It feels like I'm totally nuts
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
It feels like I'm totally nuts
Today is day 16 without a drink.
I can't sleep, am obsessing with cleaning and staying busy, I sit here reading and posting for hours sometimes, and I feel totally off-balance inside.
I am grateful that the cravings have stopped bothering me as much, and I have much more energy than I've had in a long time, but for some reason it bothers me. I keep wondering, ok, when will all of this turn back to the way I felt for so many years. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been bummed out for so long that not being bummed out is rather disturbing. Crazy stuff.
Would someone just smack me upside the head, because here I am, whining about feeling good, like I lost my right to feel good many years ago. All kidding aside, there's something wrong with that. Geez, why can't I just enjoy having a good life, why do I want to escape into booze and screw my life up again. Any shrinks in this group, cause I sure need one.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
I can't sleep, am obsessing with cleaning and staying busy, I sit here reading and posting for hours sometimes, and I feel totally off-balance inside.
I am grateful that the cravings have stopped bothering me as much, and I have much more energy than I've had in a long time, but for some reason it bothers me. I keep wondering, ok, when will all of this turn back to the way I felt for so many years. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been bummed out for so long that not being bummed out is rather disturbing. Crazy stuff.
Would someone just smack me upside the head, because here I am, whining about feeling good, like I lost my right to feel good many years ago. All kidding aside, there's something wrong with that. Geez, why can't I just enjoy having a good life, why do I want to escape into booze and screw my life up again. Any shrinks in this group, cause I sure need one.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
That feeling good can last for ever. Then it becomes what to do with it...yes. Channel it into all the thing you thought about wile wasting time getting blasted...now is the time to live the life you were ready to live...sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey zencat,
I can't believe how crazy this all is. I feel like someone, or maybe the Good Lord, flipped a switch inside me. I woke up yesterday and thought,"Hey, I can have a whole new life." It just has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I really have alot to be grateful for and I'm alive to tell it. That's a great gift, like George Bailey in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." I spoke with my sister-in-law today, then she passed the phone to my brother, and I heard her say in the background, "He really sounds good Bernie", and I felt proud. My brother has seen me during the worst of my drinking days and wanted nothing to do with me. Rightly so, I guess, but now he wants me to stop over at the end of the month to take me out to dinner. That's just great stuff!
I have read about the "pink cloud people experience, and if this is it, then I'm pitching a tent and staying awhile.
I can't believe how crazy this all is. I feel like someone, or maybe the Good Lord, flipped a switch inside me. I woke up yesterday and thought,"Hey, I can have a whole new life." It just has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I really have alot to be grateful for and I'm alive to tell it. That's a great gift, like George Bailey in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." I spoke with my sister-in-law today, then she passed the phone to my brother, and I heard her say in the background, "He really sounds good Bernie", and I felt proud. My brother has seen me during the worst of my drinking days and wanted nothing to do with me. Rightly so, I guess, but now he wants me to stop over at the end of the month to take me out to dinner. That's just great stuff!
I have read about the "pink cloud people experience, and if this is it, then I'm pitching a tent and staying awhile.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Lol great post! It is mind blowing isn't it and we need to be very careful and stay sober! It's like having a life long disability that is removed and all sorts of options, well all options really regardless of age etc. are now available! It's like some days, like now, i think jeez i can do whatever i want now...enjoy the time and keep doing stuff that you would not have done before. After only 5 months i can see that i will slot into the normal stuff like saving towards a holiday and planning to buy a house etc, but i reckon that for us alcoholics that get sober, we have a better deal than non-alcohlics in life as, if we work on our growth, we don't have to have the worry of these things as we teach ourselves to live in the day and let things 'naturally' come to us as rewards for living our new lives. We just get all the joy of these and other more important stuff like friendship etc. without living that awful manic existence of always chasing the next buck, the next thrill etc. Pretty cool isn't it!!!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Sounds good.
It is a great feeling to feel and see the rewards of sobriety. And change.
And it is like a huge smack in the head. Like WOW.
I am having those moments even now a day before I go to rehab.
