I'm sorry but I need to vent..
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I'm sorry but I need to vent..
After my first Al-Anon meeting on Monday my recovering A decided our relationship wasn't right... again. He wants me to move out (it's his place). Nothing has changed since Monday and his feeling is still the same.
Ok, I don't necessarily want that but I have to accept I cannot change this or him so I am sorting out leaving him and the place I am living.
Last night I was very scared about what was happening, but they say the darkest hour is before the dawn and today I have woken up prepared to do what I can today to facilitate me leaving. So, I have made a list of things I have to do and started packing.
I asked him (A) if there was any room in the garage for me to put my stuff. This was met with a no it is full. I asked if he knew if our neighbour who has a garage in a block near us would know the name of the guy who owned them as he may have one spare for a couple of weeks. This was met with why don't you ask him. I have asked what I need to do to cause least disruption to him and the house while I sort what I need to take and what I can throw away as it will save on removal and storage costs. Basically I am not to involve him unless I am asking for specific instances of assistance and to pack while he is not here. I have read him the list of things I have to do to leave and it just does not register the amount of crap I have to do to get out let alone find somewhere to live.
We agreed to talk over distribution of stuff and sorting out financial affairs. I wanted to keep everything simple and any money exchanging hands for items or paying anything back distinct and not get into some deduct here add there checks and balances thing: as there really is only two distinct things we need to pay to the other and vice versa. You would think from his reaction that I am trying to hustle him. I have never felt so awful in my life. He is talking to me like I'm a liar and a thief.
He keeps saying you are too tired to accomplish or do anything right now and to chill out and watch a dvd. Yep I am tired but I am capable of packing clothes and having a brief adult discussion about who gets what pot plant etc.!
Now he has told me I am 'doing his head in' he can't deal with me and I am making no sense because I am tired and has taken himself into the bedroom with a dvd and 'I want to be alone'. I have said I understand this is a difficult situation but I'm going to need some imput in from him regarding the logistics etc. of this. I think he thinks I can just wave a wand and 'poof' me and half a home of stuff will be gone.
Oh and his answer to everything right now is he is not going to discuss anything with him maybe I should to talk to someone whose number I have from Al-Anon.
I am... I don't know if I'm allowed to swear/curse... bloody angry and frustrated right now. Oh I've proably done a whole lot of things wrong in this little dance and I'll probably get my a** kicked by some but he is being unreasonable and difficult and quite frankly horrible. I shouldn't even be thinking about what he is doing right now, I have packing to do!
Sorry... I needed to do that.
Ok, I don't necessarily want that but I have to accept I cannot change this or him so I am sorting out leaving him and the place I am living.
Last night I was very scared about what was happening, but they say the darkest hour is before the dawn and today I have woken up prepared to do what I can today to facilitate me leaving. So, I have made a list of things I have to do and started packing.
I asked him (A) if there was any room in the garage for me to put my stuff. This was met with a no it is full. I asked if he knew if our neighbour who has a garage in a block near us would know the name of the guy who owned them as he may have one spare for a couple of weeks. This was met with why don't you ask him. I have asked what I need to do to cause least disruption to him and the house while I sort what I need to take and what I can throw away as it will save on removal and storage costs. Basically I am not to involve him unless I am asking for specific instances of assistance and to pack while he is not here. I have read him the list of things I have to do to leave and it just does not register the amount of crap I have to do to get out let alone find somewhere to live.
We agreed to talk over distribution of stuff and sorting out financial affairs. I wanted to keep everything simple and any money exchanging hands for items or paying anything back distinct and not get into some deduct here add there checks and balances thing: as there really is only two distinct things we need to pay to the other and vice versa. You would think from his reaction that I am trying to hustle him. I have never felt so awful in my life. He is talking to me like I'm a liar and a thief.
He keeps saying you are too tired to accomplish or do anything right now and to chill out and watch a dvd. Yep I am tired but I am capable of packing clothes and having a brief adult discussion about who gets what pot plant etc.!
