I'm dating a recovering addict. Can anyone answer some questions for me!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: boston, MA
Posts: 2
I'm dating a recovering addict. Can anyone answer some questions for me!?
Ok so here's the story...
Me and my X were best friends for a year before we ever started dating. We instantly had a strong bond and understood each other more than anyone I've ever met. To make a long story short, we dated for 2 and a half years living together for the most of it. A year ago last month I got fed up with his cocaine addiction and weekend binges where he'd either disappear for days or come home blacked out and harass me, so I kicked him out. We were off and on after this, mostly because I couldn't convince myself to leave him at such a low point in his life even though he treated me horrible. I tried my hardest to "lay down the law" and tell him to get help but nothing seemed to work ( even losing me). Over the summer he was arrested two separate times, both of which I was his one call for help. He would tell me that he needed help, yet every time I tried to give him a list of places to get help or meetings to go to, he never went. After these arrest he stayed sober for about two months until he found out I was trying to move on and was seeing someone else. This is when he relapsed and blamed it ALL on me. He said that I was the only reason he was back doing drugs. I told him this was an unhealthy way to think and to only call me when he got professional help. I THEN found out that on one of his binge nights he accidentally did heroine (thinking it was a line of cocaine). He stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital. I found out about this and my heart dropped. This was about two months ago and he has been sober since. I stopped seeing the new person because even though he is an addict, i realized I love him more than anything or anyone. We recently started hanging out again under the conditions that he has to stay sober, I'm still very cautious and apprehensive. He claims he'll really stay sober this time because he realized what really matters in life having an almost death experience. And he also apologized for treating me so horribly before.
My question is : Can someone really stop cold turkey like this if they really want to. I'm apprehensive about a relationship with him because his possible relapse makes me nervous. I Continue too think he still should seek professional help but he says he doesn't need it.
I should probably also mention that he continues to hang around the same friends that are also addicts and has convinced himself that the challenge of " saying no" is good for him and makes him stronger. I 100% DISAGREE.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!?!?
Me and my X were best friends for a year before we ever started dating. We instantly had a strong bond and understood each other more than anyone I've ever met. To make a long story short, we dated for 2 and a half years living together for the most of it. A year ago last month I got fed up with his cocaine addiction and weekend binges where he'd either disappear for days or come home blacked out and harass me, so I kicked him out. We were off and on after this, mostly because I couldn't convince myself to leave him at such a low point in his life even though he treated me horrible. I tried my hardest to "lay down the law" and tell him to get help but nothing seemed to work ( even losing me). Over the summer he was arrested two separate times, both of which I was his one call for help. He would tell me that he needed help, yet every time I tried to give him a list of places to get help or meetings to go to, he never went. After these arrest he stayed sober for about two months until he found out I was trying to move on and was seeing someone else. This is when he relapsed and blamed it ALL on me. He said that I was the only reason he was back doing drugs. I told him this was an unhealthy way to think and to only call me when he got professional help. I THEN found out that on one of his binge nights he accidentally did heroine (thinking it was a line of cocaine). He stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital. I found out about this and my heart dropped. This was about two months ago and he has been sober since. I stopped seeing the new person because even though he is an addict, i realized I love him more than anything or anyone. We recently started hanging out again under the conditions that he has to stay sober, I'm still very cautious and apprehensive. He claims he'll really stay sober this time because he realized what really matters in life having an almost death experience. And he also apologized for treating me so horribly before.
My question is : Can someone really stop cold turkey like this if they really want to. I'm apprehensive about a relationship with him because his possible relapse makes me nervous. I Continue too think he still should seek professional help but he says he doesn't need it.
I should probably also mention that he continues to hang around the same friends that are also addicts and has convinced himself that the challenge of " saying no" is good for him and makes him stronger. I 100% DISAGREE.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!?!?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think you see the red flags all over this relationship, yes? It is unlikely he can just stop, especially when he continues to hang out with drug friends and puts himself in temptation's way.
