The audacity of a drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
The audacity of a drunk
I am absolutely amazed at how a drunk can manipulate and twist their addiction around to be everyone else’s problem.
Example: Drunk drives our kids home from basketball practice absolutely ****-faced, nearly misses turns and forgets that the kids actually need food to thrive, but it is my fault that I am “riding him” about the safety of our children.
Example: Wants kudos because he chose not to drive our kids home drunk this time, but took himself back out on the highway and back to his favorite watering hole to get ****-faced and forgets that the kids need to have supper prepared. Hides house phone so kids cannot call mom for help.
Drunk accuses me of “baby-sitting” his every move and of course denies his love affair with the bottle having anything to do with me being upset.
God help me. It is days like this that make me want to just give up.
Example: Drunk drives our kids home from basketball practice absolutely ****-faced, nearly misses turns and forgets that the kids actually need food to thrive, but it is my fault that I am “riding him” about the safety of our children.
Example: Wants kudos because he chose not to drive our kids home drunk this time, but took himself back out on the highway and back to his favorite watering hole to get ****-faced and forgets that the kids need to have supper prepared. Hides house phone so kids cannot call mom for help.
Drunk accuses me of “baby-sitting” his every move and of course denies his love affair with the bottle having anything to do with me being upset.
God help me. It is days like this that make me want to just give up.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Drunk accuses me of “baby-sitting” his every move and of course denies his love affair with the bottle having anything to do with me being upset.
But you know what? I don't have to anymore and neither do you. YOU are the only one that can stop the behaviour that you describe here. I'm not saying you can change him but you can change the situation for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
I should add that I was not home last night, I was at work. He accused me of babysitting him because my kids called me hungry and wanting supper. He didnt bother to show up at home until around 9p (according to the kids) and was too drunk to be a father.
I'm not in a position to leave at this moment, though I have been working towards that for awhile now. I need a few things to happen first so that my kids and I can lead a somewhat normal life after we leave.
The kids and I do communicate daily on how they are feeling and what not. We have no secrets. We all know the truth.
I'm not in a position to leave at this moment, though I have been working towards that for awhile now. I need a few things to happen first so that my kids and I can lead a somewhat normal life after we leave.
The kids and I do communicate daily on how they are feeling and what not. We have no secrets. We all know the truth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
My daughter is getting her drivers permit on Friday. I have been saving money and getting things together so that we can leave. One of the major things I need to happen is for my daughter to be able to drive. I work 2 jobs and cannot be here for transportation 2 days out of the week. Basketball is over as of Thursday...so the immediate problem will go away. She will have her liscence in a few short months...and she already has a small car to help out with that. I just cannot give up my 2nd job because god knows I cannot depend on AH to provide. I don't want my kids to miss out because their dad's choices. Its not fair.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lover))
expecting healthy behaviors from an unhealthy person is going to always lead to disappointment.
I know that you would very much like to be able to depend upon your AH to help you with your kids right now - but it is obvious that the disease is prohibiting him from being able to do this.
Please try to consider some other options - it's not audacity - it's the disease - it's an alcoholic doing what an alcoholic does. He will always put drinking before any of his responsibilities, he will always blame others and defend his actions. That is what an active alcoholic does.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Please know sweetie that this post is meant in the spirit of support and love - I can understand how difficult this can be. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Try to open the possibilities to another way for care for you and your family - not to excuse his behaviors but to take care of you and your children.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
expecting healthy behaviors from an unhealthy person is going to always lead to disappointment.
I know that you would very much like to be able to depend upon your AH to help you with your kids right now - but it is obvious that the disease is prohibiting him from being able to do this.
Please try to consider some other options - it's not audacity - it's the disease - it's an alcoholic doing what an alcoholic does. He will always put drinking before any of his responsibilities, he will always blame others and defend his actions. That is what an active alcoholic does.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Please know sweetie that this post is meant in the spirit of support and love - I can understand how difficult this can be. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Try to open the possibilities to another way for care for you and your family - not to excuse his behaviors but to take care of you and your children.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You are doing all you can, loverof1. And you have a plan.
