sillysquirrel

So, I know I should not feel guilty and I keep telling myself that and I know that is what you all will say when responding, but, nevertheless, I do. So, here is what is happening...btw...look at my other threads if you want my story...

I have an appointment with my attorney of choice next week. I told my mother about it and she seemed quite surprised that I hadn't even spoken to my AH about it. I explained to her that he would either change his behavior in the short term to change my mind OR become raging mad and cause yet another scene in front of the kiddos. Neither of which will benefit me. I have no reason to tell him, do I???

Next, AH is taking a college course. He has 4 credits. He has decided a new profession will make him happier. Anyway, he is overwhelmed with this one class and working one day a week or so. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that is all I had to worry about. So, up to this point I have been trying to help him. My hopes are that he can get his work done and then in turn care for the kids a little to give me some time for my work. Well, that is not working. He still does not help me out and so I have decided why help him? Last night, I went to bed early with the kids in hopes of getting some sleep and getting up early this AM so I could get some work done before the kiddos wake up. Seemed like a good plan. Well, AH wakes me up at 10:30 and says he really needs my help with his assignment. It is due at 11 and he needs help. I say no. He says "Are you serious?". Yes, I am serious. I tell him I went bed early so I can get up early and get MY work done. He says he really needs some help. I say SO DO I!! Anyway, I did not get up and help him and he was not happy about it. No scenes or blowups or anything, but just shocked that I wouldn't help him.

Today, I feel bad. I know I shouldn't, but I do. He hasn't drank since Sunday but I know he will binge again, probably in the next 2 weeks. Why do I want to continue to help this man when it doesn't bother him at all to never even lift a finger for me?

jaguarpcb

Congrats on not caving and helping him. You absolutely did the right thing.

Barbara52

You aren't the one taking the class. Why should you feel guity for taking care of yourself and not doing his work?

It takes time develop healthier habits and thinking. It will feel od for a while. But you will get to the point where acting healty feels healthy.

Rose56

Sillysquirrel,
Awesome!!!!! Way to go in not caving and helping him. Wow you blow me away with your being able to do this. This will go a long way to begin reducing that resentment that has built up. I probably would have helped him and then been angry. This is way better. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable, but YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!

GiveLove

I am always happy to help my husband because he's always happy to help me.

I'm not a rescuer, a savior, a tutor, or a personal assistant...I do it because it's reciprocal.

In your case, it's not part of your arrangement (at least, it's not part of HIS, so everything's one-sided). I understand how you'd feel guilty early on in the process of ceasing to enable him -- like Anvilhead says, these are new behaviors you're developing, and it will take some practice before the OLD emotions attached to them fade away.

There's also no need to tell him - or anyone - that you're exploring what would happen in a divorce scenario. You're not obligated to go through with it, you're not having him served, you're just researching.

Take care, squirrel -- you can get through this. Just be kind to yourself. And do consider that weekly schedule thing I broached the other day - where you and AH "sign up" for all the things that will need to get done in your household/lives next week (or any week). This can bring a lot of clarity as you both see who does the lion's share. And it may make these kinds of decisions -- sleep + your own work versus no sleep + HIS work -- a lot less guilt-producing. You do enough already.

Bernadette

Probably part of why you feel guilty is because you still haven't accepted some simple facts about his life, his alcoholism, his bingeing:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You Can't Cure it.


When I start feeling responsible for another person's adult choices and how they feel, when I feel guilty that someone is upset and feel compelled to "do" something because I think I am the important factor in how they feel - even though all I have done is assert my rights calmly and rationally, I know I am sliding down a very slippery slope toward behaving in ways that are damaging to me and to the other person!!

It's OK to feel guilty. Feel it. Just don't base your choices or behavior on that feeling. Forgive yourself for pissing someone off - it's really not a big deal. He can hike up his big boy undies and get a free tutor through his school, or maybe time manage better so he can work harder on HIS assignments. All of which is up to him to figure out and own 100%.

If you feel compelled to fix it and make nice - take a good hard look at that before you "do." For me that would be indulging in an unhealthy habit of mind.

I have found through the years that I don't need to suppress the negative and painful emotions that crop up naturally in the course of a day and certainly the ones that crop up with some force if I am dealing with an alcoholic-- but I do have a choice to take a moment and make sure my behavior is based on my more rational feelings, and that my Big Picture of who I am and who I want to be is not forgotten because of a momentary strong emotion....

peace-
b.

