Why I started going to al-anon meetings and reading here
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Why I started going to al-anon meetings and reading here
I sought support for myself at al-anon the week I told my AH I was going to get a divorce. I knew I would need it , because as I predicated my AH took a turn for the worst and I know it would be healthy to have the right support system in place. I added this website as it will be a support from people who understand,( with the power of volume) and reading their (yours) journey and doing the steps creates a system of checks and balances for the journey ahead of me. However,it was reading threads from this site that I googled from the A forum that gave me more and more strength to stand on my conviction. The RAs were telling the "faking" RA he needed to go out and drink some more because he obviously hadn't had enough yet no matter what he said as he was still drinking his vodka. I know mine isn't done drinking and he refuses to get help for all the childhood issues he is holding onto too.
Being that I grew up with an A sister, who herself during clean periods was a sponser and a director of a recovery home, I am very familiar with the programs available .
The first al-anon meeting I went to the leader did not show up. Didn't go back.At the second I shared I was married to an AH and was getting a divorce and was told as a co-depentent the program suggest I shouldn't make any major changes for 6 months. When did I say I was co-dependent? I tried to explain to the young leader I made my decision already and came to al-anon for support because of my decision, to submit myself to the program as someone relationally effected who wanted to make sure i stayed healthy and sane through this journey.Didn't go back. The third meeting i tried was well lead but everyone in the group was a parent living with an adult addict or a spouse not looking ahead to divorce, and the focus again was being codepentent so it just wasn't where i wanted to be. Then I went to #4, it was my churches 12 step, it was an open meeting covering the specturm of the groups. There was no one on the panel representing the relationally affected unless they were addicts or co-dependent. So I asked my question. "Am i welcome here if i am only relationally affected as I am married to an A." It actually got quiet and the first co-dependent panel member spoke up and basically stated I would come to see i was co-dependent. I just said thank you and i disagreed. Then another panel member spoke up and said," Yes, you are. We do not believe that everyone who is married to an A is therefore CD." So this is where i stayed and it was into her group i went and asked her to be my sponser. She herself and others in the group are going through divorce. She to was wary of me , but as she got to know me she said," It sounds like you have been working a program." I told here yes, from the bigger book since i was 23, but right now I need people to talk with who specifically understand this issue. As she got to know me even better she shared that she does not see me as co-dependent. It happens that now she trusts me to be one of her safe supports too. In my head I still say, when did al-anon become CDA?
So now i am here as a member and reading the journeys keeps me focused. And reading the responses , challenges, advice keeps me focused on my goal. It also helps to keep my behavior in check as me and the AH are in the same house with 3 of our sons. My mother 76 also live with us.
So here is where i am at today:
We are in the same house in seperate bedrooms. I am presently looking for a job so I can move forward with the divorce. I need to make money and have benefits. As soon as my AH is out, which will be upon me getting a job, i will have to rent a room or 2 to be able to cover the bills until the house is sold.( Unless it works out that I don't have to sell and like living with renters.) I have never had to search for a job this long and have never sent out so many apps. *40-female-no job-older kids* So I spend my time on this computer filling out more and more apps, and as of recently taking breaks to read this website. I have one major goal right now and it is to get a job so I can proceed with divorce. (Well, i have been doing more reading then apps this past week :-)
When my AH comes out of his bedroom to share his depressed funk with me and states he can't take this anymore, I kindly tell him he is free to leave whenever he wants, that no one is keeping him where he doesn't want to be and I will put the bills on a credit card if i have to until i get a job. Then he goes into the " What are you going to do Tammy?" Of which my response is ," We have discussed this already, you know the answer."( His question is this really :Are you going to divorce me, when, how are you gonna pay the bills, nothing matters anymore to me then, your my only hope) The kids just detach from him when he enters their space and we can tell he has been drinking. They respectfully respond to him when he hasn't. Pretty soon he just goes away to is bedroom and sleeps. If he doesn't and starts acting up, we leave.
You see before i asked for the divorce he didn't act up. He isolated , avoided and went to bed early. On the weekends he cleaned in the middle of the night (AKA stayed up and drank) and took a lot of naps all weekend long. Me and the kids did our thing. But being I became vulnerable to being a married woman who was like a single with kids I had had enough. When I asked for the divorce he "changed" his common behavior for an 8 week show. Then he hit a 4 week depression that put him back in the bedroom with an occasional show. Then I gave him a chance, told him I would put divorce in my head and relapse wasn't an option. Last 16 days,relapsed, then lasted a few days and relapsed. Put on a show for about a week again. Presently he is back to the way he was before i asked for the divorce but gives us a show of his emotions once in awhile.
The thing that sucks right now though is no money. We can't just escape and run out to the movie.
Anyway, I am going out when i can, doing a lot more laundry then i use to, doing a few cleaning jobs,playing on the computer and filling out job apps, caring for the household and trying to be patient instead of anxious while waiting on a job. ANd dealing with 3 teenage boys, but i love teenagers. Lots of teenage boys through my house. My soon to be 21 year old daughter is married and her and hubby are away at college. Her on a swimming scholarship, him partial tennis.
My 55 year old sister gets out of prison in May. So......I will drop in a thread about that if needed.
tammy
Being that I grew up with an A sister, who herself during clean periods was a sponser and a director of a recovery home, I am very familiar with the programs available .