Now he has told me I am 'doing his head in' he can't deal with me and I am making no sense because I am tired and has taken himself into the bedroom with a dvd and 'I want to be alone'. I have said I understand this is a difficult situation but I'm going to need some imput in from him regarding the logistics etc. of this. I think he thinks I can just wave a wand and 'poof' me and half a home of stuff will be gone.
Oh and his answer to everything right now is he is not going to discuss anything with him maybe I should to talk to someone whose number I have from Al-Anon.
I am... I don't know if I'm allowed to swear/curse... bloody angry and frustrated right now. Oh I've proably done a whole lot of things wrong in this little dance and I'll probably get my a** kicked by some but he is being unreasonable and difficult and quite frankly horrible. I shouldn't even be thinking about what he is doing right now, I have packing to do!
Sorry... I needed to do that.
Last edited by tallulah; 02-15-2009 at 07:53 AM. Reason: missed a bit.. :-0
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Hi.. sorry .. I just poured it all out.
I'm sorting out a place for my stuff tomorrow (storage). I'm then planning to go stay with friends or family in the short term. I plan to be out of here as quickly as possible and I don't want to leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
I'm sorting out a place for my stuff tomorrow (storage). I'm then planning to go stay with friends or family in the short term. I plan to be out of here as quickly as possible and I don't want to leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
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No need to apologize! I just wasn't quite sure what the arrangement was! :ghug
Pour it all out anytime you need, hon. I do understand the frustration, and I agree with your wanting to not leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
I'm sorry things turned out this way for you. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas winds!
Pour it all out anytime you need, hon. I do understand the frustration, and I agree with your wanting to not leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
I'm sorry things turned out this way for you. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas winds!
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
No need to apologize! I just wasn't quite sure what the arrangement was! :ghug
Pour it all out anytime you need, hon. I do understand the frustration, and I agree with your wanting to not leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
I'm sorry things turned out this way for you. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas winds!
Pour it all out anytime you need, hon. I do understand the frustration, and I agree with your wanting to not leave anything behind to collect at a later date.
I'm sorry things turned out this way for you. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas winds!
I'm feeling manipulated right now and rather continue the dance I decided to step out for my own sanity and just type.
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Thanks...
I feel much better for it. He came into the room I am in and asked me if i was ok. I looked up said yes thanks and continued typing my impromptu electronic journal. He's gone back to the bedroom and is watching tv and I'm getting to my serene place.
I feel much better for it. He came into the room I am in and asked me if i was ok. I looked up said yes thanks and continued typing my impromptu electronic journal. He's gone back to the bedroom and is watching tv and I'm getting to my serene place.
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Wow! He sounds angry, argumentative, misdirected, and completely off balance.
This is exactly what an addict does to those around them every hour of every day. Up, down, side to side.
I think the dance you talk about is entirely being directed by you right and you can take it in any direction you want to if you just harness your frustration into positive energy. That's right, I'm saying that you, not him, are the one in control!
When you ask about where to put your stuff, that means you are actually going to go through with this.
When you say you need discuss dividing the property, even the pot plant, you are actually going to go through with this.
When you can't sit with him to watch a movie or stop typing to tell him how you're really feeling, YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
This was never supposed to be, ya know. When he said that he wanted you to leave, you were supposed to do whatever you could to convince him otherwise. You were supposed to make him feel loved and wanted and give up anything you needed (Al-Anon) to make him happy and fix the relationship. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THAT????
His mind is spinning right now. I don't even think he's actively trying to manipulate you even. I think he's so thrown that you are actually going to go that he's L*o*s*t.
Stay strong. One step at a time. One task at a time. You have an overall plan about how you're going to leave. Just keep venting those negative feelings so they don't cloud your brain and you can keep moving forward.
You can do this!
Alice
This is exactly what an addict does to those around them every hour of every day. Up, down, side to side.
I think the dance you talk about is entirely being directed by you right and you can take it in any direction you want to if you just harness your frustration into positive energy. That's right, I'm saying that you, not him, are the one in control!
