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Former addict calling with amends

Old 01-27-2009, 12:12 AM
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Former addict calling with amends

Hello All,

When I was 18 years old I married a guy that was using and drinking but he was secretly doing this and I did not know. We parted in a terrible way, my mother had to come get me. He ended up stealing my car. I have not seen him since and that was 20 years ago. He recently found me on facebook and wants to make amends. He had a good job, family , three kids and says he doesn't use. However he commented that he had not had anything to drink in 18 years but was drinking his 3rd glass of wine.

He is apologizing for all the things he did. It brought up alot of pain and I started crying. I guess that was all so unresolved for so long and here he is. I don't know if I can trust him. He sounds very apologetic and rational. What about the stolen car issue? Any ideas would be helpful here!
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:12 AM
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Wow....what a facebook message to receive! Hmmm....he hasn't been drinking but was currently on his 3rd glass does sound a bit suspicious. I am certainly no expert but it sounds like he has relapsed and that perhaps his contact of you was fueled by alcohol.

It is hard to live through the memories of old hurts when they are things you have not thought about for a long time, I know. He is right to apologize for the pain he has caused, but I have no idea if he would be able to replace the car he stole 20 years ago. At least it may give you an opportunity for complete closure by telling him EXACTLY how you felt at that time.

However you proceed, remember that you are no longer that scared 18 yo girl. Best wishes, and huge hugs!

HG
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:17 AM
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Whoa... what a blast from the past! IMO.... accept the apology, close the chapter and move forward. Sounds like trouble just waiting to happen. Don't invite drama.
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:29 AM
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That's the danger of Facebook and some sites, people can find people who may not want to be found. Always be "internet cautious" with any personal information, no matter what site you are on.

Can you trust him? Why would you think you could or should? His actions belie his words. Does it matter anymore, anyway?

I agree with the poster above...close this chapter and don't look back, there is nothing good there for you.

Hugs
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:33 AM
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Okay Thanks for the help. I am very healthy and well and about to marry a really nice man. I thought perhaps since this was a unclosed book it might need to be closed for spiritual purposes. I had no idea a 20 year old wound would cause so much pain to come out, but can only imagine it is helpful in healing both us. I am not sure how to proceed with my behavior. I have tried to foregive him long ago. And need to forgive him now. The car....well let's say I got alot of exercise that year! Always a positive, and I am many, many cars past that that. But I did tell him I walked to work for a year or my friends had to pick me up. Yes the 3red flags were the 1)18 years of sobriety and then mention 3rd class of wine. 2) contacting me after 20 years! 3) he is writing his memories and somewhere he mentioned that the sex was great...which I found offensive. I set clear boundaries about that right away. He is in his 3rd marriage.


So should I tell him about my pain without being a jerk ...try to detach? And he says he has alot of other things he would like to apologize about. Thus far it has been email but I would like to hear him apologize on the phone.

Thank you and Kisses, J
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Old 01-27-2009, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Uplate View Post
Okay Thanks for the help. I am very healthy and well and about to marry a really nice man. I thought perhaps since this was a unclosed book it might need to be closed for spiritual purposes. I had no idea a 20 year old wound would cause so much pain to come out, but can only imagine it is helpful in healing both us. I am not sure how to proceed with my behavior. I have tried to foregive him long ago. And need to forgive him now. The car....well let's say I got alot of exercise that year! Always a positive, and I am many, many cars past that that. But I did tell him I walked to work for a year or my friends had to pick me up. Yes the 3red flags were the 1)18 years of sobriety and then mention 3rd class of wine. 2) contacting me after 20 years! 3) he is writing his memories and somewhere he mentioned that the sex was great...which I found offensive. I set clear boundaries about that right away. He is in his 3rd marriage.


So should I tell him about my pain without being a jerk ...try to detach? And he says he has alot of other things he would like to apologize about. Thus far it has been email but I would like to hear him apologize on the phone.

Thank you and Kisses, J
I'll apologize right off if I come off here being a bit rough.

My question is why? Why would you want to bring up this drama from the past? What's in it for you?

There are all kinds of red flags here, on his side and yours that I see. If you are happy and healthy and married to a nice man, why would you want to talk to this guy? He's on his 3rd marriage, 3 drink and a A. To me these are not amends being made from a person who is solid in their recovery.

I'd be blocking this guy's email and doing some work on myself.
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Old 01-27-2009, 06:06 AM
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So should I tell him about my pain without being a jerk ...try to detach? And he says he has alot of other things he would like to apologize about. Thus far it has been email but I would like to hear him apologize on the phone.
I wouldn't say anything further to this guy, you don't owe him anything at all.

There could be a million reasons why he is trying to make amends to you..1. he could be working the steps with a sponsor and making amends is part of his step work..(though the third glass of red wine strikes me as a little odd, perhaps he is on the wine maintenance program, a lot of misinformed addicts think that they can still drink occasionally and still consider themselves clean since they are not using drugs) 2. He could have been drunk and maybe the memories of the past brought up a lot of guilt and shame and he thought he would make some amends..

In any case, what does it matter why he contacted you... when he contacted you he disrupted your life and your serenity.

I agree with the others, close this book and move forward... If you feel like you need to forgive him you can but you don't have to do this by having communication with him.. you can do this by writing a letter and then burning it when you are done... forgiveness is a gift for you not for him..

