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AH's counselor wants me to write a letter about how addiction has affected our lives.

Old 01-30-2009, 01:00 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Callie, I like the videos. I ask the Lord to get rid of the demons that are so wanting to keep your AH. It really is a fight, but all the Lord has to do is step in and protect him, your AH also needs to call on him. Keep your faith, and He will see you through.
I ask Him to show you something specific in this situation, and give you words to speak when you need to speak them.

Hold on to the Lord, be still, and he will show you the way you should go.

Huggs,
NH7
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:15 PM
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Thank you guys. I'm a nervous wreck right now because I'm not sure I even have insurance now. If I don't AH has to leave rehab, also they're telling me that insurance was discontinued as of 11-30-08. WTF???? Which means that ds's eye surgery in december wouldn't be covered. I cannot afford to pay that. I paid the Cobra when I got the bill. In reality AH has paid NONE of his bills and I knew NOTHING about any of this. His very stupid MOM had a letter in there STATING that as of 1-20-09 Cobra was discontinued/terminated ie. no insurance. AH has been out of his mind for the last 2 weeks. His mom's been opening his mail and NOT EVEN TELLING ME ABOUT THE INSURANCE THAT *I* have been paying - not only for AH but for ds. I could strangle her right now for being so stupid. Forget about the [email protected] cc bill that's late, this is OUR FAMILY'S INSURANCE! Ultimately it's Ah's fault, but wouldn't someone with any kind of brain at least let me KNOW this??

Apparantly the rehab has an authorization # where insurance approved the rehab initially. But when the nurse called today there was a problem. I have a call into AH about what he's found out, but I am beside myself here. I cannot pay for ds's eye surgery and certainly can't afford a $50k rehab for AH.
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:32 PM
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Deep deep breaths, Callie. You have a roof over your head today, no? There's food to eat, clean clothes, beds to sleep in? Focus on the moment right in front of you.

You're running wild with the unknowns and what ifs right now and driving yourself crazy.

Deep breaths, deep deep breaths. :ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:38 PM
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Callie if you're fighting tears I pray you will let them fall.
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Old 01-30-2009, 01:54 PM
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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about all that you are going through, and don't have anything else to offer except that I am sending you hugs and good wishes! Hang in there!

Hugs, HG
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Old 01-30-2009, 03:05 PM
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Breath! Keep moving forward with the things you can control and let go of the things you can't.

You can control: What you do now

You can't control: The past, the future, what your husband has done, is doing or will do.

What is the next wise choice Callie?
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Old 02-02-2009, 09:01 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Please say a prayer that insurance goes through for AH's rehab. He'll have to leave if it doesn't.


Also, I have to get this off my chest ... vent follows...
I'd found out via AH that his MOM has been funding his heroin habit basically the whole time. She swore she wasn't giving him $, but she was and borrowed $ from her family for him as well. I'd asked AH the other day when he called from rehab where he was getting the $. He said "Callie, mom did everything but stick the needle in my arm." He wasn't saying it hatefully, but said it. He doesn't remember the Walmart incident or much of anything from the last 2 weeks. Apparantly when he was @ his mom's he was out of it most of the time and she never said a word about him being so out of it. He was NEVER this way around me. She'd come home from work, he'd be sick, he'd ask her for $, she'd say "I know what you're doing", she'd give him $ he'd go get his stuff.

Of course you guys KNOW that I can't leave that one go. I call his mom and told her that I knew the truth, thought that was pathetic, asked her what kind of mother would knowingly do this etc. She said well I love him, I said that's not love. She said well I didn't want him sick (WTF???) I said sick is a good thing, it means he's getting WELL! I said love is chicken noodle soup, a warm blanket and words of encouragement. NOT funding a heroin habit. She hung up on me. I know it won't make a bit of difference with her, but I feel better getting it off of my chest. She's been giving him $ and taking it from her dd because she can't pay her bills. How pathetic is that.

I know, I know I needed to just "let it go". I can now, but not without telling her off first. Please, if you could just say a prayer that our insurance goes through I would be very grateful.
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Old 02-02-2009, 09:12 AM
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BTW - I did write a short letter. The kids did not, I didn't give them the option.
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Old 02-02-2009, 09:28 AM
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Your husband's mom helped support his habit? Isn't that a kick in the head

Just remember one thing, they can't eat you and if, they take you to court over payment, they can't get a judgment against for more then you can afford to pay.

