How to start on me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
How to start on me
My wife moved out Feb 13. The former coke addict she fell in love with during her rehab moved in on Valentine's day. I learned from a text message from my 17 year old step daughter that he had moved in and mom and new BF were sleeping together, I needed to stop talking to her Mom, because she was snooping through her cell phone. I had already known they had an affair just two weeks earlier in a hotel in Pittsburgh. The day the plane landed from rehab she asked for a divorce. The next morning she booked the hotel room for the affair.
I could tell you alot about my wife's affair up until she moved out. I could tell you what I thought our life was before I found out she was using morphine, dilaudid, and fentanyl. I realize now. I was lied to on every level, because I did not see the useage until she hit detox. I am told she was using for over a year. The BF has even told me I am an idiot for not seeing it, obviously he knows so much better. I have no idea what she is thinking now. To paraphrase, the only things we have talked about in the past month since she got home are: I want a divorce. I don't love you like a woman should love a husband. I do love my new BF that way and I have never been happier. You deserve better and one day you will find it. I can't afford the divorce. I'm broke he's paying for everything but the rent, which I took from you for the first 6 months and all the furniture. Nevermind I can't support my two kids. I want the Mercedes, and the GPS.
Now having only given you the tip of the iceberg recap, why can't I stop focusing on this woman. Everytime I finally start working on resume and sending out job applications and trying to move away. She "checks" on me. Let's me know paradise is not that serene. I still expect her to crash, since I never feel like she focused on her recovery while she was in rehab. She only focused on him. We have been together for 12 years. I want to be there for her when she crashes. But, a big part of me realizes that the reason she went to him instead of me, is that I have always taken care of her. Cleaned up her messes, raised her kids and given her unconditional love all the time. Easy to take that for granted huh. Especially since she can still get it even after an intimate affair with another man. He won't do that. More pressure to stay clean and work your own program if no one will help you out right. Plus addicts can only have successful relationships with other addicts. Everyone in her AA meetings agrees with that. Divorce is her only option just don't expect her to do all the work involved. She only wants to show up and sign.
I don't know why I can't stop reaching out to her. I think I am the most angry cause even though I think she is the unrational one, she is right and I am totally unrational! I am better off without her. I do deserve better. She has even taken care of everything for me for once, just like all her other presents to me, she picks it out and I pay for it. Logically I know I need to leave. So why do I have trouble focusing on me and moving my life forward?:wtf2 Emotionally I am stuck. I really believe I am insane. Instead of getting easier, it keeps getting harder to focus on myself. I don't think I can make it.
I could tell you alot about my wife's affair up until she moved out. I could tell you what I thought our life was before I found out she was using morphine, dilaudid, and fentanyl. I realize now. I was lied to on every level, because I did not see the useage until she hit detox. I am told she was using for over a year. The BF has even told me I am an idiot for not seeing it, obviously he knows so much better. I have no idea what she is thinking now. To paraphrase, the only things we have talked about in the past month since she got home are: I want a divorce. I don't love you like a woman should love a husband. I do love my new BF that way and I have never been happier. You deserve better and one day you will find it. I can't afford the divorce. I'm broke he's paying for everything but the rent, which I took from you for the first 6 months and all the furniture. Nevermind I can't support my two kids. I want the Mercedes, and the GPS.
Now having only given you the tip of the iceberg recap, why can't I stop focusing on this woman. Everytime I finally start working on resume and sending out job applications and trying to move away. She "checks" on me. Let's me know paradise is not that serene. I still expect her to crash, since I never feel like she focused on her recovery while she was in rehab. She only focused on him. We have been together for 12 years. I want to be there for her when she crashes. But, a big part of me realizes that the reason she went to him instead of me, is that I have always taken care of her. Cleaned up her messes, raised her kids and given her unconditional love all the time. Easy to take that for granted huh. Especially since she can still get it even after an intimate affair with another man. He won't do that. More pressure to stay clean and work your own program if no one will help you out right. Plus addicts can only have successful relationships with other addicts. Everyone in her AA meetings agrees with that. Divorce is her only option just don't expect her to do all the work involved. She only wants to show up and sign.
