Callie

I have no words right now. My BFF, my parents and my kids are writing letters,(at my request) They will have a HUGE impact because they've not spoken with him in months, but I feel like I've said it all. I'm going to scan the kid's letters. DS(8) said he doesn't want to write a letter. He feels that if he doesn't say anything that it's saying more than a letter. I said that's fine. Whatever you feel or want I will stand behind. My parents are writing a letter as is my bff/his friend and my sis but from my perspective as the addict's wife/mother of his kids --they are basically telling it like it is but saying we're all rooting for him etc etc etc I just have nothing to say because I've told him it all through the last 10 months. He KNOWS how I feel

Do I come up with something or just speak S I L E N C E? I want to have an impact, but if I were to speak my mind it would be an entire book and probably be bit#$ing because I've had so much. I don't want to bit%^. I want to have an IMPACT. The kids/family will get him, but it's ME he's waiting for. Any suggestions??

From my perspective...I want a divorce/dissolution, but also want to have him well...I will do whatever it takes to make him well, but I am done as his wife. I'm not done as a person who will do their best to get him well. He's about 5 days into detox. I don't want to enable, I want to impact and want ensure his recovery. I have to have this done by the weekend. I feel that if I send emails from my kids, my parents , my bff that that will be HUGE. He's heard it all from me before - but NOT from them. should I rethink/rehash it all? and put it into an email again or just keep it simple and straight.

I want to hit him hard with what he's done. BUT again - he's heard it all from me before. Should I keep it to a minumim from me? His counselor says he wants to know "how addiction has affected me and OUR life. That seriously would take a book. I can do a book if it would help him, but I want to make an impact and I am wondering if less is more. He KNOWS how I feel, so what do I say????

Thanks guys - we're on day 5 he likes it there - that's HUGE for us/him I'm just not sure how to handle this....

Ann

Aw, Callie, I hear the pain and strain in your words and am sending big hugs.

Nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say, will "make" him well. Nothing will "ensure" his recovery. Only he can do that, regardless of anything you do or don't do. If love could "ensure" their recovery, not one of us would be here.

My thoughts are that writing these letters (or choosing not to ) should come from each of you and your hearts and what feels right for you. Trust me, he knows that addiction is a family disease and that he has hurt many people.

If writing pages would make you feel better, then go ahead. If you'd prefer to make it short and sweet, then perhaps say something as simple as "addiction has destroyed this family and I can no longer allow it in my life" (but in your own words of course).

Something that may help you and your family, would be to find yourself a meeting and go surround yourself with support while you learn to work a program that will help you heal from these wounds. Naranon, Alanon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have had a huge impact on many of us here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs

catlovermi

Seems to me, that boils it down to bare truth, which would have an impact. WHAT impact, we don't know, but that's up to HIM. (Any more words are just details, more of the same.)

CLMI

winnie12

This is somewhere that i'm not sure if i'm actually right but do want to offer a personal opinion. i see the counselors as trying to help them not us - that's their job and its understandable. Whereas these recovery activities might help him that doesnt mean its the best thing for us. In my situation my daughter and I both felt that AS always got all the attention - everything was done for his good - everything was centered around him - without any regard for what was best for us or what we were ready for. Why am I writing a letter - for me it would have helped more to get a letter from him. But whether we were ready or not we had to do it. If it were me, and again I could be wrong, and i werent ready for this step then I think I would just say so. There's a lot I want to tell my son - so much that i've said already but he didnt hear me when i said it - to him it was just nagging. other things he doesnt remember or cant see through his selfish eyes right now. I decided to just write it down for myself if/when he is ready to have a real discussion then i'll tell him what i want to.

A few months ago when my son was in jail, I was getting pressure and guilt to go visit him on Thanksgiving but I wasnt ready. My dad and I were talking and I told him that at this stage in my life if I dont want to do something, I'm just not going to do it. He laughed so hard and said, now your getting it.

So Callie IMHO i would say do what YOU want to do and what makes YOU feel better. If you dont want to do this then just say No.

incitingsilence

Only he can ensure his recovery….

I always get stuck in that what we allowed….

HE is on 5 days, this is huge for HIM. Remember we don’t get to gauge our lives based on what those around are doing…our level of peace, our happiness is not contingent upon anyone but us…

Work on you, just you…

I am so not sure about any letter at this time, and I agree with cynical one this is really strange….In most cases the family isn’t even allowed interaction until they participate in family sessions…

And most, hell all addicts who work a program, no matter what the program is will make amends…and guess what there are many family members that need to make some amends as well.