When you ask about where to put your stuff, that means you are actually going to go through with this.
When you say you need discuss dividing the property, even the pot plant, you are actually going to go through with this.
When you can't sit with him to watch a movie or stop typing to tell him how you're really feeling, YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
This was never supposed to be, ya know. When he said that he wanted you to leave, you were supposed to do whatever you could to convince him otherwise. You were supposed to make him feel loved and wanted and give up anything you needed (Al-Anon) to make him happy and fix the relationship. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THAT????
His mind is spinning right now. I don't even think he's actively trying to manipulate you even. I think he's so thrown that you are actually going to go that he's L*o*s*t.
Stay strong. One step at a time. One task at a time. You have an overall plan about how you're going to leave. Just keep venting those negative feelings so they don't cloud your brain and you can keep moving forward.
You can do this!
Alice
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Originally Posted by tallulah
Thanks...
I feel much better for it. He came into the room I am in and asked me if i was ok. I looked up said yes thanks and continued typing my impromptu electronic journal. He's gone back to the bedroom and is watching tv and I'm getting to my serene place.
I feel much better for it. He came into the room I am in and asked me if i was ok. I looked up said yes thanks and continued typing my impromptu electronic journal. He's gone back to the bedroom and is watching tv and I'm getting to my serene place.
Isn't it wonderful when we can stop, take time for ourselves, and find that place within ourselves?
You are going to be okay, gal, I promise!
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All I could picture in my mind reading your post was you doing your thing, packing and if he walked in the room starting his stuff, you could sing....lalalalalalala I can't hear you. Maybe that mental image can breing a smile see you through the next 24 hours as you have to deal with this.
It helps me to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel as well. There is a "Just for Today" that says "Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
So just for today you can do what you need to do to get your stuff out of there and start a new life. Proud of the big steps you are taking to take care of you!
It helps me to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel as well. There is a "Just for Today" that says "Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
So just for today you can do what you need to do to get your stuff out of there and start a new life. Proud of the big steps you are taking to take care of you!
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Yep ItsmeAlice. I think you may be right.
He has no 'tools' to deal with this in a calm, rational adult fashion right now. Kudos to him for not going to get drunk though. He has learned that the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle. He is still lashing out though and that is not acceptable anymore.
I've been in this exact same place before. And on previous occasions I have played the game and danced the two step. I didn't leave. I was probably sub-conciously worried he may drink and didn't want the responsibility. I also love him so that played a part. I have never thought I can make him better but I have wanted to be there for the wonderful man he is when he is not plagued by demons, doubts or insecurities.
You are quite right about the 'dance'. I don't want to control his steps, I can't, he can continue jigging around as long as he wants. But I realised (after just a week of Al-Anon) that I can stop. It is entirely within my power to do so.
You are right. This isn't supposed to be. When he came and asked me how I was, I was supposed to say not good. I was supposed to open up my hurt as I have done so many times before and start dancing again.
But I didn't. I didn't chase after him to the bedroom trying to make him understand where I was coming from or try to placate him. I opened up my laptop and went 'aaaaarrggghhhh' in a safe place.
I do not want to leave him. I do love him. But I can live without him if staying means carrying on the old behaviours. Because I can't anymore. I'm early days learning the ropes and I may slip sometimes but I cant go back now.
I don't know what he is doing right now. And that's alright. I'm dinking about on the internet and planning to watch a little t.v.
Thank you for your reply btw.. x
He has no 'tools' to deal with this in a calm, rational adult fashion right now. Kudos to him for not going to get drunk though. He has learned that the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle. He is still lashing out though and that is not acceptable anymore.
I've been in this exact same place before. And on previous occasions I have played the game and danced the two step. I didn't leave. I was probably sub-conciously worried he may drink and didn't want the responsibility. I also love him so that played a part. I have never thought I can make him better but I have wanted to be there for the wonderful man he is when he is not plagued by demons, doubts or insecurities.