I don't know why I can't stop reaching out to her. I think I am the most angry cause even though I think she is the unrational one, she is right and I am totally unrational! I am better off without her. I do deserve better. She has even taken care of everything for me for once, just like all her other presents to me, she picks it out and I pay for it. Logically I know I need to leave. So why do I have trouble focusing on me and moving my life forward?:wtf2 Emotionally I am stuck. I really believe I am insane. Instead of getting easier, it keeps getting harder to focus on myself. I don't think I can make it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
I wish I had the answers you are seeking, however I don't. I realize the pain you are feeling, and sometimes we have to go through the pain in order to find ourselves again. It takes time, especially after twelve years of being together. Go easy on yourself, see if you can find some local counseling or support groups and keep posting here, so that others may be able to offer some guidance on your journey back to yourself. Hopefully, you will become stronger, wiser and more together than ever before. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Brownimr)))
Welcome to SR!!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us. There are a lot of us, here, who understand what you're going through.
I'm a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I spent many, many years in a relationship with a man who, for many reasons, was not right for me. I did it because I'm a codie..I put everything I had into HIM. Sure, I had a job, my own place to live (we weren't married) but still, I was totally focused on him.
Have you considered al-anon or nar-anon meetings? They are a great source of support, for people who love addicts/alcoholics. There are usually more al-anon meetings than nar-anon. They will help you to learn how to focus more on YOU and less on HER.
An addict usually has to hit bottom before they want recovery. This usually doesn't happen until they run out of people to enable them and they are forced to deal with their consequences.
The same goes for codies..we, too have to hit bottom. We usually have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, that we are willing to start making changes.
There is a lot of good information in the stickies...the posts at the top of this forum.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You are among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us. There are a lot of us, here, who understand what you're going through.
I'm a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I spent many, many years in a relationship with a man who, for many reasons, was not right for me. I did it because I'm a codie..I put everything I had into HIM. Sure, I had a job, my own place to live (we weren't married) but still, I was totally focused on him.
Have you considered al-anon or nar-anon meetings? They are a great source of support, for people who love addicts/alcoholics. There are usually more al-anon meetings than nar-anon. They will help you to learn how to focus more on YOU and less on HER.
An addict usually has to hit bottom before they want recovery. This usually doesn't happen until they run out of people to enable them and they are forced to deal with their consequences.
The same goes for codies..we, too have to hit bottom. We usually have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, that we are willing to start making changes.
There is a lot of good information in the stickies...the posts at the top of this forum.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You are among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
You've found a good place, welcome to SR.
Take it easy on yourself. You are not insane. You are not an idiot. Addiction can destroy us loved ones as well as the addict --- if we let it. It's easy to get caught up in the insanity. Finding this place (almost a year ago) has been a blessing for me. Hope you stick around, read the stickies, and continue to share.
Oh and as far as starting on you.....start doing things for yourself...even if they are small steps....make a point of doing something you enjoy or spending time with friends/family. Anything you can do to get your mind focused less on her and more on yourself. It may not be an easy task, but a little at a time really can do wonders in the long run.
Take it easy on yourself. You are not insane. You are not an idiot. Addiction can destroy us loved ones as well as the addict --- if we let it. It's easy to get caught up in the insanity. Finding this place (almost a year ago) has been a blessing for me. Hope you stick around, read the stickies, and continue to share.
Oh and as far as starting on you.....start doing things for yourself...even if they are small steps....make a point of doing something you enjoy or spending time with friends/family. Anything you can do to get your mind focused less on her and more on yourself. It may not be an easy task, but a little at a time really can do wonders in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
First of all welcome to SR. Sorry to hear about your situation.
Second, you are not crazy or insane. You have just dealt with a couple of really big blows and are being too hard on yourself. Addicts are very clever at hiding their disease and there are alot of people here who did not know that their spouse or child was addicted to anything. That is NOT unusual.
And not only that but now you have to deal with the loss of a 12 year marriage, for you it seems you were walking around in a fog right up until the day your wife left. That in itself is painful and difficult to process. And its only been a few weeks. This is alll new and fresh and its no wonder you feel the way you do.
