AH suggested marriage counseling...
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AH suggested marriage counseling...
Last night we had another talk, or rather I just nodded/agreed as he talked. He feels that other than our lack of sex, we have a pretty good relationship. Of course he'd been drinking again, somewhere in the 6-beer range. No, he wasn't drunk, but it's more to me that he has to drink in order to "have a good time".
To him our lack of sex is our only major problem. He asks me questions and generally I say I don't know because most of the time I don't. I don't know my own emotions and feelings, I don't understand sometimes the way I feel that I do. I'd love to be able to know the answers to my own thoughts, but I don't. I'm pretty sure it's due to all the years of being belittled and yelled at, the years of the Jekyl/Hyde persona from AH.
I know if I told AH this he'd say I need to get over the f'n past and move on, that he's not like that any more and I hold onto things. Me telling him is a mute point as I don't want to hear about how I need to get over it.
AH suggested we attend marriage counseling. I agreed and said it would probably be a good idea, which is the truth. I believe I might be able to understand me more, how I feel the way I do and help me all around. It would help our kids and might even help AH.
That idea didn't last too long. It was shortly followed up by what can a therapist do for us that we can't just tell each other. I think the point of a therapist is for communication when you feel you can't tell each other things and you don't understand your own feelings/emotions.
I knew that he wouldn't go through with his own therapist suggestion, so I agreed to it because I would like to go.
SOOOO, this morning I thought if I want it I'm going to do it,, to heck with him. I'm currently looking up local counselors to see if there's someone I might be able to talk too. I don't need to wait for him, I can do this because I want and need too.
To him our lack of sex is our only major problem. He asks me questions and generally I say I don't know because most of the time I don't. I don't know my own emotions and feelings, I don't understand sometimes the way I feel that I do. I'd love to be able to know the answers to my own thoughts, but I don't. I'm pretty sure it's due to all the years of being belittled and yelled at, the years of the Jekyl/Hyde persona from AH.
I know if I told AH this he'd say I need to get over the f'n past and move on, that he's not like that any more and I hold onto things. Me telling him is a mute point as I don't want to hear about how I need to get over it.
AH suggested we attend marriage counseling. I agreed and said it would probably be a good idea, which is the truth. I believe I might be able to understand me more, how I feel the way I do and help me all around. It would help our kids and might even help AH.
That idea didn't last too long. It was shortly followed up by what can a therapist do for us that we can't just tell each other. I think the point of a therapist is for communication when you feel you can't tell each other things and you don't understand your own feelings/emotions.
I knew that he wouldn't go through with his own therapist suggestion, so I agreed to it because I would like to go.
SOOOO, this morning I thought if I want it I'm going to do it,, to heck with him. I'm currently looking up local counselors to see if there's someone I might be able to talk too. I don't need to wait for him, I can do this because I want and need too.
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inahaze,
I did both couples and individual counseling when I was trying to figure it all out, and individual counseling was about 1000% more helpful.
Couples counseling was his suggestion, just like with your AH. And it turned into a master manipulation-fest. Wouldn't likely repeat that, especially if my unfaithful, abusive, active-alcoholic husband thought the only thing wrong with our relationship was that he wasn't getting enough. That's a recipe for failure.
But individual counseling was one of the best things I ever did. You may find it a great tool in getting strong, healthy, and focused on your own happiness.
Hugs,
GL
I did both couples and individual counseling when I was trying to figure it all out, and individual counseling was about 1000% more helpful.
Couples counseling was his suggestion, just like with your AH. And it turned into a master manipulation-fest. Wouldn't likely repeat that, especially if my unfaithful, abusive, active-alcoholic husband thought the only thing wrong with our relationship was that he wasn't getting enough. That's a recipe for failure.
But individual counseling was one of the best things I ever did. You may find it a great tool in getting strong, healthy, and focused on your own happiness.
Hugs,
GL
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yay,
I love having my therapy (although it often upsets me at the time) but I feel so much better for having that just for me.
we tried 3 whole sessions of marriage counselling early last year (or maybe the year before), I found the counsellor, I chose the male one as I thought AH would be less likely to dismiss a man as siding with me (gosh what a great codie I am: he'd said this about female counsellors always siding with women before).
He moaned about going to them, cancelled 2 of them (I rearranged the first one, but after the second gave up) and talked throughout all of them.
and then there was the elephant......