TakingCharge999

way to go squirrel

i am amazed as how we talk about the AHs as if they were our children...


its nice to see you are changing the dynamics!!

catlovermi

REALLY good question.

Perhaps working with a third party could help you work though finding the answer. Because the answer will shine a light on the root of all this "guilt." I found that, quite often, as a Codie, what I interpreted as guilt was really fear: fear of abandonment, fear of disappointing somebody else, fear of the unknown...

In the end, I came to realize that the reason I was fearful was that I was attempting to extract my self-worth from an external source. I had to change that paradigm, and learn to build my own self-worth internally, not dependent on what I did for others, or how they viewed or accepted me, or whether they were mad at me, etc. I was good enough, in and of myself, and did things for myself, to direct my own life and needs.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

ToughChoices

I was talking with my counselor about something right along these lines today - let's see if I can put it into a reasonably understandable (non-rambling) format.


I do favors for my friends. I help my family. Sometimes I lend a hand to perfect strangers. I like to help when I am able.

But.

If one of those people were to ask me to do something that made me uncomfortable or required too much sacrifice, I could say, "Sorry - I'm just not able to help with that right now," and I'd get very little (if anything) in the way of a long lecture on the extent of my selfishness and the necessity of sacrifice in a relationship.

If one of my good friends or my close family members DID express hurt or talk to me honestly about what they perceived to be selfishness on my part, I would carefully consider their opinion and determine if I had, indeed, acted callously.

My STBXAH, on the other hand, is a master manipulator. He is unwell. He is needy and immature, and he uses the typical care and consideration that I extend to those I love against me. When I refuse to do something for him - big thing or little thing - well, all H*LL breaks lose. He pouts and complains and isolates and goes on and on about how I care nothing for him, I am selfish, and he makes all the sacrifices.

(For some reference, the last time I got this accusation it was because I told him that I wouldn't stop studying, leave MY house, go to the store, buy some non-alcoholic beer, and bring it to HIS house.)

I can not give the same credence to my STBXAH's concerns that I give to my other loved ones. To do so will bring me insanity and self doubt.
He is unable to appreciate the sacrifices that I do make, and he is very willing to accuse me (in painful ways) in order to accomplish his end.

My counselor indicated that this was very typical behavior from substance abusers.

Take care.
-TC

sillysquirrel

Thank you all for shedding some insight on this. I know that I do not have to help him. However, in my idea of a good marriage, a wife would help her husband in any way she can. I feel that as his wife, I should help him. But I am so drained from helping him with everything AND trying to do my work AND taking care of the kids AND keeping up the house, etc. If it had been one of my brothers asking for help or a sister-in-law, my parents, his parents, my kids, I would have been right there to help. But, he just sucks everything out of me. I just feel like he takes advantage of me. How could he even think to ask me to get out of bed and help him after he just got home a couple of days ago from his last drinking binge. We spoke on the phone once during that binge and he admitted that since he had already started drinking, he really did not care about my feelings or the kids feelings, only about getting back to his drinking. I have known this all along but he has NEVER admitted that to me.

Anyone have any thoughts on the attorney thing? Should I talk to him about it? I don't know what I would have to gain but my Mother seems to think I should. (I think that she thinks it will straighten him out if he knew, I don't think so).

So, I don't know what to expect from him tonight after the refusal to help last night. He is working his second day this week (a pretty busy week for him) and don't know if he will be raging mad at me when he gets home or just quiet and sheepish. You just never know.

jaguarpcb

I don't think you need to tell him about the attorney. I seriously doubt it's going to cause your husband to suddenly see the light. And you haven't even decided for sure that you're leaving yet....what if you see the attorney and decide you aren't ready to leave yet....things at home will not be any easier if your husband knows you are exploring the option of getting out.

UNHAPPY777

I think that it is best that you don't tell him. First, because it wil be a wake up call for him and if he is willing to change he needs this call. But, also if you warn him then he will have the upper hand. Always keep the ball in your court because I know in the past I didn't stick by what I said an addicts play on this. If you threaten an addict you have to follow through or they will use it to their advantage later.