You are only a victim once, after that and especially after being told what we need to do for ourselves and dismissing us as not important, cause look at them, they are sick, they need our help, are the problem…see now we are willing participants.

Serenity Bound

Callie, I believe that you should do what YOU feel is best for YOU!! If writing a letter will have a positive effect on you, (perhaps getting your feelings out, so that you can heal) then do it, if not, I wouldn't bother. IMO He knows what he's done, and at only 5 days, I really don't think a letter will make any difference one way or the other.

Hugs,
Chris

Freedom1990

Where is your higher power in all this? Reread what I have quoted from you above.

You can't make him well.

You can't get him well.

What is your reason for hitting him hard for what he's done?



Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He is my friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried
"How could you be so slow?!?"
"My child," he said. "What could I do?
You never did let go."

NoelleR

"...His counselor says he wants to know "how addiction has affected me and OUR life..."

I found this particularly interesting, but which 'he'? 'He' the counselor, or 'he' the H ... wants to know.....Besides, if they don't already know, no amount of writing will ever get through.

Like others have said......do this for you, or don't do this for you; whichever feels right at the time. I've found that writing this stuff all out can be very cathartic and healing, but only for me; I needed to heal, and this was a good tool for me. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't make any kind of impact on the A.

...and regarding the timing of this request---only 5 days in. Perhaps the counselor wants to get a picture of the family dynamic 'now' and won't be sharing this with the A at the present time, and may even have similar requests in the future as the recovery journey gets under way.....but then, I could be totally off the wall here too. I'm not too familiar with treatment center processes and counselors; most of my recovery friends used only AA/NA Alanon/Naranon.....

Here's wishing you and yours all the best, Callie, whatever you decide.

NoelleR

Freedom1990

I think the other option was discussed in a prior post too.

Leave the 'recovery' process up to him and the staff and make it clear you won't be participating, period, not even in writing impact letters.

hello-kitty

I cant' believe that you and the children are being sucked back into this again. Don't ever forget that NO is a complete sentence. You CAN stay out of his recovery. You CAN stop trying to help him and let him help himself this time. That MIGHT make all the difference in the world for you, your children and him. But if nothing changes nothing changes.

I think NOT sending letters to the counselor would send a really big statement of how his addiction had affected your life. The statement would be:

Youre on your own this time buddy.

Chino

The only reason I can think of to write a letter for him is because he was always wasted when you spoke your mind before. My daughter let me know during rehab that anything I said while she was using never made it in one ear, let alone out the other. Just like with them, my actions spoke louder than words.

It was three weeks into rehab when I got to say it all again, but this time my thoughts and words were different, more clearly defined. That's because I was hard at work on myself with her being gone. She was detoxed from substances and I was detoxed from drama. It allowed both of us to experience clarity.

I'm with the general consensus - don't write anything unless you want and need to. If you're unsure now or adamantly opposed to it, let them know that. You can always tell them it compromises your serenity and to please respect your wishes.

Kallista

What would be best for you?

Forget what would be best for him. Would it take something off your shoulders if you laid it all out like that? Would you feel better if you kept your silence?

What's best for you?

Callie

Wow, varying opinions here I guess. His counselor called me yesterday and said that AH is one of the worst he's seen. I didn't even think of it as "being sucked back in." I guess it is though. I think AH was so high all of the time that maybe hearing the words sober as opposed to high might make a difference. I also think they are very aware that AH is at risk for leaving so maybe words from home might make him rethink things.

In reality I've been kind of a mess since yesterday because of his mom calling, his counselor calling, his dad calling and today AH called because there is a possible problem with insurance. I pray that everything is ok with insurance. AH does not remember the whole Walmart fiasco and was asking me to verify what happened. He doesn't' even remember being in jail for 4 hours.

I guess initially when the counselor called I was fine with writing a letter and truthfully I thought it might be HELPFUL for the kids to write a letter. I never thought of it as harmful to write one for myself or them. I will say that his counselor is not yet aware that I'm wanting a dissolution, in truth AH is not aware of it either. I'm sure he assumes it because we've talked about it alot lately, but that's it. I have not spoken with the counselor more than 10 minutes total and not really about AH or the condition he's in.