I really would encourage you to get to an al anon meeting. I believe you were misinformed about the whole addicts only being able to have successful relationships with other addicts. If anything they would be telling her NOT to make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety and NOT to start any new relationships in early sobriety.
First thing I would do is to stop ALL contact with your wife. Stop taking her calls when she "checks" in. I know that sounds harsh but it sounds like she is just dragging you back in with those calls and its more upsetting to you. We have to show others how to treat us and not allow others to abuse us. You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Work on just for today. THat is how I got through my abf's addiction and recovery and now relapse. Just for today, dont talk to your wife. Dont think about tomorrow or next week or anything beyond today. Just for today.
Sometimes its easier on our hearts and minds to process a little bit at a time. When you can just look at today it makes it alot easier to deal with. Be kind to yourself in that way.
Get to some meetings. Get out and get around other people. Keep reading and posting.....
Second, you are not crazy or insane. You have just dealt with a couple of really big blows and are being too hard on yourself. Addicts are very clever at hiding their disease and there are alot of people here who did not know that their spouse or child was addicted to anything. That is NOT unusual.
And not only that but now you have to deal with the loss of a 12 year marriage, for you it seems you were walking around in a fog right up until the day your wife left. That in itself is painful and difficult to process. And its only been a few weeks. This is alll new and fresh and its no wonder you feel the way you do.
I really would encourage you to get to an al anon meeting. I believe you were misinformed about the whole addicts only being able to have successful relationships with other addicts. If anything they would be telling her NOT to make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety and NOT to start any new relationships in early sobriety.
First thing I would do is to stop ALL contact with your wife. Stop taking her calls when she "checks" in. I know that sounds harsh but it sounds like she is just dragging you back in with those calls and its more upsetting to you. We have to show others how to treat us and not allow others to abuse us. You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Work on just for today. THat is how I got through my abf's addiction and recovery and now relapse. Just for today, dont talk to your wife. Dont think about tomorrow or next week or anything beyond today. Just for today.
Sometimes its easier on our hearts and minds to process a little bit at a time. When you can just look at today it makes it alot easier to deal with. Be kind to yourself in that way.
Get to some meetings. Get out and get around other people. Keep reading and posting.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meetings have helped so many of us regain our balance and find clarity once more. It takes courage to walk in to that first meeting, but I promise you it is one of the best gifts you could ever give yourself.
You've come to a good place here at SR, where so many understand how you feel because we've been there. Please make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends.
Hugs
You've come to a good place here at SR, where so many understand how you feel because we've been there. Please make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome...You have taken a great first step in restoring sanity in your life by admitting things are not what you'd like them to be and that there is something about you that is part of the issue and something you want to address.
As Ann said, I found Naranon and Alanon or CoDA meetings to be a true life saver. Talking face to face with folks who understand really helps as does coming here. Hope you stick around, read lots and post. We are here for you.
As Ann said, I found Naranon and Alanon or CoDA meetings to be a true life saver. Talking face to face with folks who understand really helps as does coming here. Hope you stick around, read lots and post. We are here for you.
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I know that it is difficult, my biggest success came when I started making a new routine and committing to it as if it were a new relationship-with myself. I kept my date at the library, social functions and talked to everyone I met about the weather, books etc. Friends will start surrounding you and you will feel better about your new life. It is change and no one adjusts equally. There are some great books on it if you are a reader and I can send you a list, but the most important thing is to create and follow through on a new life for you. Join a gym, you can meet people and get in shape. Plus healthy people tend to hang out there and you may even meet a new workout partner. It is never too late to start living. Today is a new day and I will choose to start living today. I know it is difficult but even when you are lonely, know that you are in a better place-moving forward. Be proud, you are doing it one day at a time. Yeah, it sucks but hey, there are a million people in this world and your chances of finding 3 really good friends are in your favor. You can do it!!! 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 38
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with others. I feel joining a support group would be helpful, and finding new activities to fill your enjoyment time would help your heart. Meeting new people saves you, brings back your strength, and brings back the true self within. It is time for celebration when your true self begins to re-emerge. You do NOT deserve what is happening!
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