Need advice

Old 02-07-2009, 06:02 PM
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Question Need advice

my son has been a drug addict for the last 11 years. He is clean and in a methadoan program for 3 months now. Has tried to find work but has not been successful. He seems content being at home, having his ten dollars a day for cigaretts and having no contact with anyone except family. I try to talk to him about how unhealthy this is and he should see a counselor for depression. He refuses because he doesn't like to talk much and as far as a job he blames the economy. Even though i have printed out jobs from craigs list. The jobs he has applied for and had gone on interviews just don't call him back with his job history.
When he was using i had given him an ultimanum that he could not live at home and i did have him leave and was homeless many times.
What do i do now that he's clean? I just want to do what is right for him. Am i wrong?
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Old 02-07-2009, 07:30 PM
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Well, I guess you could cut out the $10 a day. Tell him at the end of the month there will be no more cigarette money so he will need to find work somewhere. If he is applying for jobs, tell him to call and follow up on the applications, employers like when someone is calling to work it shows they want the job. Till he finds work, I would have odd jobs around the house he can do.
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Old 02-07-2009, 07:40 PM
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Methadone is still a drug, still an opiate, and you can even get high on it, suffer withdrawals symptoms, etc. It is "better" because it gets you off heroin or other hard drugs. It is better in the same sense that it is better for an alcoholic to drink beer rather than straight vodka. So I am not sure how "clean" he is.

I like the idea of having him do work around the house. Also if you run out of things to do around the house, make him volunteer somewhere - soup kitchen, homeless shelter, etc.
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Old 02-07-2009, 07:51 PM
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I second dgillz suggestion about requiring that he at least volunteer somewhere. My AD will be coming to my house in the next month, most likely, and with her job history she can't get one. So... I let her know that volunteering would be something she had to do until she could show an employer that she can stick with something.

Of course, this is all just theory at this point! We'll see how it goes :-)
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Old 02-07-2009, 09:16 PM
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Volunteering is a wonderful way of learning new skills, gaining confidence and building a resume. The hard part is getting off the couch and out the door.
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Old 02-07-2009, 09:40 PM
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Where does the $10.00 a day come from? If from you, what do you get in return for that $300+ a month? If you are not getting paid back, why do you believe that you owe him that money?

Your son may not be able to "get a job" but he could apply each morning (in my town at 6:00 a.m.) for daily labor.

My brother is in the same place as your son, has been for years: though he has a military disability,it does not cover the basics that he needs to live, and he can't get or hold a full-time job.

I am sorry about this. But I hold down two jobs and have trouble making ends meet. I tell my brother that his JOB right now is to show up for manual labor each morning at 6:00 a.m. If he will do this each and every morning, then I will listen to his problems...but I don't want to hear about them if he is sleeping in until noon.
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Old 02-07-2009, 10:50 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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There are al-anon mtgs. in my area just for parents. This helped me in the mine-field
of son's addiction.
It is quite difficult to have them at home with a front row seat to the dysfunction.
There are Oxford Houses around the country. Maybe one close to you.
They are sober living homes with fees on a sliding scale.
They have rules to live there.

This type of environment might be much healthier for both of you.
Have your son look into this.
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Old 02-08-2009, 04:56 AM
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I know that the economy is bad (we're barely getting by also) however there are jobs out there, day labor as suggested, also volunteering is a great idea. Somehow he found the $ for drugs, now he should find the $ for cigs.

It is extremely hard to be in that front row seat, and in my case, once I started to attend Ala-non & Nar-Anon meetings I was able to make the hard decisions, kick my AD out, not give $, and simply live with some peace & serenity. Seems to me you've been dealing with his addiction for way too long. (same as my RAD she started using at approx 18 & is now 30...she now has 60+ days clean & sober)

Prayers coming your way,
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Old 02-08-2009, 06:23 AM
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Smile Gratefull!

:ghug2 Thank you to all who have responded to me. Your replies mean more than you know. Just being able to voice what I'm going through is a relief.
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Old 02-08-2009, 06:30 AM
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Volunteering is a brillant idea. He'll be giving back and maybe even see some people who are worse off then himself. One way or another for his mental stability I agree he has to get off his butt.

My son was on house arrest with an ankle monitor for 7 weeks and only left a handful of times - usually just to go to drug court or church. I knew it was bad when he would get excited about going to court - you would have thought he was going to a party with his friends with as much care as he took to get ready. He was heading towards a major depression and even the court agreed that if we didnt get him placed in rehab soon that they may have to lock him back up for his own sanity.

I never got anywhere with the chores around the house - too easy to say no to Mom but he did do a little community service at a church and was happy to be out of here. One of the larger churches in my area had a program for this exact thing - they could do volunteer/community service and had meetings they could attend. You could always say he can earn his $10 a day by working so many hours as a volunteer.
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Old 02-08-2009, 08:06 AM
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Glad you found us.

Due to the job market, and my sons additional felonies, neither can find long term jobs. Hopefully, things will start to loosen up.

Realistically, IMO, it's discouraging to the newly clean addict when they cannot find employment, (when they are truly trying) and it turns into a vicious cycle of needing money, and what to do to obtain money.

I agree with Seeker on looking into Oxford houses. From what I understand it offers a wonderful support system.

Hugs, and glad you're here.
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Old 02-08-2009, 08:29 AM
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Somehow establishing boundaries when our loved ones are clean seems a little harder than when they are using...Guess because we fear we may rock the boat. I too found Naranon meetings and reading and posting here were a huge help to get me focused on what was healthy for me and stop enabling my child. Once I did so, not only was I healthier, but my daughter started learning to figure things out for herself and with that came a return of self confidence and more healing for her too - a win win!
Hugs...So glad you found us!
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Old 02-08-2009, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by greeteachday View Post
Somehow establishing boundaries when our loved ones are clean seems a little harder than when they are using...Guess because we fear we may rock the boat.
Wow have i struggled with this one. that's it exactly how i felt the last two months. In hindsight by not rocking the boat i think i made it harder on him.
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