Fear: The Great Immobilizer

Old 02-20-2009, 09:33 PM
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I have so many fears: my biggest Fear: That I will always fail.
I keep typing and erasing, maybe I will just leave it at that.
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Old 02-20-2009, 09:51 PM
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My fear is that no one will love me again and i will be alone for the rest of my life.
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Old 02-20-2009, 09:59 PM
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"Always" and "never" are not realistic. Nobody always fails. Nobody never fails. Life is difficult, but it is not written in absolutes. We alone sabotage ourselves with absolutes, as FD pointed out.

"I ALWAYS screw up."
"I NEVER make good decisions"
"I am ALWAYS so stupid in my choices for mates."
"I am NEVER attracted to nice men or nice friends."

We are what we think. Think negative, and it will be that way. Think positive, and it won't be a bed of roses, but your mindset will get you through the crap life throws your way. And you will be able to deal with it and rise above.

Hey, I messed up my life so badly you wouldn't believe it. I am in the process, with the grace and help of my HP, in rebuilding my life out of the mess I made. Why? Because I made bad choices based on bad thinking: "I ALWAYS attract addicts," "I'm a loser," "I'll die alone and nobody will care."

This was the mindset I lived with. And it kept me trapped in making horrible financial, career, and relationship decisions.

Kermit, you are a strong woman. You don't have to be a victim. You have overcome a lot of difficult stuff. Please start thinking positive. It may not make what life throws your way always positive, but it will sure make you overcome and rise above a lot of doo-doo along the way.
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Old 02-20-2009, 10:07 PM
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Prodigal,Thank you, I know this in my head and heart, but when I was growing up I had no encouragement, I was the kid everyone made fun of ect... so it is hard not to have that fear. I'm okay, really I am I know that I will make it, I pull from my HP and believe that if what I think are failures that there is a reason for them, it is my journey... I'm okay. I just keep plugging along doing my best. It's all I got to give!
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Old 02-20-2009, 10:09 PM
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MissFixit, have you considered worse things than being without a partner? Sure, we all want a loving person with whom we can share our life. But this doesn't always happen.

If it doesn't happen, is this the worst thing that can happen to you? I married my AH when I was 49, after I had been divorced/separated from my ex for over two years. Why? BECAUSE I PRACTICALLY FREAKED OUT ONE DAY WHEN I WAS SITTING IN MY APARTMENT ALONE AND REALIZED, "HECK, I'M 47 YEARS OLD AND I DON'T WANT TO 'DATE' ANYMORE AND I'LL PROBABLY DIE ALONE AND SINGLE."

So see what I got for having that mindset? I'm alone anyway. I'm married to a drunk who has no interest in being sober. None. There is no love for what is left of the man I met. I don't hate him, but there is no emotional or physical intimacy, the marriage is a sham, and if I had gotten my head out of the mindset it was in, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

For me, personally, what is worse than not having a partner in my life? A whole lotta stuff; bankruptcy and cancer come to mind. As it is, being married to an A, do you think he would give a good cahoot if I had a debilitating or terminal disease? I doubt it ....

All of our fears are legitimate. But they are based, in my opinion, on a deep-seated fear of abandonment. People can leave us. People can walk away from us. They cannot abandon us. We can only abandon ourselves.
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Old 02-20-2009, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted by kermit View Post
I know this in my head and heart, but when I was growing up I had no encouragement, I was the kid everyone made fun of ect
I hear ya. Believe me, I KNOW. I had a lisp. I stuttered. I was fat. I had zits. I was a nerd. My parents not only did not encourage me, they made fun of me or hit me or told me I was fat and stupid.

I am no longer my mother's daughter. I am no longer my father's daughter. They messed up. They were messed up. But I got them for parents. And I spent YEARS being ticked off at them and the raw deal I got.

So I kept glomming onto abusive men, addicted men, indifferent men, abandoning men. I kept trying to fix my parents through other relationships.

I had to lay it to rest. My parents thought I was a piece of crap and a burden. My HP thinks otherwise. I had to stop dragging that huge bag of old garbage around with me or I was going to completely destroy my life. I am 55 years old. I have been on a journey this past eight years to rebuild the mess that has been my life.

I've made major strides. I have had a few major setbacks. But I'm still working on pressing ahead to the better life that I deserve.

Hang in there, Kermie. You deserve good things. You are a good mother. You are a good person. Keep affirming yourself. You ARE worth it!!!!
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Old 02-20-2009, 10:22 PM
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This is a great thread. I appreciate you writing it, FDM.