Do the kids have cell phones? Can they get one, so they can call you even if dad is a jerk and hides the phone? (what if there was a fire? or an accident? What would've happened then?) Is there any other kind of transportation where you are? Do you have family nearby? Can you stock up on easy things for them to make to eat?
I'm suggesting these things as emergency measures because it's only for a little while, and he seems to be putting them in dangerous situations. Please be very careful and play the tape all the way through on some of this stuff: Imagine something very bad happening as a result of his neglect....will "waiting 'til the right moment" still have been worth it? If you can honestly say yes, then you're in good shape. If you need to get creative right now in order to stop him from endangering your kids' lives, then so be it.
Hoping for the best for all of you
Do the kids have cell phones? Can they get one, so they can call you even if dad is a jerk and hides the phone? (what if there was a fire? or an accident? What would've happened then?) Is there any other kind of transportation where you are? Do you have family nearby? Can you stock up on easy things for them to make to eat?
I'm suggesting these things as emergency measures because it's only for a little while, and he seems to be putting them in dangerous situations. Please be very careful and play the tape all the way through on some of this stuff: Imagine something very bad happening as a result of his neglect....will "waiting 'til the right moment" still have been worth it? If you can honestly say yes, then you're in good shape. If you need to get creative right now in order to stop him from endangering your kids' lives, then so be it.
Hoping for the best for all of you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
I work my second job on Monday and Wednesday evenings. My fault in this situation is that I planned and provided the steps and ingredients for each meal...all he had to do was follow the directions. Monday and Wednesdays are free rides for him. He knows I wont be home and apparently has been getting away with this for awhile. We rumbled about him driving our kids when he has had a drink. He agreed not to do it again. So he circumvents and drops the kids off...and off he goes to do his deed.
I do have a plan...my kids will no longer be dependent on him for transportation to and from anywhere. My daughter has a cell phone (which was taken along with the house phone) because AH caught her calling mom. Unfortunately, we live in a very rural area with no public transit and my closest family is 4 hours away. I could ask his family, but they are all just like him so that is out. I'm going to have my daughter skip tomorrow's practice so that she wont need a ride and I will either have to switch my hours at my other job or leave until she gets her liscence.
At this point AH makes me sick with his excuses and selfishness. I never in a million years dreamed I would have to tell him never to drive our kids drunk or even that they need food to survive. This whole situation has just become insane.
I do have a plan...my kids will no longer be dependent on him for transportation to and from anywhere. My daughter has a cell phone (which was taken along with the house phone) because AH caught her calling mom. Unfortunately, we live in a very rural area with no public transit and my closest family is 4 hours away. I could ask his family, but they are all just like him so that is out. I'm going to have my daughter skip tomorrow's practice so that she wont need a ride and I will either have to switch my hours at my other job or leave until she gets her liscence.
At this point AH makes me sick with his excuses and selfishness. I never in a million years dreamed I would have to tell him never to drive our kids drunk or even that they need food to survive. This whole situation has just become insane.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
loverof1--I am in a similar situation where I am saving up the money for the lawyer and AH does similar things-but sporadically--which always puts me in the position of having to run home from work or calm my hysterical kids down.
My kids are a lot younger than yours. Even if you give them all the ingredients and an easy recipe many men (alcoholic or not) will not cook.
I cook meals for my kids in batches and stick them in the freezer--I do this more for my sanity. That way I know on the nights I am not home (I also work a 2nd job) all AH has to do is turn on the oven or stick it in the microwave--that might work with your kids since they are older.
Here is something else I suggest--make your own new friends. Just like a recovering alcoholic who hangs with a crowd who is totally entrenched in drinking and drugs--they have to give them up if they want to actually recover. Since you share these friends you need to do the same thing--whether he does it or not.