It sounds like that you are in a good place in your life and are very happy... further contact with this guy could cause a lot of problems in your relationship with the guy you are about to marry and make your life a lot more complicated then need be..
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Old 01-27-2009, 06:12 AM
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So should I tell him about my pain without being a jerk ...try to detach? And he says he has alot of other things he would like to apologize about. Thus far it has been email but I would like to hear him apologize on the phone.
And this would make your life better because...?

If you need to do more work on healing this wound, then perhaps professional counseling would be a healthier choice than trying to deal with a person who is not stable.

The sooner you walk from this, do what you need to do to heal from it, and get that man out of your life, the better off you will be.

Or you can do it the hard and painful way...you won't be the first, nor the last to just keep doing what is causing you pain.

Please know that although this may sound harsh, it is said with love in my heart because I know how blurred everything can become when the waves of codependency strike.

Hugs
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:19 AM
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From experience you dont want the old addict back in your life and you def dont want him to have your phone number. If he is drinking then you know he's not sober so what posible benefit could there be - sounds more like he's looking up old flames.

My personal experience is sometimes it better to forgive those who have done you wrong without them asking for it - without them even knowing. I know, it sounds odd and its very hard but if you can find it within yourself to forgive him and let go of the pain then its more healing then hearing the words from him. I try to forgive others so that I can be free of the pain not to make them feel better. It keeps me from becomming bitter. When we need them to apologize and we need to tell them of the pain they caused - usually its becuase we are harboring a need for revenge - we want them to hurt too. i agree with others that counseling sounds alot more healthy then talking to him. again - do not let him have your phone number - your opening pandora's box with that - sounds like he has a lot more drama going on then he is indicating in his messages.
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:29 AM
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Forgiveness of others and our healing has to come from within.

You've already seen red flags.

You're going to open up a whole can of worms, and possibly a nightmare you never imagined if you pursue this any further, especially if you give him your phone number.

My EXAH did horrible things to me, and never once did I get any sort of amends. He was buried at the age of 47 in May 0f 2007 from complications due to AIDS.

I did not need amends from him to find forgiveness within myself and move on with my life.
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Old 01-27-2009, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Uplate View Post
3) he is writing his memories and somewhere he mentioned that the sex was great...which I found offensive. I set clear boundaries about that right away. He is in his 3rd marriage.
This is really bad.
Sounds to me like he wants to get out of his 3rd marriage.
Why would he bring up, even in passing, that ya'll had great sex?

Well, nevermind, I can answer that. There IS no good reason to bring that up.

It's actually kind of disturbing. It's a clear sign that he is harboring old feelings for you and that there is a problem in his current sexual relationship.

It would be a really bad idea to give him your phone number or to continue having contact with him. If he has balls enough to bring this up in his 1st or 2nd message with you in 20 years, then, trust me (from experience), it's only going to escalate from there.
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:04 PM
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Okay concerning the amends.... I have been speaking with a Alanon sponsor. This is what I wrote him:

I have noticed your remorse and self loathing concerning your past with me. I talked with a Alanon sponsor about the best way to handle the 1988 stolen Vehicle. I do not remember the exact cost of the vehicle but do believe it was about $5,000. We should split the difference and I am asking that you donate $2,500 to a charity of your choice in my name. As you make the donation or donations to equal the total amount, you should send the receipt to me in the post. I am assuming
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:06 PM
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This was his response: (Quess we are clear now about his recovery)

I've tried to respond to this about 3 or 4 different times, started to compose a reply, then discarded it. I am really at a loss for words to try and directly address anything you've said, only to say that it's very presumptuous, almost to the point of arrogance, that you and an alanon counselor would decide any type of retribution I might owe you or anyone for anything I may or may not have done in my past. My intention in reaching out was to express tell you I was sorry for how I treated you as a wife and person. That's it. I am sorry about all of this.
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:21 PM
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Sometimes I think Face book should be re-named snake book!!

Since I joined the amount of men who I knew from school etc, who have started off with 'hi how are you?' which then progresses to 'I can come to your house and have sex with you, but don't expect me to marry you!' is unbelievabe.

There are some shallow, nasty, self centered, all about me people out there who often disguise themselves as old friends in my opinion.

Now I can humour them, but flipping heck, some men (and there must be women) have really high opinions of themselves!!!
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:54 PM
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Yes at first I thought it was all fun but now it seems a bit voyeristic.
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:13 PM
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Oh I really agree.

I had one guy who started off friendly and then his e-mails became very sexual. He kept saying I can come round and have sex with you, but don't expect me to marry you, I have a gorgeous girlffriend and I need her to buy into my properties so I do not loose them!!!

I was like

1. I do not want to sleep with you, it was your idea not mine
2. You are not welcome at my house do not invite yourself!
3. You must have a really high opinion of yourself to tell me that you would come round, do me and keep me secret!
4. I am not that desperate thanks!
5. Who the hell do you think you are?
6. I actually do not want to marry anyone, least of all you!

Don't let him make you feel bad! What an absoulte [email protected] He does not deserve your forgiveness yet and you should make him feel bad until he 'gets it' as he obviousley has not yet.

God I could scream at how self centered some people are.

Best wishes

Kisses

B
xxxx
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