MeHandle

>>Anyway, I did not get up and help him and he was not happy about it. No scenes or blowups or anything, but just shocked that I wouldn't help him.>>

Most of us here can guess why he was shocked. :-) It appears you made the right decision.

>>Today, I feel bad.>>

When you made the choice was it because it was the right decision or because you 'felt' revengeful or selfish or resentful?

If yesterday your actions had to do with making the right choice then examine why you 'feel' bad today.

It doesn't change that you made a right choice.:-)

So this to shall pass.

sillysquirrel

Ok, let me word it this way...

Just because he is a piece of sh*t husband and doesn't help me out, does that justify me being a piece of sh*t wife and refusing to help him out?

I know I don't HAVE to help him. I know that. But what role do I play now in this relationship? It feels like a game where if he is crappy to me, then I am crappy back at him.

In some ways, I feel like I am resorting to his level and refusing to be an adult in this relationship simply because he is not acting like one.

Why did I not get up and help him??? Because I am sick of helping him all of the time and he never helps me. Plain and simple. Is that the right reason? I have no idea.

Barbara52

You are human! You are not Saint Theresa reincarnate! No one wants to be woken up to help someone do something they can do on their own and should have done earlier. There is nothing wrong with saying No. Were part of your reasons because you were cranky, beacuse you are fed up, because you are truly ticked off at everything sometimes? Quite probably. But so what? Again you are human and not Saint Theresa.

ToughChoices

First off - you are not a piece of sh*t. Period. Definitely not a piece of sh*t wife (you sound a bit like SuperWoman to me, really)!

Now that we have that settled.......

It is flat-out hard to be loving, giving, selfless, and kind.
And to do those things ALL THE TIME? It's impossible!
It's even more impossible when the person that you seek to love does not reciprocate that same level of respect and concern and attention.

He leaves for days at a time without saying Word One to you.
Your needs are not his concern. Your inconvenience is not his concern.

That kind of one-sided relationship is incredibly difficult to thrive in, so don't be too hard on yourself, here.

As far as your "role" in this relationship, well, there are no hard and fast rules. I find some of my STBXAH's requests reasonable and easily accomplished, and I didn't mind helping with those at all. When the requests aren't reasonable or violate my inner intuition (like, I just didn't WANT to buy him non-alcoholic beer) then I say, "No."

You'll get a feel for it - no need to play a "role".

-TC

spinner

Boy do I identify with how you feel! I just broke up with my ABF partly because I didn't like what I had become by being in the relationship.

Because he was angry I developed an anger I never knew I was capable of.

He never helped me but expected me to drop everything and help him.

Spinner

sillysquirrel

Well, I guess I just feel like I should lead by example. I expect him to respect me and help me but I flat out refused to help him. So, what reason does he have to do anything for me now?

I know I don't have to help him, have every right to refuse any request, however, I struggle with these questions.

GiveLove

So,........you were being a piece of sh*t wife? By wanting to have your own good night's sleep so you could get up and be productive in the morning? Is that what you're thinking?

Where do you draw the line, squirrel? Are you ALWAYS being a piece of sh*t whenever you put your needs & your kids' ahead of his? He would like you to believe that, and appears to have you brainwashed into believing it.

Life - and marriage - need to stay balanced. Your needs, his, and your kids' all need equal tenderness.

That you chose to give tenderness and support to yourself doesn't make you a bad person. (Not to mention that it sounds like, if you wait for HIM to give it, you will wait a long long time.) Being human means taking care of your own needs, not waiting for someone else to do it. And that INCLUDES going to bed when your body says it needs to.

Recovery programs for friends & family of alcoholics are all about UNlearning the messages that alcoholics constantly give us: that we are terrible people, terrible wives, terrible husbands if we don't sacrifice our own happiness to enable them.

Welcome.

sillysquirrel

Thank you for the SuperWoman comment. If only my hubby could say something like that to me it would make doing everything much easier. It is hard to do it all, especially when you don't get any appreciation for it. Anyway, I don't feel much like SuperWoman at all. In fact, I feel like I could snap at any given time. But somehow I carry on and make it through the day.

I can't believe how talking about these things with people who actually understand and have been where I am at has helped me over the last few days. I just registered on this site last weekend and it has really made a difference in some of my thinking.

Thank you everyone!!