Sober but not working program
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2
Sober but not working program
My husband has been sober for 18 years. He goes to meetings however he does not work with a sponsor. He is miserable, nasty, moody, withdrawn, you name it. He cannot accept that he drank because of personality issues or childhood issues. He thinks is was all about enjoying drinking and that he was going to become an alcoholic anyway because he has the gene. However, when I mention that he does not work any program he will blame me and say I don't make it a comfortable environment for him to work it. He tells me I am crazy constantly, that he is stable and sane. I know he is just saying that to get me upset. He just doesn't want to do anything that is hard, he stopped drinking is that is enough.
I don't feel I have to set up the perfect situation in hopes that man will work his program.
I don't feel I have to set up the perfect situation in hopes that man will work his program.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hi there,
doesn't sound like a nurturing and respectful situation to be in. Do you go to al-anon or have counselling for yourself?
people don't have to be drinking to refuse to take responsibility for their own actions (I should know I do a fair bit of it
).
Glad you found SR.
doesn't sound like a nurturing and respectful situation to be in. Do you go to al-anon or have counselling for yourself?
people don't have to be drinking to refuse to take responsibility for their own actions (I should know I do a fair bit of it
).Glad you found SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi 1forlax.. I'm sorry to hear of your upset and hurt..
I can understand what you are saying. I know how it feels to suggest and hope and they say they will or they make half hearted attempts but nothing comes of it. I've heard the 'I'm doing enough' argument.
I've learned, just recently, that you can suggest getting help other than AA, you can suggest he gets a sponsor, you can suggest something anything but you can't make them do anything. You can and probably do tie yourself up in knots trying to make things 'right' and hoping and coping. The only person you can be responsible for, the only person you can change... is you.
I can understand what you are saying. I know how it feels to suggest and hope and they say they will or they make half hearted attempts but nothing comes of it. I've heard the 'I'm doing enough' argument.
I've learned, just recently, that you can suggest getting help other than AA, you can suggest he gets a sponsor, you can suggest something anything but you can't make them do anything. You can and probably do tie yourself up in knots trying to make things 'right' and hoping and coping. The only person you can be responsible for, the only person you can change... is you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2
I have been with him before is sobriety. I want happiness. I have no income, I have 3 kids, I would leave, I feel stuck. I have done counseling and AlAnon. He puts on this show about how he tries. Of course behind close doors, there is no trying. I understand that only I can change, I guess I am venting more than anything. The relief I get, is he is a merchant seaman and he is gone 60days, the problem is when he is home.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome To SR
I recommend reading the stickies, stick around, there is ton of support here. Many here recommend and have found help through therapy, alanon, and by posting here, and following others threads.
I must be confused but how will him working a program change her?
I found it's best if I work my own program, sitting around waiting for other people to change for me is a tedious process that I have yet to have any success with, and one that makes me deeply unhappy, and as long as "they" are the problem I find I'm not taking responsibility for my self and my own happiness.
I recommend reading the stickies, stick around, there is ton of support here. Many here recommend and have found help through therapy, alanon, and by posting here, and following others threads.
Originally Posted by drained22 
unless he is working a program I wouldn't expect any change.
I found it's best if I work my own program, sitting around waiting for other people to change for me is a tedious process that I have yet to have any success with, and one that makes me deeply unhappy, and as long as "they" are the problem I find I'm not taking responsibility for my self and my own happiness.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
That's pretty good news about your husband's long term sobriety. My message to you is not look to your husband for happiness and validation. Look within and look to please yourself. Even if your husband was never an alcoholic and had a wonderful childhood, there would be no man on earth who would know the exact things you need on a day to day basis to feel wonderful. No man would know the right thing to say at the right time, the right time to give you a hug and the right time to back off. You do have the power to make yourself happy even if this relationship is lacking. Keep coming back to Al-Anon and work the program.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Hi there
I can understand how you're feeling, I think. My husband is nearly 15 years sober and I'm married to him for 5, been together 9. Right now I'm in the process of trying to get a separation, because I can't live with his behaviour any longer.
He goes to AA just like your husband, talks the talk really well, but in reality he's controlling, moody, a perfectionist, blames everyone else for everything that's wrong in his life, me especially. I've tried everything, and I can't go on like this, it's slowly killing me.
I told him 2 weeks ago I wanted out of the marriage, that I didn't love him anymore, and it's been a living nightmare ever since. He's thrown everything at me, accused me of affairs, of taking drugs, cried, says I'm destroying him, that he's been a model husband. He's totally delusional and he's going to fight all the way to to the courts. I refuse to engage and its driving him crazy because he's not contolling me now. Its so hard but I have to get away, and my heart goes out to you, I know what it's like to live with a dry drunk.
Neither of us can move out of the house (though it's my house) until the legal proceedings are done which could take months, but at least we have no children.
Are you dependant on him financially?
All I can say is if he's not working the program, which is up to him, nothing to do with you, it'll get worse, not better. I know, I've been there, I enabled him and now i'm paying the price.
Look out for yourself and your children, even if you still love him, is it worth it to live a life like this for all the years to come?
I can understand how you're feeling, I think. My husband is nearly 15 years sober and I'm married to him for 5, been together 9. Right now I'm in the process of trying to get a separation, because I can't live with his behaviour any longer.
He goes to AA just like your husband, talks the talk really well, but in reality he's controlling, moody, a perfectionist, blames everyone else for everything that's wrong in his life, me especially. I've tried everything, and I can't go on like this, it's slowly killing me.
I told him 2 weeks ago I wanted out of the marriage, that I didn't love him anymore, and it's been a living nightmare ever since. He's thrown everything at me, accused me of affairs, of taking drugs, cried, says I'm destroying him, that he's been a model husband. He's totally delusional and he's going to fight all the way to to the courts. I refuse to engage and its driving him crazy because he's not contolling me now. Its so hard but I have to get away, and my heart goes out to you, I know what it's like to live with a dry drunk.
Neither of us can move out of the house (though it's my house) until the legal proceedings are done which could take months, but at least we have no children.
Are you dependant on him financially?
All I can say is if he's not working the program, which is up to him, nothing to do with you, it'll get worse, not better. I know, I've been there, I enabled him and now i'm paying the price.
Look out for yourself and your children, even if you still love him, is it worth it to live a life like this for all the years to come?
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