tallulah

So.. On Monday after my first Al-anon meeting I put my fate out there.. to the Universe/HP. I asked for the courage and the strength to make positive change and the opportunity to do the same.

Well.. today I have a very real opportunity to work in another country. The opportunity just came out of the blue. It was nothing I'd planned or expected.

I told my recovering A.

Despite his latest 'push me' in the 'push me/pull me' that has punctuated our relationship, he doesn't seem happy about it. Apparently I am running away from my problems and I am being extreme if I take the opportunity. I have heard lots of reasons why it would (according to him) be a bad idea for me. Whilst he hasn't actually come out and said it, I get the feeling that he doesn't like the thought of me actually moving forward.

TakingCharge999

Hi tallulah
Congratulations!
If it is a good job opportunity for you, take it. Those are scarce.
I bet that if it was a good opportunity for him, you would support him, and if you didn't he would say why you do not believe in him, after all he's done etc. etc./ Nothing can ever fulfill them...
Anyhow just think about you and your career. If you choose to continue the relation then you can visit each other, etc. its not that you are going to another planet. Sometimes I wish I could go to a different one though.

Where are you going to?

freya

Well, what do you like?????...are you talking to him about this in an attempt to manipulate him into more loving/caring behavior or because you are really thinking that it would be the best thing for you?...and, if you are thinking it might be the best thing for you, is that because it would make it "easy" for you to (pretend to) resolve the issue of your problematic relationship with your A or because you truly believe that it would be a proactive, fulfilling step in the right direction for your own future?????

freya

tallulah

I'm telling him because, as I live with him, we will have some things to sort out. Me leaving is already out there. I told him I plan to leave a week ago. Then I took myself off to Al-anon and started to get my life in order.

You don't know me but if you did you would know that I don't do 'I'm leaving please beg me to stay'. He has the manipulation and game playing issues in our relationship all sewn up: there's no room for another game player.

I've just started on my road to recovery and so I'm still susceptible to all the mind games and manipulations. I'm posting this because after three years of being in a fog with this man manipulating my emotions I finally have the courage and the outlet to get an opinion from somebody.

But thank you for your post anyway.

Ago

Careful What You ask for huh?

Do you really think he doesn't want you moving forward or do you think he doesn't want you moving away?

There's a certain finality there.

Anyway, I don't think any of us are qualified to give our opinion or "advice" on life altering decisions, to do so based on a few paragraphs would be irresponsible in the extreme.

We share our "experience, strength and hope" and that means I can tell you what it was like for me when I moved, but I'm not going to say move or don't move, I don't even feel a qualified therapist that is familiar with my story should tell me "move or don't move"

We can help you ask the questions you may to ask yourself though, and we can support you in whatever decision you decide to make for yourself.

Leaving him aside, what do you want to do?

Will this move advance your career?

Is this a place you will be comfortable living?

How long would this last?

Tell us more, perhaps as you write about it the answer will leap off the page at you, I often use this site as "journaling with feedback"

tallulah

Thank you..x When I got the news that they (the company) were interested in me I smiled probably for the first time in months. If I'm honest I'm not really sure about the HP concept but it something seems to be happening.

Yes I would support him. I suppose the 'attitude' is just him being uncomfortable with me taking back some 'power'.

The opportunity is in Australia, so it kind of is like another planet.

tallulah

LOL.. yes be careful what you wish for. I have to say the cynic in me has been quietened by this. I understand no-one can tell me go or stay: I suppose I'm just thinking out loud. Processing in print.

If I'm honest about the A's reaction I think it is less about concern for me and more about him. And if I'm being brutally honest, that makes me slightly angry. His insistance that I am running away made me think 'what the hell do you know' although I didn't articulate it.

I want to move forward. Not run away from anything but move toward something. I'm not sure if this would advance my career but it would be an adventure. It is for as long as I want it to be: if I don't like it out there I can always come back.

Ago

Sounds like you have made a decision, and it may be a little of both, running away and running towards, that's OK too.

That sounds great, Travel is always good, Adventure is always good.

forget about his reaction.

I don't care about his reaction.

His reaction is unimportant to this thread and to your decision.

