he's gone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
he's gone
since thursday, I went to work at 7pm on thursday (as I do every thursday, friday and sat. night) things have not been good- he is always yelling at me- mad (at me or himself who knows) he has done this disappearing thing before-but this time it feels different. He hasn't called- I sent him a text last night saying that if he isn't happy- just don't come home- no response to that either. I feel like this is really it- and I am broken. I have always put family first- stood by him and my vows and he treats me like I am not even importamt enough to acknowledge. We have a 2 year old girl- he wouldn't even know if I needed him b/c she was sick or I couldn't even get ahold of him if there was an emergency concerning her. He is so sick- and he doesn't care enough to even go back to AA- says he's tried it so many times before that he is done with it. I still want to save my marriage- how sick is that??? I started seeing a psychiatrist last week trying to put myself back together. Why can I not just let go?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Maybe this story won't compare much, but here goes...
A few years ago my exbf (nonalcoholic, but family displays some dysfunctional traits like blurred boundaries, don't ask questions, etc.) decided to end our relationship in a very destructive way - passive aggressive tactics, cheating, some of the lowest behaviors I have ever experienced and never would have imagined coming from him. He would yell and swear at me when he "felt like it", ignored my calls, expected that I would pack up his things (we had been living together) and move his cr*p out for him. I was caught in this whirlwind of destructive behavior and unprepared to cope. Yet in spite of all the irrational, badmouthing behavior, I could not let go. I could not stop myself from making unhealthy choices (call him, try to patch things up, make promises that I would be miserable keeping, etc.). I sought a counsellor ASAP.
Previously I had never sought counselling to address the alcoholism in my family. What started out as a rant session about this exbf turned into a very uncomfortable probing into my relationship with my AF. I have a broken relationship with my AF that I am constantly trying to fix. Since I was a young child I learned to take responsibility for my AF's emotions - particularly his depression. I had to be on my best behavior all the time and not have needs of my own, hoping that if I minimized the stress he would be roused from his depression and be my loving parent again. It never worked. I was repeating this behavior with my exbf, whom I was still trying to control. I was so desperate to not fail like I had with my AF that I was tolerating all kinds of terrible behavior and emotional dumping from my exbf. Once I made this connection, my desperate need to repair my broken relationship evaporated. I learned to focus on the real source of unhappiness in my life - my own preconditioned responses to my AF.
Now I know what they mean they say we repeat patterns we learned from our parents with our spouses. If I had not sought counselling, I am very sure I would have been doomed to repeat this mistake again. Instead I had to learn to recognize when my needs are valid and NOT to compromise them. Love does not make abuse okay.
I don't know what your backstory is, but talking with a psychiatrist might really help you get to the bottom of the "why" behind letting go. I strongly suspect it has more to do with than your AH. Some strong reaction inside of you is compelling you to save/fix this unbalanced, unfair, and painful relationship with a man who is not showing you love. As sick as that sounds, you learned it from somewhere.
ellima01, It's not too late for you to change this lifestyle, and let go of the failure you feel when your AH disappoints you. Keep making an honest effort with the psychiatrist, and be prepared to invest time in your own recovery - including any homework you're assigned.
Funny. Once my homework was figure out what success looks like. I never knew when to stop working because I never knew when I had been successful in my part of relationships. I had to learn when and where to stop, and let the other person do their share of the work.
A few years ago my exbf (nonalcoholic, but family displays some dysfunctional traits like blurred boundaries, don't ask questions, etc.) decided to end our relationship in a very destructive way - passive aggressive tactics, cheating, some of the lowest behaviors I have ever experienced and never would have imagined coming from him. He would yell and swear at me when he "felt like it", ignored my calls, expected that I would pack up his things (we had been living together) and move his cr*p out for him. I was caught in this whirlwind of destructive behavior and unprepared to cope. Yet in spite of all the irrational, badmouthing behavior, I could not let go. I could not stop myself from making unhealthy choices (call him, try to patch things up, make promises that I would be miserable keeping, etc.). I sought a counsellor ASAP.
Previously I had never sought counselling to address the alcoholism in my family. What started out as a rant session about this exbf turned into a very uncomfortable probing into my relationship with my AF. I have a broken relationship with my AF that I am constantly trying to fix. Since I was a young child I learned to take responsibility for my AF's emotions - particularly his depression. I had to be on my best behavior all the time and not have needs of my own, hoping that if I minimized the stress he would be roused from his depression and be my loving parent again. It never worked. I was repeating this behavior with my exbf, whom I was still trying to control. I was so desperate to not fail like I had with my AF that I was tolerating all kinds of terrible behavior and emotional dumping from my exbf. Once I made this connection, my desperate need to repair my broken relationship evaporated. I learned to focus on the real source of unhappiness in my life - my own preconditioned responses to my AF.