Hugs

praying you'll get thru this ok
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Old 02-02-2009, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i thought rehab was the bright idea of his mom and dad? dad was coughing up $$ etc.....? .
His mom has NO clue about anything. Dumber than a box of rocks. His dad and I are on the same page and he did cough up the $2500. AH is actually on the same page WITH us when he's not high as a kite.

The thing that irks me is that she lied to SIL and I about all of this. AND had SIL paying HER bills because she didn't have the $$ because she was giving it all away to him. She is a pathetic human being as far as I'm concerned right now. SHE is also the cause of the insurance problem. AH has been so out of it. She's been opening his mail and not forwarding ANY of it to me. Ultimately it's AH's fault for all of this, but if she's going to allow AH to be wacked out AND FUND IT, under her roof and "pretend" like he's doing ok, she's got it covered than at least freaking COVER it when it comes to insurance, for HIM and for the kids and I.
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
SHE isn't the bad guy here. saying this gently, but ya'll had a hand in enabling AH's drug use, to some degree, and for extensive lengths of time.

so back to the question, what do YOU need to do for YOU, what is the most critical option that does NOT involve THEM?
He is the #1 bad guy, she is his sidekick. Really, what MOTHER would do that???? That's just sick. What I need to do for me is DISTANCE myself from her AND from him. I have an appt with a lawyer on Thurs. and another next week. I'm proceeding, but I'm still PO'd at all of the lies. HER lies. ESPECIALLY her because WHAT kind of mother does this for their child and calls it LOVE?? HE was high when he lied, SHE was not. Again, my venom is directed at BOTH of them. BTW - I know that I need to release this hatred instead of holding on to it. I'm not sure if I don't know how or if I'm just ready to release it. Any suggestions??

You might as well let this go Anvil, because the fighter in me WILL NOT let her lazy a$$ off the hook on this one. (this is said out of love for you girl and thanks for being there:ghug3.)
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:53 PM
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Well

a word of advice, try to remain civil for your kids sake, with your husband and his family.

Take the high road
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:58 PM
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Thanks captain - I'm AM doing my BEST in taking the high road, but secretly throwing sucker punches at them when I can. (not right, I know - I just cannot let her NOT know that I know what she's done). I KNOW that I am better than this and need to remove myself from their toxicity.
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:22 PM
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The one thing I truly do wish for you Callie is that you never ever experience a child in active addiction.

I used to be the worst critic of other parents who had kids in active addiction.

The painful eye-opener for me to why they did what they did was finally to experience an addicted child of my own.
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
The one thing I truly do wish for you Callie is that you never ever experience a child in active addiction.

I used to be the worst critic of other parents who had kids in active addiction.

The painful eye-opener for me to why they did what they did was finally to experience an addicted child of my own.
Freedom, I think you'd have to run me over dead before I'd EVER provide drugs for and lie for my addicted child when their recovery and LIFE was at stake. I know first hand that it's all easier said than done and if I were in this or that sitch I'd have done this or that. But to LIE and PROVIDE DRUGS for your AS? Would you really have done that? I may be treading on dangerous ground as far as my credibility here, but no way in he(( would I have done what she did.

No hard feelings here, but nobody can convince me otherwise about her part in this. Thanks for listening guys.
I don't know - I have kids of my own and I fiercely PROTECT them from this, not put it right in their lap and do everything but shoot it in their arm I'd probably just better end this thread, because my AH did use under my nose, but at least he lied about it well enough that I believed it. (my own stupidity). She flat out said "I know what you're doing, or I can't tell him no or I don't want to see him sick." She didn't believe it, but still provided for him, lied about it. Meanwhile her 38 year old son was arrested in walmart attacking a bag of lays potato chips with a plastic baseball bat.

Really, if there is anything negative that people have to say, just skip over this thread. I will NOT back down in the fact that his own mother was completely wrong and chose to look the other way. She's failed HIM, his sister and myself continuously throughout the years. You're just getting a piece of what she's done in the name of motherhood and "love" for her kids.
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:57 PM
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BTW - the day before rehab, AH says he shot 6 grams of heroin and took multitudes of xanax/valium. 6 grams would kill most people from what I hear. He got the $ from his mom and upgraded to a big needle so he could get more heroin in. The rehab says he's the worst they've ever seen. He thought he'd never wake up. He did. Who funded it? Mommy.