Keep doing the right thing and all else will follow.
I am a firm believer in KArma.
Keep up the great job.
It is a great feeling to feel and see the rewards of sobriety. And change.
And it is like a huge smack in the head. Like WOW.
I am having those moments even now a day before I go to rehab.
Keep doing the right thing and all else will follow.
I am a firm believer in KArma.
Keep up the great job.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You're very early in recovery. It takes some time for your body and brain to get back to working normally. Give yourself some time to adjust. And yes, it keeps getting better.
:ghug3
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
Re: "Why can't I enjoy having a good life..."
For me, because this new life entails change, I get scared sometimes. And when I get scared, I want to drink because that is how I always handled it in the past. I think this is why I would drink during a major transition in my life and/or after an accomplishment : I felt a funny mix of being glad that I was moving ahead or did well and fear because of what that accomplishment might imply for my life.
I'm no shrink, but one once told me "Some people don't think that they deserve to be happy." Also I know that growing up I lived around people who denigrated in some manner the accomplishments of others. Many of my friends while I drank were the same way. I am trying to take this behavior out of my own life and to distance myself from others that practice this behavior. Life is meant to be good not criticized; we deserve to be happy.
You really are doing so well, and you deserve this, Firestorm
For me, because this new life entails change, I get scared sometimes. And when I get scared, I want to drink because that is how I always handled it in the past. I think this is why I would drink during a major transition in my life and/or after an accomplishment : I felt a funny mix of being glad that I was moving ahead or did well and fear because of what that accomplishment might imply for my life.
I'm no shrink, but one once told me "Some people don't think that they deserve to be happy." Also I know that growing up I lived around people who denigrated in some manner the accomplishments of others. Many of my friends while I drank were the same way. I am trying to take this behavior out of my own life and to distance myself from others that practice this behavior. Life is meant to be good not criticized; we deserve to be happy.
You really are doing so well, and you deserve this, Firestorm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
yeahgr8, thanks for the input, especially... "well all options really regardless of age etc." This line really hit home, since at 49, (I'll be 50 on the 19th of this month, yikes) I sometimes feel I'm over the hill, (hey, that's a good tagline, think I'll use that, lol.) Congrats on five months. Is that like an eternity or what, lol?
Mikel60, you're right, it is getting better. I know there will be some tough times ahead, as part of life, but at least I feel alive today, not like the walking mummy that I was for years. Thanks.
Chiynita, best wishes with your stay at rehab. I hope you're stay there really helps you find the support and guidance we all need to stay sober and discover how to really live comfortably in your own skin. Let us know how you are whenever you can.
Hi Least, congrats on three weeks, if I remember correctly. My memory just ain't what it used to be, lol. You sound great and I'm happy for your growth and progress. Keep up the good work.
Hi Theresa, you're comments are right on, I pulled so much crap during my drinking days that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, considering all the misery I put people through. I've cleaned up my mess the best I can, but I still here that little voice saying, "Hey, who do you think you are, you're just a drunk, here, have a drink, stop kidding yourself." Well, for today, I'm just ignoring the little bast*rd and going on with a great day. Thanks for your encouragement.
Mikel60, you're right, it is getting better. I know there will be some tough times ahead, as part of life, but at least I feel alive today, not like the walking mummy that I was for years. Thanks.
Chiynita, best wishes with your stay at rehab. I hope you're stay there really helps you find the support and guidance we all need to stay sober and discover how to really live comfortably in your own skin. Let us know how you are whenever you can.
Hi Least, congrats on three weeks, if I remember correctly. My memory just ain't what it used to be, lol. You sound great and I'm happy for your growth and progress. Keep up the good work.
Hi Theresa, you're comments are right on, I pulled so much crap during my drinking days that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, considering all the misery I put people through. I've cleaned up my mess the best I can, but I still here that little voice saying, "Hey, who do you think you are, you're just a drunk, here, have a drink, stop kidding yourself." Well, for today, I'm just ignoring the little bast*rd and going on with a great day. Thanks for your encouragement.
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