Marigolds

Valentine's Day started out quite well...we went away for an overnight. But his drinking started around 2:00pm and it continued throughout the day. I didn't say anything, but felt sad that he can't seem to enjoy a day off or being with me without a beer. After dinner that night, I finally couldn't stop myself from saying anything. He just kept ordering beers. He got that pained look on his face that he gets when he drinks too much. I finally said something. I am new to recovery and didn't know what to do. I didn't lose my temper though, but was very angry inside. To his credit, he stopped drinking and left a nearly full beer on the table. We left to go back to the hotel, he fell down, hurt his leg quite badly, and the rest of the evening was ruined.

The next day we tried to talk about it, he apologized and felt bad...he said that when he has a day off, he tries too hard to relax. Now he keeps saying that he ruined our trip. He hasn't been on one of these bad benders in awhile - he does so good for so long, then this happens.

I don't know how to control the rage I felt building all that day. I wanted so badly to just start yelling at him. I'm afraid I've turned it inside back on me, my anxiety has been through the roof. I am still very angry with him.

I don't know what is the best thing to do or what I should have done while this was going on. I totally don't understand boundaries in this situation - do I refuse to go anywhere with him if there's booze? Do I get up and leave when he's had too much?

But I guess I am starting to understand how "baffling" this thing is - I don't know what to do. Help.

GiveLove

Marigolds,

I don't think there are any shoulds here, so please don't be judgmental of yourself. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend a civilized day with someone you care about, without them getting plastered. Most of us would've been equally angry.

As for him ruining your day, well, that's the truth. He did. So let him own that, and don't let him make you feel guilty for speaking your mind. Sounds like he's laying a big "poor little me" guilt trip all over you, and you're responding with "I'm the bad person." Know that that's a typical alcoholic turnaround.

And as for "trying so hard to relax".......well, not to sound mean but....it doesn't sound like he was trying. All he was doing was lifting one glass after another. How hard is that? "Trying" implies he was actually making some sort of effort.

I have a statement I make to my husband, who - while not an alcoholic - has been known on rare occasions to drink a few too many. It is: "I love you, but if you drink more than a couple of beers at (insert social event) it's going to make me really uncomfortable. Let's agree on how much we're going to drink at this thing so we both have a good time and no weirdness."

He also knows the consequences of breaking that agreement: I'll leave him there, drive myself home, let him find his own way home, and often take a break for a few months because I'm just not comfortable going out with him at all. No negotiation, no bargaining, no guilt trips: just boundaries.

It's very different with an alcoholic - they are often incapable of stopping. But it sounds like you have enough of a bond to be able to say "I'm uncomfortable with the amount you're drinking" and have it be accepted (i.e. his leaving a beer on the table). You could experiment and maybe say it sooner, not letting it build up to a rage ---- maybe that's something to try.

It is very tempting to let things build up, to let them get good and drunk, so we're justified in our anger. But it doesn't have to get that bad, especially if you have an agreement beforehand, and maybe even some sort of signal just between the two of you. I used to have a little plastic godzilla I'd sometimes slip into my husband's hand Didn't mean anything to anybody else, and didn't embarrass him in front of his friends, but its meaning was clear: Stop now or you're getting a one-way ticket to repercussion-ville.

None of this may be appropriate......I'm just sharing what's worked for me because it seems like your husband may be open to this sort of thing.

Hugs

MsPINKAcres

Please know it's NOT about YOU!!! His inability to have a day without a beer has nothing to do with you - it has to do with the disease of alcoholism.

I can relate to the anger feelings and not wanting to react on those feelings. For me, I found that writing out my feelings helped. I wrote anger letters to the disease, to him, to alcohol, to God, to everything - just to get my anger out and expressed.

Then I usually burned the letters, ripped them up or shredded them - as I did this I said a pray to my HP asking for healing of the anger and a better understanding of how I had been affected by this disease. Help me help ME get better. Cause that's the only person I can save.

That's just my e, s, & h.
Wishing you Peace, Joy and Love,
Rita

Marigolds

GiveLove & Japic - Thank you so much...there is so much good information in your posts. I am definitely going to try all of your suggestions.

lovtolaff

Oh man. Boy do I know what you are feeling. We couldn't go ANYWHERE on anyday without him drinking. I would be livid by the end of the day or night. And yes you do have the right to be angry.

His inability to live life without turning everything into a drinkfest is one of the reasons I broke up with him. I KNEW that there were normal men out there that could enjoy what life has to offer without the help of a 6 pack (or in my case an 18 pack).

We used to go fishing alot - I love to fish and our trips always started out great - but by the end of the trip, he was usually pretty loaded and turning into quite an a$$hole so it kind of ruined the whole experience, not to mention the "feeling safe" issue that I had sometimes. He would always say to me how we need to go camping here or there and my insides would churn because I knew that I wouldn't feel safe out in the middle of nowhere with him 3 sheets in the wind by dusk.

Thank you for this post - I needed this reminder today.