His aunt hadn't seen him for months, stopped down that day and called his dad (her brother) begging him to do something. She said he'll be dead in a week if someone doesn't do something. Ever since then MIL has called the entire family and enlisting in their sympathy.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
I will NOT back down in the fact that his own mother was completely wrong and chose to look the other way. She's failed HIM, his sister and myself continuously throughout the years. You're just getting a piece of what she's done in the name of motherhood and "love" for her kids.
Then by all means continue with what you're doing and I shall completely butt out.

You have the right to remain as angry and bitter as you are for as long as you want.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:32 PM
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Callie, There but for the Grace of God go I. I used to be very critical of other mothers until I had a child who was an addict. It is easy for you to say that you would not provide drugs for your child, but when it is your child in pain, your child begging for your help, your child with the big crocodile tears, it is not so easy to say no. The money I gave my daughter to help with her bills or to bail her out of a bad situation just made it that much more easier for her to use. At the time did I think that I was hurting her. No way, I thought that I was saving her. You have enabled your husband's behavior. His mom has enabled his behavior. It is one and the same thing. You turning your hatred toward her is just playing right into your husband's hands. It is taking the focus off from him and putting it on her. Your husband says that his mom did everything but put the needle in his arm. Give me a break. Where is his responsibility in this. I am sure that he begged and begged and wore her down until she gave him money to shut him up. You forget that she does not have a program of recovery. I hope that you will put the focus back on you and let your AH sit in the mess that HE has made of his life. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:39 PM
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Thank you everyone. AH and Freedom I sent you PM's. I can take the 2x4's, but just need to understand them. I just don't understand the 2x4's right now or how I am the one wrong. I know that I cannot hold onto this bitterness/blame forever. It only consumes me and makes my life worse. I don't know if I don't know HOW to let it go - or if I'm not ready to let it go. In reality he's had a shi%%y mother all along. But he's a 38 year old man who had a choice to rise above his childhood. Apparantly he's not chosen that path. I'm pi$$ed off that he's choosing the same route that his dad took. Abandoning his kids. We worked and fought HARD to have kids and I'm left as a single parent.

I'm sitting here in tears right now, just so mad, angry, hurt and bitter. Because of all of this. All of this AH created - I know this. IRL I'm letting him "off the hook" for the last few months because he was blitzed out of his mind. I am not yet able to let his mom off of the hook because in a sense she had "control" of the situation. IRL she did not and now my AH may be kicked out of rehab and we may be without insurance because SHE opened his mail and didn't deem the insurance termination letter as worthy enough to let me know. I'm pi$$ed off because SHe knew of his blitzed out behavior and lied about it all. I'm pi$$ed off because SHE funded his addiction and lied about it.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
Thank you guys. I'm a nervous wreck right now because I'm not sure I even have insurance now. If I don't AH has to leave rehab, also they're telling me that insurance was discontinued as of 11-30-08. WTF???? Which means that ds's eye surgery in december wouldn't be covered. I cannot afford to pay that. I paid the Cobra when I got the bill. In reality AH has paid NONE of his bills and I knew NOTHING about any of this. His very stupid MOM had a letter in there STATING that as of 1-20-09 Cobra was discontinued/terminated ie. no insurance. AH has been out of his mind for the last 2 weeks. His mom's been opening his mail and NOT EVEN TELLING ME ABOUT THE INSURANCE THAT *I* have been paying - not only for AH but for ds. I could strangle her right now for being so stupid. Forget about the [email protected] cc bill that's late, this is OUR FAMILY'S INSURANCE! Ultimately it's Ah's fault, but wouldn't someone with any kind of brain at least let me KNOW this??

Apparantly the rehab has an authorization # where insurance approved the rehab initially. But when the nurse called today there was a problem. I have a call into AH about what he's found out, but I am beside myself here. I cannot pay for ds's eye surgery and certainly can't afford a $50k rehab for AH.

Callie…you need to think of what’s at stake here? U said earlier that the marriage was over either way. So, I guess I am having a hard time understanding why you are letting your self be manipulated and getting frantic.
His mom, him, look no matter what as others have said if HE does not want to be well he won’t, if he stays great, if he doesn’t you are out of there I take it ? So either way, you appear to have the choice made already and as the outcome is and always was out of your hands….well?

You need to start planning and working on you, what you will do, what you need to do what you kids need.

I didn’t realize till much later into my sobriety how I manipulated the people that loved me most.
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