You are quite right about the 'dance'. I don't want to control his steps, I can't, he can continue jigging around as long as he wants. But I realised (after just a week of Al-Anon) that I can stop. It is entirely within my power to do so.
You are right. This isn't supposed to be. When he came and asked me how I was, I was supposed to say not good. I was supposed to open up my hurt as I have done so many times before and start dancing again.
But I didn't. I didn't chase after him to the bedroom trying to make him understand where I was coming from or try to placate him. I opened up my laptop and went 'aaaaarrggghhhh' in a safe place.
I do not want to leave him. I do love him. But I can live without him if staying means carrying on the old behaviours. Because I can't anymore. I'm early days learning the ropes and I may slip sometimes but I cant go back now.
I don't know what he is doing right now. And that's alright. I'm dinking about on the internet and planning to watch a little t.v.
Thank you for your reply btw.. x
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I am so proud of you! :ghug3
Isn't it wonderful when we can stop, take time for ourselves, and find that place within ourselves?
You are going to be okay, gal, I promise!
Isn't it wonderful when we can stop, take time for ourselves, and find that place within ourselves?
You are going to be okay, gal, I promise!
Thank you... :ghug3
Before I would either have been chasing after him (which is of course what part of him probably wants) or I would have been sat in another room my stomach in knots and my head spinning.
I've not been here long.. but this forum is an absolute sanity saver.
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Originally Posted by greeteachday
All I could picture in my mind reading your post was you doing your thing, packing and if he walked in the room starting his stuff, you could sing....lalalalalalala I can't hear you. Maybe that mental image can breing a smile see you through the next 24 hours as you have to deal with this.
It helps me to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel as well. There is a "Just for Today" that says "Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
So just for today you can do what you need to do to get your stuff out of there and start a new life. Proud of the big steps you are taking to take care of you!
It helps me to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel as well. There is a "Just for Today" that says "Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
So just for today you can do what you need to do to get your stuff out of there and start a new life. Proud of the big steps you are taking to take care of you!
I'm starting to understand the concept of "Just for Today". Although for me right now it is more "Just for this Hour". But I'm not thinking about tomorrow: I'm just doing what I can today to get me there unscathed and moving towards where I need to be.
Thanks for your encouragement. It means alot. :ghug3
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I've often shaved it down to 5 minutes at a time! I do whatever works for me!
One day... one day.. I'll be at 5 minutes maybe less. I've decided I'm going back to yoga class. That will be fab for balancing me.
Right now.. I'm going to get a bowl of soup and watch some silly tv programme.
Thank you Freedom...
Thank you all...
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small update..
So he stayed in the bedroom. I stayed in the living room. Then I felt hungry. So what you say lol. Well it was a big deal because I hadn't eaten in 11 days as I just had no appetite at all. So I made myself some food and what do you know, he made himself some at exactly the same time and came into the living room to eat.
I accepted that and just spoke to him in a normal manner when he said something but I didn't engage in the dance. I didn't spark up the music and nor did he. After about 45 minutes I felt tired, said so, and we went out separate ways to sleep. Progress? Well it felt like it; for me. I am available to talk with him but I'm no longer two stepping.
I slept better than I have for days. I felt calm, serene and peaceful and I have woken today feeling better than I have for a while.
Another Al-Anon meeting tonight and this time I might not need the tissues.
So he stayed in the bedroom. I stayed in the living room. Then I felt hungry. So what you say lol. Well it was a big deal because I hadn't eaten in 11 days as I just had no appetite at all. So I made myself some food and what do you know, he made himself some at exactly the same time and came into the living room to eat.
I accepted that and just spoke to him in a normal manner when he said something but I didn't engage in the dance. I didn't spark up the music and nor did he. After about 45 minutes I felt tired, said so, and we went out separate ways to sleep. Progress? Well it felt like it; for me. I am available to talk with him but I'm no longer two stepping.
I slept better than I have for days. I felt calm, serene and peaceful and I have woken today feeling better than I have for a while.
Another Al-Anon meeting tonight and this time I might not need the tissues.
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