I know you don't have a lot of extra time on your hands with 2 kids and a second job--but are there any healthy old friendships that you could start up again? Can you go out for coffee with anyone at work? Another thing--and this is going to sound odd--but I am guilty of it--do you make yourself open to friendship? Often because we are so entrenched with just surviving day to day we are walking around with a giant sign on our forehead that says "Leave me alone--I don't have time to deal with anything else in my life." Someone who really made an effort to befriend me told me that I am aloof. I think this is from years of living in an alcoholic home as a kid and now I married one. . .(that was prior to getting healthy myself and admitting there were-and still are--lots of things about me that I need to work on so I don't stay in this relationship that is hurting me and my kids).
For me, when I got a 2nd job I found something I could do that would generate friendships and it has been successful. In a couple years I have found some hard and fast friends--one even being in a similar situation except her H is addicted to porn. It is nice to have someone who knows where you are, what you are doing and can give you a real hug and support instead of cyberhugs (which don't get me wrong--are great). But you need to take care of yourself too--and it sounds like you are in the process of doing that--but in the interim things are looking sort of bleak. I know it is hard to wait.
Does either of your jobs have an employee assistance program? There are often resources out there for you and people who can make things happen faster.
I agree that the cell phone idea is a great one. AH went ballistic one night when our older son locked himself into the bathroom with the phone and called me at work to let me know daddy was losing it. You can get programmable phones I believe--if you don't want the kids using it for other things and running up a phone bill.
My kids are a lot younger than yours. Even if you give them all the ingredients and an easy recipe many men (alcoholic or not) will not cook.
I cook meals for my kids in batches and stick them in the freezer--I do this more for my sanity. That way I know on the nights I am not home (I also work a 2nd job) all AH has to do is turn on the oven or stick it in the microwave--that might work with your kids since they are older.
Here is something else I suggest--make your own new friends. Just like a recovering alcoholic who hangs with a crowd who is totally entrenched in drinking and drugs--they have to give them up if they want to actually recover. Since you share these friends you need to do the same thing--whether he does it or not.
I know you don't have a lot of extra time on your hands with 2 kids and a second job--but are there any healthy old friendships that you could start up again? Can you go out for coffee with anyone at work? Another thing--and this is going to sound odd--but I am guilty of it--do you make yourself open to friendship? Often because we are so entrenched with just surviving day to day we are walking around with a giant sign on our forehead that says "Leave me alone--I don't have time to deal with anything else in my life." Someone who really made an effort to befriend me told me that I am aloof. I think this is from years of living in an alcoholic home as a kid and now I married one. . .(that was prior to getting healthy myself and admitting there were-and still are--lots of things about me that I need to work on so I don't stay in this relationship that is hurting me and my kids).
For me, when I got a 2nd job I found something I could do that would generate friendships and it has been successful. In a couple years I have found some hard and fast friends--one even being in a similar situation except her H is addicted to porn. It is nice to have someone who knows where you are, what you are doing and can give you a real hug and support instead of cyberhugs (which don't get me wrong--are great). But you need to take care of yourself too--and it sounds like you are in the process of doing that--but in the interim things are looking sort of bleak. I know it is hard to wait.
Does either of your jobs have an employee assistance program? There are often resources out there for you and people who can make things happen faster.
I agree that the cell phone idea is a great one. AH went ballistic one night when our older son locked himself into the bathroom with the phone and called me at work to let me know daddy was losing it. You can get programmable phones I believe--if you don't want the kids using it for other things and running up a phone bill.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
Lo1,
I was a kid that was put into an "adult" and "parent" role way too soon because of my drunk Dad. My Mom didn't protect me from the impact and fallout of his addiction. I wish she had had a "whatever the he11 it takes" attitude to make sure I was safe - physically, mentally and emotionally.
She didn't - she was too busy, too overwhelmed, too mad at him, too scared of him, too patient, too worried to be alone, too concerned I'd have no relationship with him, too poor - all of that and more. I understand she did the best she could at the time. But, I can't begin to tell you the work that I've had to do as an adult because of the bad choices both my parents made as I was growing up.