It all just seemed so pointless given that he wouldn't address his alcoholism, and the counsellor didn't have the skills to deal with the fantasy that AH was spinning, he was all about bringing our perceptions of life closer together, emphasising our similarities and the positives of our marriage and bigging up the fun we had.
....well I don't need any help to buy into a fantasy world tbh, I need help seeing the REAL world.
I hope you find the counselling for you helpful
I love having my therapy (although it often upsets me at the time) but I feel so much better for having that just for me.
we tried 3 whole sessions of marriage counselling early last year (or maybe the year before), I found the counsellor, I chose the male one as I thought AH would be less likely to dismiss a man as siding with me (gosh what a great codie I am: he'd said this about female counsellors always siding with women before).
He moaned about going to them, cancelled 2 of them (I rearranged the first one, but after the second gave up) and talked throughout all of them.
and then there was the elephant......
It all just seemed so pointless given that he wouldn't address his alcoholism, and the counsellor didn't have the skills to deal with the fantasy that AH was spinning, he was all about bringing our perceptions of life closer together, emphasising our similarities and the positives of our marriage and bigging up the fun we had.
....well I don't need any help to buy into a fantasy world tbh, I need help seeing the REAL world.
I hope you find the counselling for you helpful
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He thinks if we had sex more(we really don't have sex much these days). Personally, I don't want to have that much intimacy with him, couple that with physical problems and I just don't care.
He really thinks if he got some more (1-2x's a week) things would be great. His entire thought process is based around great sex===good marriage. I hate to bust his bubble, but great sex is a result of a good marriage.
I don't like his drinking, I don't like his drinking around the kids, I don't like him drinking and driving home, I don't like him having to drink when we go somewhere. I don't like his lousy comments, I don't like his anger outbursts and I don't like how he talks down to people. I don't like that I have to consider the possibility of him having an affair. I don't like it when he goes out drinking and ends up staying the night somewhere because he's to drunk to drive home.
I've told him these things and they don't register.
He really thinks if he got some more (1-2x's a week) things would be great. His entire thought process is based around great sex===good marriage. I hate to bust his bubble, but great sex is a result of a good marriage.
I don't like his drinking, I don't like his drinking around the kids, I don't like him drinking and driving home, I don't like him having to drink when we go somewhere. I don't like his lousy comments, I don't like his anger outbursts and I don't like how he talks down to people. I don't like that I have to consider the possibility of him having an affair. I don't like it when he goes out drinking and ends up staying the night somewhere because he's to drunk to drive home.
I've told him these things and they don't register.
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Can you define his drinking a bit more?
He getting drunk every day? Getting drunk and out of control etc. ? You obviously feel drinking is a problem among other things going on in your marriage. I'm guessing, or should I, that, you've mentioned his drinking is a problem?
Would I be wrong to speculate, your hubby doesn't feel he has a drinking problem?
He getting drunk every day? Getting drunk and out of control etc. ? You obviously feel drinking is a problem among other things going on in your marriage. I'm guessing, or should I, that, you've mentioned his drinking is a problem?
Would I be wrong to speculate, your hubby doesn't feel he has a drinking problem?
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My husband drinks 5 out of 7 nights a week, 6-12 beer a night generally. The six doesn't get him drunk, but it's enough he shouldn't be driving. He drinks while he has our kids at home(I work 2nd shift). He throws tantrums, last month he put a hole through the kids wall, month before he was beating the walls and yelling in front of the kids and my 11 year old cousin. He goes to the bar a couple of times a month, sometimes he stays the night at a friends house, other times he comes home. He become verbally abusive at times still, he belittles and antagonizes situations and he throws in snide, little remarks directed towards me in front of people.
Through our years together he's gone through periods of very heavy drinking/pot/pill usage to quitting to the drinking that he's now displaying.
Through our years together he's gone through periods of very heavy drinking/pot/pill usage to quitting to the drinking that he's now displaying.
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I've mentioned his drinking on numerous occassions. The last time was end of Nov/first of Dec, the result was 2 days of him completely not talking to me and ending the silence by him yelling at me for saying something.
I've never mentioned AA as he has no problem with drinking, so AA is totally out.
Yep, I did ask him to quit once and he did for about a 18 months. During that time he still didn't do anything with us, he still didn't watch the kids, he still griped and bitched about my family, he still never went to one of the dozens of doctor trips for our son and he let our son almost die because he wasn't paying attention to him.