I think the question might be, are YOU prepared to live like this the rest of your life?
Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top and get to know others here who have been where you are.
Welcome to SR.
Hugs
I think the question might be, are YOU prepared to live like this the rest of your life?
Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top and get to know others here who have been where you are.
Welcome to SR.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
I fully agree with Ann. You have to stop thinking about what he is or is not doing and start thinking about the kind of life YOU want.
He has been clean before, so this is nothing new. But he has never stayed that way for long and doesn't seem to be doing anything different that might make it reasonable to think that this time would be any different.
He is an addict in a "sober moment" - - not, in my opinion, an addict in recovery.
I think the bigger question for you is why are you so drawn to his chaos? Is what "used to be" worth living with what *is*?
I am a big fan of alanon/naranon. They are a great group, and will help you help yourself.
Remember the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
Hope you stick around and learn more from all the great people here on SR.
He has been clean before, so this is nothing new. But he has never stayed that way for long and doesn't seem to be doing anything different that might make it reasonable to think that this time would be any different.
He is an addict in a "sober moment" - - not, in my opinion, an addict in recovery.
I think the bigger question for you is why are you so drawn to his chaos? Is what "used to be" worth living with what *is*?
I am a big fan of alanon/naranon. They are a great group, and will help you help yourself.
Remember the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
Hope you stick around and learn more from all the great people here on SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: boston, MA
Posts: 2
Thanks so much for the advice. It took me months of being in the dumps, crying, and being so angry I could kill him to realized I needed to start living my life for me. I have since got a roommate, got a great job where I travel most of the time, and have found myself again after being so focused on " us". I am at a happy place in my life and I just dont understand why I still love someone so much who is such a potential danger to me. He does however treat me great now and I am very happy with the way things are going. I have told him I want to take things slow, and am not fully invested in the relationship as I was before.
Is there anyway I can convince him to get help, even though he's been sober for two months now?? none of you think he might actually keep it up this time?
I'm only asking because I was once an addict and my mother's suicide attempts made me realize how precious life is and that I was wasting mine. I made a decision to stop and never looked back. I'm over a year sober and know I will never relapse. Im just hoping maybe he can do the same??
Is there anyway I can convince him to get help, even though he's been sober for two months now?? none of you think he might actually keep it up this time?
I'm only asking because I was once an addict and my mother's suicide attempts made me realize how precious life is and that I was wasting mine. I made a decision to stop and never looked back. I'm over a year sober and know I will never relapse. Im just hoping maybe he can do the same??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm glad that you are working on things for yourself. That really helps keep the focus on you. Is he going to meetings? What is he doing to stay clean? You need to judge his actions, not his words.
You are not responsible for his relapse. That is a choice that he made.
You are not responsible for his relapse. That is a choice that he made.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Hey girl, i understand what it's like to date a coke addict. My ABF is one also and binges every week. He has said several times he wants to stop and should stop but never does, he just doesn't want to get help yet.
I hope your boyfriend can stay clean and will stay clean, but from a lot of peoples experiences who post here, it's often very unlikely unless they go to 'recovery' with some sort of program or meetings.
In the meantime, enjoy his 'sober' time, but it's always possible he could relapse. It happens a lot!!
Look after yourself which it seems you are doing, and try not to get too focussed on his recovery cause it can be unhealthy for you too.
I hope things stay on track
~Limiya~
I hope your boyfriend can stay clean and will stay clean, but from a lot of peoples experiences who post here, it's often very unlikely unless they go to 'recovery' with some sort of program or meetings.
In the meantime, enjoy his 'sober' time, but it's always possible he could relapse. It happens a lot!!
Look after yourself which it seems you are doing, and try not to get too focussed on his recovery cause it can be unhealthy for you too.
I hope things stay on track
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Hanging out with his old pals is a red flag, to me.
How do you know he's sober? Some people are able to hide their usage of opiates very well, especially from people who do not know what to look for or, like most folk, are not looking. Many use only on occasion until that occasion become daily, then throughout the day. They beleive they can control it until it controls them.