TH
I was a kid that was put into an "adult" and "parent" role way too soon because of my drunk Dad. My Mom didn't protect me from the impact and fallout of his addiction. I wish she had had a "whatever the he11 it takes" attitude to make sure I was safe - physically, mentally and emotionally.
She didn't - she was too busy, too overwhelmed, too mad at him, too scared of him, too patient, too worried to be alone, too concerned I'd have no relationship with him, too poor - all of that and more. I understand she did the best she could at the time. But, I can't begin to tell you the work that I've had to do as an adult because of the bad choices both my parents made as I was growing up.
TH
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Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by loverof1 
This whole situation has just become insane.
I am sure there is a far better life awaiting you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Let the coach know daughter needs a ride. Maybe he/she can help you with a suggestion of which Moms/or Dads of teammates are most often driving.
You don't have to be "friends" to manage a carpool.
I worked a successful carpool for 3 years with a woman who was not my "friend" - we liked each other fine, she was a responsible single mom and so was I, and we needed help! We never socialized outside of talking on the phone to coordinate the carpool - but like I said it worked perfectly and professionally for 3 years!
Keep seeking help - it has a way of showing up when you put it out there that you need it!
I agree with Tarheel- the #1 priority has to be safety first and getting your kids out of this very unhealthy situation. I also wish my mother had made different choices...but I was so powerless as a child and so afraid of her and making her life harder!!
Good Luck--
peace,
b
You don't have to be "friends" to manage a carpool.
I worked a successful carpool for 3 years with a woman who was not my "friend" - we liked each other fine, she was a responsible single mom and so was I, and we needed help! We never socialized outside of talking on the phone to coordinate the carpool - but like I said it worked perfectly and professionally for 3 years!
Keep seeking help - it has a way of showing up when you put it out there that you need it!
I agree with Tarheel- the #1 priority has to be safety first and getting your kids out of this very unhealthy situation. I also wish my mother had made different choices...but I was so powerless as a child and so afraid of her and making her life harder!!
Good Luck--
peace,
b
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi loverof
just wanted to send you hugs and tell you i am very sorry the husband that should be a support is acting this way = however i am glad you are considering your choices.
i am not worried about you because you sound strong and determined to protect you and the kids.
i am just sorry for this man as he is about to lose a very special woman and his kids. i hope someday he starts recovery and realize how much harm he did.
you do not deserve this.
hugs!!
just wanted to send you hugs and tell you i am very sorry the husband that should be a support is acting this way = however i am glad you are considering your choices.
i am not worried about you because you sound strong and determined to protect you and the kids.
i am just sorry for this man as he is about to lose a very special woman and his kids. i hope someday he starts recovery and realize how much harm he did.
you do not deserve this.
hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
sounds like he could use some tough love lover. if it were a stranger picking your kids up would you tolerate it? then why in the world would you tolerate it from him? turn him in for his neglect. tell him you will call child services and turn his ASS in if he does it ever again, (neglect to feed them because he is drunk, driving drunk, -call the cops when you know he is driving drunk. he needs to understand there are consequences and you Do have legal support for these kind of issues. get your boundaries of what you will and will not accept from him and let him know what they are and then follow through. you don't even have to say it meanly. just mean what you say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Let the coach know daughter needs a ride. Maybe he/she can help you with a suggestion of which Moms/or Dads of teammates are most often driving.
You don't have to be "friends" to manage a carpool.
I worked a successful carpool for 3 years with a woman who was not my "friend" - we liked each other fine, she was a responsible single mom and so was I, and we needed help! We never socialized outside of talking on the phone to coordinate the carpool - but like I said it worked perfectly and professionally for 3 years!
Keep seeking help - it has a way of showing up when you put it out there that you need it!
I agree with Tarheel- the #1 priority has to be safety first and getting your kids out of this very unhealthy situation. I also wish my mother had made different choices...but I was so powerless as a child and so afraid of her and making her life harder!!
Good Luck--
peace,
b
You don't have to be "friends" to manage a carpool.