He says he won't quit drinking again because it didn't do any good.
I've never mentioned AA as he has no problem with drinking, so AA is totally out.
Yep, I did ask him to quit once and he did for about a 18 months. During that time he still didn't do anything with us, he still didn't watch the kids, he still griped and bitched about my family, he still never went to one of the dozens of doctor trips for our son and he let our son almost die because he wasn't paying attention to him.
He says he won't quit drinking again because it didn't do any good.
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inahaze
100% in denial just like my ex
and yes, i told my ex about the jekyll/hyde personalities. he did not know what i was talking about.
therapy will help you a lot, let us know how you are doing! going out from my own denial hurt, but if we do not do it, the vicious cycle never ends.
100% in denial just like my ex
and yes, i told my ex about the jekyll/hyde personalities. he did not know what i was talking about.
therapy will help you a lot, let us know how you are doing! going out from my own denial hurt, but if we do not do it, the vicious cycle never ends.
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You situation sounds so very similar to mine. I often think about getting counsling, but in the end I don't do it. I think I probably should.
I guess in ways I don't do it because I know I'll end up saying or doing something by thier suggestion that will **** him off and then I'll have to deal with the issue of him being mad about the councling. I should pobably take that as a sign that the relationship is no good, but instead I shy away from the councling... don't be like me.
I guess in ways I don't do it because I know I'll end up saying or doing something by thier suggestion that will **** him off and then I'll have to deal with the issue of him being mad about the councling. I should pobably take that as a sign that the relationship is no good, but instead I shy away from the councling... don't be like me.
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I go just for myself and love it!!! I also do Al-Anon and come here all of it really helps me. I did the marriage thing; it turned into a glorified quacking session with nothing being said about any major issues. So I quit after 3 times.
My AH gave me heck for not having much (if any) sex with him in the last couple of months. He also felt that was OUR BIGGEST ISSUE :wtf2. He told me HE didn't have a sex life (umm if he doesn't, I don't either) anyway, it's not easy to drum up anything for a guy who drinks 10+ beers a night (we wont be nit-picky over the porn and pot issues) and gets so sloppy drunk sometimes you can find him slumped over in his car passed out listening to Howard Stern at 3am!!! Very sexy! Gosh he makes my skin crawl...And the yummy smell of beer and cheap cigars that he smokes non-stop...
This is if I could just "over-look" the verbal, mental and emotional abuse of the family. We all know that has no effect on the sex-drive.
He seems to feel he always has a good excuse for his actions; but now that I'm in recovery..I know no excuse is a good excuse...
My AH gave me heck for not having much (if any) sex with him in the last couple of months. He also felt that was OUR BIGGEST ISSUE :wtf2. He told me HE didn't have a sex life (umm if he doesn't, I don't either) anyway, it's not easy to drum up anything for a guy who drinks 10+ beers a night (we wont be nit-picky over the porn and pot issues) and gets so sloppy drunk sometimes you can find him slumped over in his car passed out listening to Howard Stern at 3am!!! Very sexy! Gosh he makes my skin crawl...And the yummy smell of beer and cheap cigars that he smokes non-stop...
This is if I could just "over-look" the verbal, mental and emotional abuse of the family. We all know that has no effect on the sex-drive.
He seems to feel he always has a good excuse for his actions; but now that I'm in recovery..I know no excuse is a good excuse...
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Regarding marriage counseling, either you go to a marriage counselor who is not familiar with addiction, in which case he/she will not be of much use, insofar as they will be giving advice on a situation which they are not familiar with, i.e. a couple having problems because of one partner's addiction; or you see a marriage counselor who is familiar with addiction, in which case they are likely to tell your husband that there is absolutely nothing they can do for the two of you as a couple until he stops drinking...
Either way it does not seem to be a valuable use of your time or money...
Either way it does not seem to be a valuable use of your time or money...
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Originally Posted by inahaze 
My husband drinks 5 out of 7 nights a week, 6-12 beer a night generally. The six doesn't get him drunk, but it's enough he shouldn't be driving. He drinks while he has our kids at home(I work 2nd shift). He throws tantrums, last month he put a hole through the kids wall, month before he was beating the walls and yelling in front of the kids and my 11 year old cousin. He goes to the bar a couple of times a month, sometimes he stays the night at a friends house, other times he comes home. He become verbally abusive at times still, he belittles and antagonizes situations and he throws in snide, little remarks directed towards me in front of people.