Time to focus on you and the real reasons why you'd like to do/not do this move

Freya was trying to make that point as well, no harm was meant there (i think).

tallulah

Thanks Ago.

You're right. His reaction is immaterial. I suppose I posted because I'm feeling a little deja vu and probably wanted exactly what you posted. A little prod to remind me.

I apologise freya if I sounded a little brusque. I'm not a game player and I felt your post suggested perhaps I was being manipulative. If you knew me, which of course you don't, you'd know I don't make idle threats and would never try to make someone display love or care by coercion.

Barbara52

If I had turned myself over to my HP and all of a sudden a great opportunity came along I would see it as my HP saying "here ya go darling, go for it."

freya

Well, I asked because I didn't know -- I don't feel any obligation to go research people's entire posting history to figure out exactly where they're coming from. I figure if people put something out there for feedback, they're gonna provide all of the details that they feel are relevant to getting that feedback...if it seems pretty obvious that they haven't done so, I ask.

I asked; you answered (and a "right" -- in the sense of "healthy" -- answer it is, too!). No offense either way...but thanks for thinking of it....

freya

GiveLove

tallulah, you'd be amazed - and aghast - at how many people look hard inside themselves and find they've been doing this, even though they don't believe they're like that. We see it every single day here, multiple times, because people are in pain and not thinking too clearly. So while freya's post didn't surprise me, I think it's because we're so used to people doing this without even thinking about it.

That, unfortunately, is the nature of alcoholics and alcoholism. What's in this for ME? How will this affect my ability to comfortably drink? I think your anger is healthy.

I'm all for adventures to flex our muscles and explore what life has to offer us. I'm not into being manipulated by people trying to keep the status quo. So I know how you feel. In my first relationship with an alcoholic, I finally said "enough" and left for Australia and New Zealand.....and it did great things for my self esteem, confidence, inner strength.

Big hugs and good luck if you decide to go to Australia. One of my favorite planets

LaTeeDa

As gently as I can put this--there is no game if there is only one person playing. If you are not part of the game, he has no one to play with.

Just something to think about.

L

TakingCharge999

Hi!!
Ago.. thanks for clarying the meaning of support...
Anyhow I wanted to say (now that we are all clarifying our posts) that his opinion should not influence your decision regarding your career...
LTD is correct... its always 50/50.
I am glad you are seeking answers for your own sake and please ship me an Australian while you are there (or two)
THAT would lift my spirits

tallulah

thank you for your reply..x

It does kind of feel like that. I am a bit wary/cynical/baffled by the whole idea of something like cosmic ordering (for want of a better expression) and the universe providing. So I suppose, having slept on it, my initial post is like trying to anchor my acceptance of 'putting it out there' whilst my A plays to my cynical side.

tallulah

Of course not. And, from my posts so far you'd probably get no real sense of me because I'm at the soft toy with its stuffing on the floor stage. I'm spilling, understanding, processing.

I may have manipulated in the past, I really don't know. Manipulation feels like such a subjective thing in some ways and covers a multitude of meaning. I don't think I'm doing it now: but I'm going to talk it out with someone who has been here and got the T-shirt.

Thank you for your replies..they mean alot.. even if it didn't seem like I took the first one with good grace.. :ghug3

tallulah

Thank you for your reply.. and your hugs and your support.. x

I understand what you are saying. I am pretty good at saying what I mean and meaning it but, as I said in the post above, I may have manipulated in the past, I really don't know. I certainly don’t think so but I am going to talk it out and I’m willing to be shown I’m wrong and address that.

I’m glad you are saying that anger is healthy in this. I woke this morning to go into the kitchen and find an open newspaper left by my A. It was about working from home. My initial reaction was an angry WTF! What’s he left this for? Very closely followed by ‘oh, look at that picture of someone working under a palm tree on the beach in sunny climes… that could be me’.

I know I know. Those reactions should be the other way around (if I should experience the first at all) but I suppose it shows me I have some work to do on not thinking about his ulterior motives.

I’m seeing this as an opportunity I can choose. An option for me. I may not take it… it might not be right for me.. but it feels good to have it.

tallulah

You are absolutely right. And thank you... x

tallulah

Thank you...x I'll see what I can do ;-)