Proceed with caution and keep the focus on you and your own life. It's too easy to get sucked into someone else's addiction and ensuing problems and lose yourself to it.
How do you know he's sober? Some people are able to hide their usage of opiates very well, especially from people who do not know what to look for or, like most folk, are not looking. Many use only on occasion until that occasion become daily, then throughout the day. They beleive they can control it until it controls them.
Proceed with caution and keep the focus on you and your own life. It's too easy to get sucked into someone else's addiction and ensuing problems and lose yourself to it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
I think it is pretty rare that someone can just stop and stay clean without help, you say you were an addict. Well use yourself as the excuse for him to go with you to meetings....tell him you want to make sure you stay clean and you need his help. See if he is there for you. I think you would be better to move on, you have made a great life for yourself. It doesn't sound like your ready to do that so I think you are smart not to commit to this relationship, just stay guarded it will show itself eventually. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
It wasn't until my husband had over a year and a half clean and was actively working on himself that I dared to consider him a "Recovering Addict"... Everything was just a wait and see... Was he just "abstaining" from using or waiting until he felt "safe" to use again... He now has over 2 years and 2 months clean AND in some form of a program...
It isn't what an addict SAYS, it is what an addict DOES, that one can measure the sincerity of recovery...
I applaud you on your year of sobriety!!
It isn't what an addict SAYS, it is what an addict DOES, that one can measure the sincerity of recovery...
I applaud you on your year of sobriety!!
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by equinegirl13 
and have found myself again after being so focused on " us". I am at a happy place in my life and I just dont understand why I still love someone so much who is such a potential danger to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
The one thing i didnt mention in my other post.. I am also a recovering addict. Ive got over 5 years clean..my drug of choice..opiates. I was really bad, put my husband through hell..and one day i woke up and said "im tired of this" ..had a meeting with my councelors at the methadone clinic & asked for special permission to quit..in my own way & after weeks of waiting for thier descision, they agreed to let me AMA off the methadone the way i wanted to do it.well I am over 5 years ..never attended any kind of meeting or those types of things..i did it becuase i made up my mind & when i said i was all done..i WAS DONE. I had been using for at least 15 years.
Since then i have never been tempted, becuase i NEVER want to go through methadone withdrawel again, its NO picnic.
So..there is a chance that he does mean he is all done, that was my 3rd attempt over a span of a few years..I just went through 3.5 months of HELL with my BF, i never thought we'd survive this. I had so much advice from everyone & alot of people on here..they all said the same thing..RUN RUN RUN !!..but in the back of my mind I knew what i had been through & knew what it took me to be all done..so I believed that it was possible for him to quit & i loved him enough to somehow push through the HELL i was living..which i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy..cuz it was HORRIBLE. In hopes that he would stop..well he has 5 days off the crack/booze & it hasnt been easy on him, especially with his phone ringing off the wall from dealers & crack buddies..
I am surrounded by temptation, my dearest friends have severe crack/heroin problems & even offer it to me on a regular basis (nice friends)..but I ALWAYZ tell them "i dont need that **** ".
its a HUGE choice to make for someone to stay with an addict, it can be dangerous & all sorts of other things..and most addicts never stop..but some of do, never lose hope for the person, even if you choose to not stay in the relationship.
I know they would consider me to still be an addict...but i dont consider myself one anymore. (except for food..lol)
Since then i have never been tempted, becuase i NEVER want to go through methadone withdrawel again, its NO picnic.
So..there is a chance that he does mean he is all done, that was my 3rd attempt over a span of a few years..I just went through 3.5 months of HELL with my BF, i never thought we'd survive this. I had so much advice from everyone & alot of people on here..they all said the same thing..RUN RUN RUN !!..but in the back of my mind I knew what i had been through & knew what it took me to be all done..so I believed that it was possible for him to quit & i loved him enough to somehow push through the HELL i was living..which i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy..cuz it was HORRIBLE. In hopes that he would stop..well he has 5 days off the crack/booze & it hasnt been easy on him, especially with his phone ringing off the wall from dealers & crack buddies..