What I feared most:
Being alone
Being made fun of and having no one that loves me to turn to (I am visually impaired).

What really happened:
I found peace and strength in myself (much to my own surprise).
Not a lot of people make fun of me. I handle it myself if they do, or call a friend. Then I let go of the event, and life goes on.

I've done more post-Abf than I did in all 6 years of living with addiction, plus most pre-addiction years combined.

I wouldn't trade this life for an alcoholic boyfriend for anything in the world.
It's worth facing the fears that keep you stuck in the cycle of addiction, 100%.

And I'm saying that as a single woman who hasn't been in a serious relationship in 6 years!
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
People can leave us. People can walk away from us. They cannot abandon us. We can only abandon ourselves.
Thank you for this Prodigal......It's so true!
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
I can't eliminate all the fear in my life. I still fear change. I still fear rejection. I still fear failure. I still fear I'll make a mistake or a wrong decision. But the difference is I've learned to feel the fear and do it anyway
Thanks for this FD. I have really been stuck on this. I AM still afraid of rejection, I AM still afraid of failure. Why hadn't those fears gone away? Didn't "Recovery" mean I wasn't going to be afraid anymore? If so, then I am doing it wrong (see, I am still a failure!). Maybe not?
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:45 AM
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Not to hijack FD's thread, but thanks Prodigal. I cannot get past the marriage/children fears...of no having them. I am scared to be alone and I NEVER knew I felt this way until now.
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation View Post
Didn't "Recovery" mean I wasn't going to be afraid anymore? If so, then I am doing it wrong (see, I am still a failure!). Maybe not?
Recovery is a process. It's not like you get to say "I'm in recovery" and then everything is magically better. It's work, every day. I believe the recovery comes in not letting those fears run your life.....feel the fear, acknowledge it, maybe even thank your baser self for trying to protect you*, and then move forward.

*This is something I learned in therapy for anxiety issues last year. Fear is a natural instinct, it's your brains way of protecting you. So instead of ignoring it, acknowledge it. Say a quick thank you to the instinctual part of your brain for protecting you. My therapist even suggested I form the ASL sign for love and hold it to my heart. Just like a friend who speaks harshly to you out of love and a desire to help, your brain isn't purposely trying to sabotage your life....it's trying to protect you, and I find it good to acknowledge that before I push through the fear, like you might say to a friend "Thank you for your concern, I know it comes from a place of love, but that's not going to work for my life right now."
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Old 02-21-2009, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I cannot get past the marriage/children fears...of no having them. I am scared to be alone and I NEVER knew I felt this way until now.
I just wanted to say that there is no event, person, or occasion that will take fear away.
I am married (though I will soon be free of that designation!). I have a lovely child. Neither has solved any of my problems or removed my concerns about the future.

I found that my set of "needs" continued to change and adjust depending on where I was in my life.
There was a period where I intensely desired marriage and feared its lack - I thought, "if only I could find a partner, then I wouldn't be afraid or alone!"
Then I found a partner and the desire and fear evolved - "if only we could have children, then I wouldn't be afraid or alone!"
Then I wanted a career .... I could go on and on .....

Suffice it to say, from where I stand right now, there is no one magical formulation for a happy and well-lived life. I have to open myself to the possibility that while life might not look the way I've always envisioned it - it will be great.

My vision is simply a preference, a still photograph of beauty from my own, severely limited perspective. Of course, this personal vision of my future is appealing, but I have to remind myself that it's not the only way to happiness. It comforts me to know that there is a world of love and beauty beyond my imagining, that my HP is not bound by the limitations of my vision.

When I think of this incredible world of possibilities, I feel my fear fade.

-TC
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Old 02-21-2009, 06:56 AM
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I often go back and read LaTeeDa's thread "And THEN I will be happy..." when I feel I might be about to make a decision based on fear.

I consider myself well along on the path to recovery, and still there is fear. Recovery doesn't mean "no fear." It means having developed the tools to stand chest-to-chest with fear, identify my options, accept my imperfections, and keep moving forward in my life even if I'm afraid. Serenity doesn't mean nothing ever changes. It means I've learned to cope with change in a way that brings me back to peace by the shortest possible route, using the same tools above.

It sometimes means I have to look over the head of fear -- which sometimes won't go away -- and keep walking forward toward what my rational brain knows is the right thing. I force fear to walk backward as I walk forward.

By the time I get to the right thing, fear has decided to go for coffee, and I'm fine again. Sweaty, exhausted, with a tired brain from having to figure so many things out, but fine.