Sorry, haze, I know it's not funny but it is just so sad when people don't realize that their actions determine whether others find them attractive.
Hang in there. You already know the right thing to do. You just have to find the way to make it happen.
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inahaze.....I'm pretty much married to the same guy. I swear there must be clones of them out there and we all ended up with him. I begged mine to go to marriage counseling for months. He said "I always thought you were smart, but if you are willing to waste your money on therapy you must really be stupid." This from a man that has spent up to $800.00 a month (that I am aware of) on alcohol and cigarettes. End of discussion.
I started going last week for individual counseling. I can hardly wait until Thursday when I go back. It really feels like, for once, I'm investing in something worthwhile. Goodness knows I've spent thousands of dollars at the mall in retail therapy, LOL!
I started going last week for individual counseling. I can hardly wait until Thursday when I go back. It really feels like, for once, I'm investing in something worthwhile. Goodness knows I've spent thousands of dollars at the mall in retail therapy, LOL!
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Originally Posted by inahaze
My husband drinks 5 out of 7 nights a week, 6-12 beer a night generally.
He drinks while he has our kids at home(I work 2nd shift). He throws tantrums, last month he put a hole through the kids wall, month before he was beating the walls and yelling in front of the kids and my 11 year old cousin.
he belittles and antagonizes situations and he throws in snide, little remarks directed towards me in front of people.
He drinks while he has our kids at home(I work 2nd shift). He throws tantrums, last month he put a hole through the kids wall, month before he was beating the walls and yelling in front of the kids and my 11 year old cousin.
he belittles and antagonizes situations and he throws in snide, little remarks directed towards me in front of people.
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I heard this complaint about sex so many times. When I pointed out that having sex with someone so drunk that either it doesn't work out or the whole thing takes ages, he suggested that I needed to tell him in advance when I wanted to have sex so he wouldn't drink that much on that particular night. That sounds like a lot of fun to plan our intimacy carefully in advance around the drinking timetable.... Of course, seeing him day after day drunk and stoned didn't add any charm to the intimacy either but he really never got that.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
WOW, that is just SO sexy.......who WOULDN'T want to be intimate more with a person like that?????
Sorry, haze, I know it's not funny but it is just so sad when people don't realize that their actions determine whether others find them attractive.
Hang in there. You already know the right thing to do. You just have to find the way to make it happen.
Sorry, haze, I know it's not funny but it is just so sad when people don't realize that their actions determine whether others find them attractive.
Hang in there. You already know the right thing to do. You just have to find the way to make it happen.
He thinks that drinking a few beers and popping his little pill will make for a great night in bed. I find it repulsive, the smell of beer doesn't bring me fond memories and I don't think it's an aphrodisiac. He tries to get me to drink so we can have "great sex", ummm I have no desire to drink. He says I loosen up more, I don't care about having sex w/ him sober so he wants me to get drunk so we can.
Whatever.
He's been throwing around the I love you so much emotions the past day or two in an attempt to get me to see how much he loves me. I just feel like it's a convenient thing for him to say to get me to feel guilty. I really don't feel I have anything to be guilty for.
I work, go to college, pay my taxes, take care of the kids, critters and house. I still do all the laundry, and most of the general cleaning. My co-workers like me, everyone at school likes me. My family loves me, heck, even his family loves me. The only thing dragging me down in my life is him. He's the only thing I ever feel badly over. He's the only thing that makes me feel like I have to walk on egg shells. Can't be on the computer to long, or talk to long on the phone in another room. I can't be on my cell to much or make a comment about the facebook account I have that I rarely use or visit. I can't talk to another man because it might be viewed badly. I can't talk about life after I graduate because I'll probably be looking for a doctor to marry. Just stupid stuff he does that makes me want to scream :wtf2 is wrong with you?!?!?!
Really, it is ridiculous.
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Originally Posted by brundle
This is if I could just "over-look" the verbal, mental and emotional abuse of the family. We all know that has no effect on the sex-drive.
He's full of himself and completely believes his own BS, therefore I should as well. Maybe if I believe him I could sell him some ocean-side property in Kentucky?
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