I'll try to get myself calmed down here and figure out what to do. Just feeling really flighty and anxious since hearing from him. It's an all to normal feeling for me lately.

outtolunch

Oh my. So many monkeys and everyone is trying so hard to attach them to your back.

Your AH is not the first or last person in rehab to encounter problems with an insurance company. Why not let him and the rehab deal with it? In other words, do not do for him, what he can do for himself and he can certainly do this.Get this monkey off your back.

As for the letter.....sounds like the counselor is hoping to make an impression on him. And so maybe this is a good time to let him know the marriage is over and you wish him well. Involving young children in this, is, I think, way out of bounds.

Freedom1990

Just an afterthought here, and from the other side of the fence as a recovering addict.

When I went to rehab, there were no impact letters. The only 'support' I got was one brief visit from my parents for a family session (1 hour), and they were so uncomfortable, they never came back.

My then AH had gone back to using and drinking shortly after he got out of rehab.

His only 'support' was to actually drive me to rehab that fateful day (which was definitely a God thing and a miracle-one day of perfectly lucid and sane behavior from him). Then he showed up unannounced at rehab a time later, and they had to call the cops because he was there to drag me out and back home.

I don't know what their definition is of 'the worst' they've ever seen at this rehab your AH is in.

I am 6' tall and I weighed 109 pounds. I was pregnant. I had blown out all the veins in my arms from using drugs IV. I was so weak I couldn't hold my head up for long. I had completely given up on living.

I wanted to run so bad about a week into rehab, but something kept me there. What it was I don't know other than God working in my life.

No impact letters. No one taking care of insurance. No spousal 'support' of any kind.

In spite of that, here I sit with 18 1/2 years clean/sober.

Why? I wanted recovery more than anything else.

Till an addict embraces that concept, no rehab, no amount of impact letters, no matter how good the rehab staff is, that addict will not stay clean.

outonalimb

Callie...

Nothing you do or say will make a difference in his recovery. NOTHING You aren't that powerful...and thats a GOOD thing...not a bad thing but do you really know and accept this???

This letter sounds like more of the 'codependent dance' to me.

There is nothing you can do or say to make him stay in the rehab facility and really want recovery. Nothing. If writing the letter makes you feel better, I say go for it but be careful...what would your motives be for doing it? Would it be to influence his behavior? If so, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're just getting sucked back in and continuing the dance you've been doing with him for how long now?

And the very idea that a counselor would try to draw kids into this type of situation really bothers me. They shouldn't have to do this...they should get to work their feelings out at their own pace and in their own time.

Try to focus on whats good for you and let your AH figure out where he needs to go from here. In time, you'll know exactly which direction he is headed in.

Callie

Thanks Freedom for sharing your story. AH of course wants out right now, but knows he has to stay there, wants to use right now, but can't. Has a really bad attitude right now. He knows this, admits this etc. I guess hearing all of this on top of the insurance thing has me in knots. If insurance won't cover it, he'll have to leave. If he leaves, his next step is a coffin. I asked if he knew that, he said he was ready. Nice

I'm not sure how common his feelings are with others in rehab and for his sake I hope his attitude turns around.

Freedom1990

It's very common for an addict to want to run once they are in there and reality starts to set in, Callie.

The ONLY reason my EXAH didn't run when he was in rehab is because he was on parole, the rehab was court-ordered, and if he left, he would go back to the penitentiary.

Try turning it all over to God, including the insurance thing. God's got really big shoulders, and I've found he's done wondrous things in my life when I got out of the way and allowed him to do his work.

hello-kitty

Detach... let go and let god. Is there anything you should be doing right now? Are you still planning on a disolution? Have you let all that go because one again your AH decided he was going to go to rehab because he had no other option? And now he has a bad attitude again?

I see a pattern here. Do you?

CAPTAINZING2000

I come in here from the AA part of recovery

I've been to a few meetings that, had AA and Al Anon

Alkies and druggies don't look outside the box until, they finally get their act cleaned up and get some good recovery .

We go around people's lives like a tornado wrecking everything in our path and we don't even notice the damage we cause.


I've often thought, letters like you just posted should be placed where every one of us selfish and sick people can read it.


Praying what ever you write leaves an impact :praying

hugs

Chris