Now I know what they mean they say we repeat patterns we learned from our parents with our spouses. If I had not sought counselling, I am very sure I would have been doomed to repeat this mistake again. Instead I had to learn to recognize when my needs are valid and NOT to compromise them. Love does not make abuse okay.
I don't know what your backstory is, but talking with a psychiatrist might really help you get to the bottom of the "why" behind letting go. I strongly suspect it has more to do with than your AH. Some strong reaction inside of you is compelling you to save/fix this unbalanced, unfair, and painful relationship with a man who is not showing you love. As sick as that sounds, you learned it from somewhere.
ellima01, It's not too late for you to change this lifestyle, and let go of the failure you feel when your AH disappoints you. Keep making an honest effort with the psychiatrist, and be prepared to invest time in your own recovery - including any homework you're assigned.
Funny. Once my homework was figure out what success looks like. I never knew when to stop working because I never knew when I had been successful in my part of relationships. I had to learn when and where to stop, and let the other person do their share of the work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
I did start seeing a psychiatrist last week- he does not want to discuss AH at this time- says his focus is me and I need AL-Anon- I agree I do- but time and situation does not allow me to go as I should.I am sicker than AH- trying to piece together what is left of a 7 year marriage- I was raised in a strict Christian environment where divorce is not an option- AH knows this- takes advantage of it- I have always put "family first" which in my mind is the Christian way- like my parents. Well, this relationship is not y parents relationship- Irealize he has basically abandoned us- but with my beliefs it is very hard to make a decision to end it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
There is nothing wrong with you putting family first. At this point in time, the family consists of you and your child. Your AH is not putting anyone, other than himself, first. You don't have to divorce him. People often find it is best to live separate and apart in order to let things cool down and to gain some perspective.
Your husband is neglecting you and his child. Since you don't know his whereabouts, perhaps you could call the police? File a missing person report?
It's not possible, in my opinion, to hold a marriage together if only one of the partners is doing all the holding. It also sounds as if he is abusive. I am sorry you are going through this. I've been there and it's unpleasant. I made the choice to leave the abusive marriage. I lived alone for two years before I divorced my ex.
Please take care of yourself and your little one!
Your husband is neglecting you and his child. Since you don't know his whereabouts, perhaps you could call the police? File a missing person report?
It's not possible, in my opinion, to hold a marriage together if only one of the partners is doing all the holding. It also sounds as if he is abusive. I am sorry you are going through this. I've been there and it's unpleasant. I made the choice to leave the abusive marriage. I lived alone for two years before I divorced my ex.
Please take care of yourself and your little one!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
He is verbally abusive- he's just a vial angry drunk. Period. I thought about filing a report- but I found out while I was at work last night- he came home for a few minutes and picked up his guitar- so he's not "missing" just a jerk.
I think he really thinks all this is b/c of me- He thinks I don't organize our home good enough- or "do the things he's always asking me to do" and I really think he believes our problems are all b/c of me. I know I can't change what he thinks or does- but it so hurtful.
I think he really thinks all this is b/c of me- He thinks I don't organize our home good enough- or "do the things he's always asking me to do" and I really think he believes our problems are all b/c of me. I know I can't change what he thinks or does- but it so hurtful.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Please don't take what he says to heart - you know he's quacking for all he's worth, don't you?! It is just the ravings of a sick mind. Remembering this helped me endure the worst of my STBXAH's verbal attacks. He was like a spoilt child lashing out in a temper because the world doesn't work the way he wants it to!
Be kind to yourself! :ghug3
Be kind to yourself! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Ellima01 I really do feel for you and I hope that you take on board everyones advice and work with your Psychiatrist to get to a better place. My story is similar to yours, my A walked out on me and our 1 year old girl last October and I am still in the place you are now somedays and it is excruiciatingly painful, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am due to start counselling too and I find this board so supportive and encouraging, please help yourself because I guarentee you by not doing so wholeheartedly you'll be where I am still, months and months down the line.
Prodigal is right, you should out your family first and your family is now you and your darling child.
xxxxx
Prodigal is right, you should out your family first and your family is now you and your darling child.
xxxxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