The first al-anon meeting I went to the leader did not show up. Didn't go back.At the second I shared I was married to an AH and was getting a divorce and was told as a co-depentent the program suggest I shouldn't make any major changes for 6 months. When did I say I was co-dependent? I tried to explain to the young leader I made my decision already and came to al-anon for support because of my decision, to submit myself to the program as someone relationally effected who wanted to make sure i stayed healthy and sane through this journey.Didn't go back. The third meeting i tried was well lead but everyone in the group was a parent living with an adult addict or a spouse not looking ahead to divorce, and the focus again was being codepentent so it just wasn't where i wanted to be. Then I went to #4, it was my churches 12 step, it was an open meeting covering the specturm of the groups. There was no one on the panel representing the relationally affected unless they were addicts or co-dependent. So I asked my question. "Am i welcome here if i am only relationally affected as I am married to an A." It actually got quiet and the first co-dependent panel member spoke up and basically stated I would come to see i was co-dependent. I just said thank you and i disagreed. Then another panel member spoke up and said," Yes, you are. We do not believe that everyone who is married to an A is therefore CD." So this is where i stayed and it was into her group i went and asked her to be my sponser. She herself and others in the group are going through divorce. She to was wary of me , but as she got to know me she said," It sounds like you have been working a program." I told here yes, from the bigger book since i was 23, but right now I need people to talk with who specifically understand this issue. As she got to know me even better she shared that she does not see me as co-dependent. It happens that now she trusts me to be one of her safe supports too. In my head I still say, when did al-anon become CDA?
So now i am here as a member and reading the journeys keeps me focused. And reading the responses , challenges, advice keeps me focused on my goal. It also helps to keep my behavior in check as me and the AH are in the same house with 3 of our sons. My mother 76 also live with us.
So here is where i am at today:
We are in the same house in seperate bedrooms. I am presently looking for a job so I can move forward with the divorce. I need to make money and have benefits. As soon as my AH is out, which will be upon me getting a job, i will have to rent a room or 2 to be able to cover the bills until the house is sold.( Unless it works out that I don't have to sell and like living with renters.) I have never had to search for a job this long and have never sent out so many apps. *40-female-no job-older kids* So I spend my time on this computer filling out more and more apps, and as of recently taking breaks to read this website. I have one major goal right now and it is to get a job so I can proceed with divorce. (Well, i have been doing more reading then apps this past week :-)
When my AH comes out of his bedroom to share his depressed funk with me and states he can't take this anymore, I kindly tell him he is free to leave whenever he wants, that no one is keeping him where he doesn't want to be and I will put the bills on a credit card if i have to until i get a job. Then he goes into the " What are you going to do Tammy?" Of which my response is ," We have discussed this already, you know the answer."( His question is this really :Are you going to divorce me, when, how are you gonna pay the bills, nothing matters anymore to me then, your my only hope) The kids just detach from him when he enters their space and we can tell he has been drinking. They respectfully respond to him when he hasn't. Pretty soon he just goes away to is bedroom and sleeps. If he doesn't and starts acting up, we leave.
You see before i asked for the divorce he didn't act up. He isolated , avoided and went to bed early. On the weekends he cleaned in the middle of the night (AKA stayed up and drank) and took a lot of naps all weekend long. Me and the kids did our thing. But being I became vulnerable to being a married woman who was like a single with kids I had had enough. When I asked for the divorce he "changed" his common behavior for an 8 week show. Then he hit a 4 week depression that put him back in the bedroom with an occasional show. Then I gave him a chance, told him I would put divorce in my head and relapse wasn't an option. Last 16 days,relapsed, then lasted a few days and relapsed. Put on a show for about a week again. Presently he is back to the way he was before i asked for the divorce but gives us a show of his emotions once in awhile.
The thing that sucks right now though is no money. We can't just escape and run out to the movie.
Anyway, I am going out when i can, doing a lot more laundry then i use to, doing a few cleaning jobs,playing on the computer and filling out job apps, caring for the household and trying to be patient instead of anxious while waiting on a job. ANd dealing with 3 teenage boys, but i love teenagers. Lots of teenage boys through my house. My soon to be 21 year old daughter is married and her and hubby are away at college. Her on a swimming scholarship, him partial tennis.
My 55 year old sister gets out of prison in May. So......I will drop in a thread about that if needed.
tammy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 4
Hi Tammy,
I, too, am headed toward divorce from my AH husband. We are currently separated and I am looking for a permanent position (I'm currently working as a contractor). I'm looking for other women in a position similar to mine: mothers who are disengaged from their AHs (not co-dependent) and planning to divorce. My main issues are becoming financially independent and figuring out how to parent as effectively as possible while sharing custody with AH.
I have been going to a therapist-led support group and found it helpful, but most of the members are parents of addicts. As I've moved from "how do I understand addiction and AH's behaviors" to "how do I live my life as a single person and be the parent I want to be in this situation," I find that the group isn't geared toward my issues at this point.
Please feel free to contact me off-line,
- Heather
I, too, am headed toward divorce from my AH husband. We are currently separated and I am looking for a permanent position (I'm currently working as a contractor). I'm looking for other women in a position similar to mine: mothers who are disengaged from their AHs (not co-dependent) and planning to divorce. My main issues are becoming financially independent and figuring out how to parent as effectively as possible while sharing custody with AH.
I have been going to a therapist-led support group and found it helpful, but most of the members are parents of addicts. As I've moved from "how do I understand addiction and AH's behaviors" to "how do I live my life as a single person and be the parent I want to be in this situation," I find that the group isn't geared toward my issues at this point.
Please feel free to contact me off-line,
- Heather
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Welcome, welcome, welcome!!!
This site has been a lifesaver for me - an incredibly helpful sounding board visited by dozens of incredibly kind, wise, and "tell it like it is" people. There is much to be gained here.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep sharing!
I'm so glad that you found us! :ghug3
-TC
This site has been a lifesaver for me - an incredibly helpful sounding board visited by dozens of incredibly kind, wise, and "tell it like it is" people. There is much to be gained here.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep sharing!
I'm so glad that you found us! :ghug3
-TC
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
