The audacity of a drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
I'm not the do nothing type of person. My husband will no longer be transporting the kids...I found someone she can carpool with. I followed some of the advice above and purchased easy to make nutritious meals (frozen, but its something) for the kids to make when I am not at home. AH is in the doghouse. We had a very long discussion about what I will no longer tolerate and I set clear boundaries. I'm still not where I need to be as far as being able to walk out, but I can at least protect my kids from his bullchit. Even though I'm not supposed to try to help him, I am trying to arrange an intervention in an effort to help, but by the time that all comes around...I will be in a position to leave no matter what he chooses. I just need a bit more time to get my ducks in a row.
As far as my kids go...we communicate about where we are daily. We each have journals and we use them. This is a work in progress...but we are trying to reach the goal of a sober AH and healthy home life or for the 3 of us to move on.
I was angry yesterday and just wanted to vent. I can see that it is going to take an activity of God to save him. I'm obviously not God.
Thank you all for your support. I needed that.
As far as my kids go...we communicate about where we are daily. We each have journals and we use them. This is a work in progress...but we are trying to reach the goal of a sober AH and healthy home life or for the 3 of us to move on.
I was angry yesterday and just wanted to vent. I can see that it is going to take an activity of God to save him. I'm obviously not God.
Thank you all for your support. I needed that.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by Wife2Kids 
...He is narcissistic and who knows if that will change if he ever goes to treatment. Day by day things happen that make me try to save more and more money so I can file for a divorce.
Classic example--I have asthma and cannot be around smoke--fireplace, campfire, cigarette--any, or it triggers my asthma. I am right in the middle of a bad asthma episode that has been going on for about a week. AH knows I can't be around smoke and it will trigger my asthma. Guess what--came home from work last night and he decided it would be nice and cozy if he had a fire in the fireplace. So he got to sit there by himself (and got mad because no one would join him)--but younger son stayed home with an upper respiratory infection yesterday (another reason we did not need the cozy fire) and older son does not like to be in the same room with him unless I am there--and I could not. But again, he got mad at me because I would not sit in the living room wiht the nice cozy fire he lit for the family--and was giving me those "you B" looks. Before, I would have gotten mad--now, I don't care.
Classic example--I have asthma and cannot be around smoke--fireplace, campfire, cigarette--any, or it triggers my asthma. I am right in the middle of a bad asthma episode that has been going on for about a week. AH knows I can't be around smoke and it will trigger my asthma. Guess what--came home from work last night and he decided it would be nice and cozy if he had a fire in the fireplace. So he got to sit there by himself (and got mad because no one would join him)--but younger son stayed home with an upper respiratory infection yesterday (another reason we did not need the cozy fire) and older son does not like to be in the same room with him unless I am there--and I could not. But again, he got mad at me because I would not sit in the living room wiht the nice cozy fire he lit for the family--and was giving me those "you B" looks. Before, I would have gotten mad--now, I don't care.
Now, not only can I not stand the smell and health effects of the smoke, (I've gotten bronchitis from being around the family for too long), I also associate the smell with my past, with every act of disrespect, emotional abuse, and neglect.
My 2 younger brothers picked up the habit as well (I think they have mostly kicked it, now), but over the course of a year each one of them at some point failed to live up to promises of not smoking in the house while I visited. The last time it happened, I got into an argument with my brothers (wherein they accused me of not "really" having asthma) I and left in the middle of the night - driving 5 hours back to my place.
I realized during that argument that any addicted person is automatically a narcissist, because their first priority will always be the addiction. Logic does not apply to their understanding of any situation where their addiction is questioned.
I now stay in a hotel anytime I visit.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
but we are trying to reach the goal of a sober AH and healthy home life or for the 3 of us to move on.
I had that as one of my goals once too - for my brothers. Unfortunately their sobriety can't be my goal!! Unless I want to keep bangin my head against walls in an attemopt to achieve the impossible.
I learned to set goals only for myself.
Happily, when I turn my intense energy to setting and achieving my own goals and not setting them for others I make astounding progress towards creating the life I WANT and deserve!! And that has made me very serene and happy and my kids very serene and happy. It's amazing!
peace and glad to hear you're putting the kid's safety first again - you'll never regret that!
B.
I had that as one of my goals once too - for my brothers. Unfortunately their sobriety can't be my goal!! Unless I want to keep bangin my head against walls in an attemopt to achieve the impossible.
I learned to set goals only for myself.
Happily, when I turn my intense energy to setting and achieving my own goals and not setting them for others I make astounding progress towards creating the life I WANT and deserve!! And that has made me very serene and happy and my kids very serene and happy. It's amazing!
peace and glad to hear you're putting the kid's safety first again - you'll never regret that!
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I wasn't able to get anyone sober in my life...mother, sister, father, uncle, GF....I was lucky enough to be there for my sister when she decided to get sober, but that was after 20 years of waiting around and 13 years of sobriety myself, I've sponsored a few dozen guys, but they decided to get sober before they talked to me, and I got a chance to be the guy that took some dozens of people to their first AA meeting...but get them sober? nu uh.
Word is "Getting them sober" is a fantastic book about this, you may find it helpful actually.
In 17 years of AA I have never seen anyone successfully get sober for somebody else, that's tens of thousands of alcoholics I have heard or spoken to.
I wasn't able to get sober for anyone else....
Hell, this is the internet, I have never seen anyone on the internet get sober for somebody else....
My goal is for me to be healthy, I gave up trying to get other people healthy some time ago...it just doesn't work.
I'd love to be proven wrong....but for me before I actually could "fix" a situation, I had to be realistic about it, and not base my present day actions on the what-if's and the "If only this then that's".
Good luck, I hope things work out for you and your children, and I hope your husband does get sober.....
Word is "Getting them sober" is a fantastic book about this, you may find it helpful actually.
In 17 years of AA I have never seen anyone successfully get sober for somebody else, that's tens of thousands of alcoholics I have heard or spoken to.
I wasn't able to get sober for anyone else....
Hell, this is the internet, I have never seen anyone on the internet get sober for somebody else....
My goal is for me to be healthy, I gave up trying to get other people healthy some time ago...it just doesn't work.
I'd love to be proven wrong....but for me before I actually could "fix" a situation, I had to be realistic about it, and not base my present day actions on the what-if's and the "If only this then that's".
Good luck, I hope things work out for you and your children, and I hope your husband does get sober.....
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