InRepair

Hi All,
I am 28 & I have been dating an alcoholic for 9+ months. Last week I finally had enough and cutt off all contact. I know this was the best thing for me...and I know that me being with him wasn't really helping him (despite his cries that I'm the only thing that makes him try). I know I love him but I am not in love with him...I've felt more like his caretaker than anything. So I made a contract with myself not to speak with him for atleast 3 months. Tomorrow I am going to see a therapist for the first time to deal with my own codependency issues. I know this is a huge big great step...but now Im riddled with guilt. He's called me once in the last week and though I know I needed to keep it brief for myself, I just imagined him hanging up the phone and going straight to the vodka. How do you get these ideas out of your head? I know I have no control over his drinking & nothing is my fault & I deserve to be with someone healthy. But these dangerous thoughts periodically pop in my head. I still look up things that may help him...but now I resist the urge to send them to him. I guess thats progress, right? I'm really struggling with not being his helper anymore...eventhough I know this struggle is easier than those nights when Im holding my breath wondering if he'll come home wasted.

Any insight or suggestions ?

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum InRepair (I love your name, by the way)!

I'm 27 and currently separated from/divorcing my alcoholic husband. I'm well acquainted with the automatic care-giving response that an addicted SO engenders!

It is hard to let go of the desire to help.

I found the "Getting Them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews very helpful (I know it sounds like the codependent's dream book, but it's actually very practical advice on how to love/deal with/let go of an alcoholic.

Today, though I'm not a very religious person, I do a lot of praying.
I pray for acceptance ( of life as it is), courage ( to improve what I can), and wisdom (to determine what is and is not within my control).

My STBXAH's addiction is beyond my control. So is his recovery. I choose to trust that all is unfolding in the best possible way, in my HP's time, and I ask for patience to navigate through the changes with faith and determination.

I also remember that he's going to drink whether I'm there or not (despite his declarations that I'm his only hope) and since I don't like to be around him when he's drinking or to wait up for him when he doesn't call and doesn't come home - it's in my best interest to NOT be there.

Take care. Glad you're here
-TC

ToughChoices

Sorry - double post!

LaTeeDa

I struggled with that, too. It took some time seeing a therapist, lots of journaling, and several books. What I came to understand was I felt inadequate. As a person, I needed to be helping him because it made me feel good about myself. I was raised in an alcoholic/codependent home and love was never handed out "for free." It had to be earned. I grew up trying to be cute, funny, smart, helpful, whatever worked. It took me until the age of 42 to unlearn those beliefs about myself. There are still times when I have to check my motives when going into "helping" mode to make sure I'm helping because I want to, and not because I'm wanting a shot of artificial self-esteem.

BTW, I really like your name, too.

L

TakingCharge999

Hi InRepair

Almost same story here. I hope you honor your contract and remember why you left whenever you miss him, and that it is a progressive disease. Time will prove you took the right decision. It is very sad to witness an active alcoholic in denial. And it is sadder to enable him.

To get destructive ideas out of my head I do yoga. The only time I rest from obsessing with the past, the hurt and my fear of the future. Do yoga

A motivation for my own recovery is to believe there is a link between my ex and me. When he got sicker and even more wasted I was also in a very bad emotional place too.
Even if we are physically separate now, if I become healthier he will become healthier too. If I face my fears and be brave, and imagine a different life and a different behaviour, he may one day be motivated to do that.

Regardless of him, YOU will feel better do ALL the stuff you always wanted to do!! I am skydiving and attending theater lessons and improving in my job and doing exercise and listening to MY MUSIC !! Watch Girl power movies and series.. I watch the L word.. no guys at all LOL.. La Femme Nikita is a favorite.

It is sad to let them go. I wish you well through all the emotions... they are natural and part of being human.

Hugs!!

InRepair

Thanks guys! I find myself repeating some of the things I've read here to myself through out the day and it helps.
This morning he called to let me know he's joining the kickball team we played on last year...that Ive already joined and paid for. Before I broke up with him he said he wasnt going to play b/c it wasnt good for his sobreity. Well now he's no longer acknowledging he has a problem...i apparently just "dont agree with his life style choices". WOW. Addicts are really good at finding ways to stay addicts, arent they?

Well, I initially gave him the upset response he was looking for but I called back and said "take the team..we're adults and its just kickball...and I know you are doing this to get a reaction but im not falling for it anymore".

I know that was good...but I still cant stop crying at my desk....

GiveLove

((((InRepair)))))

This will get easier, I swear it will. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing right by you.

TakingCharge999

Hi InRepair... you are not alone...
I am about to go there to my sadness hearing my ex and his valentiens day plans with the SO... while I am having troubles with my job, my second job, and trying to find a flat before March because the roomie "decided" she wants to be alone and its her home.
Be gentle with yourself. Some moments are better than others, some days are better than others...
Yes indeed, "lifestyle choices" and "fun" are equal to addiction in my exAh's head. That IS addiction. If it had anything to do with reality it wouldn't be called a disease...
Denial hurts way much and being abused by an AH in denial is about the loneliest place I have ever been.
I listen to him now but I won't engange either / I am following your example.
Breathe. That's all about what I can do now...

LaurenVMac

Wow...you did a really really BRAVE thing. You are DOING a really really BRAVE thing by going to therapy too (I always say that people in recovery, of whatever sort, are the bravest people on this earth because it takes guts to look yourself in the mirror and accept the truth)

Think of it this way when guilt rears its ugly head....You have done the most loving thing for him, and most of all YOURSELF. He hasn't hit his bottom (which is an excruciating but potentially miraculous turning point). With you not there to soften the blows of his alcoholism...maybe, we can only hope (I know that seems weird) that he will hit his soon so he can come to see the light and freedom of sobriety. No one can get him there. Only his own lonely bottom. That's how we ALL got there.

If alcoholism could be cured by the ones who want sobriety for us, there would be none at all in this world. But that is not how it works. As long as you can accept the truth of alcoholism, then you can accept the truth that you have done the best thing by leaving.

Sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there and work on that co-dependency. You'll be an AWESOME girlfriend/wife someday when that gets in check. I always saw co-dependency as compassion on speed. And then it's not that great. ;-)

This is a wonderful forum here. You are amongst friends at any al-anon and here.