I worked a successful carpool for 3 years with a woman who was not my "friend" - we liked each other fine, she was a responsible single mom and so was I, and we needed help! We never socialized outside of talking on the phone to coordinate the carpool - but like I said it worked perfectly and professionally for 3 years!
Keep seeking help - it has a way of showing up when you put it out there that you need it!
I agree with Tarheel- the #1 priority has to be safety first and getting your kids out of this very unhealthy situation. I also wish my mother had made different choices...but I was so powerless as a child and so afraid of her and making her life harder!!
Good Luck--
peace,
b
From decision to exit was 72 hours, and once I made the decision, help appeared as if from nowhere
My experience matched that of Tarheel's and ultimately I ran away from home when I was 16 to care for myself because my parents sure weren't caring for me....
I also have ended up in years of therapy and doing "work" on myself because of my parents and families inability to care for me and placing me in an adult and "parental" role too early.
I was in therapy years and years later, and the therapist was saying "Now think back, tell me when you felt safe, some time in your childhood when you were safe" (this was some exercise)
I looked at her like she was crazy and said "Never, I have NEVER felt "safe" in my life"
Because it wasn't, I look back at what I refer to as "The warped lives of blameless children" and wish somebody would have saved me. Would have actually cared for me when I was too young to care for myself. My parents had "open and frank" discussions with me about "the other parent" plenty of times, that was also putting me in a parental role, what I wish they would have done is stop talking and start protecting me and providing me with a safe environment.
I just didn't find it very helpful when one parent came to me and pointed out what the other parent was "doing wrong" or "how messed up they were" without actually taking some action to ensure I had a safe environment to grow up in, it was another way I was "rushed" into a "parental role" too early.
Any "tough love" I would be spreading around wouldn't be wasted on the alcoholic spouse, but on myself and my children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As an oldest child ACOA, I had to pick up much of the slack in the family. My dad was either drunk or MIA, and my mom was too weak to do anything about it. I couldn't wait to get out of that house. Moved out at 17 and started on my own path of repeating the patterns I learned. My mom still doesn't get it to this day and we have little, if any, relationship at all.
L
L
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Being a child of an alcoholic was a living he11 for me. My older sisters left home as soon as the could. Oldest came back one summer when she was in college and never came back again. In fact she moved to the other side of the country. Next sister got involved in a series of bad relationships--abuse involved in one.
I was left at home with my younger brother, hiding in his room or mine once we heard the ice hit the glass and the cupboard where the scotch was kept come out. Like LTD--I developed all those behaviors kids of alcoholics develop--and had no idea why I was doing them. Like my sisters, I left the day after I graduated from high school. However, unlike the other kids in my family I was the lucky one. My best friends mom knew what was going on--and she and her husband did all they could to get me out of the house and away from my mother, especially on weekends. For some reason my mom never attacked my brother like she did me and my 2 sisters--but he too has scars and later became an alcoholic himself. But even "being adopted" part time by a healthy family and seeing what life in a normal place was really like and being loved and allowed to live normally--I still suffered all the damage. I still went home during the week.
My oldest sister and I both realized we were really messed up. We realized we never had a relationship with anyone that was 2 sided--because we trusted no one. We thought that there would always be strings attached to any love anyone gave us. We lied about things that never took place--and then would wonder why we just did that.
I spent 5 years in therapy and during that time also went to group therapy. Unfortunately I did not start going until after I married AH and our first son was home. But, that and other things have helped me understand why I was doing and continued to do the stuff I was. Even after therapy it took AlAnon to get me to disengage and know I was not responsible for his stuff and that I needed to put me and the kids first.
Once I made the decision to leave--it has been difficult at times--because AH will go back into "normal mode" for awhile. But he still does all those things that either are--or are not--part of his alcoholism. He is narcissistic and who knows if that will change if he ever goes to treatment. Day by day things happen that make me try to save more and more money so I can file for a divorce.
