gotahavfaith

I came here to vent today!!! I am so angry and disappointed with myself. Then I read posts like Jason's and wonder whether I have any right to complain. I think if i can't put this on paper tho, I will explode. So, I am sorry if I ramble.

I have kept this all in for the last couple of months and I swore that I wasn't going to do that. My 24 year old AD relapsed after 8 months of being clean. She and her 2 children (ages 2,5)live with me. I swore that if she used again I would not help her again. Well guess what! She came to me and spilled her guts and it was bad. She almost got busted and I think that is what scared her. She spent all her income tax money except for the $600.00 I got out of it. She made an appt with an addiction doctor and was put back on suboxone on Thursday and guess who paid for that visit. Why do I keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I do not want to have to raise my grandchildren, not that I don't love them and not that I don't do most of it when she is using, but this just isn't what I had envisioned for my life. I can't even write anymore right now!!! Sorry to be feeling so sorry for myself when other people are in alot worse places than I am. Thanks For Listening.
Gotahavfaith

Amazonqueen522

You are a loving, caring, mom.....and you love your daughter so much, to bad she doesnt realize that if she continues its going to lead to a dead end road....

God Bless you and your family,

addiction is hard on everyone, I should know I'm an alcoholic in recovery......

greeteachday

I'm so sorry you are back on the roller coaster. It has to be very difficult not to "help" when there are young children involved.
Have you tried meetings? I find that the face to face interaction and knowing I can make a phone call any time and have an ear to listen and understand and lots of shared experience is so halpful to me in recovery.
Hope you can focus on you and the kids and let her take care of her side of the street. Hugs

cassandra2

A few weeks ago my abf, whom had been clean for almost 90 days from opiates, had begun to show relapse signs. Somedays I "heard" his addiction speaking loud and clear. I saw some of the typical addict actions all over again.

When I began to see these things I realized he was headed for a relapse. In a way I was preparing myself for this because when it did happen I wasnt angry at all.

I guess what may be helpful in your situation is to keep telling yourself "that is what addicts do" then when your daughter does something, relapse, it doesnt effect you so much.

I just keep reading what addicts do and keep telling myself that over and over. I find it helpful to remember that especially when feelings begin to come up about HIS addiction. I tell myself that and then I let it go.

I cant even imagine the pain you are in especially when faced with the fact of possibly raising your grandchildren. So I wont even begin to say I understand your situation. But I do understand addiction and HIS addiction WILL NOT rule my life or my feelings. Period.

Prayers to you and your family....

gotahavfaith

Thanks guys. This place really helps me, you just don't know how much. And Greet, I have a great group of people in the Alanon meeting that I attend but I just can't make myself go. WHY???? Its not like they would judge me or anything. This time I just can't seem to bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I have cut off everyone, my friends, my family, my husband, and I can't hardly stand myself. I've taken this last week off of work and have just cut myself off. I ran into one of my friends yesterday whose son is an addict also, he is doing well and she attends alanon, has called me several times to check on me and I just can't call her back. WHY??? Here I go again, crying like a big baby!!!

Cass- I saw it coming to, but I guess I just kept hoping that she would get it under control. I'm trying to pound it in my head THAT IS WHAT ADDICTS DO!
Thank you guys for being there!
Hugs to all
Gotahavfaith

marle

Your daughter did not lose those 8 months of clean time. Maybe that is why she wanted help again so quickly. Suboxone is a great help in staying clean, but without a program it is all too easy to relapse. Maybe tell her that this is the last time that she can count on you for help. Maybe that will be the incentive she needs to do something differently this time. Also when I start to see old behaviors with my daughter, I call her on it. Relapse starts a long time before they actually pick up a drug. Hugs, Marle

marle

One other thing. My daughter had a couple of close calls with the police when she and her abf had a large amount of drugs in their car. Both times they got lucky, but it was part of my daughter's bottom, realizing that she would not have much of a future if she had a felony record. So this scare could be your daughter's bottom. I know it hard not to but don't give up hope. Hugs, Marle

Serenity Bound

I can completely understand when there are grand-children involved. As I have two, my AD has 90+ days clean, and she's going thru alot of problems with her marriage, so everyday I have to pray & leave her up to her HP. And yep, we keep helping because we love them so much. As Marle said she came to you rather quickly, and wanted to get clean again, so IMO any clean time is good.

I also know alot about isolation, I used to do that ALL the time. Still do occasionally. And when I don't feel up to going to a meetings, I know that is when I need it most.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

lovemykids

I soooooooooo understanding the cutting everyone off. I do however talk to my husband which I am thankful for.

My mother called me today and said that I never call her anymore and how we talked everyday on the phone before. I just said that I have nothing to say right now.

I am going out with a friend from work on tuesday though, I don't feel like going but I have to make myself, she would be very dissapointed if I cancelled.

It is March Break for school so I have the next week off, a very much needed week off so I can definately relate there with you as well.

I am really glad you posted, please don't feel hesitant to post on how you feel and what is going on in your life or your families, we are all here for you and each other

MyJoey

gotahavfaith,
I would say that is about as bad as it comes, I would not want to raise my grand children either. I think sometimes addicts use their addictions to avoid their own responsibilities and I can totally understand why you are desperate for her to get and stay clean, I would be also. What a disappointment after being clean so long, hopefully since she came to you early on she can get cleaned back up and find a plan to stay to course. Maybe it is time to take control of her money till she is able to care for it herself (not using it for drugs) lay down some harder rules for her in your house. I am so sorry for you both and I will have you in my prayers. ((((support and hugs))))

JustAYak

Don't base your post of mine or any others. If it's gonna help you, post it. You've got every right to vent and express yourself as anyone else.

I think everything that we do "over and over again" is all part of a big process. I use over and over again until I finally think I've learned something from it and then stop, at least for a while. It's like a small process within the big picture...if I fall back into using again, I'll go through the little small process till I learn something and stop. One time it'll be for good and the big picture will be complete. Sorry if that is not particularly clear to you, that's just how I see it..

winnie12

Jason is right. its a journey not a sprint. Sometimes we learn more from the failures then the successess.

gotahavfaith

Thank you everyone for your support. Today I am at work and actually reading back over that post I'm a little embarassed. I am in such a bad place in my own mind right now that its hard to express how I feel. My daughter starts counseling today, so I guess for that I am grateful. The doctor talked to me the other day about my daughter and said that she needed all my support. I wanted to scream, WHAT do you think I have been doing. This has been such a long road and some days I just want it all to be over, but I guess it never will. I went to the forum for addicts last night and read some of the posts there so I am trying my best today to show some compassion, I have been so angry! I do understand that this is a disease but some days it is just harder to accept than others. For today I will be grateful that I have a program, it may not be much of one right now, but I do have a program. Again, I appreciate your support.
Gotahavfaith