Why?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Why?
I've been off the al-anon train for several years now, I know I need to find a meeting again. Anyhow, my husband is a dry drunk and while my logical brain tells me otherwise, I can't help but ask myself one thing...
Why doesn't he love me when he's sober?
It's like I'm a thorn in his side and he lets me know it. The laundry isn't done enough, the kitchen isn't organized enough, the kids aren't better behaved, the dog isn't big enough, the dinner isn't served on time enough, the checkbook isn't full enough, I made him quit drinking... I think you get it. I'm tired of trying to be enough for him when, clearly, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a housekeeper/nanny/prostitute. At least when he was drinking, even though the bills fell behind, we went bankrupt, he almost got fired, and he almost killed himself, he loved me... I was enough. Or was I?
So, at what point does a person suck up the sacrifice it would require and just cut ties. If he REFUSES to get help, what can I do? I probably already know... love shouldn't hurt, right? Love shouldn't suck every ounce of my self-esteem... and it certainly shouldn't turn me into the horrible excuse for a mother than I've become to my sweet little children (trying to perfect them so they won't upset him)... right?
Why doesn't he love me when he's sober?
It's like I'm a thorn in his side and he lets me know it. The laundry isn't done enough, the kitchen isn't organized enough, the kids aren't better behaved, the dog isn't big enough, the dinner isn't served on time enough, the checkbook isn't full enough, I made him quit drinking... I think you get it. I'm tired of trying to be enough for him when, clearly, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a housekeeper/nanny/prostitute. At least when he was drinking, even though the bills fell behind, we went bankrupt, he almost got fired, and he almost killed himself, he loved me... I was enough. Or was I?
So, at what point does a person suck up the sacrifice it would require and just cut ties. If he REFUSES to get help, what can I do? I probably already know... love shouldn't hurt, right? Love shouldn't suck every ounce of my self-esteem... and it certainly shouldn't turn me into the horrible excuse for a mother than I've become to my sweet little children (trying to perfect them so they won't upset him)... right?
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
((((coldcoffee)))) I've been where you are. Reading your post was like reading my journal this past year - especially after my AH stopped drinking.
Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you find the answers to those questions. It will help you find happiness with you and help you see why he cannot.
(hug) Keep posting! Keep taking care of YOU! We're all here for you and you're NOT alone
- JustMe
Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you find the answers to those questions. It will help you find happiness with you and help you see why he cannot.
(hug) Keep posting! Keep taking care of YOU! We're all here for you and you're NOT alone
- JustMe
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by coldcoffee 
Love shouldn't suck every ounce of my self-esteem... and it certainly shouldn't turn me into the horrible excuse for a mother than I've become to my sweet little children (trying to perfect them so they won't upset him)... right?
As a recovering codependent, for me, love is gentle, kind, and never takes away from.
As a recovering alcoholic, I had to do more than just not drink. My recovery was three-fold...physical, emotional, and spiritual. Otherwise I was just dry, not sober, and that is a miserable way to live.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Because he doesn't love himself. And you cannot make that better. Nor is it your duty to sacrifice yourself by trying to always make it better, until there is nothing in your life or your children's lives resembling joy.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I doubt there was any difference in how much he loved you drunk versus sober, coldcoffee. It's likely he just NEEDED you more, and it looked like love.
Take away the alcoholism, the drunken acts, the dry drunk behavior. Take away all the labels and the blaming and the addiction psychology. And then ask yourself:
Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Are you willing to maybe entertain the thought that you two might have grown in different directions, and now he needs someone more mechanical and you need someone more loving? It happens, unfortunately, and you can blame the drink 'til you're blue in the face but it doesn't change what you have to deal with when he comes home.
Counseling is a good option - either personal or joint - to learn how to regain your sanity, and whether there is anything left there for you. If you choose to stay and work it out, you can establish some boundaries as to the kinds of criticisms you're willing to stand there and take, and work on some new groundrules for your marriage that are fairer to you and to your kids.
It's obvious he's focusing on himself and his own happiness (trying to get YOU to be what he wants/needs).
Can you do the same, and focus on what you want out of this life?
Wishing you luck, strength, and hope
Take away the alcoholism, the drunken acts, the dry drunk behavior. Take away all the labels and the blaming and the addiction psychology. And then ask yourself:
Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Are you willing to maybe entertain the thought that you two might have grown in different directions, and now he needs someone more mechanical and you need someone more loving? It happens, unfortunately, and you can blame the drink 'til you're blue in the face but it doesn't change what you have to deal with when he comes home.
Counseling is a good option - either personal or joint - to learn how to regain your sanity, and whether there is anything left there for you. If you choose to stay and work it out, you can establish some boundaries as to the kinds of criticisms you're willing to stand there and take, and work on some new groundrules for your marriage that are fairer to you and to your kids.
It's obvious he's focusing on himself and his own happiness (trying to get YOU to be what he wants/needs).
Can you do the same, and focus on what you want out of this life?
Wishing you luck, strength, and hope
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