Classic example--I have asthma and cannot be around smoke--fireplace, campfire, cigarette--any, or it triggers my asthma. I am right in the middle of a bad asthma episode that has been going on for about a week. AH knows I can't be around smoke and it will trigger my asthma. Guess what--came home from work last night and he decided it would be nice and cozy if he had a fire in the fireplace. So he got to sit there by himself (and got mad because no one would join him)--but younger son stayed home with an upper respiratory infection yesterday (another reason we did not need the cozy fire) and older son does not like to be in the same room with him unless I am there--and I could not. But again, he got mad at me because I would not sit in the living room wiht the nice cozy fire he lit for the family--and was giving me those "you B" looks. Before, I would have gotten mad--now, I don't care.
I went to a weekend conference for my other job (that was a disaster for older son--but was able to calm him down and keep things in line over the phone)-anyway, Jack Canfield was a speaker--The Chicken Soup guy. One of the things he talked about that just hit home and changed me that day was this:
E + R = O
Event (that we really have no control over) + R (our reaction which we have complete control over) = Outcome
We cannot ever change the E when it comes to the alcoholics in our life--but we can always change the R and therefore the O.
I was left at home with my younger brother, hiding in his room or mine once we heard the ice hit the glass and the cupboard where the scotch was kept come out. Like LTD--I developed all those behaviors kids of alcoholics develop--and had no idea why I was doing them. Like my sisters, I left the day after I graduated from high school. However, unlike the other kids in my family I was the lucky one. My best friends mom knew what was going on--and she and her husband did all they could to get me out of the house and away from my mother, especially on weekends. For some reason my mom never attacked my brother like she did me and my 2 sisters--but he too has scars and later became an alcoholic himself. But even "being adopted" part time by a healthy family and seeing what life in a normal place was really like and being loved and allowed to live normally--I still suffered all the damage. I still went home during the week.
My oldest sister and I both realized we were really messed up. We realized we never had a relationship with anyone that was 2 sided--because we trusted no one. We thought that there would always be strings attached to any love anyone gave us. We lied about things that never took place--and then would wonder why we just did that.
I spent 5 years in therapy and during that time also went to group therapy. Unfortunately I did not start going until after I married AH and our first son was home. But, that and other things have helped me understand why I was doing and continued to do the stuff I was. Even after therapy it took AlAnon to get me to disengage and know I was not responsible for his stuff and that I needed to put me and the kids first.
Once I made the decision to leave--it has been difficult at times--because AH will go back into "normal mode" for awhile. But he still does all those things that either are--or are not--part of his alcoholism. He is narcissistic and who knows if that will change if he ever goes to treatment. Day by day things happen that make me try to save more and more money so I can file for a divorce.
Classic example--I have asthma and cannot be around smoke--fireplace, campfire, cigarette--any, or it triggers my asthma. I am right in the middle of a bad asthma episode that has been going on for about a week. AH knows I can't be around smoke and it will trigger my asthma. Guess what--came home from work last night and he decided it would be nice and cozy if he had a fire in the fireplace. So he got to sit there by himself (and got mad because no one would join him)--but younger son stayed home with an upper respiratory infection yesterday (another reason we did not need the cozy fire) and older son does not like to be in the same room with him unless I am there--and I could not. But again, he got mad at me because I would not sit in the living room wiht the nice cozy fire he lit for the family--and was giving me those "you B" looks. Before, I would have gotten mad--now, I don't care.
I went to a weekend conference for my other job (that was a disaster for older son--but was able to calm him down and keep things in line over the phone)-anyway, Jack Canfield was a speaker--The Chicken Soup guy. One of the things he talked about that just hit home and changed me that day was this:
E + R = O
Event (that we really have no control over) + R (our reaction which we have complete control over) = Outcome
We cannot ever change the E when it comes to the alcoholics in our life--but we can always change the R and therefore the O.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by Wife2Kids
E + R = O
Event (that we really have no control over) + R (our reaction which we have complete control over) = Outcome
We cannot ever change the E when it comes to the alcoholics in our life--but we can always change the R and therefore the O.
I'm posting this on my fridge.
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