I am surrounded by temptation, my dearest friends have severe crack/heroin problems & even offer it to me on a regular basis (nice friends)..but I ALWAYZ tell them "i dont need that **** ".
its a HUGE choice to make for someone to stay with an addict, it can be dangerous & all sorts of other things..and most addicts never stop..but some of do, never lose hope for the person, even if you choose to not stay in the relationship.
I know they would consider me to still be an addict...but i dont consider myself one anymore. (except for food..lol)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You are wise to be guarded in the relationship at this point. Taking care of you and sticking to what you want for your life is the key. He will do whatever he is going to do. Hopefully stay clean, just like you. BUT... even clean, living with someone who struggles with addcition AND then sees no value in getting help, cuz..."I don't have a problem. I am not doing it any more".... can be a huge load of denial on his part.
Actions. Can his behaviors change without figuring out why he was doing it in the first place? He may not be using... but IMO unless he faces what was going on and why... he can't totally fix it.
Take care of you. It matters and you deserve it.
Actions. Can his behaviors change without figuring out why he was doing it in the first place? He may not be using... but IMO unless he faces what was going on and why... he can't totally fix it.
Take care of you. It matters and you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 1
If you love him more than anything or anyone then maybe you should see if he can stay sober a year before you will get back into a relationship with him. Right now he's scared of death and that can make even the sickest addict well TEMPORARILY! Only you know the true extent of what you two have already been through and you have to be whole heartedly honest when you ask yourself if you want to spend one more day of your life wondering if today will be the day that the sh.. hits the fan again. Best of luck to you!!
Standing by his side
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: baltimore md.
Posts: 32
I realized, and it took me awhile to get it, but you can't be around people that use if you want to stay clean. I tried to tell myself that my BF could still have a relationship with his mother that is a addict herself and was feeding his addiction. I never in a million years thought these words would ever come from my mouth. It's me or your mother? pick one. I think it hurt me more to say them words than it was for him to here them. but if i was going to support him, have a relationship,he was going to be in my home and he really wanted to beat this and be a father. I was going to say it. did he slip up there? yes he did. but after calling him on it, I think he finally realized that he can't stay clean and sober and be around the problem.
Can he ever have a relationship with his mother?????
Can he ever have a relationship with his mother?????
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
equinegirl13... not picking on you... but use your own words...
You say - I should probably also mention that he continues to hang around the same friends that are also addicts and has convinced himself that the challenge of " saying no" is good for him and makes him stronger. I 100% DISAGREE
You also say - I am surrounded by temptation, my dearest friends have severe crack/heroin problems & even offer it to me on a regular basis (nice friends)..but I ALWAYZ tell them "I dont need that **** ".
:wtf2
I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but seriously... can you see the conflict in what you say?
Speaking from experience... I married a "recovered alcoholic/addict" and it is NEVER what they say.... it is 100% what they DO... period. May I suggest that you read Anvil's post on Co-Addiction.... it's really, really good and I think a good place for answers. If you like the confusion now... marry him... it only get's worse until HE decides he's had enough. Much love and luck to you.
You say - I should probably also mention that he continues to hang around the same friends that are also addicts and has convinced himself that the challenge of " saying no" is good for him and makes him stronger. I 100% DISAGREE
You also say - I am surrounded by temptation, my dearest friends have severe crack/heroin problems & even offer it to me on a regular basis (nice friends)..but I ALWAYZ tell them "I dont need that **** ".
:wtf2
I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but seriously... can you see the conflict in what you say?
Speaking from experience... I married a "recovered alcoholic/addict" and it is NEVER what they say.... it is 100% what they DO... period. May I suggest that you read Anvil's post on Co-Addiction.... it's really, really good and I think a good place for answers. If you like the confusion now... marry him... it only get's worse until HE decides he's had enough. Much love and luck to you.
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