I know fear will never be gone; in the meantime, I have a vision of what I want my life to be like, and I keep walking toward it..... with you'all's help, of course
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:02 AM
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Thanks for this!! I realize that I am only afraid of one thing--EVERYTHING!!

I sabotage myself on a daily basis.
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:04 AM
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Thank you TC.

I had a plan. Finish graduate school. Get married to my long term beau. Have children the following year and so on... I am completing the school thing, but find that doing it alone does not have the happiness that I had while we were dating and moving forward with our future plans. I have to let go of all the realities I thought I had.

It comes in waves of "oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?" "Should I have married him two years and not gone back to school, like he wanted me to." Then, I remind myself that he was and still is an A. He is worse now than he was then, and had we married he would likely have kept drinking. I wanted an MBA (in this economy I am forgetting why), but it is my completed goal from start to finish. No one can take it away. I did it and I did it alone, although I had emotional and a little financial support from him.

Thanks for the advice.

Sorry again FD for the hijack.
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:43 AM
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Thank you FD -- I really needed to read this today

Laurie
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Old 02-21-2009, 08:35 AM
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"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

I first heard that saying at an Al Anon meeting and it really struck me because I am a person who does not very often let fear run my life, and, because of that, a lot of people perceive me as having no fear...but that's not at all true. I have fear, sometimes a lot of fear...it's just very, very rare for me to let that fear keep me from doing what I know is right and/or necessary.

For a long time, I thought that it was a compliment to me when people would say things like: "Oh, I think it's wonderful that you did X-Y-Z-whatever; I could never do anything like that because I'm too scared or shy or insecure or whatever..", but I realized several years ago that what those kind of comments are really about is the speaker trying to set up a situation in which they can justify and feel comfortable in continuing their own inaction, even in the face of my action, by trying to pretend that I am somehow so different from them that they could never possibly expect themselves to do what I've done.....So, now I always make it a point, when people say things like that to me, to explain to them that I am afraid, too, but I "say my prayers" and, most of the time, I can then do what needs to be done.

And actually for me, a big part of saying those prayers involves contemplating the importance of being able to continue to respect myself....because that definitely is something I never want to have to experience: Getting up in the morning and seeing in the mirror someone who did not have the courage to do what she knew was right/necessary....and ironically, that does, in a deeper way, come back to fear again...because the thought of that happening is just about the only thing that truly terrifies me.

Also, in the past, the few times when, looking back now, I did, without knowing it at the time, act out of fear, the feelings I was actually conscious of having at the time were always, very prominently, feelings of stuck-ness, trapped-ness, choice-less-ness, hopelessness, etc.......and so I've learned that, when I even start to feel even the tiniest combination of those things, it's time for me to step back, let go, and work on my connection to HP because those feelings are always the result of my trying to know answers and force things that are not mine to know or to force and what I really need to be doing is just to be going forward one step at a time in trust in HP's plan for me.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

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Old 02-21-2009, 04:37 PM
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A lot of great insights in this thread. And one thing I'm noticing: we always think the grass is greener on the other guy's turf:

"I wish I had a kind husband and sweet baby like Mary."

"I wish I had a good-paying, responsible position like Jane."

"I wish I had a family that was 'normal' like Sally's."

There are NO non-dysfunctional families! Not unless you're living with Ward and June Cleaver as parents .... and they only exist on late-night reruns.

I made such a shambles of my life, I've often thought of writing a novel - I certainly have had my share of "colorful" characters enter and exit my life! So I can keep kicking myself, or I can learn from my mistakes. My life is probably no more or no less messed up than most people's.

I think life is just one big learning process. I repeated the same mistake to the point that I thought I was truly NUTS. Yeah, I probably was to some degree. But I learned the hard way. We can't regret yesterday and we can't fear tomorrow. Just got to do the best with what we've got today.
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Old 02-21-2009, 10:42 PM
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Thanks for that point re: self-sabotage, Glenna.

I used to perpetuate self sabotage too.

Then I decided to have faith in God, myself, and the power of consistent action within a reasonable time frame.

Sometimes I look back at how small my life used to be, and marvel at how I could sit with such unhappy problems for so long.
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:02 PM
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When I worked step 2 and really believed in a higher power, it helped me deal with fears. I see my higher power as someone who gives me unconditional love. I can screw up and he will love me. I can divorce and he will love me. If I don't finish my degree, he will still love me. I can do anything and it will be ok. It doesn't mean it will turn out well, it just means that it will be ok. So far things are working.
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