Alaia

Am I enabling my exabf if I am putting money into his account while he is in re-hab? He didn't ask me to do it but I do a little here and there so he can get some food during the week. He is in a working house and doesn't have a job yet. I told him not to expect it and that he is on his own once he starts working. To make sure he was getting what he needs as well I would shop online for shampoo, ect and ship them to his house so I know what the $ was spent on. I don't send much, and he only asks if he needs a few $ to do laundry and get some groceries. As long as I keep the boundry to stop once he is working is it ok...or a bad idea? I just wasn't sure about this one. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Freedom1990

I guess I'm a little confused. Does everyone else in the working house have a job except him?

Are they expected to get a job right away? If not, do they just let the ones without a job go without food, personal hygiene products?

I'm just not familiar with the term 'working house' and exactly what that is.

Alaia

there is about 30 guys in the house. They have to find a job within 6 weeks of being there...but right now jobs are far and few in-between right now. They get dinner fed to them but are on their own for breakfast and lunch. If he doesn't have $ he can't take the bus to go on job searches, ect. they go to a career center nearby and he has been looking, and has apps everywhere. He had an interview at the movie thearter the other day but they couldn't hire him because he has a tattoo on his arm that would show in uniform. It's their policy. they wouldn't let him wear a long sleeve shirt :-(

Latte

What does the sober working house say?

timetogo

What is a sober working house? Curious!

sleepygoat

If its similar to rehab accounts, I always gave my AD cigarettes and a few dollars for the laundry machines or a soda. Never more than $10 at a time because that would be tempting for her to leave with it and go get high. as long as my kid would stay in treament i was willing to help in these ways. I'm sure there are other opinions, but it is a disease and I would do the same if she was in some rehab for, say recovery from a broken leg!! This is the same kid who stole thousands of dollars from us, but I separate what I'm willing to do if she is willing to be in treament and what I'm willing to give her when she's not (which is zero!!).

jerect

It depends on how much money you are giving him... Is there a way you can buy him a bus pass and the little things he needs rather then give him money?

laurie6781

Alaia only you can answer that. Please CHECK YOUR MOTIVES.

If it were me..........................I WOULD NOT be putting money of any amount in a recovering A's account.

A Sober REcovery House A Sober Living House. A Sober Half-way House.

Usually 2 to 4 to a bedroom, depending on size of bedrooms. Person MUST get a job, pay rent, help with chores, attend X number of meetings outside of house a week, get a sponsor, etc.

Give a person fairly new to recovery the chance to start learning, in a 'safe environment' how to handle and deal with the day to day little and big problems that occur in life.

A transistion place of residence from rehab to living in the outside world.

Love and hugs,

Alaia

I didn't ask, but that's an excellent idea. Thank you.

winnie12

Alaia - I really dont know the answer to the question but i'm glad to see you asking these questions.

Impurrfect

(((Alaia)))

When I was in county jail, my dad put money on my books for "junk food", writing paper and stamps. I didn't ask him for it, but I did appreciate it. When I was transferred to the diversion center, I did ask him for cigarettes and he bought me 3 packs. He also bought me about $10 the first time he came to visit.

We were also ordered to have a job within 30 days. I got my job within 2 weeks (times were better then) and I no longer got any money from dad.

While I totally understand why people say not to enable anyone, I think it something my dad felt he wanted to do. When my stepsister was locked up, he also put money on her books. When I got out, I paid my dad back for everything.

I have a friend in prison, and when I have a little extra money, I put money on his books. He has never, once, asked me for it, but is very appreciative. He is extremely encouraging of me, and knew me when I was using. He is also taking every course and class, he can, to better himself in prison. I do it when I can, because I care and I want him to have a little something extra...that's all. My XABF is also in jail, and asks for money...I told him to stop asking because he won't get a dime out of me. I care about him, too, but he only wants to use me to get money, and will go straight back to crack as soon as he gets out.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

barblsn

First, my husband is out on work release. He came home the day before Thanksgiving and had 6 weeks to get a job. He is almost 50. He applied everywhere, and made it a point to talk to the managers everywhere he applied. He told them the truth about his situation, and asked for a change. And someone said "yes". Just one. But that's all he needed.

Jobs are hard to get, but not impossible, especially for those who are willing to do ANYTHING to work. When my husband was out of the house, I took a 2nd job at a fast food place to make ends meet. I was amazed at how easily people would leave the job because they were asked to take their jewelry off, or trim their facial hair (um, just the guys!), or work weekends.

Next.. money. Just don't deny yourself anything to provide for him. The first time my husband was in prison, I gave him money and food packages every month. I bought him clothes, bedding, books, cigarettes, etc. And guess what; a year after his release, he was right back in. So this time, I did nothing. My thought was that perhaps I made things too comfortable for him.

So maybe not having soap, shampoo, money for McDonalds will be a good motivation for your guy to take a job.

Focus on you. He will manage. He has before.