on if he is at their house, I just won't be. I will call ahead and ask if he is there, and if he is I will make other plans and visit another day. If I am there and he shows up unexpectedly, I will simply make my goodbyes and leave.

I think my parents are still putting up with my brother because of my 6 year old niece. They buy her clothes and pay for her day care because her mom has 2 sons (11 and 8) by another man and struggles to pay the bills. I think they feel sorry for my niece and are trying to make sure she is adequately cared for, so they are still caught up in the drama to an extent.

I only see my niece when she is at my parents' house and do not contribute financially to her upbringing except birthday and Christmas gifts. I have no children and deal with little kids awkwardly. All my babysitting jobs as a tween were disastrous and I got a job at 15 so I wouldn't have to babysit anymore! My incompetence with children has inadvertently allowed me to sidestep the soap opera.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are not selfish. taking care of you is what you should be doing. i wish your parents could relize that this is not their fault. my son is my addict. his choice of drug is crack. he is 37yrs. old & is serving a 7-9 yr. prison term. it took me yrs. to realize it was not my fault. there is nothing anyone can do to make your brother quit using. it is his choice. find a meeting to go to. maybe your parents will go with you. keep coming back here & let us know how u r doing. prayers,

sojourner

111:

I am sorry you do not have parents who protect you. I myself have to remember that because my son has stolen money from his sibling while in my home then i have a duty to protect my friends/family from this thieving son of mine... My son is not welcome here. I have to say i've slid on that one. Your story is a reminder to me of what i need to buckle down and do - and be up front with the thieving son about why...

rahsue

You got it goin on sister!!!! lol
Your words are absolutely not harsh nor cold. Good for you that you are able to do what you do. I hope your parents are not suffering too much from is behavior.