August011982

What I am asking is do you think it is best for an addict in recovery to be with another addict in recovery or someone who has never had a problem before?

Are 2 fellow recovering addicts bad news together ?

ksaun

What does common sence tell you?

But if your looking for an actual answer. 2 recovering addicts together in my humble opinion is just asking for failure.

sleepygoat

It all depends on how much recovery each one has. It is NOT recommended that addicts get involved with ANYONE for a whole year (though few really follow this suggestion). However, when I see 2 addicts get together each with, let's say, a month clean..... I predict you'll have a couple of using-buddies in short order.

On the other hand, my sponsor has 24 years clean and her husband has 18 years clean and they met in NA when each had - not sure - but at least a few years clean each. Neither was new in recovery.

In my life I had many relationships with recovering addicts when I too was in recovery, but each and every one of them was full of drama and fighting. I think (really I do) that we recovering addicts are a just a bit sicker than the average bear.

My own story is that I met my husband who is not an addict when I was clean about 2 years. I relapsed a few times in our 11 year marriage. I now have almost 5 yrs clean (march 28th). It works for me to be with a non-addict. He is more stable than I am in certain areas. I have more faith in a loving higher power than he does. It could just be that I made a good choice, but I also do think 2 addicts (even in recovery) have more mental health issues than the average couple.

So then, if the question is about using, relationships early in recovery are not a good idea. If the question is about successful relationships, i think it just depends.

Ann

I believe that what is best is when two `healthy` people have a relationship, each bringing something good and neither of them needy or with emotional baggage and where there is trust, respect and honesty.

This would include two recovering addicts who had a fair bit of time clean and who were healthy in their recovery.

Healthy attracts healthy, sick attracts sick...you just have to be careful not to get the two confused.

Hugs

serenityqueen

Ann pretty much took the words out of my mouth.

I want to add that, IMO, if either one is in early Recovery, say, less than at least a year, I think it's a potential recipe for disaster. During my first year, I was just finding out who I was, working on my issues and trying to learn to love myself. While working on all of these things, I think it would be too hard to be able to be emotionally available to commiting to a relationship.

Hangin' In

Boy, does this question really hit home with me and scares me, too, if I'm honest and telling all. I know there is no "right" answer, but I still get the "uh oh" feeling when I think (too much) about the upcoming wedding of my AD (5 1/2 yrs clean and sober) to her fiance (2 1/2 years clean and sober). They will marry in July. My daughter seems to be really getting her life on track. The fiance ... well ....not so much. Just laid off from his job and no real signs of looking for another one. And yes, I know the economy and job market stinks right now, but a "trust fund" doesn't help him have much incentive, ya know? And every mom wants their future SIL to be able to provide for his family, right? Just no ambition and no desire to get further training/education doesn't sit too well with this mama.

If I think about it too much, I can get totally out of whack. So I do as I've learned from my 6 years in recovery/Al Anon. I get the focus back on me and taking care of my own stuff. My pre-recovery behavior would have been to awfulize this situation to death, but recovery and my HP have taught me that does no good. It only steals my joy from today. I have to trust that my HP has a good plan for my AD and her fiance. And I pray that their commitment will be to recovery first and then to their marriage.

Bottom line is I am powerless over them and their lives. I have to remember that. And when I do, it frees me up to live a full life for myself.

So keep our family in your prayers please as we approach this wedding. I'm asking that I approach it with a good attitude. Even though this might not be the choice I would have made for my daughter, I do want her to know that I love her no matter what and I will always be there to support her (NOT ENABLE....) as she walks her road of recovery.

geekorunique

This is something that I have thought about for a while too you know. I'm eight months in recovery and while I am trying to stay away from relationships I think that if I do get into one I would prefer that it was either with someone who didn't drink at all or someone who had a good length of sobriety in AA.

I got into a relationship with someone who liked to go out and have a good time and the only thing with that was that when we were together and she had been out clubbing I had to lie in bed with someone smelling of vodka. It actually nearly turned my stomach too. But then it's hard because I wouldn't have wanted her to change her habits for me. I always say it's my sobriety and noone elses but I guess I didn't like it so much when I had to deal with a drunk girlfriend! She had no drinking problem but I had a problem with her drinking.

At the end of the day I do believe that who we're meant to be with is all mapped out by our own HPs. So if it feels right and you're not letting your heart rule your head too much I say go for it....

jerect

I would think it would depend on how much recovery each person had and how very active they were in their recovery's..

Two recovering people with just a few short months of sobriety = Disaster.. Of course any person with a few months of sobriety in a relationship with anyone would equal disaster..

Two people with several or many years of recovery behind them... yeah, I can and have seen much success in this area.. but keep in mind the couples that I know that are in recovery are active members of AA/NA and Alanon.